When will smooth & easy come?

The last few days have been less than great. Thursday sucked. It got a bit better on Friday but I still ended up super exhausted.

I'm not saying that life in general is terrible or that I'm not fortunate to be where I am, and live how I am.

But as you go through life, inevitably there will just be days that SUCK.

Thursday started out at 5 AM, because that's what time Sam woke up. That's 3-4 hours before his normal wake-up time. When we came downstairs, Justin was awake. As in, had never been to sleep.

He informed me that he had been 'freaking out' a little bit. So, really the day started with lingering suckage from yesterday, when we spent $500 on repairs/maintenance for his car and found out in the process that it needs $700 more work to really be safe to drive because the wheels aren't actually working properly.

In addition, my car probably needs new brakes and I'm still driving on winter tires.

Of course, since he got up at 5, Sam was less than pleasant. Read: Whiny. You know what I don't deal well with when I've only had 4.5 hours of sleep? Whining for no reason.

Justin tried to be firm with him, which just made him break down more. Then I snapped at Justin because mostly I just wanted to handle Sam with kid gloves because I knew I'd have to handle him all day. We each yelled once and he stormed off to the shower.

Then Danny projectile vomited all over me. He continued that for a while, and was having gas pain and constipation. Again. WOO.

Then my Dad called to tell me that he got a job offer (YAY) but that my Grandmom was in the hospital with bleeding in her brain and they were waiting for an MRI. I heard more later, she is okay but her mental state has been affected and she really does need 24/7 care at this point and it's kind of to be expected w/her alzheimers, but still... it sucks and I wish I was there.

Then Sam went to the eye doctor and we landed a referral to Children's Hospital because he has some muscles in his eyes that are too tight and overactive. They cause him to have mildly crossed eyes when he looks a certain way, and if not treated can affect his vision and depth perception. We were referred to the eye doc by our pediatrician because he noticed it during the general checking of his eyes at his 4 year checkup. I guess I was not surprised that he could have something - Justin had crossed eyes at a baby and had to have several surgeries before he was 1 to correct it. But I really didn't expect them to say he needs surgery. I have decided that for now I'm not thinking about the emotional aspect of having my child have eye surgery, or the medical bills that are sure to follow, because I just don't want to. In addition, he has very little pigment in his eyes, she could see light shining through his iris, and he has little pigment on the retina. The doctor said this could be Ocular Albanism, which could affect his vision, or just albanoidism, which means you don't have much pigment, but have enough that it doesn't really affect you. Apparently they can diagnose which it is at Children's Hospital as well.

Friday was a bit better, but Justin had to work until about 9:00 because he was working at the WCC Graduation. We spent a good part of the day at my Mom's new house, but Sam was turning into a whiny ball of whine, and Danny proceeded to scream for about 3 hours because he couldn't poop, and it sucked a little. Sam whined and cried all the way home about not wanting the sun in his eyes (he is very sensitive to sun which is partly b/c of the light eyes). Things improved after we got home, and he eventually fell asleep. Danny got to be the proud recipient of a suppository (sorry TMI but that's my life) and was content after that. And me? EXHAUSTED!

Today has been okay. Except I'm really worried about my Grandmom. She is still in the hospital, she was moved to the ICU after her bleeding increased and then was not allowed to eat for a while. She had a CAT scan today and I guess she's . It's just really hard because it seems like it's going back and forth so much, getting worse and better. Last night I guess there was some talk of a feeding tube, and that really scares me. I'm starting to wonder how serious it really is, and it's hard to be so far away. One minute it seems like maybe I should be looking in to plane tickets if I want to see her again, and the next it seems like things are going to be okay. Maybe the situation is just really touch and go, I don't know.

I know that life is life. It goes on how it goes, and we don't always have much control over it. For the most part, I enjoy it. I have a pretty good life, and I love my husband and my kids and my family. I have a lot of support and am lucky to have the things I do.

But there are some days I just wonder when things are going to be easy, even if only for a day. We have had the worst 3 years ever financially, including being bankrupt, owing the IRS over $20,000 (currently uncollectable because we don't have and money to pay them), and having to move to my Father-In-Law's house because we could no longer afford to pay rent where we were living. We are ecstatic about Justin's new job, and I think he'll be there for a really long time. Maybe even until he retires. But we are still not back on our feet yet.

Between paying off the ultrasounds from last year when I was pregnant and we had bad insurance, the work on the cars, upcoming medical bills for Sam, and Justin having to take time off without pay after Danny was born? We are still scraping by for the time being. Every time I get a few bucks in our savings accounts, something comes up and *poof* there it goes. Now we're facing being told we should be paying rent to live in this family home, which is kind of okay except we want to try and take over some of the utilities first since they're actual bills, and we have to figure out how much those are and if we can actually afford it.

We're tired, and stressed out. I want to write more but instead I've been reading more because, well, it's easier to hold a baby and a book than a baby and a laptop. But I miss my connection here since it's been so long since I blogged regularly. Sam is still adjusting to being a big brother and that involves a lot more whining and hitting (usually me) than normal. He is touchy. It's to be expected, but here I sit at the beginning of summer vacation wondering how I am possibly going to handle 24 hours a day with 2 kids for the next few months before school starts again.

I look ahead to the rest of this year, and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that in six months, maybe we'll REALLY be back on our feet. But right now I just have moments when I wonder when things will just happen with a little more ease.