A Prayer for Aurora

It is 10:07 on a Friday night, and in our culture is one of information-this-minute.  It feels like old news to talk about something that happened 22 hours ago, even though in reality the ramifications of this morning's tragedy will last years.

I had a busy day without much computer time until after the kids were in bed, and I didn't have time to think about last night's shooting at the midnight show of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado.  It is so hard to think about these things happening in the places where we are most relaxed, and where we feel safe.  At school, at work, places we are comfortable because we are there every day.  And now, at the movie theater, where we go to get away.  Christopher Nolan, director of the movie, said the following:

"The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me," Nolan said in a statement on behalf of the cast and crew of the film. "Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."

I can imagine how devastating it would be, in much the same way it was devastating for teachers when the first school shootings started to happen.  This is his livelihood, his life, his ART, and it is painful to have this kind of mark thrown across it.

Then the kids were in bed, and a story came up in my feedreader on MamaPop.  In "The Batman Massacre And How We Grapple With Tragedy", Kristine wrote:

"At the time of this writing, there’s still very little known about the details surrounding this shooting. We do know that it happened in a packed movie theater during a midnight showing of Batman. We also know that the gunman was 24 years old and was taken, without struggle, into police custody shortly after the shooting. And we know that many people–children included–are dead, and even more–an infant included–are wounded.

And what the hell are we supposed to do with this information? Other than rage and plead and beg for it to stop?"

Honestly, what can we do?  We cannot do anything.  It is done.  For whatever reason, this young man decided to go out and murder a bunch of people, and in a setting where they felt completely safe.  He did not discriminate by age, sex, or anything.  People can argue about security, gun control, weapons control; but it seems like those who are compelled to harm in this manor will always find a way.

For whatever reason, because of the way things are, everyone has to give a quote about how sad and shocked they are, from the studio heads to the directer to others in Hollywood.  They have to worry about the trailers being shown in the theaters and be asked if they think this will affect the box office for opening weekend of their new movie.  I see the headlines and wonder how ridiculous the media can be to ask these questions, but for some people this is their livelihood.  Movie theater owners and workers, and who knows who else.  For some people, asking these questions is how they will try to push down their feelings about what's happened, they will look at the numbers and facts and forget about the emotions.

Other people will immerse themselves in debate.  Is this movie too violent?  Are movies these days too violent as a whole?  Have we become desensitized?!  Do we need more gun control?  In one comment I read, someone jokingly mentioned an Entertainment Safety Administration ala the TSA.  It seems ridiculous, but honestly, before 9/11 you could walk into the airport without much of a problem.  People will start to question and start to blame, and they will put police at the doors even though the likelihood of anything like this happening again this weekend is probably absurdly low.

In her article, Kristin ended by saying this:

"Each of us is trying to wrestle with some massive and intangible monster. Sometimes that fight looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like disillusionment. Sometimes it is simply a tremendous pile of sorrow and helplessness.  

 Let’s be gentle with each other. Let’s be self-aware and kind and do our best to shine a little extra light into a day that is so filled with darkness."

That is where my heart lies.  As human beings, it is not our job to debate about gun control, to demonize the shooter, to discuss little kids in movie theaters at midnight or to judge the situation in any number of ways, really.  It IS our job to feel compassion, to offer whatever love we have, and to hold each other up.  To help others when they need it in whatever tiny way we can.  This is not about gun control or politics, this is about people.

I can scarcely bring myself to imagine the terror of being in a movie theater by myself and having this kind of thing happen.  Let alone being in a crowded theater.  Let alone with my best friends or children, the people I love most in the world.  I cannot comprehend the horror of it.  Some of them will not be able to go out in public.  Some of them will never go to the movies again.  Some of them will need years of therapy.

Tonight I will lie awake in bed, and I will pray for the victims of the shooting.  For their peace, their eventual happiness to return.  I will send any positive thoughts and energy I have to these people, who are confused, and hurt, and terrified, and feeling things they didn't even know were possible.  I will pray for the families of the people who died.  They have lost the ones they love suddenly and tragically and violently.  I will pray for their peace, and for the ability to remember the good times, and to be left alone if that is what they want.  There are probably hundreds of people in Aurora who are currently having the worst day of their entire life, and that is... well, there are no words.  For some, it won't be, because one of the first major school shootings ever happened in Littleton, only 13 miles away.  And there are no words for that either.  No one should have to experience one tragedy like this, let alone two.

I will pray for the owner of the theater, whose workplace has been turned into a place of tragedy.  I will pray for the workers whose regular shift turned into something terrible.  For the police who had to respond, and for the EMTs and doctors and nurses who saved lives, and for those who couldn't because there was nothing they could do.

This is also not about crucifying the shooter.  I will pray for him too, because he obviously has monumental problems that I cannot imagine.  Because until more news comes out, I don't know if he is sick or crazy or has had terrible things happen to him.  I do not know why he did this, and I don't care.  He is in custody, and he cannot hurt anyone else now.  I hope that if he needs help, he gets it.  I know it won't be a comfort to anyone who was in that theater, or lives in that town, but maybe it will be to his family.  Speaking of whom, they'll be in my prayers as well.  In these cases, it seems like at some point people always decide to question and blame the parents.  How insensitive can you get?  They have lost everything too, their child, the life they had, it is all gone.  They will worry for their son, their brother, or whoever it is to them, and they will wonder how this possibly could have happened.  Before people start to blame them, they will probably wonder if they could have somehow prevented this.  They will forever be conflicted with the love and pain in their hearts over their son and the pain and desperation they will feel when thinking about the victim's and their families.  I will not judge them.  I will pray that somehow they'll find peace too.

In the end, none of this will affect my everyday life.  I don't know these people, and it is a terrible, sad, tragic event, but it will have no impact.  But for tonight, I will wonder why, and I will let myself cry and in the end I will pray.  Because it's all I can do.

Prayer Requests

It has been quite a while since I updated or changed my prayer request list.  You can find a permanent link over in the right sidebar or by clicking here.  In the past week I've been feeling very strongly that it's time to reach out again.

In my journeys through life and the blogosphere, I often come across people who could use a little bit of positive energy or prayer directed their way. If you're the praying type, if you have positive energy to spare, virtual hugs to send out, or just want to send some smiles or hugs out through the universe, here are some people who could really use them:

Current: 
Updated July 2, 2012

- As I wrote the other day, stuff is going on.  I could really use your prayers for strength and clarity and peace right now.

- Last week, the fabulous Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil unexpectedly lost her stepmother.  I can't even imagine losing a parent, and I've been very lucky that my parents are young and, for the most part, healthy.  I know that she and her family will appreciate any prayers sent their way for peace right now.

- Sarah at Redefining Perfect shared recently about her family's struggle with depression.  It can be such a difficult thing to deal with. Though I have some firsthand experience dealing with it, I've been lucky that most of the people I love who struggle suffer from fairly mild depression. It is hard to imagine being in the dark place that Sarah's husband is, and knowing how to make it through. Let's pray for peace and a way into the light for this wonderful family.

- One of the local Moms in my Facebook group just found out her 9 year old brother has cancer. I am also waiting right now to hear about the most recent scan in a long time friend of mine who was diagnosed last fall with stage 4 breast cancer. Prayers for healing, comfort, and good news.

- A friend of mine just found out she's pregnant.  Prayers for a happy and healthy 9 months for her!

- Another friend's husband just lost his uncle.  It's never easy to lose someone close to you, and I pray for comfort for anyone who is struggling with this kind of loss.

- Mir at Coulda Woulda Shoulda shared the other day about her 14 year old daughter's ongoing struggle with serious mental illness.  The story isn't for the faint of heart, but can be found here: In the never after.  I don't have the words to even say how much I feel for her, and how hard it is for me to even imagine what her family is going through right now.  There are so many prayers we can offer.  For healing, for treatment plans that work, for love between a family, for peace, for acceptance, and for comfort.

- I have just fallen in love with Finding Magnolia, the blog of a family that's been made complete by two gorgeous little girls they've adopted from Ethiopia.  In fact, they just traveled to meet their 2nd daughter last week.  Little Elvie has some health issues, and the full extent and treatment plan cannot be known until they are back in the US with their doctors here.  She is severely malnourished, which must be difficult for anyone to see in any person, let alone a child, let alone a child you've fallen in love with. I want to pray for everything for them.  For a good treatment plan, a great outcome, and most of all for their happiness and meshing together as a now family of four.  These people have so much love to give that you can just see it, and I wish them all the best as their journey continues.

- My heart just goes out to all of the people in Colorado who have lost their homes in the last week or two to the wildfires there.  They are all in my prayers.

Ongoing: 

- My father in law Harold has been having increasing issues with his Parkinson's Disease and his health. Please pray for his health, his well being, and for us to all find the right ways to interact with each other and protect each other.

- One of my best friends, Sati, is trying to start a family. She is an amazing woman, and she's waited a long time for this. So far, she hasn't been able to conceive, and just found out her sister is expecting a little surprise. Please keep her in your thoughts and send lots of fertility vibes to her. I struggled with watching friends get pregnant while I was waiting for my turn, and it was really hard.

- The Unnamed Women - I don't have faces, I don't have names. But I'd like to ask for prayers and positive thoughts for the women we serve through our volunteer work at Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. We see sad things, things that make us angry, and things that just make us desperately want to help in some way. Unfortunately, we can't always do that. I pray every time that every woman out there who is assaulted has the strength and self-worth to get out, to value themselves, and to heal from the things that have held them down.

Please feel free to leave a comment with anyone you'd like to add, whether you need prayers or know someone else who does, and I'll add them to the list. I'll add, remove, and give updates as time goes by... Thanks for your positivity!

Things.

So... there are things going on.  I can't believe I am saying it because I am a total nosy Nelly, and I HATE when people post on their blogs that there is shit hitting the fan but they can't talk about it.  Alas, that is happening to me.  It's about to go crazy anyhow because Sam's getting out of school next week and I'll have him all day, and for the first 2 weeks of July my Mom is going to be out of town so I won't have much time for writing.

Things are going on that I may be able to talk about here someday, and I wish I could share more about because I am full of feelings.  But I just can't right now.  So, I'm not sure how much I'm going to be around for the next little bit.  I'm not in a place right now where I can commit to writing here, so it'll probably be sporadic.  I am writing, because I'm a writer and because there are words inside me that are just aching to pour out.  I just can't put them here.  I will be okay, things are hard right now.  There is also at least one good thing going on I can't talk about.

Basically, I'm doing that thing I hate and saying I probably won't be around much for a bit (other than my weekly weight updates), but that I wish I could be and I will be back at some point, I promise.  And that I appreciate good vibes, prayers etc. sent my way and would love to hear from you in email if you feel so inclined.

Tragedy, Heartache & Community

I spent a good part of my day today thinking about a boy I never really met.  Yesterday, a 5th grade student from Sam's elementary school died after a tragic accident on Monday night.  I do not know his family personally, but Caleb Kors was very well known in our community.  His parents vend at the Bellingham Farmer's Market, and he was a member of the Bellingham Circus Guild and performed at the Farmer's Market and various other places and events.  His family lives a mile away from us, and are members of the same community we are.  I heard a lot about him because of my connection to my Sudden Valley Moms group and Sam's school.



What a vibrant, cool kid.  I realized after the first news came out of his accident that this was the boy I'd seen around the playground a couple of times walking tightrope style across the top of the swing set.  He loved what he did, and loved entertaining people.  I have seen a lot of comments on Facebook and our local newspaper website from people who knew him from seeing him perform.  People say he had a heart of gold, that his skills were great, but his heart was even bigger.  He was a charismatic kid who spent a lot of time making people smile.



I find myself in a position again where I am left feeling absolutely heartbroken for a member of our community.  It's been less than two years since the death of Anna Brulotte, a little girl who was killed by a car in downtown Bellingham.  Even though I didn't know her, there were people I knew who had been there, and my husband went to high school with her mother.  When Caleb passed away, a part of me could not believe something like this could be happening again.  Then I imagine the ache in my heart time a million and I can't stop thinking about his parents and siblings, and how terrible it is.  My heart just hurts, and I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to help.  No one should ever have to lose a child.  It's inconceivable.

It has been a little weird because information has been flying around Facebook since he was injured, and it seems so public.  Many of my mom friends around town knew what had happened and the outcome way before the local paper even did.  The information that his death was an accidental hanging is brutal and it was out there before he even passed away.  Since then, the information has become public with the consent of his parents, but at the time it was hard to know who knew about it and even though I wanted to know what happened, I felt a little strange knowing.

But this is another case where my faith in the goodness of people is being restored.  I have watched the other mothers in my community rally around this family - there is already an online meal calendar set up to provide food for Caleb's family so they don't have to think about it.  They are making prayer flags, and talking to the school, and thinking about housecleaning and what the family will need when they are home.  People are already talking about fundraisers and memorials to help the family pay for medical bills and funeral expenses.  Not just talking, but taking action.  A Facebook page has been set up for sharing news, information, and most of all for supporting his family.  There is already a paypal account set up for people who want to help monetarily.  This little boy had dozens and dozens of people rooting for him, and now all of these people are praying and offering whatever they can to his family.  These are not resources that would have been in place in the past, and action would not have been this quick.  This family is obviously very active in the community in Bellingham, and I'm sure they would have had support.  But is there really such thing as too much love, caring, or compassion in this kind of situation?

A letter came home from school today that said that they have grief counselors on hand, and also that Caleb will be helping people because he is an organ donor.  I think it's amazing for a child's parents to be able to see through their grief that they can help others.  It's a huge gift to others who are sick and need help.

Today I as I drove down the road, there were clear blue skies, the sun was out, and Mt. Baker was crisp and beautiful in the distance.  I looked around me and I thought, the world is going on, but it's never going to be the same for Caleb's family.  It is so beautiful and bright, but for them it is such a dark time.  As a mother, even the imagining of losing a child is almost too much.  I tried to get my head around all the people in this community who are hurting right now.  Around how much his Mom and Dad and siblings are missing him right now.  I don't think I can.  My heart is with the Kors family tonight.

If you are the praying type, I know that any prayers or thoughts for peace and comfort for Caleb's family will reach them somehow.  A paypal account has been set up to help with medical bills, funeral expenses and whatever the family needs. You can make paypal donations by donating to the email address calebflipkors@hotmail.com.

The Christmas Coaster

December is just around the corner, and Christmas is in the air.  Lights and decorations are starting to pepper our neighborhood, and Santa has taken up residence on his throne at the local mall.  Downtown, the snowflake lights are hung.  Local art and craft fairs are in full swing. 

On a grey Tuesday morning, I find myself sitting in Starbucks sipping a peppermint mocha from a cup adorned with snowmen and snowflakes.  It is sweet, and after I sip it I stare out the window and try to figure out how I feel about the holidays this year.

It seems like I have a rollercoaster relationship with the last sliver of the year.  I'm never sure how I will relate to Christmas, and too often in the past I have found myself unexcited.  It is supposed to be a joyful time, but something inside me doesn't always let it be that.


I do not feel as excited to get a Christmas tree as I did last year.  I find myself unable to even think about Christmas shopping because I don't know how we'll really afford much of anything.  I'm not super excited about Christmas break - three weeks of having Sam home all day, every day?  I've gotten used to his school schedule already.  The days have gotten shorter and my spirits have gotten lower.  I want to push everything aside and let it be warm and fuzzy, but this year I'm not sure if I can.

Every year, around Thanksgiving, I suddenly find myself contemplating December.  How fast or slow will it go by?  Will I find gifts I really care about for people?  What activities will we do, and what family will we spend time with?  Will we be able to travel to the East Coast to see my Stepmom, Dad & little Sister who I miss so much?  This year, it's a big fat no - $500 a ticket to fly there is so unfeasible it makes me laugh (bitterly). 

Right now, I am worried.  I am worried about money, about my kids and how they are doing, about other things.  I wonder if I will be happy when we put up the lights and decorate the tree, or if I will cry and the lights will fan out into stars through my tears.  As the new year approaches, I know I will pray.  That next year will be a better year.  Maybe through those prayers I can find a better focus for Christmas - to appreciate what I do have, to share my love with my family, and to remember what Christmas is really about.  I guess the only way to find out is to take the next step forward.

30 Days of Truth - Day 19: The Good Far Outweighs the Bad

The prompt for day 19 of 30 Days of Truth is "What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics." Yes, it's been a while since my last post (or any post for that matter), but I want to knock out the rest of my 30 days!

I have had an interesting religious journey. I became a Christian in my mid-20s, and I spent most of my life trying to figure out how people believed in God. Here's what I believe now...

Religion is personal. Everyone believes what they believe. Even within one church congregation, I believe that each person will have slightly or widely varying ideas about what God is. And THAT IS OKAY!

As far as Christianity goes, I believe there are a lot of people out there who like to proclaim loudly that they're Christians but behave in a very non-Christian way. I wish that more people could understand the difference. In fact, this goes far beyond Christianity. In EVERY religion - Mormonism, Muslim, Christianity, whatever - there are believers and there are EXTREMISTS. They are NOT the same thing. Disliking the actions of an extremist sect should not be grounds for dismissing an entire religion.

I believe that it's okay to talk about your beliefs, absolutely. However, I don't think that trying to FORCE beliefs on people is the way to expose them to them, or make them understand what you believe or how you feel.

I believe that when it comes to religion, we should all focus on the POSITIVE. As in, how do my beliefs guide me to something that will make the world a better place? The basis for my personal belief system lies with Jesus and the lessons he taught about how to treat one another. I hope that in the end I'll be viewed as a good person, and leave the world at least a little better and brighter than it was before I came into it.

I think that religion is a valuable tool, something that brings us together, provides community and a guide for us to remember to be selfless and love each other. Unfortunately, not everyone looks at it that way and it can be used for nefarious purposes. As a whole though, we shouldn't let the small percentage of bad outweigh the mass of good it can (and does) do.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 2: My Heart Bursts as My Blessings Abound

The prompt for Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth is to write about something you love about yourself.

Last night I read Loralee's post about Jill. She was asking for support for another mother, and I can see where her heart is. I have done the same from my readers at times.

This morning I held my 5 month old baby in my arms. I pressed my cheek to his warm, soft head and felt his

When I changed his diaper, I gently squeezed his fat thighs. I tickled his face with the corner of his burp cloth.

I listened to his chirps and goos and gas and talked and smiled with him. I watched his face light up when his 4 year old brother came into view.

My blessings abound.

I have never sat for 1 day in a hospital with my child, let alone spent 51 days next to him wondering if he would be there the next morning.

I have never felt the pain of considering a 24 inch casket.

I have never watched doctors try to revive my child, never seen my child with tubes coming from his nose and mouth, with wires attached to his chest.

I have never experienced the absolute agony that is the loss of my child, the death of a piece of my heart.

I have never had to cope with that while at the same time being attacked and blamed for causing the death of my child.

As I sit here now in front of my computer, I am near tears. My heart breaks and bursts. But I am so incredibly thankful for the feelings I am having right now.

I have a big heart. I read blogs, and I feel connected. I share in the pride when other mothers celebrate a triumph in a difficult area. I understand how hard it is when another woman steps on the scale and things have not gone as planned. I feel the frustration when people choose to be negative and mean instead of focusing on the positive. I feel a tiny fragment of the pain when someone's child is lost.

My capacity for love and caring for other people does not always make things easy. I have shared with you before about the way my past haunts me. The days I've spent all day thinking and praying for people who need it. The tears that I've cried for other mothers and families that I've never even met.

In these moments, I have seen God at work. I have seen the good in people and been reminded that it is so much more rewarding to have a big heart, to choose to lift people up and care. And I have been reminded, time and time again, how lucky I am.

Despite moments of discomfort, my ability to empathize, the way I throw myself wholeheartedly into letting myself care for other people in the world? This is something I absolutely love about myself. Because of this heart I carry in my chest, I am able to try and do good in the world. I see the light that can shine from inside, that can be passed from one person to another. I feel the warmth that can be created when people step up and say "We are human. We are one. We support one another."

Recently, I wrote about a dream I'd had that was incredibly intense and stuck with me all day. On that post, my Mom left this comment:

"That's the conundrum, isn't it? I believe it is impossible to lift others without putting your whole heart into it. The hard part is that it makes you vulnerable. If you know in your heart that you have helped someone in their life, then sometimes that has to be enough. In my experience, people get busy and the days go by fast. They mostly attend to what's directly in front of them and not much else. You're a really loving and sensitive person who has a drive to be of help to others. You put that energy into the world and it helps balance things toward the good side. Would you give that part of yourself up if it meant never being hurt by the obliviousness or insensitivity of others? I don't think you would or should. "

Although sometimes it causes me pain, my capacity for love, empathy & caring - my bursting heart - is something I would never give up.

For the other 29 days, click here.



The image above is a beautiful painting called Bursting Heart by Shirley Miller Lee, which I found at John Lee's website.

Heartbreak at Home

The internet and the widespread media in our world make it common to hear about tragedy. Somehow, though, it can be especially heartbreaking and real when it happens close to home.

When Justin came home from work today, he told me that someone he knew had something awful happen to them today, they'd been a first responder at a car accident where a child had died. How completely awful and tragic.

This evening, I picked up my phone and the tweet that was showing on my screen was a headline from our local paper: "Toddler hit by car, killed near Bellingham's Assumption Catholic School."

A toddler.

She was only three at the most, and was holding her mother's hand when the incident occurred.

Holding her mother's hand.

We think we can keep our children safe. We hold their hands in parking lots. We teach them to look both ways when they cross the street. What do we do when it's just not enough?
Many lives have been altered today. A family, with another 5 year old and an 8 year old, has lost one of it's own. A mother has lost her child. First responders and students from the nearby high school witnessed the accident and watched another person die today. The person who is thought to have caused the accident is only 17 years old, and will have to live with it forever. The driver whose car struck the child is only 22, and had stopped to let them cross. She was doing the right thing. And her life is forever changed because her car struck a child and she watched her die.

In the horror of it all, I can't contain my tears.

Please pray tonight, for all of them.

Prayer Request List Update

It has been a while since I updated my Prayer Request List, and I came across a couple of things this week that made me feel like it was really time.

Today I added these items:

~ I have not been a regular reader at Unknown Mami, but stumbled across her blog last week through a blog hop. After reading her post, I knew it was time to update my list here. Mami found out last Monday that her 17 weeks along baby may not be growing kidneys. As of this Monday, things have improved somewhat - there is a bladder and at least one kidney seems to be developing. Please pray for peace for her mind, and for her baby to get in gear and develop everything it needs to be born healthy & live.

~ Casey from Moosh in Indy is pregnant! I know how hard it is to go through infertility, and pregnancy after infertility. Please pray for a happy & healthy 9 months for her.

~ Amalah is one of my favorite bloggers. She found out recently that her Dad has cancer. Aggressive cancer. I have never had to deal with a parent being seriously ill, the closest I've come was my Dad's car accident last year. I have watched my parents go through losing their parents, and I can't imagine experiencing it firsthand. Please pray for Amalah, for her Dad and her Mom, and for comfort for them all.

As always, my full list is located here. Please let me know in the comments if you need prayers, if you know of someone who does, or if you can point me somewhere online where they're needed. It doesn't matter about religion, just about putting positive energy and thoughts out there and caring for one another.

Boundless Blessings

It's been almost a week since we found out about the job. The job that we were hoping so hard for. The possibility that kept us up in the air for two weeks, that we were waiting, walking on eggshells and praying for after his unexpected layoff. The job that got him excited about the possibilities for the first time in a long time.

There are a lot of reasons that this job seems so wonderful. Justin will be working as a computer programmer again at Whatcom Community College. Despite his foray back into tech support/networking for the last couple of years, programming is what he loves to do. I know that recently he's felt uninspired and longed for the days when he got paid to go and actually create something. Beyond the actual job, there is the location.

We both have ties to the community college, but Justin's are very strong. His dad was the President of the college for the years between 1984 and 2007. He built it up from one building out in the county to what it is now - an 8 building campus close to the mall and many other things that also got built up during that time. Justin has been around the campus and connected to the college since he was 4 years old, both of us were students there. Justin worked there previously while he was a student, with the same guy he's working with now, who he really likes.
Justin's older brother got married in the theater there, and a couple of years later, Justin and I got married AND had our reception there!

In the Heiner Center Theater:

Justin in front of the Heiner Center on the fountain:

Not only is it a special place for us, but I think that Justin is going to do amazingly well in an academic environment. Not only that, but the hours will be more regular, he'll get actual vacation time, paid holidays, and life/disability insurance for the first time since Sam was born.

Anyhow, I didn't necessarily mean to go on so long about WHY we were so excited, but there it is! Where I'm really going with this post is a little bit darker, but bright in the end.

The week and a half in between when Justin got laid off and when we found out he got this job were really hard. We have been in situations before when we were counting pennies and living paycheck to paycheck. But this was different. For a THANKFULLY very short while, we were not sure how we were going to buy food for ourselves. Not knowing at all what the future holds is not easy. Add to it the way Justin's job ended and that he was feeling pretty low during that time, pregnancy hormones, and that Sam could sense that something was not going so well around here... it was painful.

I was panicked almost daily about our financial situation and what we were going to do. Even now, it's a little bit tough to try and plan out the next month not knowing when we ill get our first paycheck and when Justin's official first day will be at the new job.

But through all that darkness, there was something that we sometimes forget about. There was a light shining all around us. Sometimes it does take a hard time to remind you of the amazing people that are in your life. In a time when fear easily overwhelmed me, these people were there to grab my hands, lift me up, and tell me that I wasn't alone.

The generosity of our families, and of one friend in particular, blew me away. Honestly, to the point of having no words that could express how grateful I was that we are blessed with these incredible, loving people in our lives.

Because of them, we will be able to get through the next month until Justin gets paid again. Because of them we have plenty of food in our fridge. Because of them, Sam had an Easter Basket this year. Because of them we know we'll be able to afford gas to get to appointments and for Justin to drive to work. Because of them we'll be able to pay our bills in April and still have something left over to live on. Because of them, I have been able to relax.

Because of them, I have been reminded that it is okay to be humble and to accept gifts where God offers them. That there is no shame in letting people know when you are hurting. Because being honest with what's happening in your life can lead to help you didn't even know was there for you.

I think it's natural that most of us have difficulty accepting this type of gifts. It's never easy to admit that you need to rely on other people. Even when you know you need help, it can feel like too much. Sometimes it's very hard to give in, to surrender to offerings and blessings where they come, not where you are COMFORTABLE with them coming.

It reminds me of the inherent good that I try to see in the world. It reinforces my belief that people are good at heart, and want to help each other. It helps me remember that things turn out okay if you can try to let go and trust the love that people have in their hearts. It gives me a great feeling to remember the times I've been able to help people, and helps me look forward to a time when I will be able to 'pay it forward' to someone else.

Through hard times, I have been reminded of the boundless blessings that surround me. My fear is washed away, and replaced by love, excitement for this new opportunity, and joy in the people I love most in my life.

Have a Little Faith

There were other things I was planning to post today, but something has really gotten under my skin.

Last night, a woman named Sherrie lost her 2 year old son in a drowning accident. After this horrible thing happened, she used her twitter account (@Military_Mom) to post the following: "Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool." Five hours later, she posted a few pictures of her son, and a thank you to the people who had offered support and prayers to her.

Since then, she has been what I can only call attacked. Several people on twitter decided that they needed proof that the child had died, and that they needed to start posting messages asking if anyone had confirmed it, bringing up the balloon boy hoax, warning people not to give her any money. I should say here that as far as I can see, Sherrie herself has asked for nothing but prayers for her little boy.

But that's not the worst of it. When I read the worst of it, it made me so mad I wanted to vomit. Multiple people accused Sherrie of CAUSING HER LITTLE BOYS DEATH. They said she must have been too busy twittering and posting pictures of her pets to pay attention to her little boy. That it was surely her fault he drowned because she was not paying attention.

Let's break this down a little bit... When I see that first tweet asking for prayers? I picture a woman, standing by her pool. Maybe she got distracted by an animal moving. Maybe she blinked. Maybe she looked away for ONE SECOND. Her son fell in the pool. It was an accident. Now, paramedics are there, trying to save her son. She is forced to stand back and there is nothing she can do. She does not have any friends with her there, she is alone. She is scared. So, she reaches out to the one place she can - her online community. It takes less than 30 seconds for her to ask for prayers as the EMTs try to revive her toddler in in front of her.

Just think about that for a minute. About watching your child die in front of you. About the fact that you could not prevent the accident. About how you will ALWAYS feel guilty/responsible about it no matter how many people may tell you it wasn't your fault.

It. Is. Heartbreaking.

Now, I fully admit that I don't know this woman. I am sure there are some people out there who would make things like this up. However, if they were, wouldn't they post about it on their blog? Wouldn't they post MORE tweets asking for things? For attention? My point here is, why not give people the benefit of the doubt?

It is easy to live your life and walk this world thinking the worst of everybody. You can believe that the internet is full of liars, that there is a child molester on every corner, that your child is inches from being abducted every minute. You can believe that people will try to swindle you at every opportunity they get, that people want to steal your money and your possessions, and that you are not safe walking to your car at night. You can. You can live in fear and paranoia if that's what you want.

But WHY? What is the point of living life feeling this way? I know that bad things happen. But I make a conscious choice every day to try and think positively. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I choose to believe that the majority of people are good. I have seen amazing things in my life and in my online life. I have seen hundreds of people support parents who have lost their child, by offering prayers and well wishes and peaceful thoughts. I have seen people in my community support one another. I have seen people provide for others who are having a hard time financially.

What really gets to me is that it was completely unneccesary for anyone to attack Sherrie. If you don't know someone, sure they could be lying. But WHY say it out loud? Whenever I am faced with this kind of situation, I always go first to "what if?" What if it is true? If it's not, what do I lose by offering this woman prayers and sending whatever good vibes I can her way? NOTHING. What do we have to lose by offering people compassion? If what they are saying IS true, perhaps you have given them a fraction of a second of comfort. If it's not... you have not lost anything.

In this particular case, I know that some people will not understand how she could be online. But honestly? What are you SUPPOSED to do if your child dies? If my son died I would be absolutely out of my mind. I would be in shock, and I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably reach out to my friend online too, because whether other people understand it or not, they ARE friends, and they are a part of my life. Who's to say which way of grieving is okay?

I guess the bottom line, to me, is why can't we all have a little faith, have a little compassion? Why can't we treat each other nicely, and as we'd want to be treated? If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, then maybe you should just not say it. No one loses anything that way. You don't hurt anyone who may be having a really bad day. I know it's a cliche, but I really do think that we could all use a little more love in this world.

Tis the Season

I admit it, I'm TOTALLY looking forward to a Christmas tree this year, more than I have in several years, and I love presents as much as the next gal. But I also try my best to remember that the spirit of Christmas all originated with Jesus. At his core, he was an amazing man and his example of love and caring for others is inspiring to me. So today, I'm going to think about all the people I've come across lately that could use a little more love, a little more happiness, a little more support, and a little more lifting up.

Like I've said before, I know not everyone is religious and that's cool with me. But most of us have SOMETHING we do. We pray. We send good thoughts, or good vibes. We type and give out virtual hugs, we hold each other's hands physically or in our hearts. Whatever it is you do, whatever energy you have that you want to give away, here are some people who could use it.

~ Mimi at Screaming Mimi just found out that her mother has cancer. Please pray for a treatment that will work, and strength during the process.

~ One of my absolute FAVORITE online friends, Audrey from Barking Mad, has had a rough couple of years and FINALLY things are starting to go her way! Her husband got laid off, but VERY quickly, especially for this economy, got a new job! Now Audrey is getting ready to move to New York. I was disappointed she's not moving closer to me, haha, but please send good vibes and prayers because, well, moving sucks, even if you're going somewhere cool.

~ I don't know Anissa Mayhew, but a LOT of you out there do. On November 17, Anissa experienced a stroke. She's currently in the ICU. Anissa has small children and a wonderful husband, and she's fighting really hard to be able to wake up and see and talk tot hem again. You can read updates from her husband here. When she had the stroke, there was a huge outpouring of love and prayers in our bloggy community. I can only hope that if something were to happen to me, so many people would care and want to help my family. There are a lot of people praying for Anissa, but a few more can't hurt.

~ Dawn from Must Love Tots has been struggling watching her mother battle cancer for the past 3 years. Now, the cancer is growing and they are almost out of options. The doctors are not sure that anything can be done. Please pray for peace for Dawn in the face of some really hard times ahead. If you'd like to do something, you can find an address here to send a card to Dawn's mom.

~ Guess what? Bee's Mama is preggo! I'm SO happy for her to finally have her good news after trying for quite a while. Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months for her!

~ One of my best friends, Sati, is trying to start a family. She is an amazing woman, and she's waited a long time for this. So far, she hasn't been able to conceive, and just found out her sister is expecting a little surprise. Please keep her in your thoughts and send lots of fertility vibes to her. I struggled with watching friends get pregnant while I was waiting for my turn, and it was really hard.

~ My friend Amy and her husband are looking into possibly buying their first home. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment with their 2 kids, and it would be absolutely amazing for them to have a real place of their own. Please pray that it will work out for them!

As always, my prayer request list can be found anytime by clicking the Pray, Love, Lift link at the top of the blog. Is there anyone you're praying for these dayss? Please leave any prayer requests in the comments for me!

Thursday Thirteen: Praying for Change

In the past couple of weeks, I've felt a little bit weighed down. Not by things happening to me, but by events happening in my world that can sort of pull apart and break my heart a little bit each time I think about them. We went to church weekend before last after not having been in a while, and I remembered why it's so important to me, and why I enjoy going. We're starting to get back into the swing of things, and will hopefully start attending more regularly, but in the meantime I've continued to pray on my own time. I know that not everyone out there is religious, but we all have something to offer to those in need. I truly believe that whether you pray to a god or goddess, meditate, or just offer positive thoughts and energy to those who need it, you are making a difference. This week for my Thursday Thirteen, I've got 13 prayer requests.

Thirteen Updates This Thursday

1. Jillian & Mona - Jillian is one of the momma's in my Mom's Meetup group. She has an adorable little daughter named Mona. Her husband, Henri, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January, and around the 13th, they made the difficult decision for him to start hospice care at home. Last Saturday, August 29, Henri passed away comfortable surrounded by his family. I haven't been that close with Jillian during this difficult year, but I know that she and her family could really use our thoughts and prayers right now. Please pray for peace for them, and for them to remember the happy memories they had with him.
2. Carol - Carol is my... well, it's complicated! She is my brother-in-law's wife's mother. So basically, we're not really related. We've been blessed to have an honorary set of grandparents for Sam in her and her husband Bill. They are wonderful people who we've enjoyed having as part of the family and in our lives over the years. Carol was diagnosed recently with colon cancer. She is currently seeking natural courses of treatment. Please pray for her and for her to discover the right treatment path, whatever that may be, and for her to heal.
3. Harold - My father in law has been having increasing issues with his Parkinson's Disease and his health. He is a great man and has not found retirement to be an easy thing. We've been privledged to move into the house he built, and to spend a little more time with him lately as he loves being out here. I'm so happy for Sam to get to know his Grandpa better, but I need guidance in how to make things easier for him. There is a fine line between helping him stay healthy and safe and making him feel like he's having everything taken away from him. Please pray for his health, his well being, and for us to all find the right ways to interact with each other and protect each other.
4. Audrey - My friend Audrey, aka Auds, from Barking Mad has been facing some very difficult times lately. She wrote recently about her struggles with bulimia, she's got her son living with her now who she had not seen in a long time, and last week her beautiful daughter Meg was in a bad car accident. She is okay, but she is no doubt shaken up, and one of the passengers in her car had to have some surgery. Audrey is a dear friend to me, and reading about her pain often brings me to tears, I just love her to pieces. Please pray for her to find her way, to find the strength to get healthy again and see what a wonderful woman she is. Also please pray for Meg to forgive herself for the accident and allow herself to heal mentally & physically.
5. Kori & Hannah - Kori of See Kori Rant is another one of my dearest and closest bloggy friends. She is an amazing, strong woman who has been through a whole hell of a lot in life. Earlier this year her daughter Hannah was molested by a man in their community that they thought was a friend. He did a plea bargain and his sentencing is imminent. Unfortunately Hannah has not been doing too well since this incident, and she could really use our prayers and positive thoughts right now. Please pray for strength and happiness for Kori, Hannah & their whole families.
6. Brie - My good friend Brie is pregnant with her third child, due later this month. The pregnancy has been wonderful so far, and she's excited about adding another child to their busy bustling family. Please keep her in your thoughts and pray for an easy, non-eventful delivery!
7. Jaci - Jaci writes at Ravings of a Mad Housewife, and has been one of my favorite bloggers. She's been through tough times lately, and after announcing a hiatus, she is back... and pregnant! Please pray for a happy & healthy nine months for Jaci. She's REALLY getting a new beginning, and hopefully it will be a wonderful change and addition to her family.
8. The Unnamed Women - I don't have faces, I don't have names. But I'd like to ask for prayers and positive thoughts for the women we serve through our volunteer work at Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. We see sad things, things that make us angry, and things that just make us desperately want to help in some way. Unfortunately, we can't always do that. I pray every time that every woman out there who is assaulted has the strength and self-worth to get out, to value themselves, and to heal from the things that have held them down.
9. Rachael - Okay, yeah, I do feel like it's a little narcissistic to include myself in this list, but I've been having a hard time lately with one aspect of my life and could use some positivity and encouragement. I've been really struggling lately with my weight loss journey. For the last 6 weeks, I've been hovering and yo-yoing VERY close to the -30 lbs mark. But during those six weeks, I've lost, gained, and lost for a grand total of -1.2 lbs. I've been really struggling with my relationship with food, with exercise, with everything. While in my head I know that 30 lbs is a lot - I've almost lost one of my three year old - in the dark side of my heart, I know it's only 1/4 of what I need to do. I know that to reach my goal and be really healthy, I have to do it 3 more times, and that is something I've really been struggling with lately. Please pray that I can find strength in myself and find my path again.
10. M, M & M - One of my friends is going through a messy divorce and becoming a single father to his 3 & 5 year old daughters. Please pray for their new family situation to work smoothly, for them to grow up strong, and for their father to find happiness.
11. Rowenna - My friend Rowenna from my Mom's Meetup group is an amazing woman. She has 3 small children - 3 year old twins, and a 1 year old son. They are the most adorable kids, and so well behaved. Yesterday I went to her house to drop something off, and helped her pack up a ridiculous amount of food she had made for Jillian and her family during their hard time. She made a dozen casseroles and a dozen homemade soups as well as some quiche and baked goods. She is also without her husband right now, as he's away for 5 months attending Border Patrol training. That's right, you heard me, she is taking care of her children BY HERSELF for 5 months. At the end of that time, she and her family will be moving to a small town in Texas for 14 months. I will miss her dearly, she's one of the pillars of my 'mom community.' Maybe she doesn't need it, but please pray for the next couple of months to go by quickly for her, so she can have her husband back, and for everything to go smoothly with his transition to Border Patrol.
12. Jonah Williams - Jonah is an adorable little guy, and you can read about him at the Williams Family Blog. Jonah is six months old and was born with a skin condition called Epidermolysis Bullosa. It's a rare skin condition characterized by extremely fragile skin and blisters resulting from the most minor trauma or friction. Please pray that research will lead to a cure for Jonah, and that in the meantime he'll continue to be as happy and healthy as possible.
13. Ezra - Ezra is an adorable curly headed 2 year old blondie that was diagnosed with Leukemia earlier this year. You can read all about him at For Ezra. He's currently going through treatment, and some days are very hard. Please pray for Ezra to be healthy and for strength and peace for his family as they juggle everyday life with this battle.

As always, I want to hear your prayer requests too. Please leave any of them in the comments, along with links if there's a website involved, and thanks in advance for your prayers, positive energy, and thoughts.

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Calling All Angels

I stole this title from Dawn. I've been meaning to write an update to my prayer request list, and after reading her post today, I knew it was time.

If you are the praying type, these are some people out there who could use prayers. If you're not, send good vibes, virtual hugs, and peaceful thoughts. Anything helps, and whatever you offer truly does make a difference.

Today's requests:

- Please pray for Jamie, for Dawn, and for the rest of our family. Dawn writes at Growing a Pair, and today she wrote about Jamie. Only 11 years old, Jamie was born with a heart defect. She managed for years, but last Friday, Jamie had open heart surgery. What a scary thing to go through, as a child or as a parent. Things were going well after the surgery until Jamie's blood pressure wouldn't normalize. Please pray for strength for her family, and for her heart to heal and get stronger so she can wake up and go home.

- I don't know what her religious beliefs are, but Tracy from Sweetney is starting a really hard journey. Please just offer her your support, I can't imagine going through what she is and basically it just sucks. She is an awesome person, so let's try to lift her up.

- My friend Xotchil and her family. Her Aunt Christy, who was a wonderful woman, lost her year long battle with ovarian cancer in early June. Please pray for their peace.

As usual, my full list of prayer requests can be found by clicking here, or through the link in my sidebar. And of course, as always, please add your prayer requests to the comments.

I Believe

I believe that Gina Torres is one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood.

I believe that every woman has the right to make her own choice.

I believe that regret is a waste of time and energy, and that these words from Jonathan Larson's awesome show 'Rent' are totally true: "There's only here, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

I believe that the problem isn't how much tv kids watch, but how much interaction they get from their parents, and whether the TV is used as a babysitter.

I believe that the perfect temperature is 72 with a slight breeze.

I believe that trust, compatibility and love are more important than physical monogamy.

I believe that the children are our future. We should teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Oh... sorry... moving on...

I believe that there is other life out there in the universe somewhere.

I believe that telling your kids not to hit and then spanking them is counterproductive.

I believe that love knows no bounds.

I believe that it's worth it to lose sleep now to cuddle up with my three year old, because all too soon he's not going to want to hug me at all!

I believe that people are generally good, and that in most situations you can find someone to help you out.

I believe it's better to be too trusting and give people the benefit of the doubt than to be too negative.

I believe that God is love, and that we are all capable of feeling that presence in our life - but we don't always have a choice about when it will happen.

I believe that happiness is more important than money.

I believe that children and animals are smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I believe that every day is infinitely better if you make someone smile.

I believe that friendships made online are just as valid and strong (in some cases stronger) than friendships made with people in the flesh.

I believe that we should pay more attention to what we put into our bodies, and try to ingest less chemicals and processed stuff.

I believe that I will be with my husband until we are both old and gray, holding hands and talking about the way things were when we were young and how much easier 'kids today' have it.

I believe that cheese and bread is one of the best foods ever.

I believe that I have the ability to choose my own future, and that I can achieve things even if at first they don't seem possible.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Meet Ezra

This week I came across a little boy named Ezra.

Seriously? How adorable is he!?

Ezra is in the hospital because two days before his 2nd birthday on May 21, he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Ezra is facing 3 years of chemotherapy.
I don't have much to offer Ezra's family besides my prayers. I'm sharing his story in the hopes that maybe someone who reads this will have more to offer. Ezra's family is facing a very, very hard time including facing some very big financial obligations, including finding the money to deep clean their house so Ezra can stay healthy. If you don't have money to offer, positive thoughts and prayers can work wonders.

Please click here to read Ezra's story at Manic Mother.

For more Wordless Wednesday posts, click here.

Very Quick Update

Thank you so much to everyone who left me comments here and on Facebook. It really helps to know that there are people out there who care and can pray with me.

Just a quick update before I pack. That's right, pack. My sister and I are heading to St. Louis today to be with Dad, we'll be flying home on Thursday morning so we'll only really be there for 3 full days. We went back and forth and finally were able to make arrangements. We haven't told him we're coming yet, so I need to make that call. It was hard to figure out, with the money (which we don't have) and trying to decide how important it was. In the end, our hearts pulled us to go - we both just WANT so badly to be there with Dad. So, we're going. Thanks to the generosity of a very good friend (more on that later).

And update on Dad, he shattered his left wrist and it was a compound fracture, so he's been on IV antibiotics in the hospital because they worry about infection. His ligaments were torn so his radius and ulna dislocated. He currently has a metal plate and some pins in his wrist. He also had a badly bruised nerve. It didn't get crushed/broken, but only time will tell if it will fully recover. Dad's right wrist is also broken, but it's a much "better" break, it fractured in the right spot and the surgeon said that it will most likely heal completely, but he'll have to wear a cast for at least 4 weeks.

I'm last minute packing and leaving soon, thank you for your prayers, I'll post again tomorrow.

I need your prayers - the not knowing is the hardest part

I've been on the phone for the last half hour. Tonight, my Dad got hit by a car. He is seemingly okay, although it's hard to tell from so far away. He lives in St. Louis and was on his way to a concert and crossing a street when the light changed, and a car hit him. I'm fairly certain that the car was probably going too fast since there would have been a lot of concert-goers around and they should probably have been being extra careful.

It's frustrating because the nurses couldn't tell me much over the phone. The nurse who called my stepmom went and got my Dad on the phone. It was awful to talk to him. He's probably on pain medication, he is obviously freaked out and on top of all of it, he seems to feel like it was sort of his fault. I think he's probably in shock. He couldn't tell me much, but one of his arms is badly broken and he said something about the doctor said something about putting casts on both arms. So maybe they are both broken. That's all he could tell me. It's all I know, and I want so badly to know more. The nurse said he was stable but they will probably admit him. I asked him to get someone to call/send a text message to me if he's admitted so we know what room he's in.

He thanked me for calling and I didn't have much to say other than that I hoped he was okay. When I said I loved him, he said it back and I could hear tears in his voice. I'm trying not to cry and to stay calm. It's probably going to be fine. But I need prayers now, so does my sister, and my Dad. Beyond just the shock of it, there are thoughts of the future. With two casts, will he be able to work? Who will help take care of him - he has some friends, but no family there. It is breaking my heart not to be with him right now. Will he still be able to kayak? Will he heal completely? Is he okay? The not knowing is the hardest part.

Lord, please bring me peace.

Learing Something New

Last Sunday, there was a knock on the door around 11:00 in the morning. It can't be the mail, because it's Sunday, and we weren't expecting anyone. I opened the door to see two familiar faces - two Jehovah's Witnesses who had been at my house about a month back and left me with copies of The Watchtower and Awake. I didn't look at them too much, but flipped through.

They're not pushy at all, they're very friendly, and they just told me they wanted to drop off the new issues. I thanked them and took the materials. I used to hide from them. When I saw them walking up my sidewalk in their suits and ties, with pamphlets in hand, I would duck away, go downstairs or into another room. Often times if they hadn't seen me, I would ignore the knocks and wait for them to go on their way. Somehow, now that I have my own faith, that I understand the feeling of believing that we are not alone, and wanting to share that, I don't get annoyed like I used to. I opened the shades to let the sun in, and flipped through the magazines, reading a couple of the articles as Spongebob played in the background.

I don't know if you've ever taken the time to sit down and read the publications the Jehovah's Witnesses leave, but they're not bad. They have interesting subjects, and as a Christian myself, there's nothing offensive or that I don't agree with in them usually. They seem like a good resource for people, and share some really good bible knowledge. So I got to thinking...

Do you know what Jehovah's Witnesses believe? Perhaps, like me, all you really know is that they didn't stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance in Elementary School, and they didn't participate in the birthday celebrations at school or have birthday parties. And they knock on your door in suits and give you little magazines, which you promptly drop into your recycling bin.

I decided that if I was going to decide that they weren't worth considering, I should do a little research, so I started reading up on what the Jehovah's Witnesses believe. I'll tell you, Wikipedia? Amazing. It's just incredible and wonderful that you can go online and get basic information about anything you want - it makes it so easy to educate yourself and get more information when you're curious.

I read a couple of articles, and was a little surprised to find that there is not a ton of stuff I object to. They are Christians, and believe in God, and Jesus Christ as the son of God. They believe in the Bible, in fact, their religion is heavily based on it, and Bible study is a main tenet of their beliefs. Which, in a way, is cool. It's the reason they're able to publish these things and have discussions where they can use the Bible to give you references and background.

The main things I objected to? The first is that they believe that theirs is the one true religion. Watch Tower Society publications teach that Jehovah's Witnesses alone represent true Christianity and for that reason they refuse all ecumenical relations with other religious denominations (from Wikipedia). I know that a lot of denominations or faiths believe that they are correct, but I don't believe in being intolerant of other religions, and I think that the more we get together, the better. We can accomplish so much on our own, but working together the possibilities are endless. I believe that God can present himself in many ways to many people. Every religion has fundamentalists, but I think that for the most part, people who are truly faithful do not foster intolerance.

There is also the fact that they don't believe in higher education. "Jehovah's Witnesses are instructed to make their preaching work the top priority in their life. Higher education is discouraged because of the futility of planning secular advancement in a world they believe faces imminent destruction, as well as fears about succumbing to "worldly thinking" and concerns that advanced educated might lead to a lack of humility." I believe in living in the world we're in, in educating ourselves, and in leading fulfilling lives. If this is fulfilling for them, that is great, but for me personally, I want to learn, expand my horizons, and support myself and my family. I believe that God put us in this life for something more than preaching about what he is going to do for us. Helping others is extremely fulfilling, but it's hard to continue doing it if you are preoccupied with being unfulfilled in other parts of your life.

The there's the "the man is in charge of the household and gets the final say", which just isn't how I live.

All in all though, I wasn't hugely put off by much that they were saying. Despite the fact that they might not believe in joining together under the umbrella of Christianity, my faith allows me to respect other faiths. I think that people find their light and faith in different places, and that the underlying goodness that comes from many denominations is what really matters. I believe that the value of Jesus lies largely in striving to be like him, to respect ourselves and each other, and to support each other in all ways we can. I know that they visit because they care about what they're saying and the words they are sharing.

So, despite the fact that I know I can't join them, I'll continue to smile and greet them at the door, to take their literature and read through it, and to learn something new when I do.

Tribute to Maddie

Tribute to Maddie arranged by Mrs. Schmitty.