Friday Fragments: Deer, oh Deer

Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.

Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.

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I stopped by the only place I could find in town to ask about my broken camera lens.  A few months back, I dropped my camera.  I was kneeling and had the neck strap on, but I reached over to catch Sam because I thought he was falling, and the lens smacked the ground.  It was fine except now the autofocus doesn't work.  I don't mind using the manual focus in some situations, but when I'm trying to take pictures of the kids or things that are tricky or moving, I find a lot of my photos coming out blurry.  I was really hoping maybe it was just a stuck focus ring or something, but I found out this week that it's going to be cheaper to just buy a new one than try and get it fixed.  I am bummed because I want to start taking more pictures again, and we don't really have the money for a new lens right now.  I'll probably just buy a used one from Ebay, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to.  Bummer.

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A couple of weeks ago, the City Council in Topeka, KS voted to repeal a law against misdemeanor domestic battery.  Did you catch that?  They decided to basically LEGALIZE domestic violence.  Why?  Because it is becoming too expensive to uphold.  DOES NOT COMPUTE.  I am sickened by this.  They are specifying that they will not prosecute cases of domestic violence.  They will presumably continue to prosecute basic assault and battery cases.  It seems to me that this boils down to condoning domestic violence, and telling people who experience domestic violence that they are not important.  As if this country doesn't have enough of a problem with this already - a woman is battered every 12 seconds.  Maybe more.  And the geniuses over in Topeka have just given people a free pass on beating their wives.  I just don't understand.

*****

The other night, I happened to glance out my back window to see this:

I swear, it will NEVER get old to be able to look outside and see that, no matter how often it happens.

Danny was very excited about it, but the cat was unsure of what the heck those guys were doing in our yard.

*****

We FINALLY finished moving last weekend.  It took another full day and a 10 foot truck, but all of our stuff is now crammed into the garage at the new place.  I am itching to organize it so that I can park the car in there again, now I just have to find the time to do it somewhere.

*****

On Wednesday, I had my blog critique by Melissa from Momcomm.  It got me kind of excited, so I did some things around the blog.  Redesigned, cleaned up, and with a few new pages.  I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I am!

*****

Well, that's about it for this week.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Now, we fight.

It has been nearly two months.  I haven't written about it because it's not my story.  Well, it is my story.  But it's not.

"She has breast cancer." 

I heard my sister say it.  I still replied "What??"  I heard it.  I just didn't comprehend it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know, and has long, perfect, black hair.  She's going to lose her hair.  It was one of my first thoughts.

I have known her since we were kids, when we met, she and my sister were going into the 3rd grade, and I was going into 6th.  She was the first friend we had when we moved from Michigan to Washington. 

She is 29. 
She has a son the same age as Sam.

I spent so much of the next few weeks crying.  Every time I would think about her, my stomach would turn.  I was am so heartbroken, afraid, terrified... and then I would think about how she and her parents must be feeling that a thousand fold and I would fall apart even more.

She is one of my sister's best friends. 
She is my friend. 
She is hurting.


I wanted so much to DO something.  Feeling helpless has been one of the hardest parts.  I felt extra helpless because she and I have not been that close in recent years.  She's been more a part of my sister's life, and I've become a bit closer with her Mom through book club.  I wanted to tell her how much I am thinking about her, that I love her, that I am here for anything at any time she needs it.  But I wondered if it would seem weird.  I don't want to overstep my bounds.

This is my first time.  My first friend with breast cancer.  It was bound to happen eventually, but I just didn't expect it... not like this. 

Not knowing was hard.  And then, there was news.

There is cancer in her liver.

Stage Four.

I had to pull the car over until I could stop sobbing.  I wanted to vomit.  This is so painful, so full of physical pain and mental pain.

I think about her mother, and there is a whole second aspect that I can and can't comprehend all at once.  I think of my children and try to imagine how I would feel if one of them was sick. 

I cry because this is not even my pain, and yet it is so painful.
I cry because I am lucky. 
I cry because it's not fair.

I spend too much time online.  I wanted to know how to help.  There have been google searches, articles, blogs... statistics.  Survival rates.  She is not a number, she is not a statistic.  She is my friend.  I KNOW this.  But still, when I even write about it, my chest constricts and my throat closes a little and I want to scream about how it's not fair and it's not right and what are we going to do?

I want this post to be beautiful. 
I want to be eloquent.
I want to pay tribute to her. 
I want it to be put together, not disjointed. 

I want to somehow convey the love I have for her, and the heartbreak I am feeling right now as I write this.  But I can't.  I just can't.  For once, I find I don't have the words, and I am crying again.

Last week, I read Amber's post about her friend Wendy.  It hit me so close to home.  It reminded me that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I've never written a post for it before.  I know that I have clicked 'mark as read' on posts about it before.  I don't think I can ever do that again. 

I know something now - age doesn't always matter.  It's not always about family history.  It's so important to take care of ourselves.  So, please, please, check yourself.  And if you find a lump?  Tell the doctor you want it checked NOW.  Not later.  My friend found a lump for the first time in April.  If they had done more testing, maybe she could have gotten a diagnosis earlier and this fight could have been that much easier.  It may not be that urgent, because breast cancer is often not this aggressive.  But sometimes, it is.

So, what now?


Now, we wait. 

There is a treatment plan.  She seems to be in good spirits about it. 

Now, we hope. 

She is young and strong and otherwise healthy.  She has started chemo.

Now, we pray.

She has resources, friends and family who are amazing.  One of them took her wig shopping.  She tried on a hot pink wig, and I smiled at the photo.

Now, we fight.

It's Worth Feeling Stupid

The screaming startled me. I was at a stop light, waiting to turn, and I heard a man's voice screaming at someone. I looked around to try and find the source, not sure if it was someone yelling from a car, or someone on the street.

I spotted them across the street I was making a left turn onto. A man and a woman, both wearing backpacks. He was talking loudly and animatedly, following after her. She was very obviously walking away from him, and he was exhibiting what I can only describe as threatening behavior. I'm not sure, but I may have seen him grab at her arm.

What now?

The light turned green, and I made my turn. But instead of turning into the 7-11 parking lot where I was headed, I slowly drove past them, watching. Nothing really crazy was happening, they were both angry looking and he was still walking behind her. About a block ahead there was a turn-off to a trail head. I made a u-turn and pulled in, and just sat there. My window was down already.

Should I say something, or just drive away?

At this point, it was obvious that I was watching them, and the man began to cross the street, looking directly at me. He shouted to me something to the effect of 'why don't you mind your own business and stay out of other people's.'

My heart was pounding.

I heard her say 'no doubt.' I called out, "Are you okay?" He replied, "YEAH, she's okay!" Incredulously. Those were his words, but in his tone I heard 'stupid meddling bitch.'

I drove away.

I hope she really was okay. I was prepared to offer her a ride, a way out of the situation if she needed it. Once I stopped, it seemed like she was not running from him. Maybe it was just a fight.

But, you never know.

I hope that I didn't cause her any more trouble than she already seemed to have on her hands. I'm sure that both of those people thought I was meddling, that I was an idiot. Maybe it was just a fight that got out of hand. Maybe later they'd be embarrassed. Whatever they thought, I don't regret stopping.

Because you never know.

What if she had needed a way out? What if she had been in danger, and I could have helped? In any case, if you choose to behave like that in public, you SHOULD expect someone to say something.

Every 12 seconds a woman is battered in the United States (Ms. Magazine, 2000).

Last week, Kriston Peterman-Dunya was shot to death by her estranged husband here in Bellingham. She left behind a 7 year old son.

Domestic Violence is the largest single cause of injury to women in the United States, more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes (Surgeon General of the U.S., 1990).

In my training and volunteering for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services, it's become apparent that we need to do more. We need to educate people about domestic violence. We need to empower people to speak out. We cannot rely on the fact that someone ELSE is going to help.

When we lived in Redmond 9 years ago, there was a night I heard our neighbors fighting. I heard him yelling at her, I heard her shoved up against the door. I stood at our front door, phone in hand, absolutely ready to dial 911. Luckily, she'd called friends and they picked her up before it escalated further.

It can be difficult to step into a situation where we don't feel we belong.

Sometimes, it's worth feeling a little stupid.

I would rather feel stupid than wonder if someone needed my help, and I didn't offer it.

He went to smoke and never came back

It is odd being in the emergency room. I always brace myself before I enter the room, because I never know what I'll find. Sometimes, I get some back story from a nurse or a police officer before I go in, sometimes I just get a name and room number.

Tonight, she has not decided if she wants to report her assault, so no Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner has been called in. There is usually one on, but she is sick tonight. The SANE's usually keep the door closed, but tonight it's open.

It's strange to hear the noises coming from the other open doors. Across the hall, there is a little kid, probably four or five, who can't stop barfing. It's sad. I hear whispered conversation from the person in the bed next to hers. Clips of conversations about a previous miscarriage, something about diabetes.

We always believe the assault survivors, no matter their story. I find that it's almost always easy not to doubt them. As soon as I see their faces, I find a moment in their shoes, and I want to take away their pain. I know it's impossible, so I do what I can.

The bedsheets on the wheeled gurneys in the ER never fit right. They look soft, like t-shirt fabric, but the edges always hang loose like extra skin on someone who lost a lot of weight. The white blankets always look so thin, and I wonder if she is warm enough.

I feel so secure, loved, and care for in my life and I can't imagine a life of being scared and abused always, from the moment you can remember.

Where is the call button? We've been waiting for someone, but we can't find the button. Eventually, I find it on the floor, hanging from it's cord on the wall. It must have gotten knocked down when she got her X-rays. After an hour, I leave to find someone and get information about what is next.

When I arrived, her "friend" was there with her. He told me he was going to have a cigarette and never came back.

There are children at home, and I try to imagine being raped and then having to find a babysitter.

*as always, my posts about my volunteer work are not specific to any date or situation, but composites of memories I have.

*****

I had to make a difficult decision recently to take another break from my work as a volunteer advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. I love it, but right now I have two small kids at home not sleeping through the night, and my one night alone with my husband most weeks just got changed to Friday, which is when I've been doing my on call shifts. With our family life and our schedules, it's just too much right now. I'm sad to give it up because I love it, but my kids and my marriage have to come first. I'm staying on the list so I can volunteer at one off events and attend trainings, and hopefully participate in some of the events for Sexual Assault Awareness Month in April. For now, I'll just have to look forward to the day when I can jump back in.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

As many of you know, I volunteer for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of Whatcom County. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so throughout the month I'll be making a few different posts throughout the month highlighting some different things. Today, I want to talk about a few resources that are available.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month started as a "Day of Unity" that happened in October 1981 created by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Day of Unity turned into a week of activities at state, local, and national levels including mourning victims, celebrating survivors, and connecting people who are working to fight against DV.

The first DVAM was observed in 1987 and in 1989, Congress designated October National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Today, the first Monday of DVAM, is the Day of Unity.

Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services

DVSAS is a local nonprofit based in Bellingham. I have been a volunteer advocate for them for over a year. Their mission is "to support individuals affected by domestic violence and sexual assault and to lead the community towards ending these abuses of power." I love volunteering for DVSAS because it gives me a chance to give back to the community and really help people. It's also opened up my eyes to how big a problem DV and SA still are in our world, and how much work we have to do to overcome these problems. I'm volunteering at several events this month, but my normal work as an advocate is taking calls to our 24 hour hotline and providing medical advocacy at the ER for DV and SA survivors.

One of the services that Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services provides for the community is called The Empowerment Project. The Empowerment Project sends us out to local 6-12 grade students to give a 3 day (45-80 min per day depending on the class period length) presentation on dating and domestic violence and sexual assault. I am really excited about the opportunity to be one of the first volunteers trained to do these presentations!

A new volunteer training class starts this week, and they have a wish list and other ways to donate online.

Womencare Shelter

Womencare Shelter is a confidential emergency shelter, also here in Bellingham. They have a 24 hour helpline and in addition to shelter, they provide other important services like advocacy, help finding housing, support groups, financial planning and sponsorship for educational scholarships. Womencare is always looking for donations and volunteers, and have their wish list posted on their website.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

NCADV's Mission Statement and Purpose is listed on their website.

"The Mission of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) is to organize for collective power by advancing transformative work, thinking and leadership of communities and individuals working to end the violence in our lives.

NCADV believes violence against women and children results from the use of force or threat to achieve and maintain control over others in intimate relationships, and from societal abuse of power and domination in the forms of sexism, racism, homophobia, classism, anti-Semitism, able-bodyism, ageism and other oppressions. NCADV recognizes that the abuses of power in society foster battering by perpetuating conditions, which condone violence against women and children. Therefore, it is the mission of NCADV to work for major societal changes necessary to eliminate both personal and societal violence against all women and children.

NCADV's work includes coalition building at the local, state, regional and national levels; support for the provision of community-based, non-violent alternatives - such as safe home and shelter programs - for battered women and their children; public education and technical assistance; policy development and innovative legislation; focus on the leadership of NCADV's caucuses developed to represent the concerns of organizationally under represented groups; and efforts to eradicate social conditions which contribute to violence against women and children."

They are a great resource and provide information on their website like ways to donate, information about public policy, resources for survivors and educators and upcoming events.

National Network to End Domestic Violence

NNEDV is another national organization "dedicated to creating a social, political and economic environment in which violence against women no longer exists."

One of their big projects is The Safety Net Project, which "addresses how technology impacts the safety, privacy and accessibility rights of victims. The Safety Net Project educates victims, their advocates and the general public on ways to use technology strategically to help find safety and escape domestic violence, dating violence, sexual violence, stalking and abuse."

Domestic Violence Awareness Project

The Domestic Violence Awareness Project is "is a diverse and unique partnership of local, tribal, state and national domestic violence organizations and networks. The DVAP collaborates to collect, develop and distribute resources and ideas relevant to advocates' ongoing public and prevention awareness and education efforts not only in preparation for DVAM, but also throughout the year."

You can find lots of information on DVAM and how to increase awareness and support DV survivors at their website.

Violence Unsilenced

Violence Unsilenced is an amazing website created by Maggie Ginsberg-Schutz after she received amazing response when she posted on her personal website about abuse. She launched the site in February of 2009. VU gives survivors of sexual and domestic abuse a place to tell their story in their own words. It's an amazing place of support, healing, and sharing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Get safe. Contact the hotline for local resources, safety planning, and support.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Events in Bellingham

If you want to support survivors, learn more about domestic violence, or help raise awareness, here are some local events around Bellingham this month.

October 7 - Domestic Violence Awareness Month Vigil
6:00 - 7:00 p.m. Whatcom County Courthouse (311 Grand Ave)

The vigil will include music and speakers addressing what is being done in the community to address domestic violence. The Seventh Annual Domestic Violence Outstanding Achievement Award will also be presented. Free. For more information call Merrilee Gardner at 671- 8539.

October 12 - Labyrinth Walk for Healing
Between 5:00 - 8:00 p.m. Bellingham Cruise Terminal (355 Harris Ave)

All members of the community are encouraged to join in a labyrinth walk for healing. A labyrinth is a symbol that relates to wholeness. Walking the labyrinth represents a journey to our center and back again into the world. There will be art materials available for an art project. The Labyrinth Walk is sponsored by the Bellingham-Whatcom County Commission Against Domestic Violence. Free. Call Sharry at 734-3720 for more information.

October 16 - Born in Flames: The DVSASlam
7pm doors open, event begins at 8 p.m. Jinx Art Space (306 Flora St.)

Citizens of Bellingham rejoice! Once again poetrynight brings you our annual slam to benefit DVSAS of Whatcom County. Six ladies take the stage to bring you "Born in Flames: The DVSASlam," an evening of spoken word performances, live music and libations! Best of all, every dime and dollar raised go directly to ending domestic violence in our community. $7

October 20-22 - Healing Generations to Change the Future
9:00 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Lummi Community Building (2334 Lummi View Dr.)

For more information call 384-2285.

October 20 - Self Defense Class
6:00 - 7:30 p.m. at DVSAS (1407 Commercial St)

Susan Dechanes from Kick it Studio will teach basic self-defense for women. The class is free, for more information call 671-8539.

October 26 - Intersections: Chemical Dependency and Domestic Violence with Cynthia Obtinario
2:00 - 4:00pm YWCA Ballroom (1026 N. Forest St.)

Cynthia Obtinario, from New Beginnings in Seattle, brings decades of experience in the chemical dependency field as well as nearly 12 years of experience in gender specific treatment and domestic violence victim services. Cindy has provided numerous workshops specializing in the integration of domestic violence and chemical dependency. Currently she provides: advocacy for women with substance use issues, consultation for staff, and community education on these topics. Also passionate about systems advocacy, Cindy was involved in the inception of Triple Play and is a current board member for the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (WSCADV). $10 ($5 students) For more information contact Ann Suloway 734-4820 ext. 106.

Volunteer Opportunities

If you have any interest in becoming a volunteer, there are two opportunities to get involved starting soon!

Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services Volunteer Training begins October 9.

If you are interested in becoming a volunteer at Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services, please call 671-5714 or check www.dvsas.org for more information.

Womencare Shelter Volunteer Training

Make a meaningful contribution by becoming a volunteer. Trainings held every three months. For more information please call 671-8539.

Please join me and so many others in celebration, support, and making people aware of Domestic Violence and how we can help put an end to it.

Do you work? aka What do you do all day?

I have recently made a point to answer a certain way when people ask me "Do you work." Saying no? That doesn't cut it. So instead I say "I don't work outside the home." What does that mean? This...

Monday, September 13, 2010

8:30 am - Wake up in bed with the baby on one side and Sam waking up on the other. "It's morning! Let's play hide and seek!" As I try to will my eyes open.

8:45 am - Head downstairs, both children are awake now. Turn on morning cartoons. Make the baby a bottle and an English Muffin for Sam.

9:00 am - Leave kids in TV room. Put in load of laundry and gather changes of clothes from upstairs.

9:15 am - Pick up Danny as he wants me to hold him constantly.

10:00 am - Danny is asleep. Deposit him in his swing. Update Quicken and check over bills due. Do research for articles due tomorrow. Finish and post blog entry for today.

10:30 am - Danny wakes up. Get him out of the swing and feed him.

11:00 am - Put Danny in bouncy chair and wash face & get dressed. Get Danny changed, and give him a suppository to make him poop (my life is awesome).

11:15 am - Eat some chips and salsa while feeding Danny and hanging out with Sam.

12:00 pm - Sam decides he is hungry & wants Mac & Cheese. Thank goodness for Easy Mac. Cook it and help him eat it. He needs to eat quickly so we can get the bus!

12:25 pm - Load the baby in the car and drive to the bottom of the driveway to await Sam's bus.

12:35 pm - Deposit child 1 on bus. Drive to town.

12:50 pm - Costco parking lot is way too crowded for a quick run in to see if they still have those tutus I wanted to get for a friend's daughter's Christmas gift (yes I am already thinking about Christmas... easier on the wallet that way) and a box of crackers for Sam's classroom.

12:55 pm - Exit parking lot, drive to Walgreens and drop off prescriptions that need refills.

1:15 pm - Arrive at doctors office for Danny's 4 month checkup. He is 12 lbs 12 oz and in the 10th percentile for weight. He's smaller than Sam was at 4 months, but is in the 50th for height (25 inches) and head circumference. Doctor will call in a new referral to get us down to Children's Hospital to see someone in the GI department.

2:45 pm - Drive home.

2:55 pm - Arrive home. Transfer sleeping baby into the house. Pay 4 bills.

3:05 pm - Baby wakes up. Make a bottle and feed him while watching some cake show on TV.

3:25 pm - Play with baby.

3:30 pm - Hold sleeping baby. He will wake up if I put him down. Manage to pay the rest of the bills while holding him.

3:45 pm - Deposit baby in umbrella stroller. Walk down to meet Sam's bus.

3:59 pm - See bus whiz by driveway, already 11 minutes late. Contemplate calling the bus garage.

4:05 pm - Bus finally arrives, having turned around. Driver is a sub as there is no permanent driver on our route for the ride home yet. Sam is chatting it up with his friend Alex and the bus driver has to tell him to get off the bus.

4:05 and a half pm - Sam begins whining. He does not want to walk up the driveway. I am determined that this year he will get used to that TINY amount of exercise I am cruelly forcing on him.

4:06 pm - Sam stops whining and we play tag up the driveway.

4:15 pm - Sam is playing with Transformers and I'm nodding off on the couch holding Danny.

4:40 pm - Justin arrives home from work and sits with us. Danny freaks. Justin makes a bottle and he is happy again.

5:10 pm - Justin's Dad shows up at the house. He comes in to say Hi and hold Danny for a while.

5:20 pm - I get in the car to drive in to town for volunteer training. I stop at Subway on the way there and pick up dinner, which I eat in the car as I drive the rest of the way.

6:00 pm - Attend 2 hour training at Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services to learn how to give The Empowerment Project presentation about Dating Violence and Sexual Assault to students at local schools. I can't wait!

8:00 pm - Training ends. My phone is dead.

8:15 pm - Stop at the grocery store because we are out of cat food. Browse used DVDs at Blockbuster and buy Planet 51, Alice in Wonderland, Coraline and Fame.
Pick up random food items.

9:00 pm - Arrive home. Put away groceries, feed the cat. Let other cats in and out. All three boys are asleep in the TV room. Try to wake up Justin to see if he wants to go sleep upstairs, he says no. Continue putting away groceries.

9:15 pm - See if any new shows have been recorded. Season Finale of True Blood is waiting for me!

9:20 pm - Open the laptop. Write blog entry.

9:30 pm - Begin working on 2 articles due tomorrow.

9:44 pm - Hear Danny wake up in the other room. Make a bottle. Feed him & hold him.

10:09 pm - Try to put Danny down, he wakes up.

10:33 pm - Put Danny in his swing and get back to articles.

11:43 pm - Finish articles and submit them.

11:45 pm - Get formula powder & water ready, take burp cloths and blankets upstairs. Carry Sam upstairs, then Danny. Finally lay down in bed.

12:00 am - Fall asleep.

3:00 am - Wake up to feed baby.

6:00 or 6:30 am - Wake up to feed baby.

8:00 or 8:30 am - Rewind, begin again...

Unexpected Memories

I can never listen to the radio as I drive to the emergency room.

I rush to get ready. When I was pregnant, I would pack crackers and water to take with me. Now, I just grab my binder and my wallet and keys. I try to remember to eat something on the way, because I could be there for up to four hours.

In the pitch black of 11 pm, 3 am, 5:30 am I rush to my car. Some nights, the wind whips around me and I shiver not only from the cold but from the whistling sound it makes.

Sometimes, I pray. For God to give me strength to help. To change this person's experience for the better, even if it's only a tiny fraction of good in an otherwise awful event.

I don't always think about how I am meeting someone on what may be the worst night of their entire life.

When I arrive and they let me in to the ER, I can usually tell which room I'm going to by the police officer standing outside the door.

At first, I was surprised because they are almost never visibly broken as I expected they would be. Some are alone, some have a friend with them.

So far, the domestic violence calls have always been worse than the sexual assault calls for me. The emotions have been stronger, the devestation more apparent.

When I leave the hospital, it is often morning. Dawn is breaking and it's in that early time when the world is lighting up, but not quite awake.

As I drive home, I think about them. Days, weeks, months later I am surprised by the things that stick with me, these unexpected memories.

How pretty she was, with luscious, wavy brown hair.

Her mascara, the way it coated her lashes, thick like molasses and the streaks it left on her face.

The restraints hanging from the bottom of the bed, and how she knew they were there.

The way she sounded when she told me that she had learned her lesson, that she would never call the police again. How belieiving her physically hurt my heart.

Her son, 12 or 13, telling her that she didn't deserve to get treated this way.

Her pink hair.

Her pink bracelet.

How young she looked.

How beautiful her face was when it filled with her smile as she went to get dressed.

It is never the bruises or the violence or the pain that stick with me. It's not the stories.

It is the women.

***

So many people out there have experienced violence. I am an advocate, but thre are a lot of ways to help and offer support. One of the websites I support is Violence Unsilenced, where surivors have a voice. I'd love for you to visit it.

If you're in Bellingham, check out Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services on Facebook.

Birds? Meet Stone! Days 18 & 19

I'm loving participating in the SITS Blogfrog 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge! BUT, being a community lead for the project and trying to spread the linky love AND trying to visit with the many out of town guests we had this week AND cleaning my house for the playdate I had here this morning AND keeping up with the laundry AND making sure my 2 kids are fed and played with and changed and happy? Whew, it's kind of a lot of work!

Today is Day 19 of the challenge, and the task is to write an opinion post for our blogs. I have written opinion posts in the past, and I always have a lot of fun with it. It's really awesome to have an outlet where I can share those things I just NEED to say. Most of my opinion posts have centered around women's issues and equal rights, because those are two things I'm very interested in. Opinion posts are a great way to get discussion started on your blog. They're also a great way to draw in readers if you've got an opinion on a current news or political topic, currently showing movie, popular book or hot new product.

Now, let me step back a day - here's where killing two birds with one stone comes in. The task for Day 18 of the challenge was to create a sneeze page. If you're not familiar with the concept, you can read this article at Problogger all about what a sneeze page is, and how to create one.

When I was thinking about a topic to write an opinion post on, I started going through my archives and came across a few opinion posts I am still quite fond of. So, today I'm going to sort of do both tasks at once. Here are links to my favorite opinion posts of the past couple of years. At the bottom is a link to my new sneeze page, "What I Think", which is now linked in my sidebar as well! Hope you enjoy!

How We See Birth: Changing Our Perceptions - March 2010 - My thoughts on the way we view and treat birth in our culture and why it's not quite right.

Torture Porn: That's My Line and I'm Stickin' To It - February 2010 - Do you watch movies like Saw and Tourista? Here's why I won't.

Have a Little Faith - December 2009 - My opinion on the nasty backlash that happened online after the tragic drowning death of a 2 year old boy.

Birthing is Business? - May 2009 - Thoughts on birth and the medical system in America after watching Ricki Lake's documentary "The Business of Being Born."

Did Jenny McCarthy Cure Autism? - March 2009 - My take on her claims and the idea that autism is curable at all.

Octuplets? Not an Option! - February 2009 - Where do we draw the line? When does the search for a child become medically irresponsible?

Haiku Friday: Gay Marriage Makes Me Cry - July 2008 - My reaction to gay marriage being legalized in California.

Movie Monday: The Women (suck) - September 2008 - My review of the movie "The Women," one of the worst movies I have seen in the past 5 years. Here, I explain why.

The One About My Boobs

Now that I'm 9 months pregnant and people are starting to look surprised when I tell them there are almost 3 more weeks before this baby is due, the inevitable question also comes up. Are you going to nurse?

Despite the fact that people usually act casual when they ask, it's a loaded question. Depending on what part of the country you live in, the stigma surrounding breastfeeding can be very positive or very negative. Last time I was trying to nurse I heard stories of people in the midwest or other areas who were having a hard time finding support FOR breastfeeding. Where I live, the assumption is that you'll do it, and if you don't, you get judged.

I suppose that many people don't mean to be so judgemental, but they are. Perhaps they've never had children or perhaps they just didn't have any trouble breastfeeding. Maybe, like me, they always assumed that breastfeeding was easy and that it just magically happens and works wonderfully for all women. That any woman who isn't breastfeeding must just be choosing not to. But that's not the end of the story for a lot of women.

Then

So, let's start out with a little history. I did not breastfeed Sam. Not by my choice. It was really, really hard. The full story can be found mostly here, with updates here and here. Here's what happened in a nutshell.

It took us 2 years to get pregnant with Sam, and when we finally did, it was through IUI (artificial insemination). It took four tries. I know now that I had a bunch of undiagnosed conditions - Hypothyroidism, Poly-cycstic Ovarian Syndrome, Insulin Resistance, High Testosterone. All of those can affect fertility. All of them can affect a lot of things, and I had a lot of hormone related problems.

But none of my doctors did any tests. Getting pregnant was the end of their treatment of me. During my pregnancy, my doctor never once checked my breasts, never once asked if they had changed size or shape. Not once did someone bring up the fact that breastfeeding isn't always easy, or that fertility issues could possibly translate to breastfeeding issues.

Once I had Sam, there were lactation consultants. I was clueless. There was fenugreek, nipple shields, and a hospital double pump (aka human milking machine). There was a fussy baby who wasn't getting any food, enough milk to coat the bottom of a bottle, and questions about whether I was giving up and letting my baby down.

The last entry is on May 23, exactly 3 weeks after Sam was born. I decided to let go and stop trying. It was really a difficult decision, and I did feel in some ways that I'd failed. Despite the fact that I still think my body and health had a lot to do with it, I had a really hard time accepting that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.

Now

On the last day of our Hypnobirthing class, we watched a video about breastfeeding. I decided to go to the session about it despite the fact that I wasn't able to breastfeed Sam, and I'm glad I did. Throughout this pregnancy, I have been a little bit resigned, and thinking that I probably won't be able to breastfeed Danny. Partially because I hadn't learned anything new, and partially because I was just assuming things would go like they did last time. My first midwife took one look at my breasts and said she could see right away that I could have problems, and basically said that it could work out but not to count on it.

I thought I'd go to the breastfeeding session at class just to go. Why not, I'd paid for the class. Part of the session involved watching a video about breastfeeding and how a baby should latch on. And while I was in that room watching that video, it brought up some emotions... anger, annoyance and defiance. I made a few notes during the video when it welled up...

It may be true that breast is best, but saying that the AAP recommends nothing but breastmilk for 6 months makes me feel I did something wrong because my body didn't work properly. There is just not much assurance or support out there for moms who are unable to breastfeed and that choice is taken away from them. I would never CHOOSE not to breastfeed. Despite my difficulties last time, I am fully planning on trying this time. The difference is that I'm not counting on it this time because I know there's a chance it won't work out.

They said frequent skin to skin contact gives you a bond unique to breastfeeding, but I disagree with that. You can provide that for your baby either way, and skin to skin contact with the FATHER is hugely beneficial as well for bonding.

I found myself back in that place of letting myself feel judged for something that I hadn't had too much control over. I didn't know that I needed to do all my own research, I trusted my caregivers to give me good information. Despite all of that, I'm really glad I went to the class because I came out with a little bit of a shift in thinking.

For instance... our teacher showed us a diagram of a baby properly latched on. It basically showed the entire areolea inside the baby's mouth, and the nipple practically in the throat just dripping down milk. Between that and the video? At this point I am 99.9% sure that Sam NEVER latched on properly. Which means that even if my body had wanted to produce milk, it wasn't getting any signals to do it. I think the nipple shield was useless in my case, and that it just taught him food came from a plastic nipple. I think that the lactation consultants I saw were useless, they never tried to teach me about better latching techniques. No one recommended having as much skin to skin contact for the first few days. I just can't believe that none of this was taught in my hospital 'birth' class or discussed by my doctor OR the lactation consultants.

To some women, they may have heard these things before, and it may seem like common sense. But for a 25 year old holding her first baby? Not so much.

Soon

So, back to that question. When someone asks me "Are you going to nurse?" I find myself unable to give a yes or no answer. What I want to say is "of course." But I know from experience that things don't always turn out the way you think they will. I feel the need to say yes, I will try, but I couldn't last time. I think part of the reason is because I think that a lot of people don't realize that women even go through what I did, and that there isn't a lot of support out there when it happens.

All that being said, I am feeling much more hopeful this time. There are a lot of things I know now that I didn't know then, and here are a few reasons I'm feeling more optimistic this time:

1. Latching: I am much more confident now that I know how to look for a proper latch. I know more techniques for trying to get the baby to latch on, and if he's not doing it right, I feel MUCH more able to recognize that.
2. My breasts still have not increased in size much this pregnancy. However, I have noticed a change in the shape. They both look a little rounder, and in the past 3 weeks I've started to be able to get a little fluid from both sides. I don't remember that happening this early last time, so I'm taking it as a good sign.
3. Those medical conditions I listed above? They're being treated now. I'm on (safe for baby) medications for PCOS, Insulin Resistance, and Hypothyroidism. I am healther, I lost 30 pounds before I got pregnant and was able to conceive on my own this time. So, on the whole my body is a healthier entity than it was when I had Sam.
4. Better Support: I have a close family friend who is a childbirth educator and doula who I trust. I have my midwife. I have other resources I've found on my own. This time, I know exactly where to look and who to go to if I have trouble. I feel much more supported, and that makes a huge difference.
5. Skin to Skin: I plan to do as much skin-to-skin contact as I can in the first few days after baby comes. I didn't know last time that this could make such a difference, but this time why not add it to the mix?
6. Natural Delivery: If everything goes as planned, I'll be having a natural, drug-free delivery this time. I don't know that having drugs during labor necessarily affects the ability to breastfeed, BUT I do think that if you already have factors going against you, it probably doesn't help.
7. Less Stress: In terms of breastfeeding, and the birth in general, it's going to be a less stressful environment. I'm a lot more relaxed about both things, and because I have a midwife and will be at the birth center, the baby will be given to me right away. She won't mess with him, give him shots etc. for a good hour after he's born, and he'll be with me right away.

I'm excited about the idea that it might work this time. But I know that if it doesn't, I will be okay with that too. I feel so positive either way, going into it, and so much more confident.

So, will I nurse? The answer is, "I hope so!"

What are attitudes about breastfeeding like where you live? Did you have problems? What kind of support did you get/not get?

Some Resources for Breastfeeding Moms:

Dr. Jack Newman and/or Newman Breastfeeding Clinic & Institute - Lots of information about breastfeeding, inlcuing really great articles and videos of babies latching on properly.

La Leche League International

San Diego County Breastfeeding Coalition

Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues (MOBI Motherhood International) - This website and their Yahoo group provided almost ALL my support last time. It's now a nonprofit, and a wonderful and supportive environment for issues from improper latch to preemies to just having a lack of support in your real life.

Low Milk Supply - Information & Support for Breastfeeding Mothers

27/50? Not good enough!

Perusing some birth and midwife related websites today, I came across "The Big Push" for Certified Professional Midwives. That's where I found out that CPMs are not legally allowed to practice in 23 states. What the heck? Here's a little bit more about what they do:



I think that midwives are so valuable to pregnant women, and I can't imagine my only choice being a hospital birth. There is so much more out there, and I get tired of this country treating pregnant women like they have some kind of illness. In the majority of healthy pregnancies, there is no need for an OB, a CPM can safely and successfully deliver the baby. In any case, I think this is an organization worth checking out!

How We See Birth: Changing Our Perceptions

"Women are being convinced that their births are a medical incident... to surrender their experience to someone else..."

"When you change the way you view birth, the way you birth will change."

- Marie Mongan, founder of HypnoBirthing

How We View Birth

Something is wrong with the way we view birth in this country. That is a conclusion I came to much before I'd ever started taking a HypnoBirthing class. Not only is something wrong with the way we view birth, but with the way we handle it. In terms of developed countries, the infant mortality rate in the US leaves a lot to be desired. In other countries, many, many more women deliver with midwives. Why? Because if you have a 'normal', not high risk pregnancy, you don't really NEED a doctor to deliver your baby.

It seems like there is a perception that's grown that a woman's body is not good enough to handle having a baby. That she will certainly not be able to get through it on her own, and will need to be in a hospital with medical interventions. Half the time when I tell people I am planning on a natural birth, they look at me like I am crazy. But women have been having babies on their own for thousands of years, and been fine. Still, I am asked why I would WANT to have my baby without drugs when they are so readily available.

The thing is? Those drugs do take away pain. But they also take away other feelings, they override your body's natural hormones and feelings and change the experience completely. For some women, this might not matter. But for me... I want to have my baby and feel that connection, I want to feel my baby coming to me and feel the full strength of holding him in my arms for the first time. I wonder how different it will be from the first time. I don't know what to expect, and maybe it will be very similar. But maybe it won't, and that's not a chance I want to miss out on.

When Marie Mongan, the founder of HypnoBirthing, found herself pregnant with her first child in 1954, she wanted something different. She would be going through her labor and delivery in a time when husbands were not allowed in the birthing room. This was a time when by the time women were dilated fully, they were put under general anesthesia or "twilight sleep" to wake up no longer pregnant with their baby in a nursery somewhere else in the hospital. Here is a passage from the book HypnoBirthing that really stuck with me:

"My birthing was not going to be one of drugged compliance with no recollection of the experience. the premise that birthing, by nature, had to be a painful ordeal was totally unacceptable to me. I could not believe that a God who had created the body with such perfection could have designed a system of procreation that was flawed. So many questions prevented me from accepting the concept of pain in birthing. why are the two sets of muscles of the uterus the only muscles that do not perform well under normal conditions? Why are the lesser animals blessed with smooth, easy birthing while we, the very highest of creatures, made in the image and likeness of God, are destined to suffer? And why are women in some cultures able to have gentle, comfortable births? Are we women in the Western world less loved, less indulged, less blessed than they? It didn't make sense to me logically or physiologically."

Birth in the Media

Imagine the last time you saw a woman in labor in a TV show or movie. What was it like? Most likely she went into painful labor immediately, perhaps with her water breaking and contractions immediately doubling her over in pain. Rushed to the hospital, she was immediately in hard labor, covered in sweat and screaming as she pushed her baby out.

What is wrong with this picture? So many things. At our first HypnoBirthing class, our teacher told us about a study that was done at a conference with healthcare providers like nurses and doctors who attend births. They were shown 179 clips from various movies & television shows of women giving birth. Across the board, how many did they rate as REALISTIC portrayals? ONE. That's because, if I can just venture a generalization based on the women I have met, that's not how birth usually is.

Most of the women I know did not scream during labor. Less than 20% of women have their labor start with their water breaking. The average labor lasts 12 hours, and there is plenty of time to get used to the contractions before they overtake you. Plenty of time to talk around and mosey on over to the hospital. But a quiet, slowly laboring woman doesn't really make for good drama, does she?

Unfortunately, that means that the images that women and young girls are exposed to are highly negative. By the time girls become women able to reproduce, they've been exposed to these dramatized accounts, and maybe one birth video in health class, whose close up shot of a baby crowning most likely becomes their only memory of the whole thing. Because really, who wouldn't remember that?!

Even on reality shows like "A Baby Story" on TLC, they rarely show home births or births at birth centers. Generally when these types of births are portrayed on television, the parents are portrayed as being hippies, or slightly off. The reality is that anyone can choose a birth center or home birth regardless of their background.

Other media isn't always much better. At our first class, our instructor read us an article from WebMD about HypnoBirthing. While it started out positive, in the end the last two paragraphs that might stick with you? Not so positive:

"But some experts warn that hypnotism may not be enough to help everyone endure the powerful pains of labor. Yvonne Thornton, MD, PhD, a senior perinatologist at St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital Center in New York, says she would counsel women to think long and hard before they decide to try hypnobirthing or any other method of drug-free delivery.

"If you really want to have a drug-free birth, you have to be committed to the program or technique because if you are not really committed, it's a farce," she tells WebMD. "Some people have a fairy-tale idea about the true nature of labor, but it is painful. It is one of the most painful crisises that the woman has to endure."'

So basically, they write an article supposedly about the positives, and end it by telling you that you should really think about it before you decide to try this. To me, it implies that you have to be some kind of superwoman to really do a drug free birth, but normal women? Should really think about it, because they probably can't handle it. Then it refers to pregnancy as a crisis instead of as a wonderful, NATURAL event that has been happening for years. Why is this doctor considering birth a crisis when it's a natural, physiological process? You got me.

Since I've been pregnant, and in HypnoBirthing, I've watched many videos. There are tons of videos to be found on YouTube, the Hypnobirthing website, and other various places of amazing, empowering births. I'll post a few in one of my HypnoBbirthing themed posts. The bottom line is that these videos are amazing. They give me confidence, and it's a big shame that young women are not exposed to these kinds of videos that show what birth CAN be.

Fear, Tension and Pain

In our first class, we talked about the cycle of fear, tension and pain. In my opinion, the way that birth is portrayed in our media and the lack of realistic and positive information available for women feeds directly into the fact that myself and many women I know went into our first childbirth experiences full of fear.

I was terrified of labor. The stories I'd heard, the way that I'd seen birth portrayed... it all lead to this huge fear. How much would it hurt? Would I be able to handle the pain? And mainly, what would it be like afterward? I heard it described in more than one place as being "like hamburger down there." If that just horrified you and you're NOT pregnant, imagine how much it freaked me out! By the way, I assure you, it wasn't like that at all in my experience.

What happens to us when we are afraid? Our body secretes hormones meant to do certain things. In our first hypnobirthing class, we talked about the cycle of fear --> tension --> pain. We talked about how fear affects labor:

Fear creates stress hormones.
These hormones cause our arteries to constrict.
Less blood and oxygen is able to reach our uterus/baby.
The circular muscle fibers in the uterus constrict, fighting against the longitudinal muscles, which continue to contract, trying to draw the baby down.
This muscle tension leads to pain.
The mother may then experience a failure to progress.
The baby may experience distress because of the tension, and the pain the mother is feeling.
And we end up with some kind of medical intervention.

When you think about it this way, concretely, it makes sense why it is so important to think about how your birth is going to be, to realize what it CAN be. Going into the labor and delivery room afraid affects your whole birth experience. Unfortunately for many women, that's all they know.

What if? What if we could break this cycle for the majority of women who are going to have babies? What if instead of scaring them and telling them horror stories and showing them images of screaming women, we nurtured them and the lives growing inside them? What if, as pregnant women, we learned to love our bodies the way we love our babies and to trust ourselves?

That's really what I'm trying to do this time around. And you know what? I'm not afraid. I know that it's going to be intense. I know that it's going to be work, and it's not going to be easy. But I feel so much joy at the thought of bringing my baby into this world that I know it's going to be amazing.

What was your birth experience like? Were you afraid? Was there a difference for you in the fear level between your first and subsequent deliveries?

This is post 2 in a series about HypnoBirthing and my experiences learning the method. Part 1 is here. The next installment will be about HypnoBirthing and the Mind Body Connection. Or, see Part 4 about my experience.

Pregnancy & Birth Resources Online

This pregnancy has been very different for me. I was sicker, yes, but the biggest change has come in how I think about my baby and his birth.

I decided before I was ever pregnant that if I was to give birth to another baby, I wanted to do it on my own. As in, naturally. Without drugs. Not in a hospital. Luckily, here in Bellingham we have a very nice birth center that is very close to the hospital just in case. I have no problem with home births in general, I just don't really feel the desire to have a baby in my own house. We also live out in the county, so I feel a little more assured being closer to town. Although I'm pretty much convinced nothing will go wrong or off course.

Right now, I'm enrolled in a HypnoBirthing class and I plan to write a lot about the class and the experience, as well as documenting my birth experience. In the meantime, I do a lot of reading online. One of the main focuses of HypnoBirthing is changing your perception of birth and one of the most awesome tools for this is reading positive natural birth stories and seeing how other women have gracefully and amazingly brought their babies into the world.

So, today, I thought I'd share some links to some of the great websites that have been keeping me occupied lately. Please feel free to share in the comments if you have any more to suggest!

Hypnobirthing.com - This is the official website of the Hypnobirthing movement, including information, birthing stories, FAQ and more.

Inspiring Birth Stories - Although it hasn't been updated for several months, this is a great source for inspiring, positive birth stories. Some of the stories are written by mothers, and many are written by the doulas who attended them.

Bellies & Babies - The diary of childbirth educator, doula, mother, and aspiring midwife. Includes commentary, birth stories and more.

Enjoy Birth Blog - A blog about how to enjoy your pregnancy and birth, written by Sheridan - Hypnobabies Instructor, Hypno-doula, Proud VBAC mom, Lactivist, Positive Birth Story Collector and Mom of 3 Boys.

Have a Natural Childbirth - This is another blog that has not been updated in almost a year, but has great information and stories nonetheless!

Kayce's Doula Journey - I've enjoyed reading news, stories and points of view from Kayce, a Doula who wants to become a midwife.

Science & Sensibility - A research blog about healthy pregnancy, birth and beyond. Amy Romano helps us out by finding the latest research and interpreting it for us. This one may be a bit scientific or a heavy read for some people.

Stand and Deliver - Reflections on pregnancy, birth, and mothering from Rixa.

The Wonder of Birth - A stay at home mom's blog exploring childbirth issues.

I have also found that YouTube is an awesome resource for videos of natural births, Hypnobirths, and water births! Just be sure that if you're reading or watching somewhere and things seem negative, to stop. No need to expose yourself to that, especially if you're currently pregnant.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I have gotten a little bit out of the habit of writing movie and book reviews here, but it's something I love to do so I'm going to try and work it back in more regularly. As you may know, I have established an ongoing goal of reading 52 books per year. That works out to roughly one a week, although sometimes more, sometimes less. In 2008 I succeeded, in 2009 I totally failed and only read 36. I blame the morning sickness. We'll see how I do this year with a newborn on the way. My list of books read in 2010 is here.

The first book I finished this year was "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini. We read Hosseini's first book, "The Kite Runner," as a book club selection last year. I thought it was okay, but didn't love it. I had heard for a long time that his second book surpassed the first, but was afraid to read it for a long time. Here's a description of the book (pulled from Amazon.com):

Afghan-American novelist Hosseini follows up his bestselling The Kite Runner with another searing epic of Afghanistan in turmoil. The story covers three decades of anti-Soviet jihad, civil war and Taliban tyranny through the lives of two women. Mariam is the scorned illegitimate daughter of a wealthy businessman, forced at age 15 into marrying the 40-year-old Rasheed, who grows increasingly brutal as she fails to produce a child. Eighteen later, Rasheed takes another wife, 14-year-old Laila, a smart and spirited girl whose only other options, after her parents are killed by rocket fire, are prostitution or starvation. Against a backdrop of unending war, Mariam and Laila become allies in an asymmetrical battle with Rasheed, whose violent misogyny—"There was no cursing, no screaming, no pleading, no surprised yelps, only the systematic business of beating and being beaten"—is endorsed by custom and law. Hosseini gives a forceful but nuanced portrait of a patriarchal despotism where women are agonizingly dependent on fathers, husbands and especially sons, the bearing of male children being their sole path to social status. His tale is a powerful, harrowing depiction of Afghanistan, but also a lyrical evocation of the lives and enduring hopes of its resilient characters.

In terms of politics, I feel that women's issues are probably the most visceral to me. Beyond even that is the idea of human issues, going beyond mistreatment of women into mistreatment of human beings or groups in general. It's something I seem to have a bizarre fascination with, I think because I cannot really understand it on anything more than a surprised and confused level.

I thought that this was an amazing story. I loved how Hosseini intertwined the lives of the women he was writing about. The fact that this novel focused on female characters and their relationships rather than the male father/son relationships of "The Kite Runner" made it more appealing to me. At the same time, it frightened me a little because I knew that it would be emotional reading.

Though I was a little bit afraid to get started, I found that I handled the story pretty well. Nothing became truly unbearable to me until I was 240 pages into the book, at which point one of the main characters, Laila experiences an act of violence that is unthinkable. She is locked in a room with her baby daughter for several days with no food, light, or water by her husband. Even looking back at my copy to check page numbers, I can feel a sickness begin to grow in the pit of my stomach thinking about it. At the same time, it's part of the story, and unfortunately a very real part of the story.

Seven pages later, trucks roll into town and the country becomes known as the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan. The trucks have loudspeakers over which new laws are read out loud. I don't know whether Hosseini wrote these laws out himself, or where the information was from. But due to the rest of the story and his other books, I believe these are a fairly accurate representation of what happened when the Taliban took over in 1996. Think, for just one moment, about living in a world where these are some of the rules...

...singing is forbidden.
Dancing is forbidden...

...Writing books, watching films, and painting pictures are forbidden...

...Attention women:
You will stay inside your homes at all times. If is not proper for women to wander aimlessly about the streets. If you go outside you must be accompanied by a mahram, a male relative. If you are caught alone on the street, you will be beaten and sent home.
You will not, under any circumstance, show your face. You w ill cover with burqa when outside. If you do not, you will be severely beaten...

...You will not speak unless spoken to.
You will not try to make eye contact with men.
You will not laugh in public. If you do, you will be beaten.
You will not paint your nails. If you do, you will lose a finger.
Girls are forbidden from attending school. All schools for girls will be closed immediately...

Imagine a world where you are less than. It's hard for people like me who have lived in the US our entire lives, and despite whatever hardships we've faced, none were even close to this. To me, one of the most fascinating things about the story was the timing. I figured out early on that one of the main characters, Laila, was two years older than I am. This really anchored me to the story and gave me perspective on the fact that all of this was happening NOW. Not years or decades ago, but during the same lifetime in which I have lived with great freedom, support, and confidence as a woman. The above rules? Rolled out by the Taliban when I was 16 years old. Attending school, driving a car, being what in our world is a normal teenager.

It was amazing to me to think that at the end of the story, Laila is only 25 years old, three years younger than I am now. But she seems SO much older. Living the kind of life she did under suppression and fear aged her in a way I am lucky that I will never know. Though the book is fiction, I feel that Hosseini gives a VERY realistic picture of what life was like in Afghanistan during the past fifty years.

I also feel that I learned a great deal about the history of the regimes in Afghanistan and what has changed over the past few decades. One of the most interesting things to me was that during the course of the book, which takes place mainly between 1974 and 2003, women in Afghanistan went from having many options and freedoms to having almost none. I felt a similar sadness and astonishment when reading Marjane Satrapi's "Persepolis," knowing that it wasn't just that women have been suppressed for a long time. It was freedom, followed by a re-suppression and smashing down of rights and humane treatment.

"A Thousand Splendid Suns" is the amazing story of the strength of two women, and how the grow to support each other and to survive, together. It sheds light not only one what people can do TO each other, but what they can do FOR each other, and how we affect each other as we live. It's a good story, and in my case another reminder to count the blessings I experience daily.

You can visit Mr. Hosseini's website here to find out more about this and his other books.

Happy Birthday to Violence Unsilenced

So, I totally had another post planned for today until I saw in my reader that today is the first anniversary of one of my favorite websites, Violence Unsilenced. Violence Unsilenced is an absolutely amazing website/blog started by Maggie of Okay. Fine. Dammit.

I've written before about my work as an advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. It's something I felt called to do, and something that is very important to me. I believe that this website is an absolutely amazing place for women and men) who have experienced domestic or sexual violence.

I read their stories daily. And I am amazed by their strength. It takes a lot to speak out, a lot of courage that many people never find. In speaking out, some are able to find a piece of themselves they lost. To see how much support there is, even from strangers. And in many cases, inspire others to speak out and begin to or continue healing from really awful things that have happened to them.

So, Happy Birthday Violence Unsilenced. Here's to a hundred more.

What I Think

Here are a few of my favorite opinion pieces over the years - I hope you enjoy and feel free to leave comments, whether you agree or not!

How We See Birth: Changing Our Perceptions - March 2010 - My thoughts on the way we view and treat birth in our culture and why it's not quite right.

Torture Porn: That's My Line and I'm Stickin' To It - February 2010 - Do you watch movies like Saw and Tourista? Here's why I won't.

Have a Little Faith - December 2009 - My opinion on the nasty backlash that happened online after the tragic drowning death of a 2 year old boy.

Birthing is Business? - May 2009 - Thoughts on birth and the medical system in America after watching Ricki Lake's documentary "The Business of Being Born."

Did Jenny McCarthy Cure Autism? - March 2009 - My take on her claims and the idea that autism is curable at all.

Octuplets? Not an Option! - February 2009 - Where do we draw the line? When does the search for a child become medically irresponsible?

Haiku Friday: Gay Marriage Makes Me Cry - July 2008 - My reaction to gay marriage being legalized in California.

Movie Monday: The Women (suck) - September 2008 - My review of the movie "The Women," one of the worst movies I have seen in the past 5 years. Here, I explain why.

The First Time

It is 3:58 am on a Sunday morning when I get my first call from the ER. With a name on a piece of paper, I drive.

The road is dark, and there is no sign of summer's warmth. I feel nervous, but determined. I turn off the music and I pray.

Give me strength and intuition. Let me help. Please keep her safe, and help her remember her value. Guide me with instinct to know how to be the best support.

I walk through the ER alone, reading numbers. Her room is dark, and when I enter, she is sleeping. She looks small in this one size bed, and I don't want to wake her.

She doesn't know who I am or why I've come, but she tells me she is heartsick. I know she feels helpless, betrayed, and afraid. I cringe inside as I hear the hardest though - self blame, stupidity, I should have known.

I believe her when she says she will never call the police again, and it makes me want to cry out with reason and anguish and compassion.

I leave her with information, a phone number, and hopefully some glimmer of support and understanding. It's hard to tell, but I think I've made a difference, even if it was very, very small.

As I approach my car in the cool morning air, 45 minutes have passed. I suddenly realize that my body is fighting between bursting into tears and vomiting. In the end, I do neither and drive home in silence. Her words echo, and now it is I who feels heartsick.

As I drive home, I wonder how I will be able to sleep again. Clouds are becoming visible as the sun's glow precedes it on the horizon. A new day is dawning, and I thank God for all of my blessings.

Old News

I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to write a post about Dr. Tiller. I heard about it, and I was sad. I realize at this point it's old news, but I am still so outraged that I need to finish what I started, and publish what I've written.

I wasn't going to write about how ironic it is that people who are "pro-life" think that ending a life is a good way to go about spreading their message. I wasn't going to write about how I don't understand selective humanism. Do you care, or don't you? I wasn't going to write about how I disagree, or how it shouldn't be called pro-life, because really, who ISN'T pro-life? I wasn't going to write about how no one is pro-abortion and how much women struggle with ever reason for it. I wasn't going to write about how fucking awful it would be to be forced to carry that baby - the one made against your will by the stranger, the date rapist, the father, the brother.

But then I started to read. I read what are undoubtedly some of the most heart wrenching, awful stories ever. About late term abortions. I am talking about the most heartbreaking choice ever. A choice that must be made by horrified, hopeless mothers and fathers. A choice that isn't a choice - how do you choose between two lives? What value is there in preserving a life that will only be full of pain and suffering, short lived and awful when continuing it could kill you? It's enough to make me vomit even thinking about it, thinking about the pain and the indescribable awfulness of it all. Even if you survive it, you still suffer, you are still in pain and suffering, but at least your baby isn't.

So, where will these women go now? Is it really possible that so many can turn their backs on these mothers and fathers in the exact moments they need it the most? That people will put an agenda ahead of real suffering, of real need for mercy and love? It's just disgusting.

Do people even think about this stuff?

The Call

In the twilight, I stop outside the front door. I focus in on the flowers, purple clusters cloaked in dusk. I try to quiet my thoughts, let the petals remind me that the world is full of beauty.

For 19 hours this week I've sat in a room with 25 other people. We listen. We watch. We learn. We speak. After reading stories of unspeakable things, we cry. We admit how much it hurts to imagine that people can do such things. I choke up explaining that my heart hurts because it affects the survivors, but also creates a world in which women are frightened.

Our group is a ragtag bunch of college students, males, females, a probation officer, people big and small, mothers and daughters. Different as can be, but united by one single attribute - hearts too big for our chests. Urges and desires to reach out, to support those who cannot support themselves.

In the car on the way home after hearing about domestic violence for three hours, I think 'people are fucking fucks'. It's not a change in my views. Just how I am feeling at the moment. I live, I believe, that people are inherently good. I choose not to be afraid, not to worry about the worst of things, because what would be the point to life then?

I am overcome by the feeling of not knowing. How is it possible that people could treat one another this way? How is it possible that in our "progressive" society, a woman is battered every 12 seconds? How is it possible that in this world where women have supposedly come so far, 7 of of us die every day at the hands of someone we trust?

I cannot comprehend it. Then I realize that I don't need to. I will hold my head high. I will be there for you. For you who need me. One at a time, in the moment, providing what I can to help healing begin.

I feel weird saying I feel called to do this. I have never felt this way before about anything in my life. In the past, I've been the kind who would get that tinge of 'that's weird' upon hearing someone talk about a calling. Perhaps until you hear that call, you cannot understand it. I am nervous, but not afraid. I know that this is somewhere I am supposed to be. I hope that one day it might lead to an actual job beyond volunteer work.

I am sure.

Next week, I will be an advocate for Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services.

Birthing is Business?

Last week, I picked up "The Business of Being Born" from the library. It's a documentary made by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein about birth in the United States. I'm very interested in the topic, and lately have been reading and looking on the internet. No, I'm not pregnant, and it's actually possible that I won't be pregnant again. But I feel that after my own birth experience, I became even more interested in other women's experiences and what birth can be.

This was a very informative movie. Yes, it is one sided. But I think that a lot of valuable information is included about how we see birth in the United States.

I thought about having a midwife for my son, but never did anything about it. I liked my OB, in hindsight he wasn't the best before conception and should have referred us to a fertility specialist sooner, but as far as the pregnancy and birth went, he was great. Midwives attend over 70% of births in Europe & Japan. In the United States, it's less than 8%. In the movie, they point out that very few doctors have ever observed a normal, natural birth in med school or at the hospital. Obstetricians are trained surgeons. That's what they are trained to do. Midwives are trained to help women give birth, and to help their bodies do what they are supposed to do. Dr. Jacques Moritz, one of the doctors featured in the film, goes as far as to say "For a normal, low risk woman, it's overkill going to a doctor. It's just too much, the doctor's not really excited about things when they're normal." Dr. Jacques Moritz St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital

The bottom line is that the average labor is 12 hours, a c-section takes 20 minutes. Peak times for c-sections taking place are 4 pm and 10 pm. Once you're in a hospital setting, it's almost certain that you will be in one of two situations. Either your labor will progress so fast that drugs are not an option, or you'll be given pitocin to augment and speed along your labor. Once that pitocin drip starts, you're on a slippery slope into a situation that starts to snowball. I experienced it during my labor - I new when they gave me pitocin that I wanted the epidural first. Pitocin pushes you into hard labor fast. Without drugs, it can get really painful really fast without working up to it. 90% of patients at some hospitals are put on pitocin. The pitocin leads to an epidural, which can lead to slowed labor, more pitocin and contractions that are so long and hard they send the baby into distress, leading to a c-section. If pitocin hadn't been given in the first place, a lot of mothers might be experiencing a more normal and natural labor instead of major surgery. Speaking of which, it seems like people forget that a c-section is a major surgery. The more you have, the higher the risk, and sometimes it can lead to antibiotic resistant infections. Yet, in subsequent pregnancies, many doctors will not recommend a vbac (vaginal birth after cesearian). Maybe they're afraid of getting sued, maybe they want to take the route that's easier on the schedule and just get that c-section fit in to a day at work. Whatever the reason, many women who could easily and safely experience natural childbirth after a c-section are not really given the opportunity. I think that a lot of women don't know, or it doesn't occur to them, that they can choose to switch doctors or fight harder if it's something they really want. We tend to blindly trust in medical professionals even when we might have a few doubts.

I knew before I went into labor that I wanted to try something different. I knew that birthing laying down on your back is not ideal, and I wanted to try squatting with a birthing bar, but the epidural made that impossible. One of the doctors in the film pointed out that the vertical birth (squatting or sitting up) is on the mother's time and will happen more smoothly on it's own.
There was one video of a woman giving birth at a birthing center. She was in the position that felt comfortable for her, leaning against a bed with her knees slightly bent. The midwives/support people were all squatting around her, on the floor, accomodating HER. It immediately came to my mind that this is the way birth SHOULD be.

I totally agree with the point they make in the movie that women in America don't have a normal picture of birth - TV shows screaming women and chaos, and women become afraid of the experience of giving birth. now, I think a certain amount of fear or reverence is healthy, but I definitely think I was more afraid than I needed to be about giving birth and the labor process. I was provided with plenty of images of hard births, of sweating and screaming. I was not provided with any images like some of the ones in the video, women birthing quietly, peacefully, on their own terms. There were a couple of videos of home births with midwives in the movie. One in particular was amazing, an African-American woman giving birth in a birthing pool. She moans during labor, but the delivery is serene and peaceful and almost spiritual. Ricki Lake had her 2nd birth at home and had her baby in the bathtub. Not as quiet, but also obviously a transcendant moment.

I think we should be asking ourselves why the US has the second worst newborn death rate in the developed world. We also have one of the highest maternal mortality rates in all industrialized countries. Dr. Michael Odent, one of the doctors featured in the film says "The fact that midwives have disappeared is a symptom of the fact taht we no longer remember what women in labor NEED [basic needs]. Today what we need to discover is how easy birth can be."

Why is home birth 'abnormal'? In 1900, 95% of births took place at home. In 1938 it was down to half, and today less than 1% of births take place at home. It's really interesting to me, because just like the doctor who said that a doctor may be overkill for a regular birth, perhaps it's true that a hospital may be overkill for a normal, uncomplicated birth. Women had their babies at home for hundreds and hundreds of years, and in many parts of the world, that's still the norm. But because of the way that birthing is portrayed in our society, I don't think that most women even consider home birth an option. Going to the hopsital is just what we do. But, guess what? Midwife/home birth can run $4000 while a normal hospital birth can run $13,000. We spend twice as much in the US per birth than any other country in the world. Why?

In the 1970s, fetal monitoring started to become the norm during labor. The c-section rate went from 5% to 25%. By 2005, it was up to 33%. Sometimes, having too much information might not be a good thing. Fetal monitoring allows the doctors to see every tiny thing. In some cases, it probably does save mothers lives and babies lives. But it's also worth thinking about what is being 'too careful' and leading to unnecessary interventions for mothers and their babies.

At some point during the movie, someone wonders if there could be a link between ADD, Austism etc. and birth interventions. Now, I freely admit that I don't know any facts about this, but it's an interesting idea. We could discover later that certain things being done now are having effects we don't know about (like thalidimyde). It's always a possibility.

Oxytocin, the natural chemical released during labor, birth and breastfeeding, promotes maternal agression. They are a love hormone, create a state of dependancy, addiction, attachment and maternal protection of the baby. Pitocin doesn't affect the brain the same way. could this be having an effect on the way we bond with our babies? In my mind, undoubtedly it causes changes. I'm not saying that it's the same for all women, but I wonder how many of the women who are not able to bond with their child right away might have been able to if they'd had a more natural labor? It's incredibly sad to me. It makes me wonder what I would have felt during birth if I'd held out and not augmented so soon, how much different would my experience have been? What would I have felt?

The filmmakers still believe that there are many options for every woman. Abby Epstein, the director, is pregnant and before the movie is over she goes into labor early and ends up having a c-section because her baby is breech and can't be turned. And it's okay, because that's what is best for that baby and that mother in that particular situation. Despite the fact that the film is providing information that is obviously skewed in one direction, I didn't feel like it was condemning any women for their choices. It's facts, it's information, it's another side to the story.

I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. Right now we're on the fence, and we're just not sure if another child is in the cards for us. If I have another one, I'll do things differently. I will check out the birth center here in Bellingham, and I will probably try hypnobirthing, and maybe water birth. I will try going much further into labor before asking for drugs. I wasn't at my breaking point last time, I only got the epidural at that point because I knew the pitocin would throw me into hard labor. If I knew then what I know now, I would have waited longer before getting the pitocin, if I got it at all. I'm sharing this stuff because I think it's important, I think that women need both sides of the story before they make their decisions, and a lot of the time they're not getting that.

How was your birth experience? Would you have done anything different? Did you do things differently with your first, second, third?