30 Days of Truth Day 30: We finish what we started

The prompt for Day 30 of 30 Days of Truth is A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

 Dear Rachael,

This is not easy.  Isn't it always a breeze to talk about the things we DON'T like about ourselves?  But when it comes to complimenting ourselves, or even taking a compliment about ourselves from others, we shy away.  We brush it off, or we respond with 'well, maybe, but...'  No one is perfect, and most people do sell themselves short.  I don't think it's healthy to have an overblown ego and go around tooting your own horn constantly.  But it seems like perhaps we could all use a little bit of positive self-talk once in a while.

You are a good mother.  No one's perfect.  Sure, you snap at your kids sometimes, and the other day you may have cried right along with one of them during that tantrum.  But you love your kids more than almost anything, and when they grow up they'll remember that.  The reason it's hard sometimes is because you care so much - if you didn't, you wouldn't worry.

You are a good writer.  The last few years have not given you much time to work on your writing, but now you're getting back into it.  And you're good at it.  You just have to get into that groove.  You've taken the initiative now to work on your book.  It's not always easy - sometimes you wonder if you will really be able to finish it, and even if you do, if anyone will want to read it.  Even if they don't, it's a dream, and it will help you grow and develop your skills, so embrace it.

You are compassionate.  Yes, it's easy to be selfish.  And, you are.  Sometimes.  You're also full of compassion and love.  You want to help people, and you always come around to finding some way to do that.  Things get derailed or go off track, but you will be able to return to contributing to this world in a positive way.  It's important to give back through volunteering or just supporting people who need it, and you can make the time for it.

You are a good friend.  It's hard to be so far from some of your best friends.  Sometimes, you feel disconnected from them.  It makes you sad.  I think you can count on those friends still being there when you are able to see them, though.  Because you're a good friend.  You're a good listener, and you love your friends like they were sisters. 

You have pretty eyes.

You love books.  I love that you love to read.  I love the knowledge you take in from reading about topics that are new, and getting lost in a good book.  I love that you're passing that love of books and words down to your children.

Now, I can't think of anything else.  And I feel a little silly writing this all down at all.  It seems so weird.  Maybe next time we feel like we can't do anything right, we can try to remember that there is some good in us after all.  This is the end of the 30 Days of Truth.  It only took us a year.  Ha.  We may not always finish things on time, but we finish what we started.

Love,
Rachael

Find the other 29 days here.

30 Days of Truth Day 29: One Day Soon

 The prompt for Day 1 of 30 Days of Truth is something you want to change about yourself.

September and October bring this shortening of days that can drive us slowly mad without us even realizing it.  Then one day, we sit there and realize that we feel a little bit sad.  Sometimes I think I give in to negativity too often.  I let things get me all riled up when maybe I shouldn't, and then it seeps out of me and touches people I love and when I realize it, I just feel worse.  I should try harder to think about how lucky I am to live the life I do.  I've felt so sensitive lately, this summer was really hard in a lot of ways.  The tension of Sam being home all day every day, not having any time to myself, the stress between Justin and I, and the completely overwhelming task of moving to a new place, figuring out new schools and new budgets and kindergarten.  It adds up, and it's made me sensitive.  It's not so hard these days to make me cry.  Then I find myself in my car, crying as I read about Liz, who never got to meet her baby.  And I feel selfish for feeling bad about anything.  Don't I have my health?  Don't I have my husband, and my children?  Don't I have good friends and a roof over my head?  I need to make more of a conscious effort to keep these good things in my thoughts on a more consistent basis.  I want the world to be a better place because I was in it.  I want my kids to remember being happy.  I want to support the people who are important to me, and make sacrifices more gratefully.  I think about luck, and love, and God, and life.  And I want to embrace it, and I don't think I've been trying hard enough.  I think that maybe I need to start going to church more regularly again.  It seems like that always reminds me about compassion and humanity.  It's hard not to be selfish all the time - I think that our brains are wired that way.  Maybe once it was for survival.  I do care about other people, and I think I put my kids before myself.  But I don't think I am trying hard enough when it comes to my husband and being a good wife.  I want him to put in effort, but I need to consider how to make things happen for both of us.  Despite the wind and the wetness in the air, and the grey clouds and shortening days - I think things are looking up.  I have hope that one days soon things will be stable and normal (as normal as they can be at least, what does that even mean?), that we'll manage our finances better and our needs better and we'll learn how to get along with life and be truly happy.

See the other 29 days here.

30 Days of Truth - Days 21-28: Knocking 'Em Out

Okay, there is just NO WAY I can somehow squeeze 8 blog posts out of the next 8 prompts. Let's knock some out, right here, right now.

***

The prompt for Day 21 of 30 Days of Truth is "(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?"

Really? Is this a question? GO. To her. Simple.

***

The prompt for Day 22 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something you wish you hadn't done in your life."

I really, really, wish that I had not give up playing the piano. I started around 6th grade and took lessons well into high school. I got to the point where I was supposed to practice an hour a day, and I quit my lessons. I wish that I'd kept with it, I really loved playing and now I very much want to start again, but I'm going to have to re-learn a lot of stuff.

***

The prompt for Day 23 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something you wish you had done in your life."

I wish that I'd had someone videotape the birth of my first son. Not for anyone else, just for me. I wish I'd realized that I'd be so empowered and want to see it. I didn't know that, nor did I know that the second time around I would plan for a video but there would be no time to make it happen.

***

The prompt for Day 24 of 30 Days of Truth is "Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)"

For my Mom

Return to Pooh Corner - Kenny Loggins
Because I remember having this sung to me, and in my head it is entwined with my childhood.

In China or a Woman's Heart - Kate Wolf
Because you are so beautiful when you play the guitar, and this song is like a hug from you - every time I hear it I feel so at peace.

Rockin' With the Rhythm of the Rain - The Judds
Because it reminds me of rockin' out with you in our living room as a kid.

Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
Because it reminds you of our time in England, and since I know that, it reminds me too.

Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer
Because we played this record and danced, and that's kid of funny.

LOVE.
Rachael

***

The prompt for Day 25 of 30 Days of Truth is "The reason you believe you're still alive today."

Really? WTH kind of question is this? I don't even know. Because I haven't died, and am usually pretty smart.

***

The prompt for Day 26 of 30 Days of Truth is "Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?"

Nope. Never.

***

The prompt for Day 27 of 30 Days of Truth is "What's the best thing going for you right now?"

My family. My amazing sons. My husband. My Mom and my sister. They're everything.

***

The prompt for Day 28 of 30 Days of Truth is "What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?"

Honestly, I don't know. We have 2 kids now, and we're definitely not looking to add to the family - it seems just right the way it is. Additionally, having two kids? Freaking HARD. I don't know how we would handle adding another to the mix. So, instead, we shall be smart and a more permanent solution will be in our near future.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth - Day 20: Tax that Shit

The prompt for Day 20 of 30 Days of Truth is "Your views on drugs and alcohol."

Put simply, I think they're a much smaller deal than people like to make of them. There are people who abuse both. There are also people who abuse credit cards and food. Addiction comes in many destructive forms and the problems is not the thing itself, but the person addicted to it.

All right... so I started typing this serious post about what I think about drugs and alcohol, but now I feel like that's boring and I really don't feel like doing it. So here are my favorite drinks:

Mojito
Mudslide
Malibu & Coke
Lemon Drop
Amaretto Sour

I totally think pot should be legal, and that in many cases it is WAY less dangerous than alcohol.

Also, we could probably pave some roads and buy some books for the library if we taxed that shit.

That's all...

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth - Day 19: The Good Far Outweighs the Bad

The prompt for day 19 of 30 Days of Truth is "What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics." Yes, it's been a while since my last post (or any post for that matter), but I want to knock out the rest of my 30 days!

I have had an interesting religious journey. I became a Christian in my mid-20s, and I spent most of my life trying to figure out how people believed in God. Here's what I believe now...

Religion is personal. Everyone believes what they believe. Even within one church congregation, I believe that each person will have slightly or widely varying ideas about what God is. And THAT IS OKAY!

As far as Christianity goes, I believe there are a lot of people out there who like to proclaim loudly that they're Christians but behave in a very non-Christian way. I wish that more people could understand the difference. In fact, this goes far beyond Christianity. In EVERY religion - Mormonism, Muslim, Christianity, whatever - there are believers and there are EXTREMISTS. They are NOT the same thing. Disliking the actions of an extremist sect should not be grounds for dismissing an entire religion.

I believe that it's okay to talk about your beliefs, absolutely. However, I don't think that trying to FORCE beliefs on people is the way to expose them to them, or make them understand what you believe or how you feel.

I believe that when it comes to religion, we should all focus on the POSITIVE. As in, how do my beliefs guide me to something that will make the world a better place? The basis for my personal belief system lies with Jesus and the lessons he taught about how to treat one another. I hope that in the end I'll be viewed as a good person, and leave the world at least a little better and brighter than it was before I came into it.

I think that religion is a valuable tool, something that brings us together, provides community and a guide for us to remember to be selfless and love each other. Unfortunately, not everyone looks at it that way and it can be used for nefarious purposes. As a whole though, we shouldn't let the small percentage of bad outweigh the mass of good it can (and does) do.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 17: We are all made of corn

The prompt for Day 17 of 30 Days of Truth is "a book you've read that changed your views on something."

I had a hard time deciding what to post for this one. I read a lot. But I don't tend to read books that go against something I already believe. I do read nonfiction, but usually I'm reading about a subject I'm already interested in. While this was definitely the case with "The Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollan, I feel like the book opened my eyes a little bit. I was already interested in sustainability and eating more healthfully.

Here's my review, originally posted in July 2008.

I just finished reading The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan, which marked my 25th book read this year, and the halfway point in my goal to read at least 50 books this year. I have been wanting to read this book for quite some time, and was finally given a little push when it was chosen as the July book for my book club.

Corn

I LOVED this book. Despite that I ended my reading with many more questions than answers and a sense of general uneasiness about the way I eat and feed my family, I am glad I read it. It is much easier to be ignorant of what is really going on with the food and farming industries, but that doesn't mean it's right.

My first shock when reading this book was reading the list of things in the food I eat that are made from corn. I cannot believe how much corn I am eating, especially considering the amount of processed food I eat. It made me think about how much I DON'T think about where my food comes from, or what I've been putting in to my body. This is an issue that's come up in our family recently anyway with Justin being diagnosed with Celiac Disease we've had to really start checking our food and making sure that nothing he eats contains wheat gluten and other things like malt, barley etc. Despite becoming more familiar with our food, it still made me feel a little weird when I found out that 13 out of the 38 ingredients in a McDonalds chichen nugget can be derived from corn. Beyond that beign weird, what are 38 ingredients doing in a nugget anyhow?

Not only that, but knowing how all of the corn I'm ingesting gets processed really made me less excited about eating it. Did you know that it takes 50 gallons of oil to grow 1 acre of corn? No? I bet you also didn't know that after WW2 some munitions plants were switched to making chemical fertilizer, which is made from the same stuff used to make explosives. Which means instead of shooting those bombs off, we're eating them.

Gluttony

This book also gave me a lot of insight into some of the reasons why we are so fat these days. And by WE I mean Americans. I mean, have you ever been to another country? They walk. They exercise. After I spent 3 months in London walking everywhere, and walking FAST, I was in the best shape of my life. In America, they figured out that people felt like gluttons asking for seconds, so instead they just made the portion sizes ginormous. Have you noticed what you get now when you ask for a small at most fast food places? 20 oz? A small used to be 8 oz, Coke used to come in 8 oz cans.

Organic vs. Sustainable

For the past couple of years, I've made much more of an effort to buy organic. I buy Sam organic milk, and I try to buy organic products as often as possible because I figured it was better. What I'm really thinking about now is buying organic vs. buying sustainable. What does organic really mean? In some cases, not much at all. At a chicken plant, the only difference between an organic chicken and a non-organic chicken is that the organic chickens are fed a certified organic corn feed, which probably costs a tiny bit more. Other than that, they're treated the same way as the other chickens. In the same category, you might want to think about what it really means when a chicken is labeled as 'free range'. It means bupkis, that's what. The average lifespan of a chicken in a plant might be around 7 weeks. For the first 5, they're kept inside because organic chickens are so susceptible to disease and infection. For the last 2 weeks they are given a door with access to a grassy strip outside. Guess what? They don't go out. They've already lived five weeks without going outside, why the hell would they go out now? Two weeks later, they're on our plates.

I'm not saying there is no upside to 'organic', there is. The land that grows organic crops isn't spread with chemicals. But the field right next to it, owned by the same company, might be.

Pastoral Farming

My favorite part of the book was the middle section, where Michael went to live at Polyface Farms, a pastoral farm on the East Coast. They grow everything naturally, and the lives of the animals and plants on the farm are so intertwined that you couldn't have one without the others. This section of the book literally made me want to go and live there. Yes it would be hard. I would be working for ten or twelve hours a day doing manual labor. But I would also be healthier, in better shape, well fed, and wouldn't have to worry as much about the kind of damage I'm doing with the food products I choose to buy. The farm is much too much to describe here, but it's an amazing place. Pollan also points out that if the 16 million acres now being used to grow corn to feed cows in the US were converted to this kind of pastoral farm, it would be the equivalent of taking about four million cars off the road. That's a lot of freaking cars.

What Do I Know?

There are several quotes in this book from people eating wild meat, or meat raised on farms like Polyface. They say that it tastes like the chicken they remember from when they were kids, or that it really tastes like chicken. This got me thinking that perhaps I don't even know what REAL meat tastes like. I was talking to Violet about the book and admitted that in a lot of cases, I would rather order something without chicken (like a quesadilla) because the chicken is just... protein. It doesn't taste like anything, it's not particularly tender or juicy or flavorful. It's just an ingredient. It made me wonder how far this extends into my life - have I ever had REAL meat? Pollan also makes an excellent point regarding the price of food - honestly priced, more expensive food (like a dozen eggs from Polyface) versus irresponsibly priced food where the costs to the earth, the costs to the environment, the amount of oil it took to be produced are not considered or factored in to the cost.

So What?

What I've written here is a tiny slice of the pie. This book was so good that I find it hard to sit down and write anything about it without just saying, heck, just go read it! I do recommend it to anyone who is interested in getting the facts about where food comes from. Pollan is very fair and factual in his representations, I was actually very appreciative of the way he talked about vegetarians and showed both sides of the argument without bias. He observed, experienced, and researched, and the outcome is an amazing look into the food we eat in America today.

It's not easy to change your life overnight. It would have been a lot easier not to read this book, to have stayed ignorant and never considered where my meat comes from or the huge cost of industrial farming. This book made me want to think more about what I put into my body. To buy locally and try and support local and sustainable farmers. To go to the farmers market more often. Not everyone can change everything. These products can be more expensive. But every tiny step that you take in the right direction can make a difference. I don't know where this book will take me, but I would like to hope that I'll be able to make some changes in where and how we buy our food that will allow the earth and our family to be a little bit healthier.

To be honest, we have not changed that much since I wrote this (which I cannot believe was three years ago!). I try to buy some local foods, and I love farmer's markets. My sister runs one in Seattle, and works for the Neighborhood Farmer's Market Association, so she brings me great stuff sometimes. When I'm in Seattle, I sometimes visit her markets. Regardless of how we're eating at home right now, I hope that between my sister and I, we will teach our kids a lot about sustainability and how to fuel their bodies.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 18: Let's Get Rid of the Gay in Gay Marriage

The prompt for day 18 of 30 Days of Truth is "Your views on gay marriage." And yes, this is totally out of order because I'm finding myself stuck on day 17. It'll come along in time...

Let's get rid of the gay, because come on. Marriage is marriage. In short, my views on gay marriage are no different than my views on straight marriage. It's awesome. It's not for everyone. But for those who want it? They should be allowed to have it.

Gay Marriage Makes Me Cry
Originally posted July 4, 2008

A special kind of
joy, celebrated at last
brings tears to my eyes

Twenty seven years
finally matrimony
after all this time

Hateful signs are there
but overshadowed by the
signs of love, support

Hateful thoughts exist
but can't compete with kisses
hugs between couples

Families smile
Bride loves bride and groom loves groom
Children's parents wed

You deserve this joy
All people should have the right
To wed who they choose

I can't wait until
This scene repeats in my town-
Congratulations!

Photo Credits:
1. Hamming with the Family Planning Guide, 2. SF Gay Marriages June 16 & 17, 08, 3. SF Gay Marriages June 16 & 17, 08, 4. sf city hall gay marriage equality 6.16 (36), 5. sf city hall gay marriage equality 6.16 (20), 6. SF City Hall After the Legalization of Gay Marriages, 7. sf city hall gay marriage equality 6.16 (48), 8. Marriage-004, 9. Appreciation, 10. Together for 27 years..., 11. same-sex marriage san francisco, 12. Marriage-004B

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Days 13-16: Four birds, one stone

The prompt for Day 13 of 30 Days of Truth is "A letter to a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days."

No. Just no. I'm not doing this. I really like Sarah McLachlan, and she makes me feel things, her music really means something to me. But I don't really credit her with getting me through anything. Because I am 30 and not 15, I don't think I can really answer this.

The prompt for Day 14 of 30 Days of Truth is "A letter to a hero that has let you down."

I honestly would not know what to write here. I am sure at some point I have had a hero that's let me down. Maybe. But I really don't know who, or what they did. Sorry Charlies. I'm just not that jaded.

The prompt for Day 15 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it."

Huh. The only thing I've tried living without that I can't give up is certain types of food. Which, like I've said before, is why Weight Watchers is so great. Because I don't have to give anything up, I just have to limit myself. I can't think of anything else I've actually HAD to live without, so instead here are 13 things I wouldn't want to live without. Because, really, the only things I COULDN'T live without are like air, water and food, right?

1. My family - my husband, my kids, my sisters, my Mom etc.
2. Samoas
3. A notebook to write my lists in
4. TV
5. Books
6. My Clarks clogs
7. The Internet
8. Indoor plumbing
9. My camera
10. Yoga pants
11. My best friends
12. Cheese
13. Toenail polish in summer
    

The prompt for Day 16 of 30 Days of Truth is "Someone or something you definitely could live without."

1. Ever seeing anyone with camel toe
2. My cat's incessant meowing when he wants something, which I think is usually something imaginary, because nothing I do makes it stop
3. The stench of Danny's formula
4. Fatness
5. Commercials for sanitary products, erectile dysfunction drugs, hemorrhoid cream, and catheters
6. Black licorice
7. Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, George W. Bush, and the Governer of Wisconsin. No, I will not Google his name because he sucks.
8. Gas prices
9. People who like to think that stay at home moms are lazy/don't work
10. Clutter
11. When one of my kids starts screeching, then the other one joins in because the first one is too loud
12. The Real Housewives of ANYWHERE

For the other 29 days, click here.

For more Thursday 13 posts, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 12: I NEVER get compliments on...

The prompt for Day 12 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something you never get compliments on."

You know, this meme is sort of fun. Except there are some days that you can tell were written by a teenager. What the hell is this? Is this where I'm supposed to fish for compliments? Or am I supposed to list things I don't get complimented on because they suck? I don't get it.

Here is a list of 20 things I never get compliments on.

1. My spleen
2. My kneecaps
3. My juggling skills (they don't exist)
4. My keen sense of distance (it's not)
5. My appendix
6. The fact that I still have my tonsils
7. The way I smell after 3 days without a shower
8. My list-making neurosis
9. My hamstrings
10. This one big mole on my back
11. My cellulite
12. These really ugly pink sweatpants I wear around the house that have two small holes in the butt from when I used them as a unicorn Halloween costume and tied a purple and white feather boa on for a tail.
13. My chapped lips
14. The bags under my eyes
15. The way I drive (it's average)
16. The money I make (um.... yeah... this doesn't pay)
17. My strict, disciplinarian skills with my children
18. My resistance to Girl Scout Cookies (hahaha)
19. My score on the SATS (it was 1280)
20. My hairy big toes (hobbit!)

See the other 29 days here.

30 Days of Truth Day 11: The Write Stuff

The prompt for Day 11 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something people seem to compliment you the most on."

Doesn't it feel weird to write about something people compliment you on? We really should be allowed to toot our own horns once in a while, but humility is such a virtue, right? In any case, one thing that people have complimented me on is my writing. I LOVE to write. I have since I was young. It's evolved over time. I started writing in a journal in 5th grade, and by the time I was 20 I'd filled about 25 blank books with writing. Everything from crushes, to letters that could never be sent, to poetry, to what I was up to at that time in my life to free writing. As a teenager, I wrote a lot of poetry. I have an enormous binder full, and every once in a while I share a little bit of it here. I wrote some short stories, which I haven't shared here, but perhaps I should. I know none of them are DONE done, but they may still be good enough to entertain SOMEONE out there. I wrote for my high school newspaper for three years, and at one point wanted to become a journalist. I have started a novel I'd love to finish one day. I wrote a column for a local paper a few times when I was 17 or so.

Now, this is where my writing lives. Even if no one read it, I'd still write here. Because it's in my blood, and I love it. I also do some ghostwriting online, which is wonderful and lets me use a part of my brain that parenting and housewifery doesn't. I would write if no one was reading, but when people tell me I am a good writer? It certainly feels amazing!

Here's one of my old poems for you. I originally wrote it in London in 1999, then revised it for a poetry class I took in college a couple of years later.

South Ken

I walk, surrounded
by the sounds of buskers,
the sight of husks full of people
sleeping bag cocoons of bodies.

These sights, sounds and feelings
send me reeling with awe,
the shock of a flaw in such a magical city
overflows my mind.

Voices pull me back, flush
with the rush of normal people bustling,
by, accustomed to hustling by and ignoring
“Homeless and Hungry – Please can you help?”

Imagine living
a life dependent on the giving of strangers
facing the dangers of cold and sickness
with only a sleeping bag and cardboard sign.

Playing a flute
in a putrid underground tunnel
people funneling by with glassy, uncaring eyes
thinking ‘maybe if I had smaller change’.

I pause before wood,
tiny statues laid on blankets, and should I buy
a polished lion or butterfly just to feel better?
I don’t meet his eyes.

And we walk
surrounded by din, talk winding around us like a snake
I can’t seem to shake off this white noise
wondering why
we never stop to wonder why.

Read the other 29 Days here.

30 Days of Truth Day 10: I could do without

The prompt for Day 10 of 30 Days of Truth is "Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know."

This is a hard one. I don't really feel that there is anyone in my life I need to let go of. No one is causing me pain or hardship because I have a bad relationship with them. I'm sure that there have been times in my life when there were people I needed to let go of. One of the things I've learned over the years is that I need to let go of expecting every friendship to be exactly reciprocal, or exactly the same. I have friends I see only once a year who I still consider some of my best.

All seriousness aside, I could definitely do without this guy.

And this guy.

And DEFINITELY this guy.


SCARY!

See the other 29 days here.

30 Days of Truth Day 9: What We Were

The prompt for Day 9 of 30 Days of Truth is "Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted."

We met and became instant friends. We played in the woods, making up complicated new lives and personalities that were ours alone. I admired the toe shoes that hung in your bedroom. We would eat rye toast with butter as an after school snack, there were not many sweets in your house. We picked blackberries and sung duets.

We once laughed ourselves to tears in the back of the classroom when I asked "what do they call a trombone player anyways, a tromboner?" You probably didn't know that I was in love with you. We went on a date once, at least it was to me. You probably didn't know that afterwards, I dedicated a song to you on the radio. I cried the night of high school graduation at the thought that I would probably never see you again.

We watched Remington Steele and Mission Impossible and ate egg sandwiches on our lunch break. My first job was with you. We danced under a streetlight at midnight as fluffy snowflakes piled up around us. We would ride the bus to the mall and watch movies on the weekends. I was with you when I dyed my hair for the first time.

We worked so well as a team, the highs were high and the lows were really painful. We would laugh until our mouths were frozen in silent guffaws, and more than once I'm sure I cried over fights we had. You refused to talk about what music you liked because people take their music too personally. Once you hung an awful poster with a photos of a fig that looked like genitalia because you knew I hate most Georgia O'Keefe paintings. We got drunk one night after work with our friends, and leaned on each other as we walked to the car. In the back seat, we held hands.

We used to walk to the comic book store on weekends. Once we each ate an entire tub of Ben & Jerry's while we watched the original La Femme Nikita. I tried pot for the first time with you. I was always jealous of your boyfriends, and at one point I developed a big crush on your brother.

We talked online every day for over a year, back when AOL was new and cool. You knew me better than anyone else in my life. I was either stupid or in denial not to know how much you liked me. Our friendship didn't translate to real life. I wish I'd tried harder.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 8: White Pants Porsche Jerk

The prompt for Day 8 of 30 Days of Truth is "Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit."

I pulled into the parking lot at Shari's, swinging into a spot next to a small silver Porsche. I glanced over and saw that the guy in the drivers seat was talking on his bluetooth. He wore a buttoned up shirt and had styled hair.

As I got out of my car, my door tapped his car.

He got out of his car. Now imagine the most condescending voice you have ever heard.

"Did you just hit my car?!"

Incredulous and entitled. I remember he was wearing white pants, and really that was a bad sign because what kind of jerk-ass wears WHITE SLACKS outside of the Hamptons?

"I'm not sure..."

"You just hit my car!"

His exact words stuck in my head for a long time. Now they've faded, but I still feel prickly when I think about it.

I remember his exact tone of voice as he told me that I should be more careful. I can clearly recall the absolute contempt in his voice when he told me without saying it outright how stupid I was. I remember how small I felt, and how well he sent me the message that I was a stupid kid and he was obviously completely above me.

Who talks to another person that way? I understand having a nice car and caring about it. But we're talking about a mark - not even a scratch - that was barely visible to the naked eye, and could have been taken care of for less than $10 bucks with something from Schuck's. I offered to pay for it of course, but he obviously pitied me and my stupidity too much to take anything from me, and got back in his car and drove away.

My face was burning, and I had to hold back tears of embarrassment, shame, and general awful feelings for my entire meal.

This happened a couple of years ago. I think maybe Sam was with me, but I can't really remember. I do remember how utterly worthless this guy made me feel. I remember how much I wished I could disappear.

See the other 29 days here.

30 Days of Truth Day 6: Let the truth be true

The prompt for Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth is 'Something you hope you never have to do.' Of course there are some very obvious answers to this question. Many people have written about hoping they never have to go through the soul-wrenching pain of losing a child, and I'll tell you - I'm absolutely right there with him. I also hope I don't have to go through the sudden and unexpected loss of my husband, sister or best friend. I hope I never have to feel the abject horror of having my children be abused, or the powerlessness of sexual assault.

So, I'm gonna skip over those ones. For many people, those go without saying. Recently, I saw this preview for the new Liam Neeson movie "Unknown":



And I realized that there is something else that is terrifying to me. Having the entire world think you're crazy when you know you're not. I would imagine that for some people with mental illnesses, that is what it feels like. I hope that never happens to me. I can't imagine the pain and frustration and utter hopelessness of knowing something to be true, but having everyone and everything refute it. It makes me shudder.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 7: Happy Birthday Kira!

The prompt for Day 7 of 30 Days of Truth is 'someone who has made your life worth living for.' Which I think is bad grammar. But that's okay because I'm pretty sure that these prompts were originally written by a 13 year old on Facebook or something because some of them are pretty melodramatic. Also you may have noticed I haven't written Day 6 yet. I'm takin' liberties and doing 7 before 6. You'll see why in a minute.

There are so many people I could write about for this post, but it just so happens that it's my sister's birthday today. Kira is turning 28 this year, and she is one of my favorite people, and for sure one that makes my life worth living.



When we were kids, I was jealous of her. Well, not just as kids, even through high school. I thought she was smarter than me, and better at almost everything - sports, art, writing, school. My Mom told me that she was so smart because when I was younger, I would come home from school and teach her everything I'd learned.

We're two years apart, close enough in age that we could share friends, but far enough that we had our own lives. We were three grades apart in school, so after 6th grade we weren't in the same school again until I was a senior and she was a freshman. When I was 18 I went to England to study abroad for three months, and realized on the way there that I had never been apart from her for more than 4 or 5 days in my entire life.

This is one of my favorite pictures of us, from my wedding. She was my maid of honor.



She was there when Sam was born, and if she has kids and I get to be there, I will certainly not look as composed as she does in this photo from after Sam was born. I will be a sniveling pile of mess.



She didn't make it for Danny's birth since NO ONE did. But she was here an hour after, and I love this picture of my kids with their Aunt the next morning.



I guess it might be true that I'm biased, but Kira is going to be that cool Aunt that everyone wishes they had. Not only is she a great sister, she is just a wonderful person all around. She is caring and thoughtful, and aware of the world around her and how we live in it.

She became a vegetarian in 3rd grade after she made a poster as a book project for "Charlotte's Web." It said "Save the Pigs" and for each letter, she wrote about why you should not eat pigs or should save them. Then my stepdad said "If you think that, why do YOU eat them?" He was totally goading her on, but she said "Well, maybe I won't!" And that was that. She morphed over the years into a vegan and now has started eating meats and cheeses again with more of a focus on local foods. She works for the Neighborhood Farmers Market Alliance and Growing Washington. Because of her, I definitely think more about food - where it comes from, how I eat it, and what I feed my kids.

Even though we're both adults now, she's still my little sister. Sometimes I am shocked when I realize that she has a real job, makes a salary, and does so much for so many people.

In terms of family and family-in-law, I have been truly blessed. I love hearing her stories, and can't wait to see what she does next. I love that my kids are going to get to grow up with someone so awesome as an Aunt who will teach them things I wouldn't have thought of.



So, today, Happy Birthday to my little sister, who most definitely makes my life worth living.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 5: Don't call it a bucket list

The prompt for Day 5 of 30 Days of Truth is 'Something you hope to do in life.'

I guess there are two approaches to today's prompt. One is to create a bucket list of sorts. By the way, I hate the term 'bucket list'. It's just irritating. The other is to choose one thing that would fulfill me in some way and write about that.

Inspired by Audrey, Diane, and others, I was actually planning to do a "40 by 40" list of things I wanted to do in the next decade. Of course when I sit down and try to write it, I can never fill the entire list. So, this seems like the perfect opportunity to share what I've come up with so far.

1. Attend BlogHer (hopefully more than once)
2. Get & learn to use a DSLR camera
3. Sell some of my photos
4. Win a prize for a photo I've taken
5. Run a 1/2 marathon
6. Attend Bloggy Bootcamp (hopefully more than once)
7. Meet Audrey
8. Meet Kori
9. Take a week long trip somewhere by myself
10. Take a week long trip somewhere with Justin
    
11. Own a new car that I picked out
12. Take Spanish classes with Justin
13. Weigh 160 pounds
14. Maintain my new weight
15. Get boudoir photos taken
16. Re-learn how to play the piano
17. Learn to make my own bread
18. Grow my own vegetables
19. Learn to bake cookies without a recipe
20. Take another road trip with Justin one summer (sans kiddos)

I also have a short list of things I want to do in life, but that may or may not begin/end in the next 10 years.

1. Own a horse
2. Take horseback riding lessons
3. Get a puppy and train it into a well behaved dog
4. Bake a perfect souffle
5. Have a novel published
6. Travel to Italy with Justin
7. Travel to London with Justin
8. Visit Australia
9. Make a quilt
10. Visit a volcano & see flowing lava
11. Take a mother-daughter trip with my Mom & sister abroad
12. Visit all 50 states
13. Help my sons study abroad sometime during college
14. Buy my Mom a star sapphire
15. Sing a duet with my Mom at my sister's wedding

I'm sure there will be more, part of the fun is adding to the list as you complete things, right? What's one thing you really want to do in the next 10 years? In life?

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 4: All is Forgiven

The writing prompt for Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth is 'Something you have to forgive someone for.'

Forgiveness is a funny thing. A lot of people think that forgiving someone is a gift you give that person. That the reason you forgive someone is to make them feel better. But that is not what forgiveness does.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It allows us to release ourselves from things we are carrying around with us - anger, shame, sadness. It allows us to leave the past behind us, to lighten our load and move on to the future. It can be an amazingly powerful thing, and the best part is that we are taking our power back into ourselves from someone or something that has happened.

I'm lucky. I haven't had a lot of big things in my life that I've had to forgive. There have been small things, but I haven't had to struggle all that much. The biggest happened a couple of years ago, so the rest of this will be a re-post of something I wrote in January of 2009.

*****

Planting a Seed
Originally published January 9, 2009

Today, I plant a
seed - a new beginning to
nurture and to grow

The journey is not
through, but this leg has to end
it's time to move on

I have no map, and
do not know where the new road
will lead me from here

But I see a light
and I know that it leads to
a better place, love

It came to me on a random afternoon.

Days before, I'd received a reminder of your love.

Weeks before, I'd received a reminder that you were nothing more than a human being.

It came to me so clearly that I immediately recognized it as truth.

I have to forgive you.

You have caused me pain.

You have caused much more pain to others that I love.

I don't agree with your actions, but I can't base our entire relationship around this past.

I wish you had not done some of the things you did.

But they happened. Nothing can be done.

I need to forgive you.

I don't want to spend my time and energy on anger. I don't want to spend my life trying to make sense of this - it doesn't make any sense to me. Your actions don't fit into my patterns of thinking.

I won't defend you.

I won't pretend that the things you have done didn't hurt people.

I won't pretend that it's okay.

But I will move on.

I will move into experiencing the future as something else.

A new relationship will be formed. Ideas and preconceptions thrown out the window will pass by the wayside, and something else will take their place.

I have to forgive you because I don't want you to be alone.

Some loves really ARE unconditional. I accept my love, and realize that I should spend my energy cultivating that.

So, I'm done. I'm not going to be angry anymore. Instead, I will try to be supportive of everyone I love, separate from each other.

I will love everyone for their good qualities, and I will try to help them with the bad, if they want my help.

I will provide support in any way I can, and in the areas I can't, I will wait patiently until my help is wanted or needed. Even if the time never comes.

So, this is it.

I forgive you.

For the other 29 Days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 3: Shame, Regret & Forgiveness

The prompt for Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth is something you have to forgive yourself for.

"There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today."

"Rent" - Jonathan Larson

I really try to live my life without regrets. There are certainly those moments that everyone has - excruciatingly embarrassing or painful moments that I kind of wish had never happened. We all have events in our lives that still make our stomachs turn when we think about them. But none of those moments in my life have been life-changers. They're painful and they sucked, but if they'd been different I don't think it would really have effected the overall course of who I am.

As for the bigger things, I just find it hard to regret them. See, if those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am today. Maybe that's a cliche, but it's also totally true. The things I've gone through and the decisions I've made have led me to the place I am today, and for the most part that is a wonderful place. I also think that making a choice to spend my time regretting and dwelling on things that I've done in the past that I can't change is a big waste. I have a lot going on right now, and I'd rather concentrate on the things I have and the good things than spend my time on things that are completely out of my control.

I have to admit, I have been thinking about what I'd write for this prompt for over a week. I don't feel that there is much in my life that I've had to forgive myself for, and I guess I'm kind of lucky that way. I hope that this means that I'm doing a good job, and I know that it means that I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people and a lot of love during my lifetime so far.

There is one thing though. And it's a big one.

I know I wrote about my weight on Day 1, but it's something that is really on the forefront of my mind right now. I'm really struggling. I joined Weight Watchers again about 2 months ago, and for the past month I've been WAY off my game. I've gained back any weight I lost in the first four weeks, and I'm back at 222 lbs as of this morning. I am ashamed. I am angry at myself for being an asshole to myself and not sticking to it. I am a maddening 5 pounds away from having lost 50 pounds. And I'm not even close to being done - my end goal weight is 155, but honestly if I got even down to 180 I'd be ecstatic.

I wish I could adequately describe how much I hate the fact that I'm fat. That I LET myself get so fat. How did I possibly let myself get so close to 300 pounds?! How could I have treated myself so badly that I just ate myself into being completely obese? And how come I am not motivated enough to get back on track now?

The last few days, I've been irritable and lethargic. I can't stand it. I have been eating shit and not exercising and not counting points. I haven't been going to meetings. I was so excited when I was getting back on track with cooking and Weight Watchers, and I've just let it all slide away. I still know it's possible, but I've been taking the easy way.

For me, eating is not just a food issue. It's emotional. It's ingrained. Something in my brain is wired so that I just want to eat all the time. I want to eat sweets and carbs and nachos and pizza and candy. When I'm sad, I want to eat. When I'm happy, I want to celebrate by rewarding myself with food. When I'm stressed, I find comfort in food. I like cheese and sugar and icing and cake and cinnamon buns and bacon.

I know that I've worked hard. I lost almost 50 pounds last year, and it was not easy. I did it on my own - there were no prepackaged meals, no pills, no potions, no gimmicks, no surgery. It was just me. I don't give myself enough credit for it.

That's what I need to forgive. I need to forget about the fact that I got here in the first place, give myself credit for digging partway out of this hole, and get back on track. I need to let it go that I've sucked for the past month and put it behind me and get back on track. It is the difference between health and obesity. It is the difference between being happy and energetic or lethargic and depressed.

It's just so much easier said than done.

For the other 29 days, click here.

30 Days of Truth Day 2: My Heart Bursts as My Blessings Abound

The prompt for Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth is to write about something you love about yourself.

Last night I read Loralee's post about Jill. She was asking for support for another mother, and I can see where her heart is. I have done the same from my readers at times.

This morning I held my 5 month old baby in my arms. I pressed my cheek to his warm, soft head and felt his

When I changed his diaper, I gently squeezed his fat thighs. I tickled his face with the corner of his burp cloth.

I listened to his chirps and goos and gas and talked and smiled with him. I watched his face light up when his 4 year old brother came into view.

My blessings abound.

I have never sat for 1 day in a hospital with my child, let alone spent 51 days next to him wondering if he would be there the next morning.

I have never felt the pain of considering a 24 inch casket.

I have never watched doctors try to revive my child, never seen my child with tubes coming from his nose and mouth, with wires attached to his chest.

I have never experienced the absolute agony that is the loss of my child, the death of a piece of my heart.

I have never had to cope with that while at the same time being attacked and blamed for causing the death of my child.

As I sit here now in front of my computer, I am near tears. My heart breaks and bursts. But I am so incredibly thankful for the feelings I am having right now.

I have a big heart. I read blogs, and I feel connected. I share in the pride when other mothers celebrate a triumph in a difficult area. I understand how hard it is when another woman steps on the scale and things have not gone as planned. I feel the frustration when people choose to be negative and mean instead of focusing on the positive. I feel a tiny fragment of the pain when someone's child is lost.

My capacity for love and caring for other people does not always make things easy. I have shared with you before about the way my past haunts me. The days I've spent all day thinking and praying for people who need it. The tears that I've cried for other mothers and families that I've never even met.

In these moments, I have seen God at work. I have seen the good in people and been reminded that it is so much more rewarding to have a big heart, to choose to lift people up and care. And I have been reminded, time and time again, how lucky I am.

Despite moments of discomfort, my ability to empathize, the way I throw myself wholeheartedly into letting myself care for other people in the world? This is something I absolutely love about myself. Because of this heart I carry in my chest, I am able to try and do good in the world. I see the light that can shine from inside, that can be passed from one person to another. I feel the warmth that can be created when people step up and say "We are human. We are one. We support one another."

Recently, I wrote about a dream I'd had that was incredibly intense and stuck with me all day. On that post, my Mom left this comment:

"That's the conundrum, isn't it? I believe it is impossible to lift others without putting your whole heart into it. The hard part is that it makes you vulnerable. If you know in your heart that you have helped someone in their life, then sometimes that has to be enough. In my experience, people get busy and the days go by fast. They mostly attend to what's directly in front of them and not much else. You're a really loving and sensitive person who has a drive to be of help to others. You put that energy into the world and it helps balance things toward the good side. Would you give that part of yourself up if it meant never being hurt by the obliviousness or insensitivity of others? I don't think you would or should. "

Although sometimes it causes me pain, my capacity for love, empathy & caring - my bursting heart - is something I would never give up.

For the other 29 days, click here.



The image above is a beautiful painting called Bursting Heart by Shirley Miller Lee, which I found at John Lee's website.

30 Days of Truth Day 1: Not Trying Hard Enough

The prompt for Day 1 of 30 Days of Truth is something you hate about yourself.

Let's get one thing straight here. HATE is a very strong word, and I can say with conviction there is nothing I hate about myself. I save my hatred for things like George W. Bush's presidency, truck nuts, and black licorice. So, let's tone it down a little.

Everyone has things they don't like about themselves. If we're lucky, we find ways to change and grow and make ourselves a little bit happier. I don't like that I give in to my son too much. I don't like that I sometimes let snide remarks pass my lips instead of just letting them slide. I wish I was more motivated to keep my house cleaner without the push of having people come over. I'd like to be more responsible with money and stick to a budget better.

But the thing I like least about myself? It's inside me, and it's something only I can change. If you've been around a while, you know that I started Weight Watchers in February 2009. I lost 30 pounds before I got pregnant, and ended up almost 50 pounds lighter. I started Weight Watchers again 8 weeks ago, and I'm STUCK. I haven't been gaining weight, but I haven't been losing either.

I'm so frustrated, because I know it's all my own fault. I haven't been sticking to my points as well as I should have. Even on the days I do, I haven't been exercising. I don't like it that I KNOW I can do this, but something is blocking me. Something inside me is not motivating me to really GET on this and STICK to it. I need to start working out again and cooking meals, sticking to our meal calendar and keeping healthy snacks in the house. I'm the only one who can do this, I'm the only one who can make it work. And I'm not trying hard enough. Right now, that's what I don't like.

For my other 29 days, click here.