Thankful Day 24: Lifelong Friends (Suman)

I am thankful for lifelong friends.  I got to have coffee with my friend Suman today.  We have been friends since 9th grade (holy shit, that's going on 20 years, AGH!), and in the last few years we've only seen each other about once a year, but we always manage at least that.  When we meet for coffee or drinks it's like no time has passed, and I am so thankful for this kind of friendship - the kind that feels like it will always be there, no matter how long it's been since you talked, and where the other person knows you from when you were young and you grew into adults together.  Sorry, I'm sap-tastic right now apparently.  Seriously though, it's awesome, and I had a great time catching up.  We always say we'll do it more often or sooner, and hopefully we will, but even if we don't, I will still know that my friend is out there if I need her.

NaBloPoMo Day 23: Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's my birthday.  If you'd sat down with me five years ago and told me that this is what my life would be like on my 33rd birthday, I definitely would not have believed you.  But here I am.

I'm not one of those people who worries about getting older.  In fact, if you ask my best friend, she'll tell you how weird I am because I basically spent the last half of my twenties waiting to turn 30.  I just wanted to be out of my twenties.  All of my friends who were at the same stage of life as me were 5 years older, and I felt like when people found out how old I was they just thought of me as young, and I didn't really want to be anymore.  Now that I'm in my thirties, sometimes I have to think about it when people ask how old I am because I just know I'm thirty something!

I like it here.  I don't think I'll ever be at an age again where I don't like it.  I don't mind growing older, and I'm not one of those people that will 'turn 29' repeatedly or hide my age.  I look at my mother, who is now 54, and she is beautiful and young and one of my best friends.  Why WOULDN'T I want to be in my fifties someday?  Grey hair and wrinkles tell the story of who we are, and what made us into the person we will become.

I am in Seattle for the weekend, celebrating with friends as I do every year.  We go out to dinner and usually a movie (Catching Fire, here I come!!!) and I spend time with some of my favorite people.  This weekend is something I look forward to all year, and it's special to me.  Then, this week, we will take the long drive over the mountains to Colville to spend Thanksgiving on the farm with Brent, Kira, and Nora as well as my Dad and little sis Lianna who are visiting from the East Coast.  I can't wait, I haven't seen them in nearly two years.  My Mom and Paul will also be there, and I can't wait to relax and just be surrounded by my family.  Oh, and for my Mom's pecan pie.

The last couple of years have been really, really hard in so many aspects, some of which I've written about, and a lot of which I haven't.  They are still hard.  I'm going to counseling now, and I love the woman I'm seeing, and I'm confident that next year will finally be the year that things start to REALLY get better for me and my family.  I'm excited for that, and I really hope that by next birthday when I turn 34, I will be in a different place than I am now.

For now, it's enough to be surrounded this week and weekend by some of the most important people in my life, and to celebrate that they are a part of it.

Thankful Day 23: Tara

I am thankful for my friend Tara. I met her a little over 10 years ago through our mutual (awesome) friend Brooke, and shortly after that she founded the book club I've been in for the past 10 years. When I started having dinner with one of Brooke's other friends, then joined that club, I could never have imagined the love, support, and kindness that would be brought into my life. Tara's birthday is November 25, so I've made it a tradition to go down to Seattle for the weekend for my birthday and plan a birthday dinner to celebrate. I look forward to it for the whole year, and it's one of my favorite nights, spending time with my friends and celebrating one of the funnest, nicest women I know. Here's to you, and happy early birthday!

Thankful Day 18: Acts of Kindness

I am thankful for random acts of kindness, today especially the hot cup of coffee on the way to work on a cold, rainy day courtesy of Leah who pretty much always makes me smile.  Cheers to Facebook for random friendship and connections, and to the little things that make my days.

NaBloPoMo Day 11: A Short One

I am SO tired today!  I went to Book Club yesterday and it was awesome.  I really needed it this month, and we had a good discussion about the book, which was my pick, so that was cool.  I ended up staying and visiting with my best friend and going to a movie.  I thought, hey, why not, it will get out a little after 11, not TOO late, if I got home by like 12:15 I'd be okay for work.  Except after the movie, we ended up talking forever, and I didn't get home until 2 AM.  And when I got home, the power was out, and I ended up talking to Justin for a little while, so I probably didn't really fall asleep until around 2:45 maybe?  And got up at 7.  Not enough sleep for me!  I was planning to use the writing prompt for today, but Sam is sick and just came out of his room - he's been in there for half an hour and I thought he was asleep, but he's not and he has a fever and wants to lie with Mom, so I've got to close the laptop and cuddle my sick kid.  More tomorrow!

NaBloPoMo/Thankful Day 10: Book Club

Book club in Bellingham!

I am beyond thankful for my book club.

We have been meeting for almost 10 years.  In that time, we have seen many pregnancies and births, we have seen deaths, we have seen injuries and illnesses, hard times, times to celebrate, and everything in between.  We have read 100 books together.  We meet once a month, alternating between the homes of our members.  We talk about the books we read, then we move on to talking about how we are doing.  A large part of the focus will often land one or two specific ladies each month - those of us who are most needing to reach out and find support or guidance.  Some months it's 3 hours, other months we are together for closer to 5 or 6 and all find ourselves surprised at how late it is.

Christmas potluck & gift exchange 2011

We are a diverse group of women, several stay at home moms, a couple of working moms, one with no kiddos.  We all know each other in different ways, and the common link for most of us was the woman who started the club.  We come from different walks of life, and different backgrounds, and have different views on many issues.

Once a month, we gather.  We laugh together, eat together, drink together, sometimes cry together, and it's always a time that rejuvenates my soul.  We celebrate birthdays together with nights out several times a year, and most years we take a weekend trip to a beach house or somewhere fun with our kids.  Last year I am pretty sure we had 20+ kids and 6 adults in one house.  It was awesome.  We have had grown up sleepovers, and next year we'll be going to Suncadia for a weekend to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.

Me and Tara, who started the book club

I cannot imagine my life without these women.  They are some of my best friends in the world, and going to book club is always a highlight of my month.  These women have supported me through the hardest times in my life, and I know they will always be there for me.  When I sat in that room 10 years ago and met some of these women for the first time, I never imagined what this group would become, and how large a part of my life it would be.  I couldn't have.  This is my tribe.  And I feel so, so blessed.

NaBloPoMo/Thankful Day 8: Facebook (Yes, Really)

Today I am thankful for Facebook.  Yes, it's true, there is a tendency to get sucked in and it can be a place to waste hours every day if you're not careful.  Sometimes I get annoyed at what I see there because there is so much tendency for untrue or ignorant things to be spread.  On the other hand, you do control your own friend list and activity so if it's bugging you too much, you can just make a change.  In the end, for me, the benefits far outweigh the bad stuff.

There's a reason this came up with me today.  If it wasn't for Facebook, I might never have seen this beautiful photo of my stepmom and little sister, Lianna, who live in New Jersey.  Up until 3 years ago, I used to get to see them 2-4 times a year.  Sam loves Lianna, and I loved going back east to visit because even though I only lived there when I was small I have a lot of family in the Philadelphia area and part of my heart is left there.  Then, life happened.  Neither my little family here or my stepmom are in a position to afford plane tickets anymore, especially with the prices that have gone up so much since last time we flew there!  Danny's over 2 now and needs his own seat, which means at least 3 seats, 4 if Justin went, and it's just too much.  I get to see photos of Lianna's life, and share photos of the boys with both of them easily, and today when I saw this picture, I was filled with love.

On Facebook, I get to see photos of my little, wonderful niece Nora.  They live about 7 hours from us, though they travel to Seattle often (at least 1-2 weekends per month), and I don't get to see them as much as I'd like.  I wish their
farm was in Whatcom County and we could spend our weekends there letting the kids play and run outside.  But, it's not.  My sister's not a big technology person, but she DOES run the Facebook page for their business, Olsen Farms.  And Nora has become somewhat of a little mascot for them!  They are such a family company, how could you resist buying meat and potatoes from them?  And shoulder bacon.  It's SO DELICIOUS.  And because Facebook is relevant in marketing, I get to see photos like this one of Nora and Brent on Halloween that I would never have otherwise seen.

I have gotten back in touch with my best friend from fourth and fifth grade who lives back in Michigan, and I absolutely love seeing her updates and pictures of her kids.  We had a special bond, and I love that we can be friends again.  I get to see photos of my Grandmother who has Alzheimers, and who realistically with our financial situation, I can't say for sure if I'll ever get to see her again in person because my Aunt shares the photos.

I have built communities there too that I just wouldn't be able to participate in "in real life".  With working full time and my commute and having 2 kids and errands and teaching classes, and not much money, I can't attend blog conferences, or birth related workshops, or chat with other parents at the park after school anymore.

Through my blogging, and connecting with other bloggers whose blogs I read, I have made friends on Facebook that I never would have gotten to know in real life.  I don't always talk to them a ton, but they make me really happy.  One of them is in Bellingham, and we have actually met and she helped me out with some issues I was having with my template on the Born in Bellingham site.

I have my wonderful communities related to birth, and have been able to get familiar with people in my local birth community as well as having a wonderful community of Birth Boot Camp instructors and board members who I communicate with and learn from on a daily basis.  They are there for education, for support, and for celebrating our students with others who understand the passion for teaching this curriculum.  Bellingham has its own birth community and I have gotten to know people through Facebook and our local professionals group and made connections that I couldn't have made without this networking tool.  I have worked with some people promoting my class, supporting our clients or students, and working in the community.

I also have my parenting groups and local mom, wife, and women's groups.  One of the things I miss most about being a stay at home mom is connecting and chatting with the other parents after school at the playground when the kids got off the bus, played, and ran around, and we got to talk.  No, Facebook doesn't replace this.  I still miss those moms and being part of my physical community near our home.  But it's 100x better than no support or commiseration at all.  I can get advice, I can help others with what I know, and some of it has lead to real life friends.  Friends like my my co-worker Kali who works with me because I went out on a limb and gave her info to my boss when she needed an internship, and like the women in my wife/marriage support small group that meet every month or two to support each other and help however we can.

It's pretty amazing sometimes.

NaBloPoMo Day 7: What's In a Name?

Well, I'm phoning it in a little bit today and using the writing prompt from BlogHer, and it's not a very deep one.  BUT it's day 7, which means I have made it through the first week and not failed yet!  So that's awesome.  I'm pretty excited at the thought of actually making it through the month, but I am also struggling with finding the right time of day to write my posts.  The last couple of days I've done it after the kids go to bed - way after in some cases - and then I am tired and have trouble thinking or being inspired.  If I could do it in between getting home and bedtime, while they are eating, that would work better!  I'm also going to try to do some brainstorming and outlining this weekend so I have some starts and ideas for days when I don't have immediate thoughts that come to mind.  Anyhow, here is the prompt:

If you had to switch your first name, what name would you choose and why?

Ah, the name change!  When I was younger, I couldn't wait to get married and change me last name.  It was never a question to me whether I would, and I loved doing it.  I've never thought of changing my first name, but if I changed it, I know what I'd choose:  Abigail.  That was the name that Justin and I picked out if we had a daughter, and it's just about my favorite girl name.  I might go by Abby, or I might go by Abigail.  There is just something special about it to me.

There is also an interesting story about this name (see, writing prompts work!).  When I was in 4th and 5th grade I had a best friend named Rachele Davison.  Yes, we were both Rachael D, just different spellings of the first name.  We were so close, and did everything together.  After we moved to Washington after 5th grade we wrote letters to each other and she even flew out to visit once!  I remember when she was here we baked a cake and put a disgusting amount of icing on it.  Well, we lost touch for a while, but thanks to Facebook (it really is awesomely amazing sometimes) we reconnected.  And I found out that she has a daughter named Abigail.  We chose the same name for our daughters, I just didn't get to use it.  I also found out that she has a trinity knot tattoo that is pretty similar to mine.  Life is funny sometimes.  I am hoping that someday I will have the money to fly back to Michigan, see the places I lived when I was little, and reconnect with her and meet her kids.  It would be amazing.

2012: In Memorium

Hi, remember me!  I still exist!  The last few months, well, the last year really I haven't been blogging or writing much.  Now, it's a new year and I have a plan.  I'm running 3 blogs now (more on that later), but I have a plan including a schedule and lots of ideas.  Let's start of 2013 with a look back at 2012...  Since I have a list loving problem, this will probably crop up here every year.  You can find 2011's list here.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Got certified as a Birth Boot Camp Instructor, got separated, experienced single motherhood, lost almost 40 pounds (and gained 10 back... more on that later too), read 58 books, became a working mother, took Sam to his first boy scout meeting, started an amazing website, saw a sex book become a bestseller, started writing reviews for a movie website.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

Last year, I resolved to:

• Be under 200 pounds by my 32nd birthday
• Exercise at least 3 times a week.
• Reconnect with my friends through email, visits, and letters
• Schedule special time for Sam
• Learn how to use my camera for real
• Read 50 books
• Write at least 50 pages of my novel
• Improve my marriage
• Use a budget
• Be a better pen pal

Last year I only managed to achieve one of my goals.  I did better this year, with 3.  Maybe 3.5.  I missed my weight goal, and with my latest 10 lb gain, I'm at 222.  Oh well.  I did exercise 3 times a week until summer, then Sam was home, then I started working full time.  I did have special time with Sam when Justin was moved out.  I did read 50 books.  I didn't write 50 pages of my novel, but I did start a new book and wrote at least 50 pages, though I haven't written on it months.  I also used a budget successfully for the first time (go envelope system!).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My new friend Sarah had her baby a couple of weeks ago.  We're not super close, but I think she's pretty cool!

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

No.

5. What countries did you visit? 

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? 

More discipline about running my websites.  Peace.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

June 12 - found out my sister is pregnant, June 19 - explained to Sam that Daddy was moving out, October 1 - became a working Mom, December 14 - Newtown School Shooting.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Last year, I said my biggest achievement was getting through it.  I feel a little like that.  But the achievement I am most proud of is becoming a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.

9. What was your biggest failure? 

I don't feel like I can answer this really.  There are many.  I'd like to leave them behind.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

No.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

My Birth Boot Camp education, and my laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

My Mom.  She is absolutely amazing and I don't know what I would have done without her this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

No comment.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, living expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

My trip to Dallas for my Birth Boot Camp Instructor workshop (sensing a theme??), my sister's marriage & pregnancy (YAY!).

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? 

Who Says by Selena Gomez.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier, but it is not hard to achieve that.  THINNER.  Poorer probably.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Made time for each of us to spend time with Sam without Danny, worked on my novel, learned more about my camera, taken more photos, posted more on my websites.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Fought, eaten, been angry, procrastinated.

20. How did you spend Christmas? 

At home with my kids, Mom, her husband, Justin, my sister and her husband.

21. Did you fall in love with 2011? 

No.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 

Really, just one?  I can't choose.  Supernatural, The Walking Dead, Flashpoint.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

Revolution by Jennifer Donnelly

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Gangnam Style.  HAAAAAAAAAA.

26. What did you want and get?

A new laptop, love from my kids, a Birth Boot Camp teaching certificate.

27. What did you want and not get?

Peace.

28. What was your favorite film of 2011?

Argo.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my actual birthday I was in Colville at my sister and her husband's farm for Thanksgiving and I just hung out, took care of sick Sam and had a relaxing time.  The first weekend in December I celebrated my birthday with a weekend in Seattle that included seeing Life of Pi & Skyfall and dinner at The Melting Pot with my friends.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

If it fits, wear it.  Wish it fit better.  Add bling, and lots of scarves.

32. What kept you sane?

Booze.  Just kidding.  My Mom.  My friends.  Hope.  Faith.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hm...  the election I suppose.

34. Who did you miss?

My friends in Seattle, especially Brooke.  My sisters and my stepmom.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Tiffany Burke, Donna Damon Ryan, Sarah, my new co-workers, and all the women in my Birth Boot Camp training.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

I am strong.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"You got every right to a beautiful life, come on
 Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
 Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?"

-Selena Gomez "Who Says"

Spotlight on Surrogacy

I met Tiffany Burke back in January, when my community suffered the tragic loss of a little boy.  I wrote here about how inspired I was by the way the mothers here came together to support the boy's family.  Before I even met Tiffany, I could tell that she had an amazingly big heart.  Tiffany is a professional photographer, and when I suggested the family might like photographs of the memorial service, she offered to do it at no charge, and on short notice.

I went too, and that's where I met her in person for the first time.  She was amazing that day, taking so much time and care to get these photographs.  She has an amazing eye in any situation, and after spending the car ride home with her and another woman I knew that they were good people.  In fact, I liked them so much that I sent them what could have been one of the strangest Facebook messages they'd gotten as of late:

Hi ladies! At the risk of sounding like a total weirdo, I am reaching out to you guys. I really enjoyed meeting you guys (despite the circumstances) and talking last week. I have met a bunch of Moms around Sudden Valley, but I haven't really felt like I connected with that many of them. I do not really have a regular group of girlfriends in Bellingham since we moved back up here three years ago, so I feel like it's silly to meet people who I think are cool and not try to see them again. When we're little kids, we just walk up to other kids we meet on the playground and ask to be friends. Parents arrange playdates, or they see each other at school. As grown ups, I've found it's not so simple, and maybe it should be! So, if you don't think I'm too strange now, I would love to get together for a girls' night out or coffee or lunch or something some time. Thanks again for the ride home!

Luckily for me, they did not think I was a total freak and although we haven't managed to get together yet, I have become friends with them in the Facebook world and enjoy chatting with them and seeing them once in a while around the neighborhood.  Tiffany has a big personality, a big smile, and a generous soul.  No one is perfect, but she is exactly the kind of person you'd want in your life, and an amazing photographer to boot.  Before I shot a friend's wedding last-minute, she invited me over for a couple of hours and gave me all kinds of tips and showed me photos so I would have at least a tiny idea what the heck I was doing.

It wasn't very long after I met Tiffany that I found out that she was taking hormones in preparation for In-Vitro Fertilization.  But, there was a twist.  You see, Tiffany was trying to get pregnant as a surrogate for her brother and his wife.  After they had their first child, her sister-in-law Natalie almost died, and in the process she underwent an emergency hysterectomy.  Not long after, Tiffany felt called to offer to be their surrogate.  I started following their blog, A Belly for Me, A Baby for You and became a fan of their Facebook page.  The first time didn't take, but the second time, they got the news they'd been hoping for!

Prego!

Natalie & James get the good news - their baby is on the way!

Tiffany and her family have decided to share their surrogacy journey with the world for many reasons.  Tiffany's husband Sean is a filmmaker, and they are in filming their journey to create a documentary film.  Why?  In Tiffany's words from their blog:

"Our goal is to help educate people on this world of surrogacy, infertility and to stop the silent suffering from all the women and men out there who have ached to be parents and hit constant emotional speedbumps along the way to their family planning. For every 100 mean comments on an article, we are receiving incredible emails from women who are feeling strength from our story, no longer feeling alone and feeling inspired. We don't want surrogacy to be considered bad or weird. Just like adoption should not be. People plan and make their families in all different ways now. When there are loving families and parents for children to grow up in, I just don't see what all the negative fuss is about. I hope our story continues to reach the people it needs to. Including the negative, judgmental ones. You never know who's mind you may open by speaking up about something so controversial.

As a reminder - I used to think that if you can't have children naturally, you should adopt. I was adopted, two of my brothers were and I have always ached to adopt. My husband and I will be adopting through foster care after the surrogacy. But, I had never been on the other side, I had never heard the hearts of these mothers. I had never taken the time to understand or to even listen. I just thought "my way" of thinking was the righteous one. Walk a mile in someone's shoes, then make up your mind. I never thought I would believe in IVF or surrogacy, let alone be a surrogate! The world is a very interesting place when you choose to open your mind and see it from another person's perspective. 

With all the mixed feedback coming in from the CNN article, it has motivated me even more to get this film made. We know we can make a beautiful film that shoes the ups and downs of surrogacy, infertility and the ins and outs in a medically accurate way. We still have lots left to film, lots more interviews and of course, the birth."

I believe this is a journey worth sharing, for many reasons.  After reading some of the comments on the article Tiffany mentioned in her post, I was shocked and upset about the level of ignorance and mis-information people have about surrogacy and what it means.  I think Tiffany is giving an amazing gift to her brother and his wife, and I admire her and her family for doing it.  It hasn't been easy, she has been very sick (blame twins!), and there are many challenges that come along with the journey.

Here's the thing.  In order to make the documentary a reality, they need backers.  That's where you & I come in.  Every dollar helps, and they have 13 days to reach their goal.  You can find all the information you need at their Kickstarter page:

I would love it if you'd go take a look, share it on your Facebook page, Twitter, or blog, get the word out any way you can, donate a few dollars if you have them.  It would mean a lot to me, and to them!

The Trouble with Snark

It seems to be a trend these days for people to be snarky.  What is snark?  It's basically a combination of "snide" and "remark."  It's a way of using sarcasm as humor.  Sometimes, it can be funny, but the problem is that sometimes it can be hurtful.  Particularly in online forums, I feel like sometimes people use snark to say things they might not say face to face, and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 

I had two experiences recently that have left me feeling a little hurt, and wondering if the women who typed comments on my Facebook page would have said those same things to me in conversation.

The first happened after Easter, when I posted the following to my status:

"If your kid starts to cry and freak on the way home from an Easter party, you may be frustrated until the light goes on that there is an imbalance of the cookies and candy to real food ratio, and solve everything with a stop for chicken nuggets."

And minute later, this was the response I got from a friend:

"Chicken nuggest count as real food? LULZ!"

Okay...  I understand that everyone chooses to feed their kids differently, and I don't judge for it.  My son is only 6, and has sensory issues and different types of delays.  He only eats about 7 different foods EVER.  The chicken nuggets were breaded, yes.  But the majority of what they're made of is white meat chicken, and for a kid who barely eats, they DO count as real food.  They give him protein and nutrients.

When I read it, it a little bit made me want to cry.  Why?  Because it wasn't just a funny, witty, snarky thing to say.  It was judging me, and basically saying that if I think that's real food I am either a bad parent or stupid.  I am neither.  I take care of my children, and am offended by the idea that I'm not providing for them because I don't buy organic chicken cutlets and bake them in my oven every time I need to give them some protein.  I also talk to my kid's pediatrician and his occupational therapist and his special ed teacher about ways to try and expand his diet.

The second comment happened more recently, and was less personal, but still rubbed me the wrong way.  After the Glee episode where Bieste admited to being abused by her husband, and went back to him at the end, I posted this:

"Oh man... Glee just broke my heart a little."

I didn't go into details because I didn't want to spoil the show for anyone who hadn't watched it already.  Domestic Violence is a serious issue, and one that I have been involved in as a volunteer.  I thought they dealt with it well, and I was expressing my feelings about it.  A friend wrote:

"uh, by sucking for the last 2 seasons?"

I managed to respond just that it's not for everyone, but I still like it.  But it hurt my feelings. 

I just don't understand the urge to say something hurtful to be funny.  Both of these times, the people who posted the snarky comments could have just said nothing.  If someone else obviously likes something I don't like, I don't feel the need to walk up and tell them how much it sucks or imply that they shouldn't like it.  In both instances, the comments made me feel like I was being told I was stupid for doing something a certain way, or liking something that I like.

It's possible that these people would have said these things to my face.  But it's so much easier online to just say these things without thinking about how it could make the other person feel.  In the end, I just don't understand why the comments were neccesary.  There are situations where sarcasm and snark are appropriate - when you know someone well enough to know the comment will be well received or that it won't hurt their feelings.  But there is a line between being witty and being mean.  The blurring of that line, well, that's the trouble with snark.

Non Sequitur

Last time I had a day off, I sat on the bottom floor of the library building at the community college where Justin works. I had plans - I wanted to read some that day, and write a few blog posts. Instead, I went for a walk after I dropped Sam off at school. I took some pictures of details on some of the houses around the Columbia neighborhood and played with my new camera lens. I went to my Weight Watcher's meeting, then I plonked myself down at a table with my computer, and sat there for 5 hours. And I didn't write much. I DID write (as in by hand) a long (and long overdue) letter to my penpal, which took over an hour. I did get to talk to my sister on the phone for almost an hour and get all caught up. I did get caught up with all the posts in my feedreader. And I managed to post my weekly update. But I didn't write much. Part of me feels disappointed about it, even though I got a couple things done that I really wanted to do, I also wanted to write and spend part of the day reading. Sometimes, I feel like there are not enough hours to finish everything I want to finish. I get a whole day off once a week, which is absolutely amazing. Somehow at the end of that day, I'm always left feeling like there was SOMETHING I didn't get done. I guess that's just life, right?  I find that with limited amounts of time, I have a hard time deciding which things I want to do, and which to push aside.  There are emails in my inbox that I should have already replied to, but instead I was reading blog posts.  There were phone calls I could have made, appointments to be scheduled, that I didn't even think about all day.  Right now Danny is not able to take care of himself to the point where I can get much done at home.  It will be nice when he's a bit older and I can do some of those things during the day while he's around.  Or not.  Who am I kidding anyhow, Sam is five and still wants to be with me most of the time.

*****

This Tuesday, I'm felt more relaxed.  I had to take Sam to an appointment this morning, so I didn't get started on my day until about 11:30.  I headed straight to my Weight Watchers meeting, which took until 1:00 once I got in and got settled.  It was worth it, my weigh in was rewarding this week when I met my first short term goal of losing 5% of my weight.  It's slow going, but I am feeling really optimistic about it right now.  I went shopping for a couple of things, and got curtain rods to hang in the hall to create a gallery for Sam's work.  I can't wait to see it done, and I'll post photos when it's finished.  I haven't gotten to any of the posts in my reader, and I've only read about 20 pages today, but I'm looking forward to my date night with Justin tonight.  Maybe all of this is partly a result of being trapped in my house last week for literally almost a week.  From Friday to Friday, I left the house for 3 hours on Saturday with the kids, and for about 6 hours on Monday to attend a memorial service.  After that, we were snowed in until Friday afternoon!  It was crazy.  So I appreciate my freedom today!

*****

I can't believe it's almost February.  I feel like this month has flown by (despite the way last week seemed to drag on and on while it was happening).  I got to go down to Seattle last Friday to visit my best friend - I'm going to do that once a month from now on.  I've been missing her like crazy lately and it was really, really nice to spend time with her.  We hung out, did a Golden Globe winner double feature and saw The Artist and The Descendants, and stayed up until 2 in the morning talking.  It nurtured my spirit. 

*****

 I feel like I haven't been writing enough, and I need to find my muse again.  I know that there are words in here that want to escape, I just need to find a way to lure them out.

My Goals for 2012

Well, 2012 is upon us.  How did this happen?  I failed miserably at achieving all but one of my goals for 2011.  This year, I'm going for specific & attainable.


1.  Under 200 pounds by my 32nd birthday. 

I've been back on Weight Watchers  for a month and I've lost almost 10 pounds.  To get under 200 by my birthday (11/23), I need to lose 40 pounds.  That should be completely attainable.  If I lose more than that, it's just the icing on the cake.  And it will be better than actual cake.  Except maybe Coldstone Red Velvet/Cake Batter Ice Cream cake, because that shit is delicious.  ANYHOW.  How am I going to do this?  

• Stick with Weight Watchers.  Count every point - bites, tastes, snacks, meals, all of it, even if I feel regretful afterwards.  No food goes unwritten.  
• Cooking again - continue meal planning and shopping with a grocery list every week.  Try at least one new recipe each week along with old favorites. 
• Planning for challenges at the beginning of each week.  I'll notice when I have a party, a dinner out, a book club or whatever coming up, and I'll plan for it.  I can save weekly points.  I can eat something filling before I go.  I can control my portion sizes.  I can look at menus and figure out points before I'm at the restaurant.
• Be accountable by posting weekly updates here every week.

2.  Exercise at least 3 times a week.

Even if it's just walking for an hour or two around the mall, get some exercise at least 3 times a week.

•  When it gets nicer outside, I can go on more walks outside.  
• I'm looking into joining a gym that has a pool because I'd like to be able to swim for exercise. 
• I will dig out my Wii Fit and my Just Dance game and my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD because those are perfectly good options as well.  
• As with food, I will plan at the beginning of each week - write down which days I plan to exercise and how I'm going to get it done.

3.  Reconnect with my friends.

I realize this sounds less than specific, but that's because there are different parts to it.

• Spend one night a month overnight with my friend Brooke in Seattle.  I've already talked to my Mom and Justin about this, and about having her take at least one of the kids to help out.  I'm going to sit down and plan out the dates ahead of time so that it can be on everyone's calendars.
• Email my other friends at least once a month.  There are 3 women in particular I've been friends with since high school who I don't talk to much anymore.  I'm going to make a point to email or write letters/cards to them once a month to keep in touch.
• Arrange to see those friends at least once this year.  I'm working on it already.
• Have monthly girls nights with my friends in Bellingham.  I used to do this, and it's stopped happening. I'm going to make an effort to plan it even if only a few people can make it.

4.  Schedule special time for Sam.

As soon as we were pregnant with Danny, Justin and I talked about making sure that Sam always got time with us alone - without his little brother.  We have failed at this completely.  So this year, I am going to get a calendar and schedule one night a month with Justin and one day/night a month with me for Sam time.  This works out well with #3 because I think on the night I go to Seattle, my Mom will take Danny and then Justin and Sam will have a whole night of Dad/Son time together to do whatever they want.  Then another day or night I'll do something with Sam while Danny stays home with Daddy.


5.  Learn how to use my camera for real.

I have had my Canon Rebel for over a year now and I have not learned too much.  My goal this year is to really get to know it.  I read my entire manual the other day, and I plan to do that again.  When spring comes I get really excited about taking photos outside - I love taking macro photos of flowers.  I'm going to make a point to experiment with the manual modes and teach myself as much as I can.  I would love to take a class, so I'm going to keep my eye out for one that's affordable and will fit int he time I have.  I now have 3 lenses, the 18-55 kit lens, a 50mm macro lens, and a 70-300 telephoto.  Any advice in this area about resources would be highly appreciated.


6.  Read 50 books.

This is an ongoing yearly goal.  I managed in for 2011 (yay!) for the first time in several years.  I'm already well into 2 books for 2012, so I'm on the right track!  Just like last year, I have the Goodreads widget tracking my progress over there in my sidebar.



7.  Write at least 50 pages of my novel.

In 2011, I got the bug to start working on/finishing the novel I started 10 years ago.  I didn't do much.  For a little while, I was making a point to work on it each week, but I've stopped.  I need to spend at least an hour each week when I have my day off working on the book.  I hope that by the end of the year I'll have at least 50 pages.  I realize that's not a ton, but I also want to make realistic goals for myself.


8.  Improve my marriage.

This was a goal last year, and it did not happen.  I don't write a lot about this here, because it's really personal and if this was an anonymous blog maybe I would, but I also realize it's not just my story to tell, it's also Justin's.  So, I'll just say that it needs work.

• Reinstate weekly date nights.  I'm going to talk to my Mom about having a regular night for it again, and if she doesn't want to do it every week, get a babysitter to come on the weekend so we can go out.  
• Take a trip with Justin, and my Dad gave me 2 plane tickets for my bday (awesome) so we can use those to actually go away somewhere for a week - something we have not done in a long time, but I think that Danny and Sam can handle it.  
• Do at least two overnight trips with Justin to either Seattle or Vancouver.

9.  Use a budget.

We have struggled a lot financially in the last 5 years.  It's time to sit down and make a real budget and stick to it.  Sometime in the next week I'm going to write down all of our expenses and figure out a budget, then go on the envelope system - cash only.  We need to be more responsible and really think about every dollar we spend.  


10.  Be a better pen pal.

I got a pen pal last year, and have been absolutely crappy about writing to her in any reasonable time period.  This year, I'm going for a 2 week turnaround time with the letters - this means that within 2 weeks of receiving her letters, I'll write back and get it in the mail.  No more procrastination.

Whew.  I think that's enough...  I hope that next January when I look back at this list I'll be able to check off way more than I did this year.

What are your goals for 2012?

Thirty One

Today, I am 31. 

I can honestly say that right now, my life is more difficult than it ever has been for a variety of reasons, most of which I can't really write about out here.  I hope that my birthday next year will be better. 

There ARE some things I am looking forward to though.  Tonight, my Mom will make me stromboli and a pecan pie for my birthday dinner.  Friday, I get to have dinner with some of my very best friends and see a silly movie.  Saturday I get to spend time with my sister, who I miss and love.  Christmas is coming, and I get to watch Sam and Danny enjoy it.  I wish I could be happier today.  So, anyway.  Here are my two favorite pictures of myself from when I was a kid.





If you want to give me a birthday present, leave a comment with a joke or a link to something online that made you laugh lately.

Friday Fragments: Shoes, Scandals & Stories

Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.

Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.

*****

I was thinking last night when I was putting Sam to bed about US shoe sizes and how they're messed up.  In Europe, they just start and then keep going up and up as you grow.  But here, there are three sets - baby/toddler, kid, and adult.  Why do we have to make it so confusing?!

*****

You've probably heard some about this huge scandal that's come out at Penn State about the assistant coach who is a child molester.  Allegedly.  I'll add that since I have to.  I was actually born in State College, PA while both of my parents went to school there, and have lots of friends and family from that area.  It resulted this week in Joe Paterno, the head football coach, being fired after 46 seasons.  Basically, back in 2002 a graduate assistant reported to Paterno that he'd seen the assistant coach raping a 10 year old boy in the showers.  Paterno told his bosses, who didn't do anything, and over the next 9 years this assistant coach went on to molest many other boys.

My gut reaction is 'hell yes, he should be fired.'  He absolutely should have reported it to the police.  The graduate assistant should have reported it to the police.  Paterno's bosses should have reported it to the police.  This brings up the whole issues of personal conduct vs. professional conduct.  Michael Vick is still on the Eagles after his whole dog-fighting scandal.  I'm not comparing dog fighting to pedophilia either, just thinking about general issues of conduct, job performance, and being a role model.  If Paterno had been the only one who knew, then it would make sense that he'd be the only one ousted.  But McQuery, the guy who actually SAW the act is currently still employed by Penn State.  I'm just not sure how THAT makes sense.

The bottom line is that it's a big effing mess.  It sucks.  Lots of boys were hurt, and it absolutely could have been prevented.  It's deplorable.  And it's a shame.

*****

I am excited because my best friend and her kids are coming up to Bellingham today to visit since there's no school.  They haven't seen our new house yet, plus it's nice and tidy now since that usually happens before we have visitors.  Double bonus!

*****

This week, I got caught up on my reading for my book clubs and I'm now on track again to meet my goal of reading 50 books this year!  I am SO excited, I haven't actually met the goal for a couple of years.  I'm currently reading "Matched" by Ally Condi and enjoying it so far.  I'm about halfway through and really starting to wonder when something big is going to happen.  I have high hopes since a friend told me they liked it even better than "Divergent," I'm just not seeing that quite yet.

I also started and finished "One Day" by David Nicholls this week.  I don't read a lot of love stories, but this is the second time in the past five years that I've found myself absolutely loving one (the first was "The Time Traveler's Wife" which is one of my favorite books ever). I am always excited to find a book with a unique format or a new way of telling a story - "One Day" is told over the course of 20 years, the story of the same day each year in the course of a relationship between Dexter and Emma. I was not hooked right away, but as I continued to read I found the writing was striking me with the accurate and unique descriptions of life. It was also funny, and the story was touching. I found the ending unexpected, and at one point basically felt like the book had punched me in the gut, which is both mildly disturbing and somewhat enjoyable.


*****


Today is Veteran's Day, so of course I want to say Thank You to all of the women and men out there who have put their lives on the line to fight for this country.  Whether or not I agree with the conflict, I will ALWAYS support the troops themselves, and be grateful they are willing to fight for me to have the freedom that I enjoy.  Here is a photo of my Father in Law.  He looks young.  That is because he changed the year on his birth certificate to enlist in the Marines.

*****

Should be a good weekend, I have my book club on Sunday and on Saturday I'm hoping for some one on one time with Sam.  Got any fun plans?

"The Plain Truth" Reminders about Simplicity and Community

I just finished reading the Jodi Piccoult book "The Plain Truth" for one of my book clubs.  The book follows the story of Katie, a teenaged Amish girl who hid her pregnancy and is accused of murdering her infant son.  Ellie, a cousin and lawyer, ends up moving out to the Amish farm as part of Katie's bail conditions.  If you've read other Jodi Piccoult books and enjoyed them, you'd certainly enjoy this one.  Her books are pretty solid - good characters, good stories, and usually interesting endings as well.  My favorite still remains "My Sister's Keeper," but this may be my 2nd favorite.

It was really interesting to read about the Amish life and imagine how a girl raised in such a different culture might deal with being thrust into the English legal system.  There were several times while I was reading where passages really made me think about the way we do things.

Brimming With a Quiet Peace

While Ellie is living on the farm with Katie, at one point she is watching the girl brush her hair.

Ellie watched Katie run a brush through her long, honey hair, her eyes clear and wide.  When Ellie had first arrived and seen that look on all the faces surrounding her, she'd mistaken it for blankness, for stupidity.  It had taken months for her to realize that the gaze of the Amish was not vacant, but full - brimming with a quiet peace.

This paragraph really struck me because I don't think that sitting and just being in peace is something people do often enough.  I know that I certainly don't.  In fact, if I'm not doing anything I tend to verge on anxiety and restlessness.  Do you ever go for a walk and suddenly find yourself somewhere quiet, just enjoying the world?  I don't necessarily think we need to give up all of our computers and phones and devices.  But there is probably a lot of value in remembering to put them down every once in a while.

Welcoming vs. Casting Out

During the trial, Katie testifies.  She does not fully understand the legal system because things are done so much differently than they are in her Amish community.  The lawyer asks how it is different.

But the English judged a person so that they'd be justified in casting her out.  The Amish judged a person so that they'd be justified in welcoming her back.  "Where I'm from, if someone is accused of sinning, it's not so that others can place blame.  It's so that the person can make amends and move on."

This really struck me as well.  I see it all the time.  In news stories, online, even in conversations with friends.  It seems like our society is obsessed not only with placing blame, but in ostracizing those who make mistakes and in judging those whose choices are different from our own. 

I've written before about how I miss the sense of community that happens in some neighborhoods.  It seems like even when we have neighbors close by, the close knit groups that existed when our parents were young or that exist in small tows are few and far between.  I don't have the assurance that if I need something, I can go next door and find support and someone I can trust.  I believe that people are inherently good, and that often there are aspects to situations that we don't consider.  What if instead of freezing people out when they make a mistake or say something we disagree with, we allowed them to make amends?  What if we all tried a bit harder to let go of the past, and look forward to the possibilities of the future?  
 
Tomorrow, They Will Be With Me

 At one point, Ellie and Katie are cleaning windows while she is awaiting the verdict.  Ellie wonders how Katie can bring herself to do chores for someone else while awaiting a decision that will decide the course of the rest of her life.

Katie turned to me, her yes clear and filled with a peace that made it nearly impossible to turn away from her.  "Today Annie needs help." 

"Tomorrow, you might need it." 

She looked out the sparkling window, where women were busy hauling cleaning supplies from their buggies.  "Then tomorrow, all these people, they will be with me."

How amazing.  I have friends and family that I know will be with me, and in the last few years I've had the opportunity to really appreciate just how much support I have when I need it.  I do often wish that my community was less spread out, and that I could walk next door and find a friend.  It has been nice just living in the same neighborhood as my Mom and having her help when I've needed it.  I wish that my best friends were not so far away so that we could offer this kind of support to each other on a daily basis like Katie and her community do.

Sometimes, we forget that things really are simple.  One of the things that has gotten to me about the Occupy Wall Street movement is that I can't imagine having millions of dollars and NOT giving more to support my country, my society, and the people who don't have as much.  We live on far less than that, and we struggle sometimes.  We still pay our taxes.  We still donate to charity.  We still try to help when we can.  I just don't understand having the means to help, and being so selfish that you don't want to pay a few more taxes to help people.  I can't imagine working for a corporation whose main goal is foreclosing homes.  Let alone dressing up like a (now homeless) homeowner and making fun of people who are losing everything.  I can't imagine working for an insurance company who denies coverage on technicalities. 

I believe that as people, we have a responsibility to be compassionate towards other people.  I believe that instead of cutting people down, we should try to build each other up.  Instead of judging and attacking, we should listen and ask what we can do to help.  I know that I certainly want to be treated that way, so it doesn't make sense to treat those around me any other way. 

Let's enjoy stuff together

I feel like sharing some things I've been enjoying.

Casey Mullins - Do you read Moosh in Indy?  It's one of my favorite blogs.  Lately, Casey has been posting about her two daughters and the relationship they have.  I LOVE sibling love, and Casey captures it so well.  I dare you to try and look at these pictures without crying.  Seriously.

This & That - My friend Liz is one of the most amazing people I know.  She is compassionate, kind, generous, and ridiculously talented at crafting and creating.  She recently started this blog, and I've found it quite inspiring.  You should check it out, it's always good to be inspired.

Girl's Gone Child - I have been reading this blog for a long time, and even got to meet Rebecca Woolf when she came to town touring for the books he wrote.  She just had twins, and it has just been awesome to read about her journey.  I think her family is amazing.  You might like her stories.

Bad Lip Reading - Brittany posted this on her blog last Sunday.  It is hilarious.  I especially like the Michael Buble video.

That's all for now.  What have you been enjoying lately?

Now, we fight.

It has been nearly two months.  I haven't written about it because it's not my story.  Well, it is my story.  But it's not.

"She has breast cancer." 

I heard my sister say it.  I still replied "What??"  I heard it.  I just didn't comprehend it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know, and has long, perfect, black hair.  She's going to lose her hair.  It was one of my first thoughts.

I have known her since we were kids, when we met, she and my sister were going into the 3rd grade, and I was going into 6th.  She was the first friend we had when we moved from Michigan to Washington. 

She is 29. 
She has a son the same age as Sam.

I spent so much of the next few weeks crying.  Every time I would think about her, my stomach would turn.  I was am so heartbroken, afraid, terrified... and then I would think about how she and her parents must be feeling that a thousand fold and I would fall apart even more.

She is one of my sister's best friends. 
She is my friend. 
She is hurting.


I wanted so much to DO something.  Feeling helpless has been one of the hardest parts.  I felt extra helpless because she and I have not been that close in recent years.  She's been more a part of my sister's life, and I've become a bit closer with her Mom through book club.  I wanted to tell her how much I am thinking about her, that I love her, that I am here for anything at any time she needs it.  But I wondered if it would seem weird.  I don't want to overstep my bounds.

This is my first time.  My first friend with breast cancer.  It was bound to happen eventually, but I just didn't expect it... not like this. 

Not knowing was hard.  And then, there was news.

There is cancer in her liver.

Stage Four.

I had to pull the car over until I could stop sobbing.  I wanted to vomit.  This is so painful, so full of physical pain and mental pain.

I think about her mother, and there is a whole second aspect that I can and can't comprehend all at once.  I think of my children and try to imagine how I would feel if one of them was sick. 

I cry because this is not even my pain, and yet it is so painful.
I cry because I am lucky. 
I cry because it's not fair.

I spend too much time online.  I wanted to know how to help.  There have been google searches, articles, blogs... statistics.  Survival rates.  She is not a number, she is not a statistic.  She is my friend.  I KNOW this.  But still, when I even write about it, my chest constricts and my throat closes a little and I want to scream about how it's not fair and it's not right and what are we going to do?

I want this post to be beautiful. 
I want to be eloquent.
I want to pay tribute to her. 
I want it to be put together, not disjointed. 

I want to somehow convey the love I have for her, and the heartbreak I am feeling right now as I write this.  But I can't.  I just can't.  For once, I find I don't have the words, and I am crying again.

Last week, I read Amber's post about her friend Wendy.  It hit me so close to home.  It reminded me that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I've never written a post for it before.  I know that I have clicked 'mark as read' on posts about it before.  I don't think I can ever do that again. 

I know something now - age doesn't always matter.  It's not always about family history.  It's so important to take care of ourselves.  So, please, please, check yourself.  And if you find a lump?  Tell the doctor you want it checked NOW.  Not later.  My friend found a lump for the first time in April.  If they had done more testing, maybe she could have gotten a diagnosis earlier and this fight could have been that much easier.  It may not be that urgent, because breast cancer is often not this aggressive.  But sometimes, it is.

So, what now?


Now, we wait. 

There is a treatment plan.  She seems to be in good spirits about it. 

Now, we hope. 

She is young and strong and otherwise healthy.  She has started chemo.

Now, we pray.

She has resources, friends and family who are amazing.  One of them took her wig shopping.  She tried on a hot pink wig, and I smiled at the photo.

Now, we fight.

Without

Without
January 17, 2000

Night falls,
silently
overtaking day
like a cancer
spreading.
How did the night
fall when
you fell
with a bang, your
head fell
Broken.
Night fell at
9 am
the sun shined
without effort
cried
without end.
Repeating,
No, no, no
I couldn’t believe,
and I’ll never forget
the phone call.
stuttering
and sobbing
your name
my name
my number
to your
grandmother,
collapsing alone
in a phone
booth,
driving
without aim,
not knowing where
to go
who to tell
how to say, you
were gone.

I miss my friends.

Sometimes, I forget. But then something happens, and it comes to a head inside me. This aching, longing pain of missing my friends.

My best friend forgot to invite me to her son's birthday party.

It's not as big a deal as it may sound on her part. I wasn't mad at her at all, we both have hectic lives, she has 3 kids and we just don't see each other that often. We talked about it last time I saw her and she told me where it was going to be, they just hadn't decided on a time yet. When I checked with her about whether she was attending another friend's birthday party, she replied that they were scheduled at the same time and she forgot to email me about it. It's not a big deal.

Except. I know that if I saw her more often, she would have told me. If I still lived close, and we still hung out a couple of times a week, it would have come up in conversation. As it is now, I see her once a month if I'm lucky. When I read her email, it broke my heart a little. Not because of the fact that it happened, but because it just reinforces this feeling I've had lately that I'm missing out on my best friends' lives.

When I was in high school, I had a group of three girlfriends. We were very close, and hung out together a lot. In the years following, we changed and moved, but remained friends. After a falling out, we stopped all spending time together, but I remained close to all three of them individually. Now, one is in Seattle - I saw her a month ago. We had coffee and sat together and talked as if no time had passed. It felt good, but also made me wish that we were both better at getting together more often. One is in Portland and has twins the same age as Sam and another one who I've only met once. The third just moved to California. I'd like to visit her there, but with two kids and a tight budget, who knows if it will be possible.

I imagine if we all lived near each other. Maybe old wounds could be patched. Maybe not. Regardless, I could spend time with these women who mean so much to me. I could have a relationship with the children of one of my best friends. I miss them so much.

When I lived in Seattle, I established a wonderful group of friends. My best friend was one of the women in this group of my closest friends. I would go to a movie with her once a week, and we would hang out during the days. There were play dates where I could take the kids to play and we mothers would stay connected and where my sense of community was fulfilled.

With my best friend in particular, I can pick up where I left off. When I get to see her, it's like a breath of fresh air. But I miss her. Even after we moved to Bellingham, I used to go down to Seattle once a week for work and would stay at her house and hang out with her. It was the best of both worlds - living close to my Mom and staying connected to her. Eventually, the job ended, but I would still go down and visit. Now though, with two kids? It's so much harder to get down there. And I am afraid that I'll lose her. There is nothing in the world that could keep me from seeing her as often as possible. If I describe Justin as my heartmate, I would describe her as my friend soulmate. The thought of losing that connection makes me feel sick.

I admit that I am jealous. She is still a part of this community that I am now looking at from the outside. Our old church, our small group, and friends she introduced me to or that we met through book club who I don't get to see as often. She has another friend she goes to the movies with every week now. I am so happy that she has that, and I actually really like this other woman. I just wish I was there too.

I get to go down once a month for book club, and it rejuvenates me, it re-energizes my soul. It's like a fog lifts and I feel amazing after seeing this group of women who have been through so much together. Maybe I should just feel lucky I get to see them that often.

When I first moved back to Bellingham three years ago, I joined a local Moms Group through Meetup.com. It was a lifesaver, and I don't know what I would have done without it. For a long time, I hung out with the women in it and felt I'd made friends. There were play dates at least once a week, and much-needed monthly moms nights out. Somehow, it faded. Ever since a bunch of us got pregnant with second kids, I don't see them anymore. The meetup group has become all but defunct.

I don't know if everyone stopped doing things, or if I am just left out of privately arranged play dates now. There's one woman I really like who I will see this week and am going to make more of an effort to hang out with. But the bottom line is that for the past 9 months I have felt disconnected.

I miss my friends. I feel stubborn because I just want my Seattle friends. I don't want to find a whole new community to invest my heart in up here if it's just going to ebb like it did the last time. I miss my best friend, her kids, her husband. I miss sharing stories with my friend whose son's favorite shows are about woodworking and who wants to know everything about the world. I miss hanging out for hours on end and having something to do during the days. I miss having girls nights out with my closest confidantes - letting off steam, confiding in each other, and supporting each other.

I don't know that there's a solution. I would like to be able to get down to Seattle more. During the summer, I'll be able to go down with both kids to spend days and do outings with my friends. And it just has to be enough. I just wish there was another way.

For now, I just sit here and the pain in my heart is palpable. I try not to think about how I'm feeling this loss, because when I do it bring tears to my eyes.