Running Low

Emotions are running high.

In a relationship where arguments are not the norm, we have started two days in a row at odds.

Frustration abounds.

Questions that used to be simple now require mulling and pauses spur fear and insecurity.

Patience and money are running pretty low these days.

We push back and forth. We both want something but I know I am paralyzed by numbers. I want to figure out a way for us to be secure but ALSO to do the best thing for our son. But when I look at the figures I am paralyzed by the idiocy of it all.

Bankrupt and we are still spending beyond our means, chipping away at any savings we have managed until we have none. Is it really possible we could still be so ridiculous?

Now I look. I try to figure out how short we really are, how much we NEED every month and I see that it is... MORE. We have enough for the regular bills and for groceries. But that leaves gas, cat litter, diapers, prescriptions, and anything else that happens to come up.

I just want things to be easy again. I want 'if only'.

He doesn't understand why it is such a big deal for me to go back to work full time. I don't understand why he can't look for another job that pays more. He doesn't understand why the idea of going to the place I screwed up my interview and basically begging for another chance is humiliating for me to even think about. I don't understand why we can't just work out a way to move into his father's big empty house.

We can get through this, I know. We just need to figure it out. But right now I feel like a child who just wants someone else to take charge and whisk her away.

I just don't have the answers right now, and we are running out of time.