Friday Fragments: Book Edition

Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.

Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.

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Today, I thought it would be fun to talk about books, since I love them so much.  I've been reading more lately, and I just love the feeling of getting lost in a good book and devouring the story.

Do you use Goodreads?  I forget when I discovered the website, I think some time earlier this year.  I LOVE it.  It's such a cool way to keep track of books that I want to read and what I've been reading.  Since I have a smart phone, if I find a book I am interested in, I can just pull my phone out and add it to my list.  It's so much easier than having scraps of paper floating around in my purse all the time.  I've had an ongoing goal of reading 50 books a year, and the last couple of years I didn't make it.  I am excited that this year, I am on track!  I got pretty behind, but I've been reading a lot the last month, and now I am only 2 books behind.  I think I might really do it this year.

Read in 2011

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I read "Divergent" this week, and LOVED it.  It was recommended by Kim (Zoot), who has similar reading tastes as me.  I kind of love young adult dystopian world books.  That's pretty specific, isn't it?  But after reading The Hunger Games books, I was definitely open for suggestions of similar kinds of reading.  Now, I just feel like I'd like to sit around my house all day reading dystopian SciFi.  I can't wait to read more from Veronica Roth, unfortunately the next book in this series won't be out until next year.  AGH!  In the meantime, I've got a good little list of things to keep me going.  I started reading "Uglies" by Scott.  Here are some others I am looking forward to reading:

• "Enclave" (Razorland #1) by Ann Aguirre
• "Matched" (Matched, #1)by Ally Condie
• "Rip Tide" (Dark Life, #2) by Kat Falls
• "Delirium" (Delirium, #1) by Lauren Oliver
• "Graceling" (The Seven Kingdoms, #1) by Kristin Cashore
• "The Stranger (The Labyrinths of Echo Book 1) by Max Frei 
• "Directive 51" (Daybreak, #1) by John Barnes
• "The Maze Runner" (Maze Runner, #1) by James Dashner
• "The Predicteds" by Christine Seifert
• "Blood Red Road" (Dustlands, #1) by Moira Young
• "Gone" (Gone, #1) by Michael Grant
• "Unearthly" (Unearthly, #1by Cynthia Hand
• "Life As We Knew It" (Last Survivors, #1) by Susan Beth Pfeffer

Have you read any of these?  Any other suggestions?

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I am kind of excited that both of my book club choices for November are fiction and seem like they'll be fairly fast reads.  We're reading "One Day" by David Nicholls for one of them.  I have wanted to read it, and they've also made a movie out of it with Anne Hathaway, so maybe I'll watch it.  For my other book club we're reading "The Plain Truth" by Jodi Piccoult.  I enjoy her books, and find they are very easy to get lost in.

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There are some exciting new releases out this week that I can't wait to get my hands on.  There's a new Heroes of Olympus book from Rick Riordan.  I started with the Percy Jackson books and I loved them.  I've also read his Kane Chronicles books, which have to do with Egyptian history and mythology.  One of the reasons I love his books is because there is a lot of information in them and they're actually educational, but so much fun.  I'm also looking forward to checking out "The Night Strangers" by Chris Bohjalion.  He's been one of my favorite authors since I read "Midwives."

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What are you reading?  Who are your favorite authors?

Watching in the rear view

I watch in the rear view mirror as he walked away from me, little blonde head bobbing, toward the bus.  He doesn't stop at the end of the line, he walked up further.  He wants to get on the bus with his friends, but he is cutting in front of another kid.  Some of the kids accept it when the kindergarteners do this because they are smaller and younger.

Some don't. 

I hear it then, high pitched and sad, he is starting to cry in the way he does when he is trying to explain something or convince you that he is not doing anything wrong.  He doesn't understand.  I watch, and he is holding up the line.  The bus driver talks to him.

I step out of the car, and am not sure whether I should approach.  Sam steps onto the bus and I hear him.  Still crying a little, explaining to the bus driver what happened.  He listens for a moment, and tells him to find a seat.  A few times.  I hope he will do it.

And then, it is over.  The bus driver looks at me, and gives me an "a-ok" signal.  I give him a smile and a thumbs up.  By the time Sam gets to school, he will be walking to his classroom with his friends and he will have forgotten about this.

As for me, I find that hours later I tear up a little thinking about it. 

The other night, I had a nightmare.

It was evening, and I dreamed that the sliding door in the back of our house had a big hole in it and there were all these cats trying to come through to fight with our cat.  Justin was there, and Sam was too.  Danny was asleep in his room with the door shut.  I was trying to plug the hole with a pillow and telling Justin to help me.  Suddenly, all the cats were gone.  And I knew something else had come.  I thought it was the cougar - there has been a cougar around where we live recently.  But it wasn't.  It was a wolf.  It came through the hole in the door, and it was trying to get Sam.  I tried to hold it off, and went towards my bedroom.  As I tried to get in, holding my son and trying to shut the door, I held my arm out the way they do when training attack dogs.  The wolf bit my arm repeatedly as it tried to get at my son.  I couldn't get the door closed.

Sam woke me up at that point, and I was actually happy to get out of my bed and go lay in his with him.  Later, when I told my Mom about it, she said the symbolism was obvious - this is my brain thinking about protecting Sam from the world.

I know that I can't.  I know that there will be laughter, and there will certainly be tears.  I know that not every kid will be his friend, or be nice to him at all.  I think that all Moms have a part that wishes we could change that, that we could make it so they didn't get hurt.  I thought these things were bad when I felt them for myself... I think they are worse when I feel them through my child.  Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and concede to the fact that being a mom?  It can be really, really hard.

Now, we fight.

It has been nearly two months.  I haven't written about it because it's not my story.  Well, it is my story.  But it's not.

"She has breast cancer." 

I heard my sister say it.  I still replied "What??"  I heard it.  I just didn't comprehend it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know, and has long, perfect, black hair.  She's going to lose her hair.  It was one of my first thoughts.

I have known her since we were kids, when we met, she and my sister were going into the 3rd grade, and I was going into 6th.  She was the first friend we had when we moved from Michigan to Washington. 

She is 29. 
She has a son the same age as Sam.

I spent so much of the next few weeks crying.  Every time I would think about her, my stomach would turn.  I was am so heartbroken, afraid, terrified... and then I would think about how she and her parents must be feeling that a thousand fold and I would fall apart even more.

She is one of my sister's best friends. 
She is my friend. 
She is hurting.


I wanted so much to DO something.  Feeling helpless has been one of the hardest parts.  I felt extra helpless because she and I have not been that close in recent years.  She's been more a part of my sister's life, and I've become a bit closer with her Mom through book club.  I wanted to tell her how much I am thinking about her, that I love her, that I am here for anything at any time she needs it.  But I wondered if it would seem weird.  I don't want to overstep my bounds.

This is my first time.  My first friend with breast cancer.  It was bound to happen eventually, but I just didn't expect it... not like this. 

Not knowing was hard.  And then, there was news.

There is cancer in her liver.

Stage Four.

I had to pull the car over until I could stop sobbing.  I wanted to vomit.  This is so painful, so full of physical pain and mental pain.

I think about her mother, and there is a whole second aspect that I can and can't comprehend all at once.  I think of my children and try to imagine how I would feel if one of them was sick. 

I cry because this is not even my pain, and yet it is so painful.
I cry because I am lucky. 
I cry because it's not fair.

I spend too much time online.  I wanted to know how to help.  There have been google searches, articles, blogs... statistics.  Survival rates.  She is not a number, she is not a statistic.  She is my friend.  I KNOW this.  But still, when I even write about it, my chest constricts and my throat closes a little and I want to scream about how it's not fair and it's not right and what are we going to do?

I want this post to be beautiful. 
I want to be eloquent.
I want to pay tribute to her. 
I want it to be put together, not disjointed. 

I want to somehow convey the love I have for her, and the heartbreak I am feeling right now as I write this.  But I can't.  I just can't.  For once, I find I don't have the words, and I am crying again.

Last week, I read Amber's post about her friend Wendy.  It hit me so close to home.  It reminded me that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I've never written a post for it before.  I know that I have clicked 'mark as read' on posts about it before.  I don't think I can ever do that again. 

I know something now - age doesn't always matter.  It's not always about family history.  It's so important to take care of ourselves.  So, please, please, check yourself.  And if you find a lump?  Tell the doctor you want it checked NOW.  Not later.  My friend found a lump for the first time in April.  If they had done more testing, maybe she could have gotten a diagnosis earlier and this fight could have been that much easier.  It may not be that urgent, because breast cancer is often not this aggressive.  But sometimes, it is.

So, what now?


Now, we wait. 

There is a treatment plan.  She seems to be in good spirits about it. 

Now, we hope. 

She is young and strong and otherwise healthy.  She has started chemo.

Now, we pray.

She has resources, friends and family who are amazing.  One of them took her wig shopping.  She tried on a hot pink wig, and I smiled at the photo.

Now, we fight.

30 Days of Truth Day 30: We finish what we started

The prompt for Day 30 of 30 Days of Truth is A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

 Dear Rachael,

This is not easy.  Isn't it always a breeze to talk about the things we DON'T like about ourselves?  But when it comes to complimenting ourselves, or even taking a compliment about ourselves from others, we shy away.  We brush it off, or we respond with 'well, maybe, but...'  No one is perfect, and most people do sell themselves short.  I don't think it's healthy to have an overblown ego and go around tooting your own horn constantly.  But it seems like perhaps we could all use a little bit of positive self-talk once in a while.

You are a good mother.  No one's perfect.  Sure, you snap at your kids sometimes, and the other day you may have cried right along with one of them during that tantrum.  But you love your kids more than almost anything, and when they grow up they'll remember that.  The reason it's hard sometimes is because you care so much - if you didn't, you wouldn't worry.

You are a good writer.  The last few years have not given you much time to work on your writing, but now you're getting back into it.  And you're good at it.  You just have to get into that groove.  You've taken the initiative now to work on your book.  It's not always easy - sometimes you wonder if you will really be able to finish it, and even if you do, if anyone will want to read it.  Even if they don't, it's a dream, and it will help you grow and develop your skills, so embrace it.

You are compassionate.  Yes, it's easy to be selfish.  And, you are.  Sometimes.  You're also full of compassion and love.  You want to help people, and you always come around to finding some way to do that.  Things get derailed or go off track, but you will be able to return to contributing to this world in a positive way.  It's important to give back through volunteering or just supporting people who need it, and you can make the time for it.

You are a good friend.  It's hard to be so far from some of your best friends.  Sometimes, you feel disconnected from them.  It makes you sad.  I think you can count on those friends still being there when you are able to see them, though.  Because you're a good friend.  You're a good listener, and you love your friends like they were sisters. 

You have pretty eyes.

You love books.  I love that you love to read.  I love the knowledge you take in from reading about topics that are new, and getting lost in a good book.  I love that you're passing that love of books and words down to your children.

Now, I can't think of anything else.  And I feel a little silly writing this all down at all.  It seems so weird.  Maybe next time we feel like we can't do anything right, we can try to remember that there is some good in us after all.  This is the end of the 30 Days of Truth.  It only took us a year.  Ha.  We may not always finish things on time, but we finish what we started.

Love,
Rachael

Find the other 29 days here.

A Letter Overdue Part 2: Danny

Dear Danny,

Oh my little babe. You have been one for almost five months, and I haven't gotten around to writing your very first birthday letter yet. I need a slap on the wrist! I won't ask you though, you'll probably whack me in the face since lately you've been quite amused by that.  I'm trying to teach you to be gentle, and you're learning what it means.  When you hit me, and I tell you to be gentle, you reach out and stroke my face.  Then you usually give me a hug.

The other night I was putting you to bed, sitting in your room, and I suddenly realized that one day soon I am going to look down and you won't be a baby anymore. Even now, your babyhood is fading with each step you take and each phrase I notice you're understanding.  Some days, I'm not sure I should still be calling you a baby, but I think I'll hold on to it a little bit longer.  At bedtime, when you're tired, we ask if you are ready for bed.  You walk to your room and when I follow, you shut the door behind us and walk over to the chair.  I still sing to you at night while I hold you and wait for your eyelids to get heavy.  Lately, you've been going into your crib not fully asleep some of the time.  You know that you're tired and ready, and it's just another sign that you're getting bigger and smarter all the time.

You finally learned how to walk, and you just go everywhere.  We moved to a new house last month, and you love being able to walk around the whole house.  Now that there are no stairs and it's a little smaller, you pretty much have the run of the place.  This week, you've gotten in the habit of going into rooms and trapping yourself by closing the door, hopefully you'll get over that soon.

Sam is in Kindergarten now, so we get to spend more time together just the two of us.  I know you are getting old, but I still hold you ever day while you nap.  Some people may think that's crazy, but the truth is that I love that time resting on the couch with you in my arms.  One day, you won't want to cuddle with me like that, so why not enjoy it while I can?  You're spending one day a week with Grandma Edie, and I love it because I get time off.  I also love it because you're going to have a bond with her.  I love that you and Sam will have grandparents that you are so close with, you're so lucky.

You love the cat, and you've got a couple of favorite books, both filled with pictures of animals.  You try to make some of the animal noises back at me - cow, chicken, and roaring like a lion.  You also discovered one of Sam's lift the flap books the other day, and you like to read it.  Last Friday night while I was out, you and Daddy read it over and over.

I can't wait until you learn how to talk.  I think you have a lot to say, but right now you just grunt and whine emphatically.  I know that you have so much to say, and I can't wait for you to really be able to express yourself.  You've had a couple of sounds that were word-like, 'yeah' and 'hot dog' and 'ball,' but nothing I would really consider your first real word.

Your favorite foods are hummus, hot dogs, yogurt, peanut butter, french fries, guacamole, and cheese.  You will try anything I put in front of you, which is nice.  You also love fruit, especially watermelon.  I love knowing I can take you anywhere and there will be something there for you to eat.

I gave you a haircut the other day and you boys always look so much bigger and older after a haircut.  You have these funny ears that stick out.  Maybe you'll grow into them, I don't know.  For now, you just look pretty cute.

It's getting rainy outside and soon we'll have to buy your first pair of shoes.  Your Robeez are great, but they won't keep your feet dry if the ground is wet!  I can't believe you're old enough for that already.

You are still the happiest baby I've ever seen.  When you cry or fuss, there is almost always a reason, and an action that can be taken to get you back to happy again.  You smile and laugh all the time, and you're just full of joy.  I hope that never changes.

I love you.

Momma

P.S.

Hey Sam, there are a couple more things I remembered that I wanted to write down.

When we play Mario brothers and you get a sparkling invincibility star, you call it a DISCO star.  You call him disco Mario while he has it, and I love that.

You peed in the potty at school for the first time on Monday, and I am so proud of you.

You tried to give Danny a time out yesterday because he threw a napkin at you.  It didn't work.  But it was sort of funny.

This conversation you and Daddy had the other day:

Justin: Sam, are you going to be a computer hacker when you grow up?
Sam: No, I'm not going to be a computer hacker.
Justin: What are you going to be when you grow up?
Sam: I'm going to be Grandma Edie's Dad.
Justin: Her Dad?
Sam: Because her Dad died.
Justin: But what are you going to do for a job?
Sam: I won't have to have work. Paul will work.

I love you.

30 Days of Truth Day 29: One Day Soon

 The prompt for Day 1 of 30 Days of Truth is something you want to change about yourself.

September and October bring this shortening of days that can drive us slowly mad without us even realizing it.  Then one day, we sit there and realize that we feel a little bit sad.  Sometimes I think I give in to negativity too often.  I let things get me all riled up when maybe I shouldn't, and then it seeps out of me and touches people I love and when I realize it, I just feel worse.  I should try harder to think about how lucky I am to live the life I do.  I've felt so sensitive lately, this summer was really hard in a lot of ways.  The tension of Sam being home all day every day, not having any time to myself, the stress between Justin and I, and the completely overwhelming task of moving to a new place, figuring out new schools and new budgets and kindergarten.  It adds up, and it's made me sensitive.  It's not so hard these days to make me cry.  Then I find myself in my car, crying as I read about Liz, who never got to meet her baby.  And I feel selfish for feeling bad about anything.  Don't I have my health?  Don't I have my husband, and my children?  Don't I have good friends and a roof over my head?  I need to make more of a conscious effort to keep these good things in my thoughts on a more consistent basis.  I want the world to be a better place because I was in it.  I want my kids to remember being happy.  I want to support the people who are important to me, and make sacrifices more gratefully.  I think about luck, and love, and God, and life.  And I want to embrace it, and I don't think I've been trying hard enough.  I think that maybe I need to start going to church more regularly again.  It seems like that always reminds me about compassion and humanity.  It's hard not to be selfish all the time - I think that our brains are wired that way.  Maybe once it was for survival.  I do care about other people, and I think I put my kids before myself.  But I don't think I am trying hard enough when it comes to my husband and being a good wife.  I want him to put in effort, but I need to consider how to make things happen for both of us.  Despite the wind and the wetness in the air, and the grey clouds and shortening days - I think things are looking up.  I have hope that one days soon things will be stable and normal (as normal as they can be at least, what does that even mean?), that we'll manage our finances better and our needs better and we'll learn how to get along with life and be truly happy.

See the other 29 days here.