Closing Time

Hey.  Remember me?  I used to hang around these parts a lot.  My life has changed so much in the last four months.  Four years, really.  I haven't been writing quite as much recently.  But, I'm feeling that familiar pull in my blood, that whisper that I'm not writing enough.  That I need to get back to it.  And I want to.  And I'm excited about it.  But...

Not here.

When I thought about starting to blog again, it just didn't feel right coming back here.  I won't take this down - probably not ever.  So many pieces of my heart are scattered around this place, in my words.  Now, though?  Everything is different.  I'm starting a completely new phase in life.  I'm starting over, in so many ways.  And it's inspiring.  So inspiring that I created a new home for myself, for my words.

That's where I'll be from now on.  Won't you join me?

December 2013 Soundtrack

I'm still around.  I spectacularly flamed out at NaBloPoMo AND my 30 Days of Thankful, and then went radio silent.  Nice job, me.  The last 2 weeks have been busy, what else is new, right?  I'm trying to figure out how to configure my life so that I can find time to write regularly.  I have stuff to say!  Doing NaBloPoMo was a good kick start in a way, but there were a lot of days that I was writing so late that I felt like my creativity wasn't at it's best.  I need to find time when I'm altert and not just posting after the kids go to bed every night.

In any case, it was definitely a good experience, and I'm sure I'll do it again - maybe next time I'll actually succeed?  Today though, I want to talk about my current soundtrack.

I have been listening to more music lately even though I usually listen to audiobooks in the car.  I'm a bit worried I'm not going to be able to meet my 50 book goal this year, but lately I have just felt so much like singing at the top of my lungs.  The last couple of days I've been in the mood for Christmas music, somehow - despite the fact that I listen to it for 8 hours a day at work.  This is my theme song for this season:



I absolutely LOVE Sarah's version, but then I heard this on the radio, and oh, my heart!  Just when I thought I couldn't like Cee Lo any more... amazing.



Lately I've been having a newfound love affair with Maroon 5.  I don't know why that happens, re-discovering or finally listening to new music from a band you really like.  I've been listening to a lot of stuff from their last album, and right now, I am totally obsessed with these three songs:



Though I totally dislike the video... this video on the other hand, is awesome:



And I looked for a real video for this one, but it doesn't seem to exist, so you'll just have to listen.  I love it:



I am also loving this one, though it's prone to make me feel a sadness in my soul.



I've been enjoying that kind of music lately, you see it in my choice of winter song above, and in my calm in listening to this one.  I feel like I'm in the midst of some huge turmoil, and there is a quiet sadness about me. It's not bad, it just is.  And this music is my background right now.

This one is also heartwrenching in many ways, and touches me.



One of my other very favorite songs right now is this one.  There's just something about the saga-like sound, maybe it sounds like something from a musical and that's why I like it.  I have kind of fallen for Fun. this year, and this is definitely my favorite song.



On another note, today I heard on the radio that Paul Simon and Sting are coming to Seattle in February.  I'd like to go to that.  I feel like Paul Simon is one of those artists on my list of people I'd like to see, and probably won't get many chances for.  Maybe I'll be lucky and someone will get me tickets for Christmas.

Finally, let's leave it with my very favorite Christmas song ever, specific to this version.  Amazing:



What's your soundtrack like these days?

Thankful Days 26/27: Nora & the Farm

I am thankful for my baby niece Nora, who lights up the world with her smile and makes the most hilarious noise when she eats, like she is some kind of engine revving up to take on the world.  She lets me pick her up and play with her and smiles at me even though we haven't met too many times, and she is the most adorable and beautiful little girl ever.  I am thankful for this farm where my sister lives with her little family, with the husband who loves her and who fits together with her so well, and who holds his daughter and carries her around while he works like they're two peas in a pod and it's just meant to be that way.  I'm thankful for this peaceful place away from the crazy world where my little niece will grow up, and the loving parents who will raise her, and the chances I will get to come here over the years and spend time with all of them.  Who'd ever have known that one day a little piece of my heart would live on on farm 30 minutes outside Colville?  But it does.

NaBloPoMo Day 27: Fail/Not Fail

Well, you may have noticed there is no post for Day 26.  That is because, once again, I have failed at NaBloPoMo.  Sigh...  BUT, I don't feel that disappointed about it.  It would be cool to say I made it and that I had done it.  But I've made it so far, and I feel like it has done a lot for me already (post on that is forthcoming, for sure!)  We've been at the farm with all my family the last 2 days and today and yesterday I have been extremely tired and exhausted.  I don't know if it's because the kids are being a bit gripey, or because Danny's been extra whiny (growth spurt?  He ate an awful lot today!), or because I'm away from my normal responsibilities so my body's relaxing.  I've had a cold for about a week that I can't seem to kick and I just feel really tired, and haven't slept really great the last two nights.  I was in the bed with both kids, which was kind of nice, but also way too restrictive to my movements and left me sleeping poorly and waking up with my back hurting.  It's not quite the same sharing a double bed with two kiddos as a King like at home!  Anyhow, last night I went up to put Sam to bed before writing my blog, and I snuggled in under the warm blanket in between my two little boys.  And when Justin came up to check on me a while later and I was still awake, but cozy and sleepy, I decided to stay in bed with them and rest instead of getting up and forcing out some words onto the screen.  I don't regret it.  I was tired, and I was in a wonderful place at that moment, and you just never know how many moments like that are left!  So, I "failed," but I also didn't, because my heart was in the right place.  I'm still going to try to post every day until the end of November if I can, we'll see!

Thankful Day 25: Modern Day Travel

I am thankful for cars and highways and airplanes.  Without them I would not be able to spend Thanksgiving in Colville with my Dad and sister who came all the way from the east coast, and we couldn't have made the journey here in 9 hours.  Yes, it seems like a long way to drive, but think of the alternatives if cars didn't exist or if the roads didn't go through.  We might not have any.  I am with my family because of the technology we have the infrastructure that's in place, and for that I am thankful.

NaBloPoMo Day 25: A Small Miracle

Last Thanksgiving at the farm

Today we drove from Bellingham to Colville, and the trip went more smoothly than I could have imagined.  I got home from Seattle at 9:00 last night, and was SET on leaving at 10:00 this morning.  When I got home last night I hadn't even written a packing list for our 4 day/5 night stay at my sister's farm, let alone started packing anything.  I didn't do much last night other than clean up the living room and make a list.  Justin had done some housework, which was REALLY nice because there is nothing I hate more than coming home from a vacation with our mountain of stuff that needs unpacking to a dirty house.  There's a pile of clean laundry to deal with, but that's no big deal.

I really wanted to make it to the farm by dinner, and I knew if we left much later than 10, we wouldn't.  With two adults and maybe ONE bathroom stop, it would be a 7 hour and 15 minute drive.  With two adults and two kids, and SEVEN (yes, you heard me, we stopped seven times...) stops, it is more like a 9 hour drive.  I got up with my alarm clock today - his name is Danny - but he didn't wake me until about 7:15.  Pretty late for him, many days he is up between 6:15 and 6:45.  I sat with him for a few minutes, then started getting ready.  Justin was already up after not being able to go back to sleep at 5 something.

We managed to get everything packed for all four of us, get the kids breakfast and dressed, keep the house clean, clean out the entire car (including vacuuming and changing out the towel that covers the backseat under the carseats) and change out the entire stock of toys in the car to new ones for the journey, and left the house at 10:15.

WITHIN 15 MINUTES OF MY GOAL.

I don't even REMEMBER the last time this happened for a trip like this!  Usually if we plan to leave at 10 it is more likely we'll leave at 11 or sometimes even later.  I was so happy!  Not only did we leave on time, but the kids did incredibly well on the drive over.  They didn't even ask for phones to play games on until about 7 hours into the trip - unheard of.  They were just playing with their toys, and Danny took about an hour and a half nap.  Amazing.

We got here at 7:15 just as the first two pizzas were coming out of the oven, and had dinner, then I was surprised with a delicious triple chocolate mousse cake that my sisters made for me.  Now the Olsens and Justin are in the living room watching the Gonzaga game, I'm typing, my Dad is working on a big puzzle, and my two boys are coloring quietly at the dining room table.  I'm going to take about a million pictures this week.

It's so mellow and quiet here, and I feel relaxed just being here.  It's peaceful.  I'm really looking forward to the next few days on the farm.  Getting out of the car, hugging my sister Lianna and my Dad who I haven't seen in 2+ years, and then holding my little niece Nora for a while while Kira put away the stuff from making dinner, my heart already feels at home.  It's going to be really hard when this trip ends.

 

Thankful Day 24: Lifelong Friends (Suman)

I am thankful for lifelong friends.  I got to have coffee with my friend Suman today.  We have been friends since 9th grade (holy shit, that's going on 20 years, AGH!), and in the last few years we've only seen each other about once a year, but we always manage at least that.  When we meet for coffee or drinks it's like no time has passed, and I am so thankful for this kind of friendship - the kind that feels like it will always be there, no matter how long it's been since you talked, and where the other person knows you from when you were young and you grew into adults together.  Sorry, I'm sap-tastic right now apparently.  Seriously though, it's awesome, and I had a great time catching up.  We always say we'll do it more often or sooner, and hopefully we will, but even if we don't, I will still know that my friend is out there if I need her.

NaBloPoMo Day 24: To Decorate Me!

Guess what?  I have REALLY been wanting some new long sleeved shirts that are comfortable enough for weekends, but nice enough to wear to work.  How lucky am I that 1. TWO very generous people got me Lane Bryant gift cards for my birthday and 2.  There was a $40 off $100 sale, so I could get even more?!  I am having them shipped to the store so there's no shipping charge (yay!), but they won't be here for 4-8 days... how can I wait?  I went to the store today and tried stuff on so I would know it will all fit when it gets here.  Here's what's coming:

Lane Bryant Basic Black Lace Cami

Freaking Fabulous Lane Bryant Sequin Tee

Lane Bryant Classic V-Neck Striped Sweater

Lane Bryant Sweater Tunic with Chiffon Hem

Lane Bryant Classic V-Neck Sweater (in a green to die for)

Lane Bryant Zip Back High Low Sweater

I ALSO went to Kohl's yesterday because I wanted a new shirt to wear out for my birthday dinner and had a bit of other shopping to do, plus a 20% off coupon.  I ended up with this T, which is super comfy, sparkly, and makes me happy:

Apt 9 Embellished Top

Detail

And, my friend Brooke got me this blue shirt as part of my gift.  Probably at Value Village or Goodwill.  She has this weird thrift store magic where she finds awesome things.  I can never find awesome things like she finds when I go to these places.  It's Apt 9, so originally from Kohl's, and it's what I call a "Rachael shirt," she probably took one look at it and had to buy it for me.

I also decided Friday night I wanted fancy nails for my birthday, and I finally tried out the dotting tools I got forever ago and ended up with my favorite mani of all time:

Woo!

NaBloPoMo Day 23: Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's my birthday.  If you'd sat down with me five years ago and told me that this is what my life would be like on my 33rd birthday, I definitely would not have believed you.  But here I am.

I'm not one of those people who worries about getting older.  In fact, if you ask my best friend, she'll tell you how weird I am because I basically spent the last half of my twenties waiting to turn 30.  I just wanted to be out of my twenties.  All of my friends who were at the same stage of life as me were 5 years older, and I felt like when people found out how old I was they just thought of me as young, and I didn't really want to be anymore.  Now that I'm in my thirties, sometimes I have to think about it when people ask how old I am because I just know I'm thirty something!

I like it here.  I don't think I'll ever be at an age again where I don't like it.  I don't mind growing older, and I'm not one of those people that will 'turn 29' repeatedly or hide my age.  I look at my mother, who is now 54, and she is beautiful and young and one of my best friends.  Why WOULDN'T I want to be in my fifties someday?  Grey hair and wrinkles tell the story of who we are, and what made us into the person we will become.

I am in Seattle for the weekend, celebrating with friends as I do every year.  We go out to dinner and usually a movie (Catching Fire, here I come!!!) and I spend time with some of my favorite people.  This weekend is something I look forward to all year, and it's special to me.  Then, this week, we will take the long drive over the mountains to Colville to spend Thanksgiving on the farm with Brent, Kira, and Nora as well as my Dad and little sis Lianna who are visiting from the East Coast.  I can't wait, I haven't seen them in nearly two years.  My Mom and Paul will also be there, and I can't wait to relax and just be surrounded by my family.  Oh, and for my Mom's pecan pie.

The last couple of years have been really, really hard in so many aspects, some of which I've written about, and a lot of which I haven't.  They are still hard.  I'm going to counseling now, and I love the woman I'm seeing, and I'm confident that next year will finally be the year that things start to REALLY get better for me and my family.  I'm excited for that, and I really hope that by next birthday when I turn 34, I will be in a different place than I am now.

For now, it's enough to be surrounded this week and weekend by some of the most important people in my life, and to celebrate that they are a part of it.

Thankful Day 23: Tara

I am thankful for my friend Tara. I met her a little over 10 years ago through our mutual (awesome) friend Brooke, and shortly after that she founded the book club I've been in for the past 10 years. When I started having dinner with one of Brooke's other friends, then joined that club, I could never have imagined the love, support, and kindness that would be brought into my life. Tara's birthday is November 25, so I've made it a tradition to go down to Seattle for the weekend for my birthday and plan a birthday dinner to celebrate. I look forward to it for the whole year, and it's one of my favorite nights, spending time with my friends and celebrating one of the funnest, nicest women I know. Here's to you, and happy early birthday!

Thankful Day 22: Nail Polish

This may seem silly, but I am thankful for nail polish.  I love painting my nails, and sometimes trying my hand at nail art.  It makes me happy.  I'm glad that people keep making more colors and coming up with crazy ideas for me to try!

NaBloPoMo Day 22: Birthday Fantasy List

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I'm going to be 33 years old.  Which is a pretty good number, because it's two threes.  Anyhow, a couple of years ago I made a little Christmas dream list here, so I thought why not do the same thing for my birthday - it's fun to dream, right?

Peacock Feather Earrings

Canon 50mm f/1.4 lens

Alegria Feliz Prism Clog (Disco Shoes) in Size 7.5

Electric Blue Druzy Necklace

A quilt like this gorgeous rainbow stripe

 

Super Pop Book

Daisy Fuentes Sweater

Chevron Wallet

Jonathan Adler Ceramic Unicorn

Thankful Day 21: Water

I am thankful for clean, cold water.  I drink a lot of water, I've always liked to, but since I started my diuretic medication I drink A LOT.  I like it ice cold.  I don't think very often about how easy it is for me to walk in the kitchen, pop in some ice cubes, and fill my bottle with cool, clear water from the tap.  There are so many people in this world who don't have that.

NaBloPoMo Day 21: Dear Danny

Dear Danny,

As I told your brother, your birthday letter this year is quite late.  Sorry about that!

Today I am at home with you because you are sick.  You have had a fever since yesterday morning, it started at 100 but went up to 102 last night and this morning.  It's down a bit now with Tylenol, but you're still sick.  It's a milestone of your age that you were able to wait for me to go in the kitchen and get a bowl before throwing up this morning.  Even though I hate that you're sick, there's a part of me that likes just spending the time to cuddle with you and hold you and give you comfort.  I know that being held by me or Daddy right now is the best thing to make you feel better while your body fights off whatever it has going on.

You are amazing.  You are officially three and a half now, and it's hard to believe it's been so long since you were born.  Your whole life has been a surprise to me because you are just so completely different than your brother.  How can two little boys with blonde hair and blue eyes be so different when they both came from the same place?  It's amazing.  You have been the smiliest kid I ever saw since you were just a baby, and you're pretty good natured most of the time.  You're loving and you tell me all about everything.

Lately you've been crawling into my bed in the middle of the night, something you never asked for or liked doing before.  I know that Daddy thinks it's a bad habit that needs to be broken, but with working full time I see so much less of you than I used to, and I have to admit that having you snuggled up next to me in the night feels pretty good.

You are so smart.  You know all your letters, and you sound them out, saying things like "buh buh bat!" a lot.  I think that if I pushed it, you could be reading, but I'm in no hurry so I just let you go at your own pace.  As it is, you can look at words and spell out all the letters, and you know which sounds they make.  You know how to read 'on' and 'off' on your light switch in your room, and love playing letter and matching games.  You love puzzles and know your numbers up to 15 and lots of different shapes.  I see pictures you draw and am amazed at how good they are, so recognizable.

Your toddlerhood has been more challenging for me than Sam's was in some ways.  With being so happy most of the time, you also hit the extreme in the other direction.  Sometimes you get so upset so fast, and Sam was always a bit more even tempered, high highs a bit less high and lows not as low.  Navigating uncharted waters can be a challenge, especially when I feel like I should have a map since I've been here before.  

This fall has been really hard for me.  It has been a bit over a year since I went back to work full time, but for a significant amount of that time, you were spending 2-3 days a week with Grandma, then with me and Daddy over the summer.  When Grandma went back to work this fall and you switched to full time daycare, it broke my heart a little bit.  It still does.  There are aspects of working that I really like, and financially, it's necessary right now.  But having you spend more time during the week with someone else than you do with me is unsettling at best.  I miss our days together, of lounging around the house in the morning and then going out walking in the afternoons.  I miss having leisurely special time with you.  You bring joy to everybody.  When I take you places, you light up people's days just be being there with your smile and your observations of the world.

You are totally potty trained now, and you help put on your own buckle in the car seat.  You want to do things yourself as much as you can.  You love helping me with the dishes and sorting laundry, and the other day you vacuumed in the nude with our little dust devil for over half an hour.  It was hilarious.

You love your train tracks, and one day when I stayed home with you and Daddy and Sam were gone, you built about 8 different configurations of the track throughout the day.  You'd build one, play with it for a while, then start taking the pieces one by one and building a new track.  Grandma Edie thinks you're going to be an engineer when you grow up.  I don't know what you're going to be, other than a pretty awesome guy.  Your personality is just wonderful, I can see you growing older and just being the guy who makes friends with anyone and bridges gaps between groups of people who never would have melded.  Your light shines bright, and I'm pretty sure you're going to change the world.

And just think, you're not even four yet!  I love you little butt.

Mama

Favorites! 

Favorite Color:  Pink and purple
Favorite Book:  Little Critter Where's My Sneaker, Cars board book
Favorite Movie: Cars
Favorite Song: Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, You Are My Sunshine, Baa Baa Black Sheep & Landslide
Favorite TV Show: Team Umizoomi, Animal Mechanicals, Handy Manny
Favorite Food: String Cheese,
Favorite Dessert: Donuts, M&Ms, Cupcakes, Cookies... you have a bit of a sweet tooth
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Go to parks, Go exploring ANYWHERE, really!
Best Friend: Adrian

Thankful Day 20: Grandparents

I know that more than one of my thankfuls has been about Sam, but a lot of stuff is going on with him right now, and this has been an opportunity to see the side of it that warms my heart and gives me confidence instead of making me feel stress.  I am so, so thankful for Sam's Grandparents, and their involvement in his life and education, and support of us as parents.  Today Sam's Grandpa Rich came up to go to a meeting at Sam's school with us, and I was really glad he was there.  It was a long drive for him.  He helped a lot and partly because of that help, we are to a place with Sam's school where we feel much more confident and understanding about the IEP process and what's going to happen from here on out.  Sam is so lucky to have grandparents who have so much knowledge and care about him so much, and I'm lucky to have their support in all we do.

NaBloPoMo Day 20: Just Once

After seeing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, all I could think about was how just once in my life, I would like to wear one of these:

Which got me thinking about other things I'd like to have occasion to wear.

Just once.

To feel like a princess.

To glitter.

To be fancy.

For a little while.

To be able to WALK in these!

To sparkle.

To have these wild curls.

Just once, just for a few minutes.  Aaaaahhh...  What's your fancy fantasy?

Thankful Day 19: Professionals for Sam

I am thankful for all of the professionals who have helped us with Sam and all the different issues that have come up.  We went to an amazing open house at Sam's eye doctor tonight about Vision Therapy, and every time I talk to someone new I get a little more of this big picture of how everything with Sam is all linked and I can see how his development has progressed.  We have been very lucky to work with some amazing professionals for OT, Encopresis treatment, Eye care, all of it, and hopefully will continue this great luck into the future.

NaBloPoMo Day 19: Concepts I Just Can't Get Behind

The 12th Man

I just.... can't.  I get that fan support is important, but I bet that they would play without fans for those millions they get to take home.  Just because you put a flag on your car or make a lot of noise in the stadium doesn't make you a part of the team.  You didn't win.  The team won.

Elimination Communication

If you don't know what it is, you can look it up.  But it is basically about "potty training" babies by holding them over the toilet when they do certain cues.  Then people say their baby is potty trained at 12 months or whatever.  Hey, guess what?  You didn't potty train your kid, you trained yourself to hold your kid over the toilet bowl.  What a pain.

"Obamacare"

No, it's not that I dislike the Affordable Care Act.  I think it's a step in the right direction, though I wish we could just go to universal healthcare and actually providing for everyone like they do in Europe.  And yes, I know the tax rates are really high, but the market adjusts and you get used to it, and there's a huge benefit to it.  Anyhow, that is totally off topic.  What I'm talking about here is calling the ACA "Obamacare."  I can't stand it.  It's totally annoying and usually said with this certain tone of voice that makes me want to throat-punch the smug throat that said it.  People do realize that Romney kind of made this plan first as governor?  Why can't we just use the correct name for it??

I'm sure there are more, in fact, I'm pretty sure I just thought of one right before I started writing this and then promptly forgot it.  My brain is not what it used to be, apparently.  Sigh...

NaBloPoMo Day 18: Priscilla, the Paramount & a Public Proposal

Image Credit: Joan Marcus

As I wrote about yesterday, we went to see Priscilla, Queen of the Desert last night at the Paramount, and the show was spectacular!  I enjoyed it so much.  The costumes were amazing, it was funny, and the musical numbers were big.  It was just FUN, and the audience was into it, which always makes it better.  There is just something about a show like this with the subject matter and the confrontation of homophobia and misunderstanding that occurs, and knowing you are in a room full of people who are completely accepting and love what they're watching warms your heart.  It was really refreshing after the last show we saw ended up being kind of a lukewarm disappointment in many ways.

It had been long enough since seeing the movie that I didn't remember the main plot point about why the queens were going on their desert trek, so it was nice to rediscover it.  I really want to watch the movie again now too!  After seeing it, one of the things I thought was how someday I wish I could just wear a big, feathery, showy headdress.  Just for a few minutes!

What we didn't know going in was that the show we saw last night was the last show of the U.S. tour.  After the end of the show, the actors stayed on the stage after the curtain call, and Scott Willis, who played Bernadette, began to speak.  He talked about the last 3 years working on this production and the costumes and the big-ness of the show - that it won't tour often because it's such an expensive show to produce, and the bus (which cost nearly a million dollars!) was never meant to leave New York, but they figured out how to do it.  It's a hugely technical show with a lot of lighting and other moving parts on the set, and there were 500 costumes - astronomical for a show where in most scenes, 25 people at most are on stage.  In the program there were some fun facts, one of which was that they used 2 lbs of glitter a month, and so much lipstick!

He talked about how it was so special to be involved in this show at a time when he feels that America is on the precipice of a time of true acceptance.  I feel it getting closer, but there's such a long way to go in so many ways, on so many levels.  It's nice to imagine a day when it will all be true though.  He spoke about the cast and their relationships with each other, he got choked up and so did I - I am kind of an empathetic crier (and a crier in general) then he turned to one of the young actors who played Benji and he was also choked up and it was just crazy and wonderful to be part of their farewell.

Scott turned it over to Wade McCollum, who played Tick/Mitzi, and he spoke about the players involved in the show and how they had made a beautiful tree with crazy colorful leaves and now those leaves would fall and all become part of some other tree.  They mentioned the costume designer and several others, and asked the choreographer to come up onto the stage.  I never noticed when Bryan West (Adam/Felicia) stole offstage to change from his costume into street clothes.  Then it was his turn to talk.

He said that one of the things this show had brought him in the last 3 years was the love of his life, the choreographer for the show, who he'd met and fallen in love with during this production.  Then he got down on one knee and proposed.  What?!  It was awesome.  I have never witnessed a proposal before, and what a perfect end to the night - two men getting a standing ovation for getting engaged at the final show of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?  Sometimes, the world is just amazing.

Thankful Day 18: Acts of Kindness

I am thankful for random acts of kindness, today especially the hot cup of coffee on the way to work on a cold, rainy day courtesy of Leah who pretty much always makes me smile.  Cheers to Facebook for random friendship and connections, and to the little things that make my days.