Lift them Up

Yeah, I totally know today is not Friday yet, but this is going to be up until the weekend at least, and as I've sat here and wrote it, I realized I couldn't wait until tomorrow to put it up.

We all have struggles
in life, sometimes they seem to
have no end, no out

Lately I have had
some of my own, found myself
wishing for... something

Then I reach out, I
take in words and I wonder
how can it all be?

Now I try so hard,
my hardest, to push aside
thoughts of myself

I will sit, I will
pray, I will send anything
I think will help you

I will think of you,
I will spread the word, the world
needs love, needs it now

If you have a prayer
a positive thought, a bit
of good energy

If you have karma
to spare, virtual hugs to
send, now is the time

Now is the time, we
lift each other up, across
the miles we join

Wishing we could do
more, but hoping for now we
make some difference

I've been struggling lately. Between the swine flu invading my household, the ridiculous decision to try and adopt a 9 month old puppy (yeah, say I told you so, the adoption was never official & we couldn't handle him), morning sickness that has reacquainted me with the toilet in a forgotten way, not being able to eat, a house I'm too tired to clean, and pregnancy hormones making me slightly crazy? It's been... interesting. I've cried. I've sobbed. I've snapped at Sam. I've gotten to the end of my rope and wondered where there was to go.

But, I'm surviving. At the end of the day, Sam always falls asleep and watching him like that I can't help falling back in love with him no matter what happened that day. I can get through one day at a time and some days I feel a little better than others. My life has become a question to me. I don't know how we'll do this, I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 months if this sickness sticks around. I don't know how I'm going to handle an infant and a 4 year old. But I'll figure it out. I have my family, and I can't wait until the day I get to feel our new little baby move inside me! We have our ups and downs, but my heart is intact, in fact most days it swells with love and pride and wonder at least once.

I've been behind on my reading around the blogosphere, but I'm getting caught up. Unfortunately, as I catch up, I see that there are other women out there who are struggling too. Is it something in the air? I don't know. All I know is that I am moved to tears and find myself wishing there was something, anything, I could do to help ease their pain. I want to hold them in my arms, tell them that it's so hard right now, but I know it will eventually be okay. I want to cry with them, tell them that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what they're going through right now.

In this weird online world, we meet people without meeting them. Some of these women probably don't even know who I am. I read their blogs, I've been looking into their lives for a couple of years. I've laughed with them, I've cried with them. Some of them know me, and have reached out to me in my times of need. Some of them I admire for their strength, their humor, their writing, or their hearts. Sometimes it is hard to care so much about people you've never met. To be allowed into their pain in a way you're not allowed into people's lives sometimes.

With all of that though, the tears I've shed, the pain I feel for them... I wouldn't give it up. I love them. I love the support I've found. I love that there is a world where we can share these innermost scary thoughts, that we can purge ourselves. I love that we can share ourselves and know that we can find support. Today, I want you to support these women. I want you to click, to visit, to tell them anything. Whether it's a prayer you can offer, positive energy you can send their way, a virtual hug, or a word or two of comfort, it matters. They need you, in the same way that I've needed you and you've been there for me.

Audrey ~ If you've been around here, you've heard about Audrey before. She's one of my closest online friends, and an amazing and awesome woman. She has her struggles, but she has a big heart, and she's always been there for me. Auds has actually been having some more up times lately, but there are still struggles. Like Facebook jerks. Seriously people? In any case, she can use your love.

Janet ~ I think Janet is strong. If you read through her archives, you'll see the trials she's gone through, and she almost always handles it with a smile or a joke. She is funny, and she is fiercely in love with her kids. Her pride in them is pretty awesome. Well, sometimes things just get overwhelming. It happens to us all, right?

Mama Bee ~ Mama Bee is hilarious. She is one of the most hilarious women I read, and also somehow manages to title every blog post with a song title. So not something I can do. She's been sick. Real sick. Like me, except without the baby. Which is a whole second reason she should be lifted up. See, she wants another baby. But it hasn't been in the cards (yet). I know how hard that is, I remember the anger and the frustration and the want. So, just love her up, kay?

Adam ~ All right, so it might be true that Adam is not a lady. It also might be true that his life is going all right at this point. However, Adam has friends. Friends he loves fiercely who happen to be having some hard times. So, why is he on this list? Because in reading his post today, I was reminded that sometimes, supports need supports too. Because I think you should read his blog. At first, you'll probably be impressed because it's kinda funny and witty and if you're like me, sarcasm is alwaysa plus. Then after a while, you'll realize that this guy is kinda awesome, and that the kind of friendship he offers to those he cares about is pretty cool, and maybe you'll be happy he's a part of our community and want to tell him so.

Casey ~ I love Casey. She probably doesn't know me, but she is one of my favorite lady bloggers. She is adorable, she is faithful, she is an amazing photographer and she's funny. I hope that I'll be able to meet her one day. Right now, she's going through hard times. I don't know all the details, but I know she is struggling. I know that she is amazing and supportive, and right now she needs to be lifted up.

Britt ~ Britt is the one who really inspired this post. Just read this. It will absolutely take your breath away, and if you don't want to just sweep Britt away and hug her tight and take away her pain, I will eat my shirt. She is a strong woman, she is amazing, but right now she is going through something unthinkable. Even without the details, I cry when I think of her. I know that right now, it's hard for her to see the future, it's hard for her to see that there will be light and love and wonder and things will be okay, someday. So, we need to keep reminding her that she's not alone, that there is love out here, and that she will make it.

That's all for now. Do you know someone who needs a lift? Leave it in the comments. Even if it's you. And thanks for being part of this weird, wonderful little world inside my computer.

I Want It

I have gone back and
forth, over and over, no
decisions have come

It's not the same this
time around, desperation
is absent this time

I cuddle a new
baby in my arms, I smell
her baby smell, sweet

My heart does not ache.
Also gone is the fear, the
thought that my strength lacks

Two would be too much,
in the past year my head and
heart have assured me

Things have changed now, though.
We are settling and calming,
new home and new future

I realized this
week, I want you, I will seek
you, my number two

I feel it now, and I don't know the road ahead. Last time, it was hard. Two years and four inseminations before I was blessed. What will it be this time? 15 pounds lighter, thyroid healthier, PCOS being treated, hormones on a better course, healthier. Will it make a difference? No way to know. I have been unsure, what we could handle, what Sam could handle. He is older now. We are in a different situation now. It's not like last time, I am not desperate or longing. It's not frantic, but a solid thought in my mind. I want to be pregnant again. Wish me luck, and pray for a shorter and easier road this time around.

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In Court

Her desperation
is real, solid and pungent
alive and painful

Her days no longer
relaxing, no escape from
terrible shadows

As air thickens, I
try to imagine never
being truly free

Comprehension fades,
fear invades reality
my reality

Frustration, anger
confusion, no solution
it seems so unfair

If I could have one
wish today, I'd sweep her up
her daughter too and

we would fly away
somewhere sunny, no more fear
or glances behind

I can't take her though
and today the system shows
inability

Her desperation
won't end here, all I can do
is pray for mercy


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Your Light Should Burn Forever

"I'm dying" her words
jump out of the screen, attack
my senses, I freeze

Six months and change since
I saw her last, and so much
has happened since then

I want her to fight,
to want to fight but words don't
seem to be enough

She sees no light, no
happiness, no reason to
prolong suffering

Pain radiates from
her, the physical pales next
to profound heartache

When 'forever' turns
to, 'not now, it's not right' and
your life's love is lost

When someone else makes
the choice for you, how do you
come out of that fog?

Last October, pills
and wine, saved only by dumb
luck and circumstance

Would I have known she
was gone? I wonder as she
speaks "I should have died"

My words fail me now
but she needs to understand
she is of value

How much she has to
give, how much she has given
or where would I be?

She has been sick for
a long time, now finally
a diagnosis

Leaves her void of hope
she doesn't want to try, there
is no cure, but hope

A way to live for
years, even decades without
another attack

In my head, I beg
her to accept the treatment
to fight, to thrive, live

I worry because
I love her fiercly, I see
the good inside her

Her love for people,
the way she commits full force
her heart so loyal

I wish she could see
the people she's lifted, how
much we care for her

I wish she could feel
our love as a physical
presence, she needs it

She is strong. Full of
fire, love and compassion
but her spirit wanes

Lord, help me. I don't
know where to turn, and I need
you beside me now


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Our King of Pop, Gone

After two hours of
driving, listening to news,
I am finally home

I surprise myself
by sitting in my car, as
the tears came, sudden.

I cried in earnest
for someone I didn't know
but felt like such loss

My peers have never
experienced this before
our King of Pop, gone

We were at the zoo, four Moms and seven kids (minus mine), and she suddenly said "I've got news". I looked over at her to see a shocked look on her face as she recited the text message from her husband - Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. I was shocked, we talked a little. When we got in the car to leave, we heard his music on the radio. In the car, my friend and I tried to remember last time the radio stations played a tribute - one song after the other by an artist. The last we could remember was Jerry Garcia, who died in 1995.

It took a while for it to sink in, as I made the drive from Seattle to Bellingham, I listened to CNN - Wolf Blitzer & Anderson Cooper. I was mostly okay, until Jermaine Jackson's statement. I stopped for coffee and by the time I got home, I found myself inexplicably bawling in my car in the driveway. Even as I write this post and listen to people talk about him, I almost can't comprehend it.

I just can't believe he's gone. I wish that I'd had some way to write down some of the things I heard on CNN on my drive. I absolutely mean no disrespect by this, but a thought went through my head comparing this to 9/11. Not because it's the same kind of tragedy at all, but because when I knew what happened I was unable to pull myself away, and all I wanted to know was what? Why did this happen? And it is an event that changes the world for my generation - what other icon can you think of the same age or younger than Michael Jackson that is such an integral part of the music of that generation?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and unfortunately Michael Jackson faced some big struggles with his legal battles. My personal belief is that he did have problems. Who doesn't? But I absolutely don't believe that he harmed any children. I believe that he had mental issues, probably because of his childhood and the dysfunction in his family. I believe that he probably did have inappropriate social relationships with kids, but not in the sense that he molested them or was attracted to them - in the sense that he somehow identified with them and felt comfortable with them. And that he wanted to give love to children because he did not feel loved as a child. It's really very sad, and I think that the lawsuits that were brought against him were probably about money more than anything.

Despite any opinions you might have about his personal life, there is no denying the indescribably impact he had on music and on the musical culture in our world...

"There's really no question if you're going to talk about the most looming, dominant figure in 20th century pop music," pop-music expert and USC associate professor Josh Kun tells E! News, "Michael Jackson is that person. He became synonymous with what pop was, and what it still is today." link

"I can't find the words right now to express how deeply saddened I am by Michael's passing," Justin Timberlake wrote. "We have lost a genius and a true ambassador of not only Pop music but of all music. He has been an inspiration to multiple generations and I will always cherish the moments I shared with him on stage and all of the things I learned about music from him and the time we spent together. My heart goes out to his family and loved ones."

"May God cover you Michael. We all lift your name up in prayer. I pray for the entire JACKSON family particularly Michael's mother, children and all his fans that loved him so much," Usher wrote in a statement released by his rep. "I would not be the artist, performer, and philanthropist I am today without the influence of Michael. I have great admiration and respect for Him and I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to meet and perform with such a great entertainer, who in so many ways, transcended the culture. He broke barriers, he changed radio formats! With music, he made it possible for people like Oprah Winfrey and Barack Obama to impact the mainstream world. His legacy is unparalleled. Michael Jackson will never be forgotten."

Neil Portnow, president of the Recording Academy, which honored Jackson with 13 Grammys, says, "Rarely has the world received a gift with the magnitude of artistry, talent, and vision as Michael Jackson. He was a true musical icon." link

Beyoncé said: "This is such a tragic loss and a terrible day. The incomparable Michael Jackson has made a bigger impact on music than any other artist in the history of music. He was magic. He was what we all strive to be. He will always be the king of pop! Life is not about how many breaths you take, but about how many moments in life that take your breath away. For anyone who has ever seen, felt, or heard his art, we are all honored to have been alive in this generation to experience the magic of Michael Jackson. I love you Michael.”

Chairman and CEO of Sony Music Entertainment Tommy Mottola said "It’s the death of an American icon," the mogul tells USA TODAY. "There are three people that stand out in my mind -- Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. That's the triumvirate that sums up American popular culture, iconic people became worldwide figures with worldwide popularity in the music industry … He was "the single most talented person I’ve ever known. There was every aspect of creativity, as a performer -- from the early days with the Jackson Five and being biggest phenomenon in the world -- and as a songwriter, (he wrote) some of the most outstanding and memorable songs you ever will hear. His videos were groundbreaking -- he defined the video age. He was the person who married video and music more than any individual ever did or ever will …He was a rare and beautiful and gifted and extraordinarily talented person. ... I think the pressure of this quote on quote comeback was overwhelming to Michael, because it was being billed and staged as a comeback, and that’s incredible pressure. It's overwhelming."

Beginning in his childhood, and throughout his life, he was an artist that spanned race, culture and generations. His music, his lyrics, his unique style and voice, and his dancing were amazingly huge influences on artists that came after him. His death is being compared to Elvis & John Lennon, and I feel like those are valid comparisons. He was an amazing artist.

He was also a brother, a son, and a father, and for his family, as with any family who loses one of it's members, I am sad. There is a part of me that's confused by my response, and feeling so connected to the loss. After all, I'm not a superfan. I have some CDs, but I don't have them all and I wouldn't necessarily list him on a list of my favorite artists. But I also realize in hearing all the clips on the radio how much of his music I know, and that's somewhat remarkable.

In the end, I really just want to pay tribute to one of the greatest stars out there, someone who struggled in life and still managed to provide so many amazing things for this world and the people in it. Someone who contributed amazingly to everything from music to blending music styles to dance to music videos. Someone who can make you smile. Go ahead, I dare you to listen to this, and not to smile...



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TGIF

This week? Really hard.
Bedtime troubles, busy jobs,
and intense trainings.

Then yesterday, and
early morning followed by
a sad, sudden bye.

Good things existed,
a wonderful piece of mail,
and our love, family.

All in all? No doubt
I'm glad this week is done, now
let's start the next one.

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Haiku Randomosity

Did you say bedtime?
I run screaming in terror,
for it is awful.

I have no answers
only questions. And last night?
"Only" took two hours!

Yeah... so bedtime has sucked a little bit lately. Oh wait, did I say a LITTLE bit? I meant a LOT! I am sort of at the end of my rope. It's the one MAJOR struggle we have with Sam. He's such a good kid, this is the one area where we're a little lost at what to do. Nothing seems to be working, so we're devising a plan. More about this next week - it needs a full post!

I was on my stoop,
I hope it makes you proud to
yell at a toddler

I heard what you said
Motherly rage reared up - I
swear, I'll pound you, bitch!

So today Sam was being a total jerk about bedtime and throwing a giant fit, so Justin took him in the bedroom and he was screaming and I was starving and at the end of my rope, so I grabbed one of the only things in the fridge - a wine cooler - and sat out on the front stoop. I could hear people in the next yard over talking. Suddenly I heard this: "...hear... through the window, DAMNIT!". I fully admit that I did not hear the whole sentence, and that it could have been referring to something else. But I got the feeling that the woman next door was YELLING AT MY TODDLER. Or at us. About how she could hear him screaming through the window.

There is a tiny bit of background, our neighbors are a little strange, and I've only ever talked to the husband, and even that is very sparingly. The wife has this vibe, she never smiles at us, never says hi, and I always feel this aura of dislike around her. I really don't think she likes us for whatever reason. So, I immediately convinced myself that she was talking about us. In which case...

WTF?! Do you think we LIKE it when he cries like that? What are we supposed to do about it, let him run wild and have no discipline and become a total asshole when he grows up? BTW, as far as I know this woman has no children, they are probably in their 30s (he might be in his 40s) and they've never had any kids around their house. I was SO mad that I came in the house and told Justin to go eat while I tried putting Sam to bed b/c I was so mad I couldn't even eat my dinner.

Trepidation, fear,
nervousness, but most of all
excitement and hope.

Tomorrow is my
first day of training, a new
volunteering job

I'll become support,
an advocate,an ear to
hear stories, hold strong

Another link in
a bridge of hope, of change for
people who need it

I am very excited, tomorrow I start training to be a volunteer for a nonprofit Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services organization in town. It's something I've felt called to do for a while now, and that I finally managed to get an application in for and interview for last month. After I go through training, there are several options for the kinds of volunteer work I can do - answering the hotline, acting as an advocate to people involved in court cases, acting as an advocate for people at the hospital etc. I know it's not going to be easy. I know that this is a really heavy thing to do for volunteer work. I just feel drawn to do it, and I hope that I'll do well in training and be good at this.

Holy crap, it's hot.
My house is like a sauna
and it's barely June!

So... we have a little house. It's probably around 700 square feet. We have a big bay window in the front of the house, and in the morning the sun comes in and heats up the whole living room/dining room. The front door comes into a tiny hallway at an angle from the window. The two windows in the living room and one in the dining room don't open. The bedrooms are off on the side and there is virtually no way to create a draft through the house. It's effing hot in here. Putting Sam to bed last night sucked because I was SO HOT and of course he wants to still cuddle and be touching. At least this year we have a hand-me-down air conditioner in our bedroom window!

I admit I love
TV more than is likely
healthy... but who cares?

Finale alley
is done, did you see House or
SVU? SO GOOD!

Summer brings a few
exciting premiers, what will
you be watching now?

Just watched the Law & Order: SVU season finale last night, and it was so good! I totally didn't expect that guy to go bad. The House season finale was also great, I am looking forward to the start of next season and seeing where it goes. Grey's Anatomy? Total and utter craziness. My theory? Izzy lives, George dies. I definitely think one of them is really dead. After the show was over, I went on YouTube and watched the last 5 minutes of the episode about 5 more times. Once I knew it was George, I totally could tell, but I did not guess it during the episode.

I got to watch the last few episodes of Eli Stone that never aired (they showed on SciFi in the UK), and I liked the last episode. I thought it was excellent, and of course I'm still disappointed that it got cancelled.

As for summer shows? My very favorite summer show, So You Think You Can Dance? IT'S BACK! I have only watched the first episode so far, and I totally almost cried when Brandon came back and danced and Mary was sobbing. He was absolutely amazing, and I can't wait to see him on the show. Of course I am really looking forward to season 2 of True Blood. We also like Burn Notice, Eureka, Monk, Psych, Weeds, and I'm going to try out the new show Nurse Jackie and see how that is.

Yesterday I shipped
two special packages, one
to England, one... not!

The first a special
gift, a Spirit jump for a
woman needing love.

The second a prize,
the best from my home town, to
share why I love here!

I am very excited about these packages. The first one was a Spirit Jump for a woman in England. I'm going to post about Spirit Jump soon, but I also have a button over in the sidebar. It's basically a way for anyone who has time and motivation to send gifts/cards/well wishes to people who are fighting cancer. It's a very cool program. When I heard about this woman, and that she loves Africa, I knew that I had the perfect thing. My Dad travels to Africa several times a year for his job, and I have a few African baskets that are so pretty to have around, so I sent one. I hope that it brings a little bit of sunshine to her life.

The second package was for Shannon's Hometown Swap. It should arrive in Georgia by Monday - do you know who you are?! I can't wait to get my package and see where and who it came from!

Haiku Friday: WTF Edition

"proud non-reader of
books. I like to get infor-
mation from doing...

stuff like actually
talking to people and liv-
ing real life." Brilliant.

"I am not a fan
of books. I would never want
a book's autograph"

Then this gem: "Mom said
believe in my flyness and
conquer my shyness."

The "best" thing I read this week was definitely this article from Reuters: "Proud Non-reader Kanye West Turns Author". The article starts with the brilliantly written opening sentence: "Rapper Kanye West does not read books or respect them but nevertheless he has written one that he would like you to buy and read." Apparently the brilliant mind of our time, Kanye West, has managed to write a 52 page book. In which appear gems like "I hate the word hate!" spread amongst sparse text and blank pages. West refers to his wisdom as "Kanye-isms".

Apparently, this college dropout son of a university English professor things that books are kinda stupid. Of his mother, West said "She raised me to be the voice to allow people to think for themselves, to find their own way." What a tribute this book is to his mother, to whom it is dedicated. "Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. Well, Kanye, thank goodness your book is not WORDY. As for the self-absorbed part...

Here is what I learned:

1. Kanye West is awesome (in his own head)
2. I'm really, really glad that kids have this awesome role model to encourage them to read and learn.
3. Celebrities are brilliant.

***

"Shush girl, shut your lips,
do the Helen Keller and
talk with your hips" - WHAT?

Dude, what? These are some lyrics to the song "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3. In case you're perplexed by that name (as I was), it's Three Oh Three, which is the area code for Denver, which is where the recording studio is who put out the album containing this song (which I'm sure is just brilliant).

Why is this okay? I don't get it. Why is this in any way acceptable? Especially after how pissed people got about that Black Eyed Peas song. You know, the one where the original version is "Let's Get Retarded", but most people don't know that because they had to change it to "Let's Get it Started" to get it played on the radio.

Am I the only one who finds this a little bit appalling?

***

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Three: Love of our lives, always

In the before time,
you were longed for. For two long
years, we waited, hoped.

Then you swam inside,
I loved you from the moment
I knew you were there.

Your birthday came, and
I held you to me for the
first time, miracle.

Suddenly you were
ONE, where did the time go? I
saw you crawl, walk.

A blink and you were
TWO, you began to know just
what you wanted... now!

Tomorrow, you'll be
THREE. You are tall and blonde, love
of our lives, always.

Dear Sam,

Tomorrow, you're going to be three years old. It's hard to believe that you've been with us so long. Sometimes I feel like time is escaping me, and I'm not sure where it's running off to. I can remember so vividly the first days with you. I would lie there and just stare at you as you slept, amazed by you.

I am still amazed by you. You're tall now, and when I carry you, I have to make sure you bend your legs to help balance your weight. Not that I can carry you for long, like I used to. Sometimes you ride on my shoulders, but these days you prefer to ride in a stroller or walk hand in hand. Your hair is still blonde, but it's not as platinum as when you were born. I hoped it would stay that way, and I can't wait for it to get lighter over the summer as you get some sun.

I still stare at your face, when I get the chance. You're constantly in motion, and when you aren't, you're often sitting on my lap. You still have the most amazing blue eyes and soft skin, and the other day I noticed your nose is starting to change a little bit - you're starting to gain your true appearance. Once that happens, you will have grown out of your babyhood completely. I can't wait for it, and at the same time, I will miss the soft round wideness of your baby nose.

Last year we were worried on your birthday because you weren't talking. This year, we know you have a lot to learn, but you are talking more and more every day. Today I asked if you wanted to touch a tree and you said "Don't want to touch tree, mama". You love Spongebob Squarepants, and we're hard pressed to get you to give anything else a chance on TV right now. You like a book I got before you were born called "Tickets to Ride". You still love cars and trains, and you're interested in boats too.

You love to eat hummus straight from the container, and you have been enjoying macaroni & cheese lately. You haven't been eating french fries, but last weekend we went to Wendy's and you polished off 10 chicken nuggets! You take after me in one area - you love chocolate and sweets. Sometimes we have to rid the house of them to get you off a kick of asking for it first thing in the morning.

It's a bittersweet time for me right now. You see, in a month or two I'm going to have to go to work. Unfortunately, we just can't afford for me NOT to work right now. I wish it could be different. I know that you will be okay. I know that I got to be with you during your first years, for three whole years, which I think is the most important time to be at home. I know that you will enjoy day care, playing with other kids, and that it will help your speech develop. But I know all of those things in my head. In my heart, I ache. I just want to be with you. You will probably not remember this time when you get older. Your dad, me, your whole family - we are so committed to you and your well being that I know you'll be fine. Better than fine, you will always be loved, cherished, and taught the right way to live. For now, you'll just have to understand when I hug you that much tighter, and kiss your face that much more when I see you after a long day.

I wish that there were words to share with you the way I feel about you, how proud I am of you, how amazed I am every day, but there just aren't. We're having a birthday party on Saturday, and you're going to be surrounded by people who love you. It's the first year that you understand what a birthday party is, that presents are for opening, and that birthday parties inevitably lead to birthday cake. I can't wait to watch you experience all of it.

Happy Birthday, bubba. You take my breath away.

Love,
Mommy

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Love

Sometimes, life is hard
I struggle to pull myself
up and fly again

Happiness comes though,
every day in hugs, kisses,
and conversations

Some days are special,
shining blindingly bright in
front of me, warming

The people in my
life are the beacons of hope
my love is endless

I read for as long as I can, until the motion of the bus invades my stomach and the vibration of the page is too much.

I mark my page and switch off the tiny light. The result is total darkness, I lean my head back and reflect.

Hours spent with friends today. Two in particular, our time in the car full of conversation, camaraderie and confidences. My heart swells with my love for them, puffing out like a marshmallow in the microwave, filling my chest and the corners of my mind.

My confidants. My supports. These are my women.

I see my life as it is. There are holes, uncertainties. But some things remain - friendships like a light in the dark, they take me away and let me fly.

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Normal is relative

My whirlwind tour of
St. Louis is half over
I wish it wasn't!

Sitting next to my
sister - 10 years old and lives
across the country

Dad sits on the couch
sharing bits and pieces of
todays New York Times

Sun is out today
birds chirp outside the window
It feels so normal

But I know that in
two days, it's back to life as
it normally is

I know I will miss
them. Sometimes, I cry at the
airport after byes.

So for now, I sign
off - there are gardens and zoos,
butterflies to see

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Center of my World

Home from date night, at
ten p.m., and through the window
I see a blonde tuft

'He's still up' I sigh
as we walk towards the house, I
see him on the couch

On grandma's lap, in
only a diaper, we walk in
'I tried my darndest'

He cries when they leave,
was fussy while we were gone, and
now overtired

I lie with him on
the couch, he zones out to the
soft sounds of Spongebob

I wrap my arm now
around his waist, and feel his
hair tickle my face

Only moments now
until his breathing deepens
and slows, tiny snores

I don't feel annoyed,
not today. I only feel
thankful for his life.

I get to hold him
close to me, he won't be a
baby forever

It's been a tough week,
emotions have run high, and
thoughts have gone to dark

Now I try to hold
every moment, slow the clock
fill my heart with love

My little boy, my
love, center of my world, I
can't breathe without him

Yesterday was one of the quietest days I've experienced in the blogosphere since I started blogging and filling my reader and twitter with friends and people I admire. I think that the bloggy world was tired, hundreds of moms and dads spent the day on Wednesday crying, imagining, and trying to figure out how we could help do something - anything - for Heather and Mike Spohr.

My son was at the babysitter, and I spent the day relaxing. After the babysitter, my Mom was over to watch him for date night. When we got home, I was bummed at first that he was still up. It was WAY past his bedtime, and he should've been asleep. We came into the house, and he'd been fussy the whole time we were gone. He cried when we left. He didn't eat dinner. And he wouldn't go to bed. I guess we learned our lesson about doing Babysitter & Date Night in the same day - too much!

He cried when Grandma left, but quickly climbed onto the couch, and in minutes we were lying under a blanket together watching Spongebob with my arm around him. It was only moments until he fell asleep. Today, I didn't feel anxious. I didn't feel upset that he was still up. Instead I just savored the feeling of his warm skin, the touch of his hair on my face.

These are moments that will be engraved in me forever. Hopefully I will grow old with a healthy son, and hold these moments as only a few of the ones I cherish, remembering the old days as I cherish the new. Right now, all I know is that I love him. That one day, we'll grow apart as all parents and children must, but for now I will hold him while he sleeps, listen to his breathing, and thank God for the gift of this wonderful little person.

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Loud but Awesome

I must be getting
old, I thought, 'cause that was LOUD
but I still loved it

A long awaited
show, since I fell in love with
Every Second Counts

It's been awhile since
I stood in the dark, letting
loud music take me

Feeling the bass and
drums inside, the floor shaking
underfoot, rhythm

A band you love, in
a small club, you stand so close
there's nothing like it

I have been waiting for the Plain White T's to come to Seattle for over a year. When "Hey There Delilah" was becoming really popular, I went out and bought Every Second Counts. It doesn't happen very often that I buy a CD and listen, and love every single song. That I can listen to over and over, know all the lyrics, and not have one or two or a bunch of songs that I skip over. Since then, I've been checking their website for tour info waiting for them to come here.

I got to see them last night at Neumo's in Seattle. One of the things I love about Seattle is being able to see bands in these small venues. Before I met my friend Violet, I wasn't really introduced to the world of these places, I was accustomed to Arena concerts and nosebleed seats. It's really amazing to go to a small, dark club and stand 20 feet away (or less) than a band you really like and listen to them play.

So, this was a pretty good concert! The lead singer, Tim, is kind of a medium on the 'cocky' scale. Not friendly like Damien from OK Go, but definitely not dripping with "I know you want to sleep with me" like Adam from Maroon 5. But really, who cares, because this is what I kept my eyes on:

Guitarist Tim Lopez seems like the sort of guy that wouldn't say a lot, but when he did, it would mean something, and then he would pick you up and sweep you away. Um, what? Oh, yeah, he also is a good guitarist and sings vocals for a few songs.

Despite the fact that Tom liked to insert "Seattle" and shout out to Seattle way too many times, and the fact that during the very first part of the show the vocals weren't up high enough on his mike, I really enjoyed myself! "You and Me" is not one of my favorite songs off Every Second Counts, but I found that I really enjoyed it live, and a little louder. I loved De'Mar Hamilton on the drums, because he was totally rocking the fuck OUT. It was pretty great.

Now I need to go check out some of their older stuff, they played a few that I didn't know that were from older albums, and I liked them.

It's been a while since I got to go to a show, and I'm so glad I did. It's a weekend of music for me, tomorrow night I'll be going to Chop Suey to see OK Go, and can't wait. I've seen them with Violet 3 times, and they always put on a great show. Chop Suey is small, so I know it will be great, and after all Damien Kulash is the musician who made me realize that sweaty guys can be hot. If they got that way by rocking out in front of me. Ha.

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Photo Credit: Florida Entertainment Scene

Shadows Cast In Light

When my eyes fill with
the beginnings of tears, and
my breath starts to catch

I run. I grab my
favorite blanket, wrap myself
in it's warmth and sit

The air is cold out
here on our front stoop, but the
world is resting here

Screams I can't handle
replaced by the sound of cars
passing on freeway

Faint drumming from
a neighbors garage, the slow
roll of cars passing

I stare at shadows
cast in light, refocus and
try to forget the

shadows in my mind,
doubts, instincts, and fears I can't
seem to escape now

I know that I've written about this more than once lately, but honestly it's the biggest and most distressing issue going on with our kid right now. Sam is great. He doesn't throw many tantrums. He is mostly a happy kid, and we spend the majority of our days playing, running around, tickling, laughing and having fun. But at bedtime, things change. We read our stories, we put on his CD and lie down. Then Daddy or Mommy gets up to leave the room and the fight begins.

I know we are supposed to be 'training' him to go to bed on his own. I know that this is supposedly the 'right' thing to do. I know that I sleep better when he's not in our bed at night. But how can him crying and begging one of us to lie down with him for over an hour at bedtime be good for ANYONE in this family?

Okay, so it's not that bad every night. Some night he doesn't really cry much, and I only have to put him back in bed a couple of times, then he stays there and goes to sleep. But then we have a night like Wednesday where every instinct I have is telling me that this is stupid, but I am confused.

I just feel like we're not making any progress. Wednesday night he was so worked up, it was horrible. He was crying, really crying, yelling, begging. I sat out on our front stoop in the cold for an hour because I couldn't bear to be in the house listening to his cries, the sound of the door opening and closing, and Justin putting him back in bed. We've been at this for weeks, I just want to know when there's going to be a light at the end of this tunnel? It makes me wish that we hadn't switched him out of his crib. Maybe he wasn't ready. I don't know. All I know is that he was going to bed okay and sleeping all night, and now he's not.

Maybe it's because when he wakes up in the middle of the night, we sometimes let him come in our bed. My loose rule was if it was after 6 AM then Sam could come into our bed. But a couple of nights a week he's waking up too much, or being too difficult, and we let him in there. Justin thinks that's why he is having so much trouble, because we're not being consistent with his nightly wakings.

The problem is, I have enough trouble dealing with this ONCE a night, at bedtime. The idea of repeating it once or twice in the middle of the night is horrifying to me, even if after a couple of weeks of doing that it might be done forever. Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and do it - maybe I became spoiled and forgot that when you have a kid you don't get to have a good night's sleep sometimes. I don't know. All I know is that at 2 in the morning I'm so tired I don't know where I'm supposed to find the strength and energy to sit there and put a 35 pound almost three year old back in his bed a bunch of times.

On the average night, he wakes up 5-10 times during the night and needs to be put back into his bed and tucked in by one of us. Last night, he might have only woken twice, but I remember he was crying one of those times. It's surprising to wake up at 8 in the morning and not have him in my room, or in my bed. Tuesday night he flipped out so bad in the middle of the night that we brought him into our bed. He was screaming and flailing in the middle of the night.

Does he have bad dreams? I don't know, how do you explain dreams to a three year old? Is he afraid of something? Or does he just really like being close to mommy and Daddy? I spend most of my days in contact with him. When we play at home he's often sitting on my lap, having my arms around him, wrestling or tickling with me. Maybe it's unreasonable to expect him to give that up when it's time for bed.

It's all a lot of questions, but I don't have answers.

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Watch Watchmen

Finally here, so
highly anticipated,
and I couldn't wait!

Borrowed the comic
from my best friend, but never
got a chance to read.

Still, excited for
the movie, so when date night
rolled around, we went!

Loved 300 and
LOVED Watchmen just as much, it
was so amazing!

My Mom has been nice enough to watch Sam once a week for the past few weeks sot hat Justin and I could go out together, spend some time together, and reconnect. It's been really great - last week we enjoyed a night out in Bellingham, went out to dinner, went for a walk and to a local book store. This week we went to see Watchmen, which I have been excited about for a long time.

I am a huge fan of comic book/graphic novel based movies. I generally enjoy them (except Sin City, which I sort of hated), and I also like supporting the genre so that more will get made. I saw 300 in the theater and absolutely LOVED it. I have it on DVD, but haven't watched it in a while. I loved the stylization and the way the movie so invoked a graphic novel.

I knew I would enjoy Watchmen, but I didn't realize exactly how much! I had borrowed the graphic novel from my friend in hopes of reading it before the movie came out, and that didn't happen, but after seeing the movie I still want to read it so I can compare some.

There was so much good about this movie. The casting was absolutely amazing, and Jackie Earle Haley was absolutely perfect as Rorschach. He played the part so well, and looking back at the graphic novel, he had the perfect look for the part too. He was scary, mysterious, broken and brutal, everything he needed to be. There were several actors in this that I wasn't very familiar with, and especially liked the casting of Nite Owl.

The style of the film was great too, from the very beginning scene where The Comedian is murdered, you could tell just how the movie's visuals were going to play out. Speaking of The Comedian, Jeffrey Dean Morgan? I loves him. He was really good in this, just the perfect mix of tough, crazy, and hero. The action sequences were great, and they did an amazing job of filling in the back story. It was also completely accessible to us as people who hadn't read the graphic novel, which was great. This one also has an incredible soundtrack, and I loved the use of music.

I find also that I really enjoy parallel realities - in the world of Watchmen Nixon has been in office for several terms and it takes place in the 1980's, but in a different world.

We were at the theater for 3 hours, but we didn't notice. This is the kind of movie that you sit through and sort of hope it won't have to end. Definitely my favorite movie of the year so far. Go see it this weekend!

You can read two more reviews here:

Maria @ Immoral Matriarch: ETC is a huge fan of this graphic novel, and has read it several times, so her insight into the movie is definitely trustworthy!

Shana at Utterances will tell you about one aspect of this movie you'll definitely have a hard time forgetting.

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Fading Slowly

Twelve hours later
it sticks in my head like glue,
settles in my gut

Random thoughts crop up
I can't forget it, no peace
for my mind today

Images, feelings,
innate reactions so strong
I can't stomach it

It's hard to believe
now, that it was only a
dream - fading slowly

Do you ever have a dream that sticks with you throughout the day? I have them often. I dream very vividly and my dreams are very involved. Sometimes I think about them throughout the day, wondering what they mean. My dreams often involve people from my past that I've lost touch with, and I walk about throughout the day with a vague sense of longing for those connections. But in general, they pass. They make me contemplate, but they don't upset me.

Usually.

The other night, I had a dream. It was vivid, and it was long. In the dream, Justin told me he was leaving me. He told me in a public place, and I was completely blindsided. I was in disbelief as I tried to gather my belongings, and couldn't function. I didn't know what to do or where to go. Worst of all, I didn't know WHY. In the dream, I called him the next day. There were things to be taken care of, most of all I wasn't sure if he'd really been serious, if this was really what he wanted. He confirmed it. There was Sam to think about. I asked him why. I don't really remember what was said, I do remember that he said that we hadn't been getting along and that I was too negative.

I woke feeling completely unsettled. I tried to forget about it, but it stuck with me. Throughout the day, when the dream would pop into my mind, I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. I have tears in my eyes right now just writing about it and remembering it. I don't have nightmares often, and this isn't the kind of dream I would generally classify as a nightmare. But it was extremely upsetting.

I was surprised by my reaction. I don't usually become unsettled, unglued, I don't usually become so affected by dreams, even when they're scary or bad, they don't stick in my head, not like this one. Every time I thought about it, it was like I'd been in a real fight with Justin, and I just wanted to call him and reassure myself that it was only a dream.

What did it mean? Why did I dream this? I can say that lately things around here have been stressful. Justin and I have both been stressed out, and we haven't been connecting as much as we need to. But we're still happy for the most part. We do connect on a day to day level, and there is an enormously huge gap between this little rough patch and any kind of relationship altering event like that in my dream.

So, why? Maybe it's God reminding me how good things really are. That we have a great marriage and our relationship is solid. That even to imagine not being together bring me so much pain that it takes my breath away. I guess sometimes we have to remember what bad is to know how good things really are. I feel tremendously lucky despite the hardships we've faced together these past couple of years. I guess sometimes I forget to be thankful, and to let Justin know how much I love him even when we don't always get along. We all need a little reminder sometimes, a mirror to reflect in. Maybe this was mine.

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Wordpress Wary

Have you noticed it?
The identity crisis
that my blog suffers?

Lately, I have made
changes to backgrounds, headers,
colors, layout, look.

The way it looks, it
hasn't made me happy so
I keep changing it

Wordpress lurks, peeking
at me around a corner -
I know it wants me

But I am afraid
Do I have the brains for it?
Technology fright!

Okay, so here's the thing. Clearly, as you can tell by my changing header and background, I am not happy with the appearance of my blog. There are things I want to do with the design that I can't really do here. Wordpress has some cool features, and my husband thinks I should make the switch. But... well, I admit it, I'm afraid. It's more complicated and more techy than blogger, which is pretty close to point and click. But I feel like if I switch, I can make my blog more my own, does that even make sense?

I have questions, and I don't really know the answers. So, here is my cry for help - if you use Wordpress or have switched to it from another blog, let me know if you have any advice or answers for me!

Is there a way to have categories on Wordpress like I have labels on Blogger? When you import a blog to WP it automatically converts the labels into tags, which when you click them will take you to all WP posts with that tag instead of just YOUR posts with that tag.

What exactly does it mean to self host? What is involved in that?

How much do you really have to know to create your own WP template? Is it easy to learn?

What are the biggest advantages of switching or not?

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Heartbreakingly Beautiful

The world is full of
amazing stories, they can
touch your heart daily

Ishmael Beah is
from Sierra Leone, now
lives here, in New York

Only thirteen, he
was trained to kill, ruthlessly
and without remorse

Threatened, he skirted
death many times, but he made
it, he survived it

Heartbreaking in it's
language, events, and in the
lives of his people

"There were all kinds of stories told about the war that made it sound as if it was happening in a faraway and different land." So begins the memoirs of Ishmael Beah.

Born in Sierra Leone in 1980, Beah is the same age as me, but has been through things in his lifetime that I cannot even bear to imagine. I picked this book up over a year ago, probably fairly close to the time I saw Blood Diamond in the theater and my heart was wrenched by the idea that in this time, there are still child soldiers trained to fight in this world.

To read more about Beah, and my review of his book, head over to SNOTW Presents.

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For Valentines Day - A Different Kind of Love

I loved you before
you were born, I sang to you
and told you I did

"I love you", words I
whispered for the first time, in
a hospital room

"I love you" as I
rocked you, through first cries, first teeth,
baths, bites, steps, and falls.

"I love you" as you
grew, so tall, your face losing
pudge, becoming boy.

"I love you" as I
hold you while you watch favorite
shows, nuzzling your hair.

"I love you" as we
switch from crib to big bed,
changes as you grow.

"I love you" and then
one day, words I'd seen in your
eyes since you were small.

"I love you" and I
melt, hearing it the first time -
"I lubbu Mama."

Mabel's Labels Makes Dreams Come True

Blogher '09, it's
only a dream to me, I
can't make it happen

The money is non-
existent, if not for that
I'd be there so fast

I want to meet YOU,
are you going? Please, can't you
just take me with you?!

I discovered this
long shot out there and I would
be crazy not to try!

Hey, guess what? The nice people over at Mabel's Labels are going to make one lucky blogger's dream come true by sending them to Blogher '09 in Chicago! You can find more information about the contest here. I would love to be at Blogher '09, but I just don't financially have the means to do it myself this year. So, I decided that I would throw my hat int he ring over at Mabel's Labels. So now, I have to tell you all about what the rewards and benefits have been of participating in the blogger community.

I started blogging 'for real' in the spring of 2008. I had dabbled before, but hadn't done anything to increase my readership or get involved in the blogging community. Suddenly, there I was. I wanted to write, and I wanted to communicate with other writers. I used to write a lot when I was younger, poetry and short stories, but I got a job, got a husband, had a kid, and all of that fell by the wayside. When my husband and I moved home to Bellingham, which is a much more artistic community than where we had been living, I started to feel creative again and realized that I needed an outlet, and that I missed the writing community I used to be a part of.

I wrote, and I discovered. I filled my Google Reader with amazing writers who I admired. I commented, I read about their lives. I laughed and I cried. Some of them came. They read my blog, they commented. Less than a year later, I feel like I am really a part of something amazing. When I have a bad day, I know someone out there has had the same day. When my son does something funny or amazing, I know there are people out there who will laugh or be proud with me. When I feel hopeless, there are voices speaking to me and giving that hope back.

I have learned a lot from these people who I've never met. I have shared their heartache, their frustration, their love and their pride. I have been reminded how blessed I am time and time again. There are those I know if I met them in the flesh that I would be starstruck, even though I know they are normal women from day to day. There are others that I imagine it would be like seeing an old friend again, and others that I would run up to and hug as hard as I could then buy them a martini.

There is a special bond between mothers, between writers, between women. I have seen amazing things here - when someone experiences a tragedy, I have seen the word spread like wildfire until hundreds of people are praying for peace, for recovery, for whatever is needed. I am able to use the time I have to pray for people who really need it.

I write for them. I write to share with them. I write to tell my story to those who will understand. I write to have a voice. I write to let someone else know that they are not alone. I write because I am compelled, because it's in my blood. But I do not write alone.

I write, and yet I cannot find the words to express what it all means to me. What have I found in this community? I've found myself again.

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