And I wondered how the economic downturn would hit us...

Today my boss called me, for what I thought was a check-in call because we missed our meeting last Friday.  Instead, she told me she'd just gotten out of a meeting with the CEO and that my position is being eliminated.  I work part time, mostly from home, in the office once a week.  I worked there for 18 months, quit to have Sam, went back after 18 months and have been back for almost a year.

The layoff comes without warning.  I know that the economy is taking a downturn.  I know that my position was the only part time position in the company.  I feel in my heart that our CEO was never completely happy with my work from home arrangement, despite the fact that my performance was not affected.  I know that they'd delayed hiring for 2 open positions until next year.  But I haven't been involved in the accounting side of things for the last year, and I didn't realize there were financial worries.  Unfortunately, when they started looking at not making the numbers like they wanted to this year, my position was the first to go.  The duties of my HR Administrator position will be absorbed by other employees.

My last day is in a week.  ONE WEEK.  I don't have another job.  There is no severance.  I don't know what we're going to do.  I can't believe that in the last 8 months we've both lost good jobs, that I don't know what will come next for me, that we're declaring bankruptcy, that we're going to owe over $10,000 in taxes from last year when Justin actually had a great job.  That in a week, we will no longer have the income to live, even on the tight budget we've started following.  I didn't make that much - $800 to $1000 take-home pay a month.  But it was ENOUGH.  Enough to keep us floating.  Enough to make sure we could afford all of our utility bills and health insurance and food.

When I got off the phone, I was in shock.  I didn't feel upset.  I mostly felt disappointed that I was losing this job that fit so perfectly into my life.  It kept me in HR so I wasn't just sitting out of the marketplace for years.  It let me work from home so that I could keep Sam with me and not put him in daycare.  I went in once a week and got some grown up time, used my brain.  I got to do something I loved, for a company I believe in.  By the time Justin got home, I felt unsettled.  He called my Mom to see if she could watch Sam so we could get out of the house.  We all went out to pizza together, then Justin and I went to see "Ghost Town".  By the end, I'd cried some - inevitible for me at a romantic comedy.  Suddenly, as the credits rolled, the tears came.  I stopped before heading to the parking lot, but when "Let it Be" came on the radio on the way home, I cried again.

I'm not just disappointed.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I can't find another job that will fit our lives so perfectly.  I could get a full time job, but that would mean putting Sam in daycare, which kind of breaks my heart.  I could get a part time job, but doing what?  Retail?  Customer service?  That's fine, but I've been doing something I'm actually qualified for.  Inevitibly with part time jobs I'm going to a) be doing something I don't like as much b) be doing something that I'm overqualified for and c) not be getting paid as much as I need or deserve.  Not only that, but it might mean taking a job during evenings/weekends when Justin can be with Sam.  Which means less time with my family.  Obviously, I'm going to have to deal with it.  People deal with it all the time.  I'll probably have to settle for doing something that is miles below what I've been doing.

For the same reason my company couldn't afford to keep me on, other companies aren't going to be hiring either.  I don't know what we'll do if I can't find another job.  It just sucks.  I'm sorry if this is jumbled.  I'm in a really weird place right now.  I'm going to go veg out and watch TV now...  can't think anymore.