A New Beginning, Again

So, I have a confession. One that makes me feel all yucky. You know how after I had Danny, I was down 20 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight? I've gained 10 of it back.

If I tried now to explain how I feel about this, one of the first words that comes to mind is ashamed. After that, we have embarrassed. Disappointed. Annoyed at myself for letting it happen. So, it is time. Things have to change.

Yesterday, I pulled out my Weight Watchers cookbook. I already had sticky notes on 20 or 30 recipes that most appealed to me, and I looked through and picked out 8 of them. I wrote down the ingredients needed for each recipe and made a shopping list.

Tonight I went grocery shopping. I admit that my stomach turned a little when I saw the total bill. It was A LOT.

BUT

Our cupboards were bare (literally). Our refrigerator contained a couple things of Sam's yogurt, a half eaten container of hummus, some juice and some 7-Up. So, it was a major shopping trip to begin with.

AND

I bought actual cuts of meat instead of just ground beef so I can actually cook.

I had to buy some slightly pricey staples like a new bottle of olive oil and some spices.

I bought more produce than I have ever bought in my life, and I plan to actually eat it all before it goes bad.

AND

When I left the store, I actually felt good about the things I'd purchased.

I didn't feel like someone looking in my cart would judge me because hey look at the fat lady buying all the junk food.

And guess what? This time around, starting feels... exciting. I am actually looking forward to getting back on track, to starting to take good care of myself again, to paying attention to what I'm eating and when I'm hungry. To exercising regularly and getting into better shape. I have come so far already, but I'm not there yet. I figured out yesterday where I'm at:

Starting Weight (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Current Weight (Aug 2010): 226 lbs

Weight Lost: 41 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal Weight Loss: 107 lbs
To Go: 66 lbs

I'll be going to Weight Watchers this week to re-enroll and start attending weekly meetings again. It turns out my gym membership still exists, and my very generous Mama has decided to keep it going (just another reason I love her), so I can look into when Zumba classes are since that's a form of exercise I actually enjoyed a lot. Tomorrow, I'll plan out our meals for the next 7-10 days.

I'm more motivated this time because I have come so far already, and I know that this IS possible. I'm excited to keep experiencing the things that come along with losing more, like getting rid of 1/2 my pants, being able to cross my legs comfortably, and not having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the airplane. Here's another goal: maybe when he's grown, Danny will never remember having an obese mother. Maybe he'll look at photos from when he was a baby and say, "Wow Mom, you looked different then."

Goodbye fast food, junk food, unhealthy snacks, and uncontrolled eating.

Hello to a new beginning (again).