Seriously

Dear Dad at Playground,

I am sorry I told my son to let "him" have a turn in reference to your daughter. I do not know if it upset her. Perhaps you should consider NOT letting your six year old girl with a very short haircut run around a playground with no shoes or shirt and only black pants. I didn't realize she was a girl until I later saw her pink sparkly shoes by the edge of the playground. Actually, in addition, perhaps just don't let your five and six year old girls run around the playground without shirts. It's just weird.

Thanks,
A Mom who thinks clothes in public are important

*****

Dear "banal,"

I hate you. You are one of the worst words I have ever heard. I hope that you and "chutney" jump off a cliff and die.

Sincerely,
Lover of "plethora"

*****

Dear Tyra,

I love ANTM as much as the next guy, okay? In fact, I look forward to it every season. But it's empty fluff, you do realize that right? I get that you are trying to do something different by having only models under 5'7" this season, but I seriously hope that you are not so delusional you really think you are going to "revolutionize the modeling industry" somehow. Have any of the previous winners made any impact on the modeling industry? I doubt it. It pretty much just adds "girls my height don't get the opportunity" blah blah blah. Here's an idea. How about you do a season with girls over size 14? That might actually make some kind of impression... at least on the tweens who are watching.

Sincerely,
I love you - but, really?

*****

Dear Swine Flu,

I HATE YOU. I REALLY HATE YOU. I hate the sound of my husband coughing up your phlegm. I also hate the 104 degree fever you have burning up my son, because I REALLY hate holding him down to force medicine down his throat. You totally suck. Please leave.

Sincerely,
Hoping I'm not next

*****

Dear Tiny Baby,

Dude. I know you are only 7 weeks old, but I think maybe you are starting to make me sick. I totally love you, but I have spent the last several days wondering if I am sick like the rest of my family (see above) or if this is that start of a horrifyingly miserable 5 months. Please don't be offended if I say something mean to you about how I wish you would stop making me sick. I love you, and I don't mean it. All will be forgotten.

Love,
Yo Mama

*****

Dear Strider/Puckett,

Oh, I see how it is. Now that you have been here for a week you are feeling comfortable enough to get a tuna can off the counter and lick it and pee on my bed. That better never happen again. Seriously. I am not afraid to use the crate. You are lucky you're cute. And new.

Seriously,
Yo Mama