Behind the Library

This is the first installment of a new series I've decided to write. I have tons of old journals, letters, and a shoebox full of notes from when I was in high school, and I've decided to share my ridiculous young self with all of you. If anyone out there wants to join me, I'd be happy to read all your embarrassing stuff too. I still need a good name for this series so I can make a little graphic. If you have one for me, let me know. If I choose your suggestion, I'll send you a prize. So... here we go!

2-7-98 (17 yrs old)

So here I am, sitting behind the library because I had to take Kira to tap again. It's warm and sunny, at least that's a nice change. Well, Thomas and I have been having some really nice conversations lately and I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm lucky to have him as a friend. I had a realization the other day. Gosh, maybe I'll just start with Monday. I spent the night at Sati's on Monday, she had told me before that R & L broke up. Well, on Sunday she had gotten stoned with Sarah & Allison and both of them had asked Sati if me and R were gonna hook up, so I guess others noticed what went on at the party too*. So I told Sati I would like that but I'd figured it'd never happen. So she said, well why don't you just call him and ask him to do something? Well, anyhow, she ended up calling him for me** on Wednesday night and it's a real bummer, him & L are working things out. I guess it's good for them, but they seem so wrong for each other.*** Anyhow, on Wed night I talked to Kevin for a long time and I ended up telling him how I felt. Because for some reason I told him I didn't think he knew how much I cared for him. He asked and so I told him that he was everything, how I'd thought he was the one I'd be with for a long time, how he was my every breath & that Leanne Rimes song was really how I felt. He said he didn't know I felt that way. How the fuck did he think I felt? I mean, Jesus. I loved him.**** I'd do almost anything to have him back, but he's got a new girlfriend now. Her name is K and I guess she goes to WCC, I don't know how they met but I wonder. now. Now I can understand why it's so fuckin' hard for Sam to talk to me. Damn, I can hardly talk to Kev w/out wanting to say how I feel or ask questions about her. So I guess I can't blame Sam.***** Speaking of whom, I realized on Wednesday what a jerk I'd been to him and after I went to the court to observe w/Sati on Thursday I drove over to the college to talk to him. So I apologized. I didn't realize my hands were shaking until he pointed it out to me. I told him how sorry I was, that he was right all along and that I should have left him alone the first time he asked me to & that if he didn't want to talk anymore that I understood & I'd respect that. So he didn't really say anything about talking so I assume he doesn't want to. But he gave me a hug & forgave me so the thing I regret now is losing a great guy as a friend. So I did something last weekend I said I'd never do. Me & Sati took a pack of cigarettes from work. Theyw ere all gone by Tuesday. I just wanted to so bad & it was good. I got a pack of herbals b/c I said I didn't want to smoke regular ones all the time, but I decided I would just not smoke except like at parties or if I get really upset or something. There's not really any point to smoking herbals anyhow, it's no effect. So I finally did it. I also got a haircut & dyed my hair on Friday, it's like orange. It's not permanent but I think I'm gonna dye it permanent when this stuff washes out. I got a lot of compliments on it. Well, Sati's mom is going out of town from Feb 26-Mar 7 and I'm gonna stay at her house some of the time, Mom & Rob are making me come home one night, but oh well. We (me & Sati) are having a party & I know R & A & J & S & A & maybe L & E & her roommate are gonna be invited. It's gonna be lots of fun. I can't wait. Kira's going to North Dakota over Feb break. THat'll be weird to not have her around for a week. Sati's been talking a lot about moving out lately and I wish so much I could move out with her soon. Next time I get paid I'm gonna get another earring. I met a really nice guy named Noah in English & I had an excuse to ask for his phone # but I ended up not calling him. He works at Costco & I'm not sure how old he is anyhow. Well, I guess that's all for now.

Later,
Rachael

*What 'happened at the party' was basically hand-holding. I know, super risque!
**Remember when you used to get your friends to call dates for you? Hilarious.
***R&L are now happily married w/2 little kids.
****No, no I didn't. I thought I did, but seriously? No.
*****This was the Sam that my son is partially named after. After that day I didn't talk to him for about a year when he contacted me days before his suicide.

Now, tell me about something this made you remember in the comments!