You are my Peace

I complained to Daddy about being the one to put you to bed tonight. I looked at him and wished that he would do it, especially when you didn't want to walk to your room. You wanted to play with your new wooden nuts and screws, but I told you it was bedtime.

I picked you up, and you only struggled for a minute. We went into your room, I gurned off the light and turned on your CD player. We sat down in the rocking chair and I cradled you in my arms like a baby.

You're getting so tall now that it's getting harder to hold you that way. But your little warm head still fits in the crook of my elbow. Your body isn't so long that my other arm can't wrap around under your knees and cradle your little butt. You tuck your hand into my chest, then curl up even further so your head rests on my breast, and my cheek can rest on your head.

Your short haircut makes you look older, but I love the feel of your fuzzy head against my cheek. I hear you breathing, and I can smell your breath. It smells like pancakes and love. I whisper to you "I love you, yes I do". "Yes" you repeat softly, "yes".

I couldn't stop looking at you, baby. In that moment, the enormity of my love for you was overpowering. My wonderful son, you are an amazing boy. You amaze me.

I rocked you to sleep tonight. We don't usually do that anymore, but you were tired, I could see your blinks getting slower, your eyelids getting heavier. I didn't want to let go, I just wanted to hold you and feel your heavy warmth against me for a few more minutes.

You cried out, a tiny wail, as I laid you in your crib, then drifted back to sleep under your soft green blanket. I watched you sleep, so peaceful. And I was at peace.