Crying It Out

After over an hour, I break, and tears stream down my face as I cry it out too.

We've gotten into some patterns in this house over the past couple of months. Sam is 2 1/2, but he's back to not sleeping through the nights. He GENERALLY goes to bed fairly easily, but almost always wakes up. It could be only a couple of hours after his bedtime (like tonight). It could be at 12, 2 or 5. And even though Justin says we should make him stay in his crib, that's not how it goes down. Because at 2 in the morning, I just want to go back to sleep. And, I admit it. I like the feel of him cuddling up to me to sleep. And I can't stand the sound of his crying.

I debate it in my head. I know that Justin doesn't sleep as well with Sam in the bed with us. I don't sleep as well either. But there is a part of me that doesn't understand why it's so bad to co-sleep, why we can't give HIM the comfort of cuddling up to us in the night, being close to his parents. All I want in life is to make him feel safe, loved, and happy.

Unfortunately, there is a lot more than that to being a parent.

We have to take care of our kids, but we can't forget to take care of ourselves. Not getting good sleep every night does not make for a happy mommy. Having a daddy who is stressed out because he can't sleep well with the kid in the bed, which leads to a stressed out mommy? Really not good.

I feel like I've been here before, but this is so much harder.

I don't remember it being this hard the first time around. Sam slept in our bed until he was about 4 months old. At less than a year, we moved him into his own room. I remember letting him cry it out. I remember it being hard. But I don't remember him crying for close to two hours then. I just don't. It was only a week before he got down to only crying 5-10 minutes (sometimes less) per night. And for the most part, sleeping through the night.

But things were different then. He couldn't talk yet. He was so young. Now I worry - is he going to remember this? Is he going to wake up tomorrow and be mad at us? What is he thinking? He also couldn't scream like this then. He didn't have the windpower and intensity that can be created by his two year old lungs.

The cries of 'mama' and the screaming are ripping me apart.

I can't handle it. I feel like I might throw up. The combination of the glue from the Christmas cards I just sealed, the tiredness, and listening to him yell are almost too much for me to take. I want to run away, I want to leave the house and not think about his screams anymore.

I feel like a bad mother.

It's been close to two hours, and Justin goes back in for the fourth time. He gets him a glass of water. He stands next to the crib, and listens as Sam asks for mama, asks to be rocked in his chair and whines. He calmly tells him that he's sorry if he's scared and angry, but he needs to sleep in his crib. He waits it out until Sam finally lies down, and lets his blanket be pulled up to cover him.

Thank God for Justin, right? Because I don't know if I can.