Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
__________
Why can't a bike stand on it's own?
Because it is two tired.
__________
Why couldn't the pony talk?
Because he was a little horse.
__________
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
__________
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, but it let out a little wine.
__________
And, one of my favorites:
A piece of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out!".
The piece of rope, dejected, walks outside. He looks around and gets an idea. He ties himself in a knot and toussles his hair.
He walks back into the bar, and the bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope I just kicked out of here?"
The rope looks at him, and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
May 19, 2006
May 18, 2006
My First Mother's Day
Hello again! I'm back for another update. Today Justin and I took Sam over to Raising More Money to show him off to the people I used to work with. Everyone crowded into Laurie's office to coo over him, I should have some pictures soon from today with Sam and my ex co-workers, and from Laurie's visit to our house on Saturday. Afterwards we went over and hung out at Laurie's for a while, and picked up a disk from her with pictures from the day Sam was born, and met her adorable dogs.
So, what's been going on since I last posted? Thursday the 11th was Justin's birthday! We took Sam to his first doctor appointment, which went well. He barely even cried during the PKU test when they poked his foot to get blood, and everything is looking good. He was still underweight, but he's eating like a champ now so I'm confident he's gaining the weight he's supposed to. That night we went out to Thai food for Justin's birthday. Sam slept through the entire meal, and through a short trip to Borders for a little shopping.
Mom came down again last weekend to hang out with Keith & his friends and to spend Mother's day with Kira, Sam, Justin & I. On Saturday we hung out with her, then in the evening we went over to Tara & Phil's house to celebrate Justin's birthday with Tara, Phil, Jen, Brooke, Dave & the kids. We had some delicious cake and had a good time.
Sunday was my first Mother's Day! We went on a picnic at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens. It was very nice, and not too crowded even though there were a lot of people there. We had a good time. Kira got Mom & me tickets to see Shawn Colvin with her at the Zootunes in July, which I am looking forward to.
Sam is doing great. He's starting to use his arms more, and be more aware of what he's doing when he's moving them. In the last 2 days he's started making noises, not just when he's hungry or crying, but when he's awake and just hanging out. I think soon he'll be "talking" up a storm! He is also starting to learn to smile on purpose, which is very exciting. I am just loving spending so much time with him. He's still a great baby, and for the most part very calm. Plus he sleeps enough in large stretches that we are able to get plenty of sleep, though it may happen at odd hours (mostly during the day for Justin).
We're looking forward to lots of visitors this summer! Sam's Great Aunt Becky will be flying to Washington on June 20, his Great Great Aunt Anna & Uncle Dick will be flying in in the beginning of July, and his Grandpa Bill, Grandma Helene & Aunt Lianna will be visiting mid-June. We're also looking forward to having Jason & Stormy around, they're moving to Washington sometime at the beginning of June.
Update on Breastfeeding Stuff:
Just wanted to post an update to the entry I wrote the other day about breastfeeding and Sam. I am feeling much better in the last 2 days about making some kind of decision and not being so stressed out about the whole thing. I've stopped using the pump, and unless I change my mind, I'll be returning it to the hospital this weekend when the rental runs out. I don't think it was doing too much for me, and I was not getting nearly enough that I could bottle it and feed it to Sam. Now that I'm more relaxed, I've been able to get Sam to nurse a couple of times a day for the last couple of days. I don't know how much nutrition he's getting, but that's okay because he gets plenty of that from his bottles. Mostly I just want him to get at least a little of the benefits of breastmilk. I'm taking Fenugreek to help my supply what little I can, and I'm just going to let things run their course. When the milk is not there for him any more, I'll stop. I know that I am doing the best I can, and having a relationship with my baby depends on so much more than nursing. I know that either way I'm a good Mom and it doesn't matter if strangers think so or not. On a side note, I'd like to point out that formula companies seem to be almost as bad as pharmaceutical companies! I went to CostCo to buy formula for Sam. The lactation consultant told me it was fine to buy the Kirkland brand stuff (store brand) and that it's made by one of the major companies, but people get nervous about feeding their kids generic stuff. I compared the ingredients & nutrition facts - almost identical. Only the CostCo brand is HALF AS MUCH. Literally. Holy cow. I think my CostCo membership paid for itself already!
So, what's been going on since I last posted? Thursday the 11th was Justin's birthday! We took Sam to his first doctor appointment, which went well. He barely even cried during the PKU test when they poked his foot to get blood, and everything is looking good. He was still underweight, but he's eating like a champ now so I'm confident he's gaining the weight he's supposed to. That night we went out to Thai food for Justin's birthday. Sam slept through the entire meal, and through a short trip to Borders for a little shopping.
Mom came down again last weekend to hang out with Keith & his friends and to spend Mother's day with Kira, Sam, Justin & I. On Saturday we hung out with her, then in the evening we went over to Tara & Phil's house to celebrate Justin's birthday with Tara, Phil, Jen, Brooke, Dave & the kids. We had some delicious cake and had a good time.
Sunday was my first Mother's Day! We went on a picnic at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens. It was very nice, and not too crowded even though there were a lot of people there. We had a good time. Kira got Mom & me tickets to see Shawn Colvin with her at the Zootunes in July, which I am looking forward to.
Sam is doing great. He's starting to use his arms more, and be more aware of what he's doing when he's moving them. In the last 2 days he's started making noises, not just when he's hungry or crying, but when he's awake and just hanging out. I think soon he'll be "talking" up a storm! He is also starting to learn to smile on purpose, which is very exciting. I am just loving spending so much time with him. He's still a great baby, and for the most part very calm. Plus he sleeps enough in large stretches that we are able to get plenty of sleep, though it may happen at odd hours (mostly during the day for Justin).
We're looking forward to lots of visitors this summer! Sam's Great Aunt Becky will be flying to Washington on June 20, his Great Great Aunt Anna & Uncle Dick will be flying in in the beginning of July, and his Grandpa Bill, Grandma Helene & Aunt Lianna will be visiting mid-June. We're also looking forward to having Jason & Stormy around, they're moving to Washington sometime at the beginning of June.
Update on Breastfeeding Stuff:
Just wanted to post an update to the entry I wrote the other day about breastfeeding and Sam. I am feeling much better in the last 2 days about making some kind of decision and not being so stressed out about the whole thing. I've stopped using the pump, and unless I change my mind, I'll be returning it to the hospital this weekend when the rental runs out. I don't think it was doing too much for me, and I was not getting nearly enough that I could bottle it and feed it to Sam. Now that I'm more relaxed, I've been able to get Sam to nurse a couple of times a day for the last couple of days. I don't know how much nutrition he's getting, but that's okay because he gets plenty of that from his bottles. Mostly I just want him to get at least a little of the benefits of breastmilk. I'm taking Fenugreek to help my supply what little I can, and I'm just going to let things run their course. When the milk is not there for him any more, I'll stop. I know that I am doing the best I can, and having a relationship with my baby depends on so much more than nursing. I know that either way I'm a good Mom and it doesn't matter if strangers think so or not. On a side note, I'd like to point out that formula companies seem to be almost as bad as pharmaceutical companies! I went to CostCo to buy formula for Sam. The lactation consultant told me it was fine to buy the Kirkland brand stuff (store brand) and that it's made by one of the major companies, but people get nervous about feeding their kids generic stuff. I compared the ingredients & nutrition facts - almost identical. Only the CostCo brand is HALF AS MUCH. Literally. Holy cow. I think my CostCo membership paid for itself already!
May 15, 2006
After Birth Pregnancy Reflections
You were born on:
May 2, 2006
You weighed:
7 lbs 6 oz
And your length was:
21 inches
After much thought, you were named:
Samuel Denn Heiner aka Sam or Sammy
The first thing I thought when I saw you was:
How beautiful you are and how happy I was to finally meet you. The whole world melted away and nothing else mattered when you opened your eyes and looked at me.
The hardest part of the delivery experience was:
The very end - trying not to push when you wanted to come out so bad!
The easiest part of the delivery experience was:
Probably the 3 hours after I got the epidural! :-)
What surprised me most about the delivery experience was:
It went pretty quickly, 12 hours from start to finish. I was most surprised by how the epidural worked and that I wasn't completely numb in my legs at all like I thought I would be.
What I can't wait to do with you:
May 2, 2006
You weighed:
7 lbs 6 oz
And your length was:
21 inches
After much thought, you were named:
Samuel Denn Heiner aka Sam or Sammy
The first thing I thought when I saw you was:
How beautiful you are and how happy I was to finally meet you. The whole world melted away and nothing else mattered when you opened your eyes and looked at me.
The hardest part of the delivery experience was:
The very end - trying not to push when you wanted to come out so bad!
The easiest part of the delivery experience was:
Probably the 3 hours after I got the epidural! :-)
What surprised me most about the delivery experience was:
It went pretty quickly, 12 hours from start to finish. I was most surprised by how the epidural worked and that I wasn't completely numb in my legs at all like I thought I would be.
What I can't wait to do with you:
No One Ever Said It Was Easy
This entry is going to be about breasts and breastfeeding, and what has been going on with me and Sam. If you don't want to read about things like my boobs, breast pumps, and latching on, you should probably skip this entry.
First off, I want to preface this by saying that Sam is the best baby in the whole world. He sleeps enough that I've been getting 6-8 hours at least every night, which is freaking awesome. When he's awake, he's alert and loves to sit in your lap and listen to you talk. He doesn't fuss unless he's in the bath or very hungry. Everything is actually easier than I expected except for this whole breastfeeding thing. Moms all around me are breastfeeding. You assume that it just comes naturally, that it's easy, that the baby comes out, you put him to the breast and he just eats and automatically gets all of the nutrition he needs. But no one ever SAID it was easy... and it's not for a lot of women, myself included. This is the story of what's been going on with our struggle with breastfeeding, and how I'm feeling about it right now.
I have not been able to sucessfully breastfeed up until now. My milk supply is quite low, and we've had a few other challenges. When Sam was born, he was put to the breast within 2 hours of birth. That's when the challenges started, since Sam could not properly latch on to my breast. I have pretty small breasts, and there was not a lot of change during the pregnancy. My breast tissue is soft and my nipples are not all that prominent. So, we tried breastfeeding. Then we got a nipple shield, and Sam was able to latch on with that some of the time, but it was already becoming a little frustrating when he couldn't. The first day he did not want to feed at all, and started spitting up because he'd swallowed amniotic fluid and was still trying to get it out of his system.
On Wednesday and Thursday after we were home from the hospital, I had trouble getting Sam to latch on, but he would do it. However, once he was latched on, he would suck for a couple of minutes then start to fall asleep. He would only eat for 5-10 minutes at most, and then drift off. When he woke again, he would be fussy and hungry and we'd start again.
On Friday after he was born, we went back to the hospital for our appointment at the postpartum & breastfeeding center and met with a lactation consultant nurse. Sam was weighed and we tried breastfeeding there and learned that he was not getting enough food from me. In short, he was really getting almost nothing. Sam was down to 6 lbs 8 oz, which means he lost more than 10% of his birth weight, and that's supposed to be the limit/normal amount. I was so sad to learn that my baby had not really been able to eat for those first couple of days. The nurse recommended supplementing with an ounce of formula each time Sam ate, and gave us a tube and syringe and taught us how to supplement Sam at the breast. Basically, this works by the baby latching on, then you put a tiny tube in his mouth so he gets formula & nutrition WHILE he is sucking at the breast as if he's breastfeeding. Once Sam was actually getting the food he needed, he was much less fussy and started sleeping more and being more alert when he was awake.
Saturday we were back at the hospital for a followup appointment. Sam gained 3 ounces from the food he was eating. They had me breastfeed Sam again and weighed him after each breast. From my right breast, he only got about 5 grams, and nothing measurable from the left. It had only been 4 days since Sam was born, so I felt that it was "normal" that my milk hadn't come in yet, although most women get their milk in by 4-5 days after birth. That day, the nurse recommended that we rent an electric pump from the hospital and pump for 10-15 minutes after each feeding to try and get my milk supply to come in. We went to the store at the hospital and rented the pump. That day I started pumping after every time that I fed Sam. The pumping is a very weird experience, and honestly it does feel a lot like you are hooked up to some farm milking machine. Very strange. When I pumped, I would get maybe 1/8 of an ounce from the right side, and drops from the left.
We continued the supplementing and pumping for the next few days. We did some finger feeding, which is basically feeding Sam with the syringe but by letting him suck on a finger instead of a nipple. This allowed Justin to feed him when I was sleeping. Sam seemed okay, but also got hungrier and wanted to eat more.
Wednesday, 8 days after Sam was born, we had our final appointment at the hospital with another of their lactation consultants. We did not breastfeed Sam at the appointment. We talked to the nurse about many things. She told me that they expect most women's milk supply to come in fully by about 10 days after birth. She recommended Fenugreek, which is an herbal supplement that can sometimes help to increase milk supply. We looked at my breasts and discussed the idea that I may have insufficient breast tissue. This make sense especially on the left side, which had almost zero increase in size during my pregnancy and the period after Sam was born. At one of my appoinments, I spoke to the nurse about my medication, and found out that Wellbutrin, which I was on throughout my pregnancy, could possibly affect milk supply. I called my doctor and had him switch me to Zoloft, which has better indications for nursing mothers. The nurse recommended that we stop finger feeding and supplement at the breast or start using bottles so that the baby would not get used to the finger and have trouble with bottles latler if we needed to use them. At this point I asked the nurse if there was a point at which if it didn't happen, it just was not going to happen. She said usually by 3-4 weeks. Also, she said that most women can't handle keeping up with all of the pumping and the stress of trying to get things to work for much longer than that.
We also found out at this appointment that Sam should be eating twice as much, which explains why, again, he had been acting hungry. I was unhappy because no one had explained how and how much to increase his food amount, and again hated the idea that he'd been hungry because I had not been feeding him enough. Sam now needed 2 oz every 3 hours or so.
After this appointment, I continued pumping. I bought the Fenugreek and started taking it. I kept trying to put Sam to the breast, and have him suck for a bit before supplementing, but he would get upset when he sucked and there was not a good flow of milk right away. We started using bottles when supplementing him. If I supplemented at the breast, it now required two full syringes full of formula, and switching the feeding tube from one syringe to the other in mid feeding.
The last 2 days Sam has been almost completely bottle fed. I haven't been making him latch on. He doesn't usually want to latch on. If he's hungry, he will get frustrated when there isn't a rush of milk. If he's sleepy, he'll fall asleep. Half the time he pulls his head away and pushes at my breast with his hands. It has now been 13 days since he was born and I feel that since I started the Fenugreek my milk will flow better when I'm pumping, and my supply has increased some, but not to the level of having any changes in my breast size. Inside, I do not feel that my milk supply is going to increase much more than this, and it's nothing like the stories I've heard from other moms about their milk coming in and suddenly having gigantic breasts that are flowing with milk and soaking all of their shirts.
Throughout the process I've had the nurses telling me that it's my choice, telling me how many women have trouble, at the last appointment telling me that whatever I decide to do it okay. If I want to keep trying, I can. If I want to go to bottle feeding and stop, that's okay too. That it doesn't matter what anyone thinks and that my baby will be fine either way.
It has now been 13 days since Sam was born. I don't feel like the breastfeeding is going much better than it was in the beginning, and I am struggling with a decision that I need to make. Should I keep trying to get Sam to breastfeed? Is it worth it for him to get a half ounce or an ounce of mothers milk every once in a while? Is it worth trying to figure out the exact right time to get him to nurse when he's not too hungry, but not too sleepy either? Will anything change? After the last appointment at the hospital, I thought about my history. We conceived this baby with fertility treatment. I was on Clomid for almost the entire 20 months we were trying to conceive, which is a drug that works with your pituitary gland to help it communicate with the reproductive system. We conceived the baby with IUI. I haven't had my hormone levels tested, but I suspect they may not quite be normal. Before I got the positive pregnancy test, I was starting to think that we would never be able to conceive and we were starting to think about adoption. I don't seem to ovulate regularly without medication, at least not before I had this baby. My family has had some hormonal problems as well. My mother had breastfeeding challenges too. Maybe it makes sense that I'm having trouble with this, but for some reason I never expected it.
I read stories about women who used supplemental nursing (like the tube & syringe at the breast) for 8 months. I read about women who kept pumping for months, who took prescription drugs, who put the baby to the breast every chance they got to try and increase their milk supply. I read about women who have almost zero milk when pumping, but they say that pumping is not the same as breastfeeding and that some women's breasts just don't respond to the pump. I read about women who got their babies to latch on after months of refusing the breast. I have friends who were not able to breastfeed as successfully as they wanted. One stopped after four months. My Mom was not able to breastfeed very well either, she supplemented us with formula and her milk dried up after 4 months with both me and my sister. But four months seems like such a long time compared to the 2 weeks I've been at this and been thinking about it.
If I decide to stop now, am I giving up too soon? Should I keep trying? I don't think there is a "right" answer here. I'm afraid of what people will think of me if I stop. I may seem well put together writing about this now, but I cry about it at least once every day. On Mother's Day I finally talked to my Mom about what's been going on, and how I'm feeling. I tear up almost immediately when I start talking about it. I cry thinking about this at least once every day. I feel like I'm failing my baby because I can't feed him the "normal" way. I'm afraid he's going to get sick because he didn't get enough breastmilk. I'm afraid that people are going to think I'm a bad mom, and that I didn't try hard enough, and that I don't want the best thing for my little baby. I'm trying to make a decision based on how I feel and what is best for me and Sam physically and emotionally. It's easy to say "who cares what other people think", but harder to put that into practice and actually stop caring. Mom pointed out that this is just the beginning - as a parent, people are going to judge me all the time, and that it's my child and I'll do what is best for him and it really doesn't matter how other people want to raise their children.
Sam is happy when he gets his bottle. He looks up at me with his big blue eyes and sucks away and gets all the nutrition he needs. The funniest thing about all of this is that he doesn't care where his food comes from. He only cares that he's getting food. He cares that he's well taken care of. He's surrounded by love. He's relaxed and trusting, and gets a ton of attention from me and Justin. He gets frustrated too when I try to put him to the breast and he doesn't want it. He surely doesn't understand why I'm trying to make him do it. But then there is a moment like this afternoon when he's awake, not too hungry, and I put him to the breast and he actually gets something from me and cuddles up to me, content. It's soothing and calming, and it feels so wonderful.
I still haven't made any decisions. The bottle of Fenugreek still sits on the coffee table. The breast pump is rented through the 22nd. I have my nipple shields ready to use, and extra syringes if I want to supplement at the breast instead of using the bottle every time. The not knowing and not deciding may be the hardest part. If I make a decision to stop, maybe I can grieve the loss of that relationship with baby and move on so I can concentrate on how wonderful he is. But maybe I don't have to lose it, at least not all the way. It may not work out the way I planned, but I do feel better today about just letting things go how they're going to go. Maybe he can still nurse, but I know it's not going to be how he gets his nutrition. We'll see how it goes.
All I know right now is that I will NEVER judge another mom for her decision to breastfeed, or not breastfeed. Looking at someone, you don't know what they've been through, and I could not ever have imagined how hard this would be.
First off, I want to preface this by saying that Sam is the best baby in the whole world. He sleeps enough that I've been getting 6-8 hours at least every night, which is freaking awesome. When he's awake, he's alert and loves to sit in your lap and listen to you talk. He doesn't fuss unless he's in the bath or very hungry. Everything is actually easier than I expected except for this whole breastfeeding thing. Moms all around me are breastfeeding. You assume that it just comes naturally, that it's easy, that the baby comes out, you put him to the breast and he just eats and automatically gets all of the nutrition he needs. But no one ever SAID it was easy... and it's not for a lot of women, myself included. This is the story of what's been going on with our struggle with breastfeeding, and how I'm feeling about it right now.
I have not been able to sucessfully breastfeed up until now. My milk supply is quite low, and we've had a few other challenges. When Sam was born, he was put to the breast within 2 hours of birth. That's when the challenges started, since Sam could not properly latch on to my breast. I have pretty small breasts, and there was not a lot of change during the pregnancy. My breast tissue is soft and my nipples are not all that prominent. So, we tried breastfeeding. Then we got a nipple shield, and Sam was able to latch on with that some of the time, but it was already becoming a little frustrating when he couldn't. The first day he did not want to feed at all, and started spitting up because he'd swallowed amniotic fluid and was still trying to get it out of his system.
On Wednesday and Thursday after we were home from the hospital, I had trouble getting Sam to latch on, but he would do it. However, once he was latched on, he would suck for a couple of minutes then start to fall asleep. He would only eat for 5-10 minutes at most, and then drift off. When he woke again, he would be fussy and hungry and we'd start again.
On Friday after he was born, we went back to the hospital for our appointment at the postpartum & breastfeeding center and met with a lactation consultant nurse. Sam was weighed and we tried breastfeeding there and learned that he was not getting enough food from me. In short, he was really getting almost nothing. Sam was down to 6 lbs 8 oz, which means he lost more than 10% of his birth weight, and that's supposed to be the limit/normal amount. I was so sad to learn that my baby had not really been able to eat for those first couple of days. The nurse recommended supplementing with an ounce of formula each time Sam ate, and gave us a tube and syringe and taught us how to supplement Sam at the breast. Basically, this works by the baby latching on, then you put a tiny tube in his mouth so he gets formula & nutrition WHILE he is sucking at the breast as if he's breastfeeding. Once Sam was actually getting the food he needed, he was much less fussy and started sleeping more and being more alert when he was awake.
Saturday we were back at the hospital for a followup appointment. Sam gained 3 ounces from the food he was eating. They had me breastfeed Sam again and weighed him after each breast. From my right breast, he only got about 5 grams, and nothing measurable from the left. It had only been 4 days since Sam was born, so I felt that it was "normal" that my milk hadn't come in yet, although most women get their milk in by 4-5 days after birth. That day, the nurse recommended that we rent an electric pump from the hospital and pump for 10-15 minutes after each feeding to try and get my milk supply to come in. We went to the store at the hospital and rented the pump. That day I started pumping after every time that I fed Sam. The pumping is a very weird experience, and honestly it does feel a lot like you are hooked up to some farm milking machine. Very strange. When I pumped, I would get maybe 1/8 of an ounce from the right side, and drops from the left.
We continued the supplementing and pumping for the next few days. We did some finger feeding, which is basically feeding Sam with the syringe but by letting him suck on a finger instead of a nipple. This allowed Justin to feed him when I was sleeping. Sam seemed okay, but also got hungrier and wanted to eat more.
Wednesday, 8 days after Sam was born, we had our final appointment at the hospital with another of their lactation consultants. We did not breastfeed Sam at the appointment. We talked to the nurse about many things. She told me that they expect most women's milk supply to come in fully by about 10 days after birth. She recommended Fenugreek, which is an herbal supplement that can sometimes help to increase milk supply. We looked at my breasts and discussed the idea that I may have insufficient breast tissue. This make sense especially on the left side, which had almost zero increase in size during my pregnancy and the period after Sam was born. At one of my appoinments, I spoke to the nurse about my medication, and found out that Wellbutrin, which I was on throughout my pregnancy, could possibly affect milk supply. I called my doctor and had him switch me to Zoloft, which has better indications for nursing mothers. The nurse recommended that we stop finger feeding and supplement at the breast or start using bottles so that the baby would not get used to the finger and have trouble with bottles latler if we needed to use them. At this point I asked the nurse if there was a point at which if it didn't happen, it just was not going to happen. She said usually by 3-4 weeks. Also, she said that most women can't handle keeping up with all of the pumping and the stress of trying to get things to work for much longer than that.
We also found out at this appointment that Sam should be eating twice as much, which explains why, again, he had been acting hungry. I was unhappy because no one had explained how and how much to increase his food amount, and again hated the idea that he'd been hungry because I had not been feeding him enough. Sam now needed 2 oz every 3 hours or so.
After this appointment, I continued pumping. I bought the Fenugreek and started taking it. I kept trying to put Sam to the breast, and have him suck for a bit before supplementing, but he would get upset when he sucked and there was not a good flow of milk right away. We started using bottles when supplementing him. If I supplemented at the breast, it now required two full syringes full of formula, and switching the feeding tube from one syringe to the other in mid feeding.
The last 2 days Sam has been almost completely bottle fed. I haven't been making him latch on. He doesn't usually want to latch on. If he's hungry, he will get frustrated when there isn't a rush of milk. If he's sleepy, he'll fall asleep. Half the time he pulls his head away and pushes at my breast with his hands. It has now been 13 days since he was born and I feel that since I started the Fenugreek my milk will flow better when I'm pumping, and my supply has increased some, but not to the level of having any changes in my breast size. Inside, I do not feel that my milk supply is going to increase much more than this, and it's nothing like the stories I've heard from other moms about their milk coming in and suddenly having gigantic breasts that are flowing with milk and soaking all of their shirts.
Throughout the process I've had the nurses telling me that it's my choice, telling me how many women have trouble, at the last appointment telling me that whatever I decide to do it okay. If I want to keep trying, I can. If I want to go to bottle feeding and stop, that's okay too. That it doesn't matter what anyone thinks and that my baby will be fine either way.
It has now been 13 days since Sam was born. I don't feel like the breastfeeding is going much better than it was in the beginning, and I am struggling with a decision that I need to make. Should I keep trying to get Sam to breastfeed? Is it worth it for him to get a half ounce or an ounce of mothers milk every once in a while? Is it worth trying to figure out the exact right time to get him to nurse when he's not too hungry, but not too sleepy either? Will anything change? After the last appointment at the hospital, I thought about my history. We conceived this baby with fertility treatment. I was on Clomid for almost the entire 20 months we were trying to conceive, which is a drug that works with your pituitary gland to help it communicate with the reproductive system. We conceived the baby with IUI. I haven't had my hormone levels tested, but I suspect they may not quite be normal. Before I got the positive pregnancy test, I was starting to think that we would never be able to conceive and we were starting to think about adoption. I don't seem to ovulate regularly without medication, at least not before I had this baby. My family has had some hormonal problems as well. My mother had breastfeeding challenges too. Maybe it makes sense that I'm having trouble with this, but for some reason I never expected it.
I read stories about women who used supplemental nursing (like the tube & syringe at the breast) for 8 months. I read about women who kept pumping for months, who took prescription drugs, who put the baby to the breast every chance they got to try and increase their milk supply. I read about women who have almost zero milk when pumping, but they say that pumping is not the same as breastfeeding and that some women's breasts just don't respond to the pump. I read about women who got their babies to latch on after months of refusing the breast. I have friends who were not able to breastfeed as successfully as they wanted. One stopped after four months. My Mom was not able to breastfeed very well either, she supplemented us with formula and her milk dried up after 4 months with both me and my sister. But four months seems like such a long time compared to the 2 weeks I've been at this and been thinking about it.
If I decide to stop now, am I giving up too soon? Should I keep trying? I don't think there is a "right" answer here. I'm afraid of what people will think of me if I stop. I may seem well put together writing about this now, but I cry about it at least once every day. On Mother's Day I finally talked to my Mom about what's been going on, and how I'm feeling. I tear up almost immediately when I start talking about it. I cry thinking about this at least once every day. I feel like I'm failing my baby because I can't feed him the "normal" way. I'm afraid he's going to get sick because he didn't get enough breastmilk. I'm afraid that people are going to think I'm a bad mom, and that I didn't try hard enough, and that I don't want the best thing for my little baby. I'm trying to make a decision based on how I feel and what is best for me and Sam physically and emotionally. It's easy to say "who cares what other people think", but harder to put that into practice and actually stop caring. Mom pointed out that this is just the beginning - as a parent, people are going to judge me all the time, and that it's my child and I'll do what is best for him and it really doesn't matter how other people want to raise their children.
Sam is happy when he gets his bottle. He looks up at me with his big blue eyes and sucks away and gets all the nutrition he needs. The funniest thing about all of this is that he doesn't care where his food comes from. He only cares that he's getting food. He cares that he's well taken care of. He's surrounded by love. He's relaxed and trusting, and gets a ton of attention from me and Justin. He gets frustrated too when I try to put him to the breast and he doesn't want it. He surely doesn't understand why I'm trying to make him do it. But then there is a moment like this afternoon when he's awake, not too hungry, and I put him to the breast and he actually gets something from me and cuddles up to me, content. It's soothing and calming, and it feels so wonderful.
I still haven't made any decisions. The bottle of Fenugreek still sits on the coffee table. The breast pump is rented through the 22nd. I have my nipple shields ready to use, and extra syringes if I want to supplement at the breast instead of using the bottle every time. The not knowing and not deciding may be the hardest part. If I make a decision to stop, maybe I can grieve the loss of that relationship with baby and move on so I can concentrate on how wonderful he is. But maybe I don't have to lose it, at least not all the way. It may not work out the way I planned, but I do feel better today about just letting things go how they're going to go. Maybe he can still nurse, but I know it's not going to be how he gets his nutrition. We'll see how it goes.
All I know right now is that I will NEVER judge another mom for her decision to breastfeed, or not breastfeed. Looking at someone, you don't know what they've been through, and I could not ever have imagined how hard this would be.
May 11, 2006
Sam Out and About: One Week Down, Several Thousand to Go
It's been a few days since I updated - I've been spending the computer time I've gotten trying to respond to some of the hundred e-mails I've gotten since Sam was born! I'm pretty close to being caught up too! We've had lots of visitors and some outings! Here's what we've been up to the last few days:
Sunday: Hung around the house at home for the morning. Mom left around 1:00 to go home and re-acclimate to the real world since she had to go back to work on Monday. A while after she left, Grandpa Harold, Becky & Crystal stopped by to meet Sam and visit for a little while. That evening Justin got seperation anxiety when I took Sam to book club to meet some of the ladies for about an hour and a half. It was Sam's first outing that was NOT to the hospital. He did great - just slept while Brooke held him. He got fussy in the car on the way home, but only because he was hungry and I stayed longer than I meant to. I also got to meet Mikaela, Kelly's new little girl (born 4/14), and she is a cutie!
Monday: Monday we just hung out at home and got acclimated to not having the extra help of Mom being here! Sam was introduced to his Aquarium Cradle Swing - he loves it and he sat in it for about a half hour and then slept in there for another hour or so, so I was able to get some chores done and some e-mails written.
Tuesday: Sam went out again on Tuesday, we took him to Fred Meyer and did some grocery shopping. He slept in my arms and in Justin's the entire time that we were there. I was so tired when we were done, I felt like I'd run up a large hill or something! My body is definitely still tired. Sam slept for 4+ hours in a row Tuesday night, which was great for Mommy & Daddy!
Today: We took Sam back to the hospital for our third appointment at the postpartum center with the lactation consultant. We are still struggling with my milk supply and supplementing with formula. We found out today that Sam is still hungry as we should have been letting him eat almost twice as much as he has been! He's eaten three times since, and we introduced him to the bottle so that when Justin feeds him he doesn't get used to finger feeding with the suplementation system since if he gets used to it he might not like the bottle. He ate from the bottle like a champ and is sleeping VERY contentedly after actually getting full! We are going to keep trying with the breastfeeding for at least another week and keep giving him formula to keep him happy in the meantime. When we got home we thought we had locked ourselves out of the house, giving me a minor panic attack, but on the way over to our friend's house for dinner we realized the keys had been in Justin's pocket all along!
We went to Brooke and Dave's new house, which is looking great, and hung out and had dinner with them. Sam was very calm and not fussy at all, and didn't even mind when Seamus and Lorelai were noisy. We're trying to let him be around other people and noise so that he doesn't get used to it being really quiet or to just being with us. Seamus loves to pet Sam's head and also kissed him on the head a few times. How cute. Lorelai does not seem to care much either way, although she knew who he was and everything! I was having a rough day today - feeling tired and a little bit sad about the breastfeeding, and hanging out with Brooke and talking really did me some good. They are going to the zoo on Friday and we may join them for a little fresh air time.
That's what we've been up to. Things are going pretty well. Sam is such a good baby, hopefully he will stay pretty mellow. We've already learned the following:
You do not realize that you can be so happy to see poop until you have a baby and he has his first one in a few days. Nor did you ever think you would be standing there saying 'good job!' sto someone who just pooped.
It does not matter how rational you are, when your baby smiles, you will convince yourself he is really smiling even if you know in your head that it's probably just gas.
Even if you try to cover him up the entire time you're changing him, a baby will wait until you lift the cloth to put on the new diaper, then pee on you.
The faces babies make can entertain you for hours.
I also found out the day after I got home that my good friend Brie is pregnant! She and her husband had been trying for a bit, and I know that she's very excited. She'll be due in December or January, and I'm looking forward to watching from the other side this time. Oh, Sam is awake & hungry so I must go! I'll be back with more soon!
Sunday: Hung around the house at home for the morning. Mom left around 1:00 to go home and re-acclimate to the real world since she had to go back to work on Monday. A while after she left, Grandpa Harold, Becky & Crystal stopped by to meet Sam and visit for a little while. That evening Justin got seperation anxiety when I took Sam to book club to meet some of the ladies for about an hour and a half. It was Sam's first outing that was NOT to the hospital. He did great - just slept while Brooke held him. He got fussy in the car on the way home, but only because he was hungry and I stayed longer than I meant to. I also got to meet Mikaela, Kelly's new little girl (born 4/14), and she is a cutie!
Monday: Monday we just hung out at home and got acclimated to not having the extra help of Mom being here! Sam was introduced to his Aquarium Cradle Swing - he loves it and he sat in it for about a half hour and then slept in there for another hour or so, so I was able to get some chores done and some e-mails written.
Tuesday: Sam went out again on Tuesday, we took him to Fred Meyer and did some grocery shopping. He slept in my arms and in Justin's the entire time that we were there. I was so tired when we were done, I felt like I'd run up a large hill or something! My body is definitely still tired. Sam slept for 4+ hours in a row Tuesday night, which was great for Mommy & Daddy!
Today: We took Sam back to the hospital for our third appointment at the postpartum center with the lactation consultant. We are still struggling with my milk supply and supplementing with formula. We found out today that Sam is still hungry as we should have been letting him eat almost twice as much as he has been! He's eaten three times since, and we introduced him to the bottle so that when Justin feeds him he doesn't get used to finger feeding with the suplementation system since if he gets used to it he might not like the bottle. He ate from the bottle like a champ and is sleeping VERY contentedly after actually getting full! We are going to keep trying with the breastfeeding for at least another week and keep giving him formula to keep him happy in the meantime. When we got home we thought we had locked ourselves out of the house, giving me a minor panic attack, but on the way over to our friend's house for dinner we realized the keys had been in Justin's pocket all along!
We went to Brooke and Dave's new house, which is looking great, and hung out and had dinner with them. Sam was very calm and not fussy at all, and didn't even mind when Seamus and Lorelai were noisy. We're trying to let him be around other people and noise so that he doesn't get used to it being really quiet or to just being with us. Seamus loves to pet Sam's head and also kissed him on the head a few times. How cute. Lorelai does not seem to care much either way, although she knew who he was and everything! I was having a rough day today - feeling tired and a little bit sad about the breastfeeding, and hanging out with Brooke and talking really did me some good. They are going to the zoo on Friday and we may join them for a little fresh air time.
That's what we've been up to. Things are going pretty well. Sam is such a good baby, hopefully he will stay pretty mellow. We've already learned the following:
You do not realize that you can be so happy to see poop until you have a baby and he has his first one in a few days. Nor did you ever think you would be standing there saying 'good job!' sto someone who just pooped.
It does not matter how rational you are, when your baby smiles, you will convince yourself he is really smiling even if you know in your head that it's probably just gas.
Even if you try to cover him up the entire time you're changing him, a baby will wait until you lift the cloth to put on the new diaper, then pee on you.
The faces babies make can entertain you for hours.
I also found out the day after I got home that my good friend Brie is pregnant! She and her husband had been trying for a bit, and I know that she's very excited. She'll be due in December or January, and I'm looking forward to watching from the other side this time. Oh, Sam is awake & hungry so I must go! I'll be back with more soon!
May 7, 2006
Sam is Home & Doing Well
I can't believe it's only been four days since Sam was born! It seems like now the time passes in hours instead of days. I could write a novel with every detail, but that would be boring, and also totally insane. So I'll try to just give an update on a few details, then post some more new pictures to the photo album.
Mom is still staying with us, but she's going home tomorrow evening since she has to go back to work on Monday. It has been so great having her here just to take Sam once in a while so we could nap, or to do little things like make us food or clean up the dishes. She has also been happy to spend a lot of time with Sam. I think she'll be in Sam withdrawl as much as we'll be in withdrawl on Monday from not having the extra help!
Sam is really a good baby. He was very fussy on Thursday night, and cried for a good part of the night, so we were pretty tired. We figured out that he was not getting enough to eat, and now that we're doing some supplementing, he is more content, sleeping well, and was only up for a couple of hours last night. I think I like it most when he's awake and just hanging out and looking around. I wonder what he sees. Sometimes when he's fussy he likes to go out on the deck and feel the fresh air and listen to the cars going by.
We went back to the hospital yesterday and again today to talk to the lactation consultant in the postpartum center. Sam had not been getting enough to eat and we're still waiting for my milk to come in for him, so we are supplementing with formula for now. The people at the hospital are so helpful in doing whatever they can to keep us informed and help us in any way possible to get Sam well nourished and happy. We'll be going back for another appointment Wednesday, and Sam's going to see Dr. Wu - our pediatrician - on Thursday.
Today Sam had his first bath since we were in the hospital. He was not too happy about it and cried, but it wasn't too bad and he didn't make things hard for us. He turned a magnificent shade of beet red before we got him out of there! He's all clean now though and after he had a meal was content to sleep for a couple of hours.
That's all for now, I'll post again soon!
Mom is still staying with us, but she's going home tomorrow evening since she has to go back to work on Monday. It has been so great having her here just to take Sam once in a while so we could nap, or to do little things like make us food or clean up the dishes. She has also been happy to spend a lot of time with Sam. I think she'll be in Sam withdrawl as much as we'll be in withdrawl on Monday from not having the extra help!
Sam is really a good baby. He was very fussy on Thursday night, and cried for a good part of the night, so we were pretty tired. We figured out that he was not getting enough to eat, and now that we're doing some supplementing, he is more content, sleeping well, and was only up for a couple of hours last night. I think I like it most when he's awake and just hanging out and looking around. I wonder what he sees. Sometimes when he's fussy he likes to go out on the deck and feel the fresh air and listen to the cars going by.
We went back to the hospital yesterday and again today to talk to the lactation consultant in the postpartum center. Sam had not been getting enough to eat and we're still waiting for my milk to come in for him, so we are supplementing with formula for now. The people at the hospital are so helpful in doing whatever they can to keep us informed and help us in any way possible to get Sam well nourished and happy. We'll be going back for another appointment Wednesday, and Sam's going to see Dr. Wu - our pediatrician - on Thursday.
Today Sam had his first bath since we were in the hospital. He was not too happy about it and cried, but it wasn't too bad and he didn't make things hard for us. He turned a magnificent shade of beet red before we got him out of there! He's all clean now though and after he had a meal was content to sleep for a couple of hours.
That's all for now, I'll post again soon!
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