Waiting To Be Filled

The end of the day leaves me exhausted, lying in the dark warmth of my son's bed with my arm draped over him.  As his breathing shallows, for a moment I let my guard down and the warmth of tears starts to rise in the backs of my eyes.

I push it back down, that's what I do with this heartache, I push it and I turn my head away and try not to feel it.  Because I know how it feels if I give in.  It is an ache deep within myself, the pain of having a piece of my heart given back to me and of being made more whole for a few days only to have it taken away again.  Every time I have to say goodbye, I feel like a part of my life is missing.

If I let myself feel it, I'm afraid I'll start to cry and I won't be able to stop.

My sister is 13 now, and she'll be in high school next year.  She is beyond beautiful, and with her new contact lenses you can see her eyes and I know that she will hate this picture but to me it is wonderful because of the joy.  She was laughing and covering her face to stop me from taking a picture, but got distracted, and her hands went down and the shutter clicked and this was made.  That is the joy I feel when I get to be with her.

Sam adores her, and she is amazing with both of my kids.  I wish that I could be there to go to the movies with her on the weekends, to be someone she could confide in, to watch her dance at her recital every May and feel the familiar burst of pride in my heart.  

When Sam was younger, we got to visit with my family back East 3-4 times a year.  Things have changed for all of us since then, and now the cost of 3 or 4 plane tickets for me and the boys or my whole family is just too much.  None of us can afford it, and the frequent flier miles are running out.  Last year, I only got to see them twice, once in January and once in June.  It's not enough.  This time, as they walkout the door, I have no idea when I'll see them again, and I hate that.

Danny had not seen them since last June, when he was only just turned one.  I was surprised by how he acted this time.  I don't know if he could somehow remember them, or if it was just the familiarity I have with him, but he didn't treat them like strangers.  It was like he knew them.  I don't know if that's even possible.  I want him to know them.  One day I will be able to explain to him that Helene is my second Mom, and that Lianna is my sister, but he is still too young.

This morning, they stopped here before driving down to catch their plane.  It was 7:20 and we said our goodbyes, and as they were getting their shoes on, Sam woke up and came out of his bedroom.  They gave him hugs and said goodbye  After the door was closed, I watched from the couch as he just stood there staring at the front door, a silhouette in the light, sleepy and frozen for several moments.  I have no idea what he was thinking, or if he was even thinking of anything.  I said his name and he came over and hopped up on the couch like it was just another day.

And in the end, it was just another day, but a day where I felt exhausted and drained and overwhelmed by the shadow of sadness underneath my thoughts.  We drove, and we played, and I snapped, and my fuse was short, but those moments passed, and I managed.  And then they were asleep, and I wrote and I cried and I finally let myself feel, just for a few minutes.  And tomorrow will be another day where I won't have time to think about it, and the pain will fade, and I won't feel the empty space in my heart quite as much.  But  it will always be there, waiting to be filled again.

Saturday Share

A while ago, I used to use Saturdays to post things I found around the web that I loved or that made me laugh. I haven't done it in a while, but especially now that the 'share' function is gone from Google Reader (boooo), I am finding that I don't have a good way to share these things anymore.  So, I'm going to start doing Saturday Share again!  I hope you'll enjoy these things as much as I did.

The Day My Son Left for Boot Camp at Joy Unexpected - I have been reading Yvonne's blog for a long time, and it's one of my favorites.  She has totally inspired me with her efforts to lose weight despite a jerk of a thyroid.  Her love for her kids is big and amazing, and she is honest and sometimes raw.  On Wednesday, she drove her oldest son to the Military Entrance Processing Station and sent him off to boot camp.  I almost can't think about it without crying.  Letting go of your child, sending them off into the world, and knowing they will be going through so many trials is more than I can comprehend.  Man, it's bad enough putting your 5 year old on a bus to Kindergarten, and that's nothing comparatively!  Yvonne's words are beautiful.

The Instinct of Birth at Bellies & Babies - If you're new here, I'll let you in on a little secret.  I'm a bit of a birth junkie.  I have big opinions about how birth and pregnant women are viewed and treated in our culture, and I am very interested in everything having to do with it.  Sometimes I consider that maybe when my kids are older I'll become a childbirth educator or a midwife.  This is a great article about how instinctual birth can be if women feel comfortable and free.  The third story in particular touched my heart.

It's Ok. at Magneto Bold Too - I love Kelley.  She is hilarious, she is honest, and sometimes crass.  Sometimes you forget that she is also an incredible mother and writer.  Until she posts something like this.  And you get something in your eye.  And you remember how glad you are to be reading the words of someone so amazing.

About a Boy at Girl's Gone Child - Rebecca's was one of the first blogs I ever started reading.  When her book Rockabye came out, I went to Seattle and met her and listened to her speak.  She is an amazing writer, and her family is just beautiful.  I love ever post she writes, and she is certainly one of the best writers online anywhere.  I love that she shares her family with all of us.

What did you read this week that you loved?

Welcome SITS Girls!

Me and the fam on Easter

I was so excited to get my email last week telling me that my day as the SITS Featured Blogger was coming up!  I feel like I just signed up yesterday, and the time went by quickly, but perhaps it's really just that time is always getting away from me.

If you're visiting from SITS, welcome to Scientfic Nature of the Whammy!  I am so glad you're here.  I finally got more time this week to sit down and write, and I'm feeling so happy.  This blog is my space, one of the only spaces I have to myself in life anymore!  I have a husband, Justin, who I've been with for 11.5 years, and two little boys.  Sam turned six on Wednesday, and Danny will be two on May 10. 

As you can imagine, most of my real-world space has been taken over by laundry and toys and little boy socks and mud and chicken nuggets.  This is where I come to get back to myself - to be ME again.  Though I cherish my time alone, I find that my relationships with my women friends are what really rejuvinate my soul, and that's what I do here.  Here, I can rebuild my spirit through writing and the community I've found online.

I write about whatever catches my fancy.  Sometimes it's prose, sometimes it's about my kids, sometimes about issues that get me fired up, and sometimes about my weight loss journey.  I love to read and share my thoughts about books - right now I'm immersed in the third book in the Fifty Shades of Gray series, and I'll have a whole big post about my thoughts on that coming up next week.

If this is your first time here, I'd love to share a few of my favorite posts with you!

My Journey of Faith - A short series of posts about how I came to be baptized on a rainy September day at 25 years old.

The Weight & The Hunger - Two posts about my weight loss journey that get to the heart of how I feel about everything I've been through when it comes to trying to get healthy. 

A Perfect Moment - I experienced a near perfect moment at my Mom's wedding.

Pulling on the Past - I find myself haunted by my past so often.  Some days, I dream and the heartache stays with me long after I wake up.

10 Things that are just NOT okay - Exploring some of my worst pet peeves

You can also explore the tabs up above to find more favorite posts, more about me, my posts about my weight loss journey, and a link to some of my photography.  I also happen to have a small nail polish obsession.  If you're interested, check out my little side blog, Nail Me.

I am so glad you are here!  Thanks for reading!

This is Me from A to Z

I saw this over at Ramble Ramble back in February and wanted to do it.  The main reason is because I am a list-o-holic.  I love lists.  Just as my husband.  Since tomorrow is my SITS feature day (squeeeee!) it seemed like a good time to share some random stuff about myself with all of you!

A. Age: 31

B. Bed size: King.  My Mother-in-law bought it for us just before Sam was born and I love it.

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the shower.  I hate it.  There is just something about the way you have to bend and scrub.  Also, mopping.  I don't mind vacuuming but I despise mopping.

D. Dogs: I like them, but don't have any right now.

E. Essential start to your day: Protein of some sort.

F. Favorite color: Cerulean blue, interstate green.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver, mostly. I have a few gold pieces though.

H. Height: 5’7″

I. Instruments you play: I used to play the piano, and I hope to re-learn it someday.

J. Job title: CEO of the Heiner Household

K. Kids: Sam turned six yesterday and Danny will be two in a week
.
L. Live: Bellingham, WA.  It's pretty great here!

M. Mother’s name: Edie.

N. Nicknames: Mommy, Mama, Ray

O. Overnight hospital stays: Once when I was very young and got dehydrated, and once when I had Sam.

P. Pet peeves: Misuse of apostrophes, pants with words on the ass, dreadlocks on white people.

Q. Quote from a movie: “If you're gonna eat like an animal, take your food out to the barn." - Prancer

R. Right- or left-handed: Right

S. Siblings: Two younger sisters, Kira is 29 and Lianna is 13.

T. Tattoos & Piercings: Three holes in each earlobe, seven tattoos - pictures here and here.

U. Underwear: Mostly Lane Bryant cotton, nothing fancy.

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Celery (is that a vegetable?), mushrooms

W. What makes you run late: My kids and the ridiculous amount of stuff that needs to go everywhere with us.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: My collarbone when I was 4 and broke it.  Other than that, mostly just my teeth.

Y. Yummy food that you make: Guacamole, spaghetti with grape tomatoes and chicken, tacos, pizza.

Z. Zoo animal: Red panda.  Any big cat.  Tapirs and wombats.

Comment on Comments

To those of you who have left comments recently & had them disappear, were you posting them from your mobile phone?  I did a little digging and I can see your original comments in blogger, but it looks like if you have the mobile templates enabled (which they did automatically), Disqus doesn't transfer over so it would show the original blogger commenting form and then those comments were not translating to Disqus.  Annoying.  Anyhow, I disabled the mobile template because I don't care about it that much, and that should fix the problem, and no more comments should get lost.

To Sam On Birthday Number Six

At the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival two days before turning six.

Dear Sam,

Lately, you have not been listening to your CD at bedtime and you've been asking me to sing to you again.  Most nights, you say you're not tired even though you've been yawning for an hour and I can tell that you need to sleep.  When I carry you to bed, you are heavy in my arms and I can't believe how big you've gotten.  You're still skinny, but not as much as you used to be.  I lay next to you with my arm around you and sing you The House at Pooh Corner and I've Got Six-pence and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - the songs you call 'bedtime songs.'  As I sing I listen to your breathing and it often takes only a song or two before I can tell you've drifted off.

One day maybe you will have children and you'll be able to understand the love I feel for you.  It's so big that I can barely wrap my head around it, and I struggle to find the words to even convey it.  I am so proud of you.  Every time you sound out a word, I am fascinated and amazed.  When you write words on paper, I am left reeling at how much difference just a few months of school has made.  When you help your brother with something he's struggling with, my heart grows five sizes thinking about how amazing you are.  You are such a nice person.

Sam took Danny to school for 'share day'

Sometimes I get this feeling that I don't even know how to describe.  It happened last week when you called me while Daddy and I were out.  You called me from Grandma's phone to tell me to have a fun date night with Daddy.  It was unbearably cute, and after we hung up it happened.  I don't want to describe it as a sadness, because I was happy to be having grown up time.  But it is almost like I felt disappointed to be so far away from you.  I need my time to myself, but sometimes when I think about you a part of me wishes I was with you and wonders what you are doing at that moment.

There is so much about you that I never want to forget.  The way your freckles spread across the apples of your cheeks.  The chips in your two front teeth.  The way you count and then tell me I don't understand what a second is when I tell you to "just wait a second," even though it's irritating too.  The way you share with your brother even though he doesn't understand how to share with you just yet.  The way you play with the other kids, and give your friendship so freely.  You are so full of love and every kid has their moments, but your joy outshines anything darker almost all the time.

Building animorphs at the zoo with Aunt Kira

You are my first baby, and you will always be my baby, even though you are six and started walking in to school by yourself a couple of weeks ago.  I watch you dilly dally as you walk into the building with your Mario backpack and you look so big and so small at the same time.  I don't think it will ever change.

Happy Birthday Sam.  You are amazing.

Love,
Mama

Some Favorites at Six

TV - Octonauts, Adventure Time & My Little Pony
Food - Pizza, Chicken Nuggets, Macaroni & Cheese, Vanilla Ice Cream
Games - Kirby's Epic Yarn, Kirby's Return to Dreamland, Rayman Origins
Books - Scaredy Squirrel
Clothes - Mario shirts, pants without buttons (no jeans!)
Activities - Playing at the park after school, drawing
Future Wife - Either your babysitter Noelle or your friend Ruthie

Week 21: 1 average 2 year old, 3 one gallon jugs of water, 8 human brains, 100 sticks of butter

Current Weight:  224.2
+/-  this week:  -0.8
+/- this round:   -25.6 (25 pounds)
+/- total:    -43.7
Current Short Term Goal:  217 (50 pounds lighter)

What do all those things have in common?  They all weigh about 25 pounds, which is how much I have lost as of this week!  I got my 25 pound charm today.

This week I did a lot better.  I used all my weekly points, but I didn't go over.  I got 50 activity points, just from all the walking I did, plus some serious housework.  Justin is out of town for the week, AND we have visitors coming from out of town, so I needed to get everything cleaned up to avoid unnecessary anxiety.  I always think about starting to do some more high impact exercise, but walking works so well for me with my schedule.
One of my best friends is on a new lifestyle plan for eating/exercise and she started a blog.  Reading through her plan, and seeing her 15 pounds lost in 6 weeks, I felt something weird along with being proud of her.  I'm certainly not happy or proud to admit that it was jealousy.  Sometimes I have trouble accepting that I'm doing a good job.  Even now, after 21 weeks, subconsciously I'm scared I won't make it, that this should be happening faster, or that I'll stop my progress.

I look at what other people do, like exercising every day in the morning before their kids get up (which isn't feasible for me when Danny gets up at 5:30 am because... really?  No.  Maybe if he starts sleeping until 6:30 or 7), and I wish that I was doing that.  Or that I could make myself do it.  I see people giving up processed foods and eating healthier and I feel jealous that I can't seem to do that.  At the same time, I realize that putting unrealistic expectations on yourself is just going to lead to failure, and giving up sugar and wheat is not something that's probably EVER going to happen for me.  The whole point of Weight Watchers is that you don't HAVE to deprive yourself.  I know from experience that if I try to give up things I want, I will cheat and fail.

I hate that I had those feelings.  In my rational brain, I know these thoughts are useless and ridiculous.  But somehow I still have this fear of failure, this fear that someone else I know will surpass my weight loss and then I'll feel like they're better than me.  It is such a battle sometimes to even try to be proud of our own accomplishments, and to stop comparing ourselves to anyone else.  My journey is just that - MY journey.  Would it be healthier not to eat as much processed food?  Certainly.  But I am on the plan I'm on for a reason, and it's working for me.  Other plans work for other people, and that's okay.

On a more positive note, I noticed another benefit to my weight loss yesterday.  We went down to the tulip festival in Mt. Vernon and I (of course) took my camera.  I needed to squat down to get some of the photos I wanted - close ups and angled up shots.  And I can squat down, stay that way for a minute, and stand back up without touching anything or putting my hand on the ground.  I didn't used to be able to do that.  I also went to the store today and tried on pairs of size 20 jeans from two different pants that fit completely comfortably, which means I've gone down a pants size.  It's little things like that that help me realize how much I HAVE changed.
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  43.7 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% & no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 64.2 lbs