Top Chef Seattle: Week 2 - "I want to be a James Beard and I want to have a nice ass."

I should be writing about my trip to Dallas.  I should be writing about my kids (yeah, they are still alive!).  I should be writing about what's going on with me.  I should be writing about my new job (love it).  But instead, the way I am blazing back onto the scene is by writing a Top Chef recap, which almost no one will read, but when I read it years later I will still make myself laugh.  Welcome to my bizarre brain, which thinks this is just. the. thing. to publish today.  1.  I love reading my old Top Chef recaps (yes, I know I am weird). 2.  Top Chef was in Seattle this time - how could I not??  So, here you go.  All 2 of you that are probably reading this.

Top Chef Seattle - 10x2: A Shock at the Space Needle

Recap:  Last week, in the ridiculous new practice of showing us some people who never made it to the show (what's the point?), a man with a sweet handlebar mustache was axed.  The token mean guy, of course, made it.  After all, he was the most hated chef in Dallas, so that's pretty obvious.

Awwww.... Seattle!  Tom Douglas better show up at some point.

So far, I don't like Micah.  Did Chrissy just say that Stefan looks like a thumb?  What did she say?  I rewound it 3 times and still couldn't tell.  First I thought she said bum, but that didn't make sense either.

I'm not sure how I feel about them being judged by past contestants.... who didn't win...  I remember Stefan, vaguely remember, CJ, and remember the woman none.

HA!  Padma had to shush Mr. Hated Chef.  Hilarious.

Quickfire Challenge

They have 20 minutes to create a dish that highlights local shellfish - crabs, geoducks, other smaller and more regular clams, and mussels.  Incidentally, I live in Washington and am pretty sure that no one has ever eaten a geoduck in my presence.  They are battling for immunity.

I love that the beautiful model said what we were all thinking:  "Geoduck is great.  Except it looks like a penis.  A really big one."  She is at the top of my list as of now.

Other likable characters: the guy with the beard (although the fact that he is probably missing his child's birth to beon this show, I don't know about that... he couldn't wait for next season?) and mustache and the guy with the red hat.  I don't know who anyone is at this point.

Carla points out that she is on the only all girls team, then tells us "I am a chef, but I am also a woman.  When I am cooking, I like to look good.  I want to be a James Beard and I want to have a nice ass."

Bart the Knight is talking about conquering ingredients.  That's perfect.

Now they will taste and judge.

Lizzie foreshadows much to come this season with: "working with Carla is definitely crazy, and you can see it in the dish."

I liked the geoduck with apple dish because apples are huge here and that's another little touch of local flavor.  Nice.  Mustache man and awesome red hair girl are on the losing team with their soup.  Don't make soup.

Stefan announces that the geoduck with apples is the winner.  Glasses on the forehead is excited and gets the immunity.

Wait, WTF is happening????  Stefan, CJ and Josie are joining the contestants?  Tyler thinks it's "bullshit."  While I am pretty sure that Stefan will certainly provide me with entertainment, I have to sort of agree with his sentiment.  On the other hand, what do you expect, it is a reality show. Mustache man says "Fuck them.  It's our turn!  None of them were able to seal the deal.  I hate them all."  I laugh.

Stefan says he has nothing to prove, but then why is he there?  If his Porsche and restaurants are so awesome  why is he there?  Mostly because he hates Hosea and thinks he should have won I guess.

For the elimination challenge, they will remain on the same teams, making the three comeback contestants a team.  I really don't remember CJ much, but he definitely seems to think he's pretty awesome now, which remains to be seen.

They are cooking in the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle.  I have never been there, because it's is super expensive.

Elimination Challenge

Each team will serve one dish to our the top chef judges and local chef... Tom Douglas!  I swear to god, I did not know that was going to happen.  They have 47 minutes, aka the amount of time it takes for the Space Needle restaurant to rotate once.

Stefan and CJ decide to take eight quails, just to have them?  I don't know what is happening.  Redhead and mustache take a fish that they cannot identify.  That's not going to end well.

After picking their seafood, they head to Olive 8, which is right downtown and looks gorgeous.  The view!  Jeffrey is gay and engaged.  Aw, look how cute they are!

Two teams cook at once.  I am super interested to see how this chili oil poached fish turns out.  I think it's going to be either REALLY good, or REALLY awful.  Almost immediately, I realize that Carla is insane and slightly annoying.  Like Fran Drescher meets some sort of stereotypical Latin cha-cha woman who likes to ayiyiyi a lot.

Gail wants to go fishing while she's in Seattle.

Tom Douglas is adorable.  Seriously.

I really can't stand how that dude is wearing his classes up on his forehead.  It's off to a good start for those teams, the judges like both of the first two dishes.  Stefan says he is used to bigger breasts than the ones the quails have.  HA!

Josie says CJ's cherry emulsion sucks.  The brown haired girl doesn't like the way the fish is cooked.  And it's done.  Stefan says that Gail gives him sweaty armpits.

The third set of teams is up, and luckily the yellow team have figured out that their fish is cod.  Micah's team is making salmon.

The winner is the blue team with their chili poached salmon.   Like I said, it would be awful or great - lucky for them it was the latter.

The veterans end up in the bottom two teams.  Bummer deal.  Padma asks Josie why she thinks they are there and she says "I think possibly something was imperfect..." to which Tom does his signature 'yeah no shit' eyebrow lift and Padma says "Clearly."  Then Tom says "really?" to the idea that she suggests it has to do with texture.  Tom says the quail was overcooked, and I actually feel bad for Stefan, he looks like he is going to cry.

The Knight says he took the lead on the gray team.  He is unhappy at the judges critique.  Stefan compares the top chef contestants to wounded zebras walking around in Africa, making the judges hungry lions.

In the end, Padma asks Jeffrey to pack his knives and go.  Sad.  The title of this episode was "A Shock at the Space Needle" but I'm not sure what the shock was?  I didn't feel shocked by anything.

Next week:  Thanksgiving in Seattle.  Tom says "make cornbread not war."  People swear and yell.

Week 46: Sluggish

Current Weight:  210.4
+/-  this week:  -1.0
+/- this round:   -39.4
+/- total:    -56.6
Short Term Goal:  207 (60 lbs down)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 2+ lbs/wk

Avg weekly loss needed to be under 200 lbs by 12/31/12: 1 lbs/wk

I still haven't been doing great with my eating, but not horrible I guess since I am not gaining weight.  Still not getting much exercise, I am working and reading birth books and that's about it.  I am still confident that I'll be under 200 before the end of the year.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  55.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal) - Met 9/25/12
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 50.4 lbs

Checking In

I am still alive.  Just thought I would post a short note to say so.  There are 15 days until I leave for Dallas to go to my Birth Boot Camp Instructor Training, and I am cramming.  Finishing my reading (God help me), my study guide, and my essay and resource guide I have to make.  I am spending every spare moment on this, so I won't be around much until the trip probably.  Hope everyone else is well!

Week 44: Another surprise

Current Weight:  211.4
+/-  this week:  -1.2
+/- this round:   -38.4
+/- total:    -55.6
Short Term Goal:  207 (60 lbs down)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.9 lbs/wk

I pretty much fell off the wagon the last 2 weeks, and at one point the scale showed a gain of a couple of pounds, and I thought it was accurate. I was surprised to see a loss on the scale this time. Once again, emotional things = me having a much more difficult time controlling my eating habits. Add to that just starting a new job, and having pretty much no time to exercise, and I was totally nervous to go and get weighed. I am also trying to figure out when the best time to go to weigh in is, since I’m working from 8:30 or 9 until 5, and have kiddo drop offs and pick-ups to contend with.

Today I didn’t have to drop Danny at day care since he stated at home with Grandma, so I was able to go in and weigh in on my way to work, so maybe that will work, but if I have him with me and have to get him in and out of the car it will definitely make it take longer. I could also potentially go after work on Tuesday or Thursday when Sam’s grandpa picks him up from the bus and I don’t have to get him from the after school program.

This is all a very big adjustment. I have more to write about that, and I’m hoping to get some time to sit down in the next couple of days and update here about a few things. The good thing about working full time is that when I’m at work, the temptation to just browse the kitchen and eat random crap isn’t there. I’m hoping that will contribute positively to my efforts. The bad part is that there are McDonalds (their breakfast is my weakness) and coffee shops on the way to work, but I can do it once in a while if I plan for it.

As you can see above, my goal of reaching 200 by my birthday in 6 weeks may have become unattainable. Losing effectively 2 lbs a week consistently is not something I’ve done before, and I don’t really know that it’ll happen now, especially with my decreased activity. All my free time over the next month is going to be spent reading and studying for my Birth Boot Camp training. But I definitely think that by the end of 2012, I will be under 200 – for good this time.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  55.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal) - Met 9/25/12
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 51.4 lbs

Week 42: Slow and Steady

Current Weight:  212.6
+/-  this week:  -1.0
+/- this round:   -37.2
+/- total:    -54.4
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal) MET!
New Short Term Goal:  207 (60 lbs down)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.6 lbs/wk

Slow & steady wins the race, right?  I hope so!

Another pound down this week, and in my jeans.  I went over my points last week and didn't get too much exercise.

I need someone to tighten/oil my elliptical machine to see if it'll make it usable after Danny's asleep.  Right now, it's super loud.

This week I met a short term goal - 1/2 of the total weight I'd like to lose is gone.  That's a pretty good milestone.  My next short term goal will be hitting 60 total pounds lost, then after that 199 is really in sight.

Too tired to post much more right now, but hopefully soon!

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  53.4 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal) - Met 9/25/12
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 52.6 lbs

Week 41: Up, Up, and Away!

Current Weight:  213.6
+/-  this week:  -3.6
+/- this round:   -36.2
+/- total:    -53.4
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.5 lbs/wk

Saw a much nicer number on the scale this week!

I stayed under my points and got some good activity.

I am 0.1 lbs away from being halfway to my final goal.

This week, I saw a number on the scale lower than I've seen in a long time.

When I saw it, I realized that part of me didn't think I would ever see that number, or any lower numbers, ever.

I am happy.

I am scared that I'll screw it up.

That I won't make it.

That I'll get stuck again and months will go by with little progress.

But I'm trying to have faith.

I think maybe I CAN do this.

199, here I come.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  53.4 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 53.6 lbs

Spotlight on Surrogacy

I met Tiffany Burke back in January, when my community suffered the tragic loss of a little boy.  I wrote here about how inspired I was by the way the mothers here came together to support the boy's family.  Before I even met Tiffany, I could tell that she had an amazingly big heart.  Tiffany is a professional photographer, and when I suggested the family might like photographs of the memorial service, she offered to do it at no charge, and on short notice.

I went too, and that's where I met her in person for the first time.  She was amazing that day, taking so much time and care to get these photographs.  She has an amazing eye in any situation, and after spending the car ride home with her and another woman I knew that they were good people.  In fact, I liked them so much that I sent them what could have been one of the strangest Facebook messages they'd gotten as of late:

Hi ladies! At the risk of sounding like a total weirdo, I am reaching out to you guys. I really enjoyed meeting you guys (despite the circumstances) and talking last week. I have met a bunch of Moms around Sudden Valley, but I haven't really felt like I connected with that many of them. I do not really have a regular group of girlfriends in Bellingham since we moved back up here three years ago, so I feel like it's silly to meet people who I think are cool and not try to see them again. When we're little kids, we just walk up to other kids we meet on the playground and ask to be friends. Parents arrange playdates, or they see each other at school. As grown ups, I've found it's not so simple, and maybe it should be! So, if you don't think I'm too strange now, I would love to get together for a girls' night out or coffee or lunch or something some time. Thanks again for the ride home!

Luckily for me, they did not think I was a total freak and although we haven't managed to get together yet, I have become friends with them in the Facebook world and enjoy chatting with them and seeing them once in a while around the neighborhood.  Tiffany has a big personality, a big smile, and a generous soul.  No one is perfect, but she is exactly the kind of person you'd want in your life, and an amazing photographer to boot.  Before I shot a friend's wedding last-minute, she invited me over for a couple of hours and gave me all kinds of tips and showed me photos so I would have at least a tiny idea what the heck I was doing.

It wasn't very long after I met Tiffany that I found out that she was taking hormones in preparation for In-Vitro Fertilization.  But, there was a twist.  You see, Tiffany was trying to get pregnant as a surrogate for her brother and his wife.  After they had their first child, her sister-in-law Natalie almost died, and in the process she underwent an emergency hysterectomy.  Not long after, Tiffany felt called to offer to be their surrogate.  I started following their blog, A Belly for Me, A Baby for You and became a fan of their Facebook page.  The first time didn't take, but the second time, they got the news they'd been hoping for!

Prego!

Natalie & James get the good news - their baby is on the way!

Tiffany and her family have decided to share their surrogacy journey with the world for many reasons.  Tiffany's husband Sean is a filmmaker, and they are in filming their journey to create a documentary film.  Why?  In Tiffany's words from their blog:

"Our goal is to help educate people on this world of surrogacy, infertility and to stop the silent suffering from all the women and men out there who have ached to be parents and hit constant emotional speedbumps along the way to their family planning. For every 100 mean comments on an article, we are receiving incredible emails from women who are feeling strength from our story, no longer feeling alone and feeling inspired. We don't want surrogacy to be considered bad or weird. Just like adoption should not be. People plan and make their families in all different ways now. When there are loving families and parents for children to grow up in, I just don't see what all the negative fuss is about. I hope our story continues to reach the people it needs to. Including the negative, judgmental ones. You never know who's mind you may open by speaking up about something so controversial.

As a reminder - I used to think that if you can't have children naturally, you should adopt. I was adopted, two of my brothers were and I have always ached to adopt. My husband and I will be adopting through foster care after the surrogacy. But, I had never been on the other side, I had never heard the hearts of these mothers. I had never taken the time to understand or to even listen. I just thought "my way" of thinking was the righteous one. Walk a mile in someone's shoes, then make up your mind. I never thought I would believe in IVF or surrogacy, let alone be a surrogate! The world is a very interesting place when you choose to open your mind and see it from another person's perspective. 

With all the mixed feedback coming in from the CNN article, it has motivated me even more to get this film made. We know we can make a beautiful film that shoes the ups and downs of surrogacy, infertility and the ins and outs in a medically accurate way. We still have lots left to film, lots more interviews and of course, the birth."

I believe this is a journey worth sharing, for many reasons.  After reading some of the comments on the article Tiffany mentioned in her post, I was shocked and upset about the level of ignorance and mis-information people have about surrogacy and what it means.  I think Tiffany is giving an amazing gift to her brother and his wife, and I admire her and her family for doing it.  It hasn't been easy, she has been very sick (blame twins!), and there are many challenges that come along with the journey.

Here's the thing.  In order to make the documentary a reality, they need backers.  That's where you & I come in.  Every dollar helps, and they have 13 days to reach their goal.  You can find all the information you need at their Kickstarter page:

I would love it if you'd go take a look, share it on your Facebook page, Twitter, or blog, get the word out any way you can, donate a few dollars if you have them.  It would mean a lot to me, and to them!

Dance, Dance

I haven't written about it like I used to, but I am a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance.  The season finale is next week, and this year they're choosing 2 winners - America's Favorite Guy & America's Favorite Girl.  Which is awesome.  I definitely have a preference in the girls - I totally want Eliana to win.  I remember int he beginning of the season liking Chehon and Cyrus immediately, so I'm surprised that my two favorites made it to the finale!  The boys are tougher to choose a favorite from, because I love Cyrus, but in the end I think I'm really rooting for Chehon, and part of the reason for that is two routines he was in over the last couple of weeks.  I remember when I first started watching SYTYCD I didn't "get" contemporary dance.  Then came this routine:

And I got it.  Now, I don't really get Jazz, but we don't need to talk about that right now.  The above routine was the first one on the show that made me cry.  Last week, Chehon and All-Star Kathryn performed a Tyce D'Orio routine that not only had me crying, but rewinding it two watch again.  Twice.

This week?  Chehon did a Stacy Tookey routine with All-Star Allison that had tears in my eyes yet again.

Love.

And then THIS happened.  HOLY CRAP.


Here are a couple of other favorites from this season.

Also, here is a random video I found on YouTube of the top 15 dances (up to a certain point, I'm not sure when) that includes Bleeding Love, the Hummingbird dance, and that awesome addiction routine Mia Michaels did for Kupono and Kayla.



Do you watch this show?  Who do you think should win?  Who got booted that you wished had stayed?  What were your favorites this time around?

Week 40: Sad Trombone

Current Weight:  217.2
+/-  this week:  +1.6
+/- this round:   -32.6
+/- total:    -49.8
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.7 lbs/wk

Well, that crap happened.  Disappointing.  I got a lot of activity points last week.  BUT, I also spread my extra points out throughout the week and that seems to be less effective for me than having one day where I sort of splurge.  Also, I know a few ounces of it was because of the switch to fall clothing instead of getting weighed in the lightest summery clothing I could find.  It's a bit scary because the weekly loss I need went up and it's inched towards 2 lbs a week, which seems less do-able.  Oh well, I'll still try. 

Today another Mom on the playground mentioned that I looked like I'd lost weight and it was nice to have that acknowledgement.  I have lost over 30 pounds since the beginning of last school year, and almost no one has said anything as far as the people I see at the bus stop every day.  Anyhow, it always feels good when someone notices, you know?

This week I am going to be able to get some exercise, and I am going to try to stay under points and think about what I'm eating and not eat late at night.  We'll see what happens.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  49.8 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 57.2 lbs

Why I Love Them

Yesterday at the park, Sam fell in the woods and came out crying.  Danny went right for him and hugged him several times to help him feel better.

This morning, Danny started to cry his eyes out when my Mom was putting him in the car to go with her for the day.  Sam immediately went over there to give him a hug and try to help him feel better.

Tonight, Danny cried when I took him in his room for bedtime.  He didn't want to go, he wanted to watch more Caillou.  After a minute or two of him crying, Sam came up to the door and said "Mommy?"  I asked what, he knows that it can make it take longer for me to put Danny to bed if he comes and talks to me.  But he answered "Sorry for interrupting.  I think Danny is crying because he wants a blanket!"  It was just so... nice.

When I got pregnant with Danny and realized my children would be four full years apart, I was unsure about the age difference.  I thought that four years was a pretty big gap, that they wouldn't play together that much or that maybe they wouldn't be as close.

Sam is such a good big brother.  He tries to help Danny out, to get things for him, to make him feel better.  They chase each other and laugh.  The only reason that Danny went and hugged Sam when he got hurt yesterday is because he learned it from his big brother.  Every kid has their quirks, but Sam is one of the nicest kids I know.  Because of him, Danny will also learn how to be a nice boy and to treat other people nicely.  I am so proud of him.

Watching them be brothers just makes my heart so big I think it might burst.  For every little squabble or fight over a toy, there is another time when Sam hold Danny's hand or helps him reach a toy or when they laugh and jump on the bed or run around the park together.

There are days when I feel like I am failing.  I snap or I yell, I don't have the patience I wish I did.  But when I see them together, caring so much for each other?  I realize that I must be doing SOMETHING right.  I always knew that watching siblings together is an amazing thing.  I knew, but I didn't KNOW.  Now, I do, and it's just about the best thing ever.

Week 39: Keep on Keepin' on

Current Weight:  215.6
+/-  this week:  -1.2 (since last weigh in)
+/- this round:   -34.2
+/- total:    -51.4
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.4 lbs/wk

I finally went in and weighed in today - it had been a month since my last official weigh in.  The Bellingham Weight Watchers moved to a new location last week and it is really nice!  It was fun to go in and they had their mini bars on sale for $2.50 off, so I got a couple of boxes.  The toasted coconut are my favorite - they almost taste like Samoas!  I also got a box of the toffee peanut ones.  I like to take them to the movies with me in place of other candy.

I lost over a pound, which was great, and probably closer to at least 2 pounds since I had gained a tad since last weigh in.  Only 2.1 pounds to my halfway point!  Today is Sam's first day of first grade, so after I weighed in I took Danny downtown and we walked for an hour - he stayed in the stroller for at least 1/2 of it, which was great, then we walked together and looked at things.  It was nice to feel like I am back on track - I only exercised intentionally for the sake of exercise 2 or 3 times over the summer, and that is much easier to do with Sam in school.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  51.4 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 55.6 lbs

Week 38: Weak

Current Weight:  219 (unofficial)
+/-  this week:  +2.2
+/- this round:   -30.8
+/- total:    -48.2
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.6 lbs/wk

Well.  The last 3 weeks have not been great.  Particularly the last week, I had several days of just... a lot of food.  I haven't been exercising.  There are multiple reasons, but foremost is probably the fact that I am exhausted and not in the best emotional state, and that makes eating well or getting moving very, very hard for me.  Sam starts school again next week and that will definitely help in terms of getting exercise.  I'm looking for a job and one benefit to working all day for me is that I can't snack, and maybe I'll get a job in a location where I can walk during my lunch hour, which would be great.  Then I could supplement with higher intensity activity a couple times a week.  Anyhow, not much to say about any of this except I'm starting counting points again today and hopefully next week will show a loss.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  48.2 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 58.4 lbs

Until...

The morning was going so smoothly, my Mom had to pick up the kids early to take them to the day care with her and I thought I'd have to wake Sam up.  I was pleasantly surprised when he woke up a bit before 7 and came out into the living room.  They watched cartoons, I made breakfast, got dressed with no troubles at all.  We had already talked about him going with Grandma today and he was fine with it.

Until...

It was 7:45, right in the window where I knew she'd be getting here to pick them up.  And suddenly, Sam wanted to play a Wii game.  I told him that there was no time, Grandma would be here any minute.  He put on a short video and when it was over, he again said he wanted to play Wii.  I told him again there was not time, that we wouldn't be able to play a level.  Right as he switched the TV over to the Wii anyway, my Mom walked in the front door.

And the devolution began.

Arguing.  Crying.  Telling me I was not right before that there hadn't been time, and if I'd just let him do it this would not be happening.

Explaining.  Trying to reason.  Telling him I have an important appointment this morning and that even if he didn't go, he would not be able to play because I would be very sad and frustrated and would not be letting him stay home and play video games.  Pleading.  Trying to get him to tell me why he is doing this.  Telling him I really NEED him to go with Grandma today.  Offering different toys he can take if he wants to.

Turning red.  Big tears.  Raised voice.  Then, clammed up and refusing to talk.

I carried him to the door.  I put him down and tried to get his shoes on, and when he wouldn't do it, I picked them up and I carried him out to the car.  I put my 6 year old into the car crying and telling me he wanted to stay home with me.  One of those two little pieces of my heart that walk around outside of me, and I strapped it in and shut the door.

I couldn't even make it back into the house before I started to cry.

My Mom told me that he'd be fine, he'd get over it, that it was okay, and she hugged me.

But it's times like these that I feel like I am letting him down, that I must be failing somehow, that I shouldn't be forcing him to be away from me.

And inside me, it's a hurricane, because I NEED this job interview today, and I NEED some time away from them, and there are things I need to get done, and I know that giving in to some stupid demand about a video game to make this not happen isn't the answer either.  And I know he'll be fine, he'll be okay and he'll probably have a fun day, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

The ugly cry starts before I even get the door shut.  Gut wrenching sobs because this is not how things are supposed to feel, and on top of everything else in my life I just can't bear it.  One of the hardest parts of our transition into two households so far has been when Daddy comes home and I leave.  He tells me not to.  He doesn't like being left with anyone but Daddy or Grandma, but if he's in a certain mood even those choices aren't what he wants.  He just wants me all the time.  This isn't totally a new thing, but hearing if hearing your 6 year old tell you "this is too much leaving!" doesn't feel like a punch in the gut, then I don't know what does.  I can't bear him asking me not to leave him.

Guilt crashes down on me like ocean waves and I curl up and cry and cry and cry.

How do I do this?  I don't know how.  How am I going to make it okay when I have to work full time for Sam to be away from me?  How am I going to be there for him and somehow also be there for myself?  My emotions are running high, of course.  The last two years have been difficult, and while the impending final end of my marriage has it's good sides, it also just sucks.  Some days, I just don't know how to do all of this, to be the person I need to be to raise two healthy boys and stay sane and somehow support us all emotionally and financially.  And I'm okay most of the time.

Until.

Until I have a morning like this where I just feel so far gone, and still need to pull myself together and go to a job interview for a part time job, which still leaves me worried because I'll probably need two part time jobs to get by and what about health insurance?  Until I am tired because Danny woke up 8 times last night.  Until I'm blindsided by Sam refusing to even talk to me until he begs me to stay with him.  Until I just can't take it anymore.  Until I sit down to write this and start to cry again because I just feel raw.

And I let myself, because it's the only way.  And I know that in an hour, after I shower and get dressed I'll be okay.  But I'm walking on the edge, and sometimes I fall, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Incredible Life

My life continues to be incredible.  I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that there are so many good things I'm feeling and so many bad things and so much disappointment all at once.  I am still looking for a job, and it's incredibly frustrating to say the least.  I can't move forward with anything else in my life really until I get one, so there is this holding pattern that is pretty annoying.  I have had a few interviews that I've thought went well only to be turned down or not contacted yet again.  I try not to get my hopes up, but I really need something, and every time I read a job description that seems perfect I just want it so badly.

I am super exhausted, though I will have some much needed time off this week.  Having the kids with me 90% of the time is just exhausting, and I usually end up staying up too late at night doing who knows what, job searching, Facebook, and whatever other distractions I find.  We are still struggling a lot every day with Sam's encopresis, and it's slow going and hard work and fighting and tears.  My spirit is getting a little bit of nourishment from my work with birth-related things and photography, but at the same time it feels frayed and worn down and a little flat.

Three weeks ago, I wrote about how one of my long-time dreams is coming true as I prepare to fly to Dallas to be trained as a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.

Since then I've managed to raise, earn, and scrounge enough money together to cover over 1/2 of my costs.  I got $120 in donations from three very generous people who I appreciate very much.  I had a garage sale and made $100.  I sold some old jewelry I had around for a significant chunk, and I photographed my first wedding - a friend who paid me a couple hundred bucks.  It is all slowly but surely coming together.  BUT, I still need to raise $800, $500 for the hotel (it will be a bit less, but I want to be safe) and $300 to pay the rest of my course tuition.  So, I'm going to put up the donate button again with some of the original text I posted the first time, because I need this.  I will try to start posting more often soon, when Sam is back in school and my life is becoming more regular that will be easier.

So, I've decided that just this once, I am going to flat out ask.  I'm trusting the universe here, and relying on the kindness and generosity of my family, my friends, and of any generous strangers that may happen to be out there.  I'm putting my pride aside because this is more important to me than almost anything I've ever done before.  And I'm hoping and praying and trusting that I will find a way to make this happen.

This is a button.  You can use it to donate if you feel like you want to.  It's directly connected to my paypal account and you can use paypal or a card.  Select 'gift' as the reason for sending money.

Some people will think this is completely tactless or inappropriate.  Maybe it is.  That's fine.  I'm okay with whatever people think.  If you don't like it, just ignore it.  I am just as happy to receive well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts.  But for once in my life, I am not going to feel embarrassed reaching out to people who may be kind and want to help me do something.  If When I reach my goal, I'll remove it.  Every penny I get will be put towards the cost of the workshop, airfare, hotel and my reading materials.  If you feel inclined to share this, I'd appreciate it.  If you sort of want to punch me right now, then please just move on and try to forget this ever happened.

Week 35: 200 Sticks of Butter

Current Weight:  216.8
+/-  this week:  -0.8
+/- this round:   -33
+/- total:    -50.4
Current Short Term Goal:  217 (50 pounds lighter) Reached!
New Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.12 lbs/wk

Here I am!  50 pounds lighter than where I started.

I have officially lost the equivalent of my six year old.  Or, my favorite reminder when I start to think a pound isn't that much, I have now lost 200 sticks of butter.  TWO HUNDRED.

It wasn't a GREAT week because I didn't get a ton of exercise, but it was good.  I feel like I am really going somewhere.  With everything that's going on, I've had some hard days, but exciting things are happening which I promise to write more about soon.

I have added a new thing to track up there at the top, the average # of pounds I need to lose per week to reach my goal for my birthday.  I'll adjust it as I weigh in each week.  My new short term goal is 213.5, which will mark the halfway point to my goal.  It's hard for me to believe that I could lose as much as I have, and it's only halfway.  I can't believe that's where I was.  There is probably a lot more to say about that, but not right now because dangit it is midnight again and I'm up, just like every night, I am having a hell of a time getting to bed when I should!

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  49.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 56.2 lbs

Ball of Confusion

My life is a big ball of confusion and emotion. Awesome things have been happening, I started my reading for my Birth Boot Camp training and am super excited about it. The new website is awesome and growing and I can't wait for the stuff I am planning next to grow it. But at the same time this week has been extremely difficult, especially the last 3 or 4 days.  I am still looking for a job and bot finding much, and I feel like the next stage of my life can't truly begin until I find one.  I am super emotional, frustrated with the kids, and really wanting to be alone more than anything else.  And I can't be.  It is frustrating that I am frustrated.  I feel annoyed and guilty and bad-mothery.  I am turning into one of those Facebookers I hate who post depressing repetitive statuses.  I feel better and I feel worse.  I have good friends and I can't imagine what I would do without them.  I am a Debbie Downer.  I have no balance.  I have to give myself time but I have to figure out how to do that and not be a crappy mom. I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Week 34: Back on the Wagon!

Current Weight:  217.6
+/-  this week:  -2.0
+/- this round:   -32.2
+/- total:    -49.6
Current Short Term Goal:  217 (50 pounds lighter)

I finally made it in to town to a meeting after being back on the wagon for a week - counted points for everything I ate and even got a little activity.  It's been a while, but I realized if I want to reach my birthday goal of being under 200 lbs on Nov 23, I needed to start getting serious again.

I was pleased at the scales today - two pounds gone and I'm less than 1/2 a pound away from being down a total of 50 pounds.  Lately everything has been changing, and I am feeling proud of myself for the weight I've already lost.  I often just think about how much is left to go, but the reality is that 50 lbs is nothing to sneer at, is it?

I was talking to some ladies in my book club about running and how I would like to try running, but I don't like how it feels.  They recommended getting some compression gear so I could run with less... movement... I might look into that.  I feel like I would like to do Couch to 5K, so maybe when I get a job I'll invest in some gear and some good shoes.

Well, I am going to sneak in a quick workout before I go over and pick up the boys from my Mom's house.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  49.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 57.6 lbs

Endings and Beginnings: Big Announcements & Humble Requests

Hi.  Remember me?  I am still here.

In the last several months, my life has changed fairly dramatically.

There is no easy way to say this.  Justin and I are getting a divorce.  Everything behind it has just been A LOT.  This is the thing I couldn't talk about before.  Nothing official as far as paperwork has been done, but we have been living apart for a little while.  It seems to go without saying that the whole thing has been really hard, but it's the best thing for us and our family.

Since we've been apart, I have been looking more seriously for a job, and considering full time work instead of just part time.  This has also been a real challenge, and I have not found one yet.  It's a little frustrating.  But I'm chugging along.

During this time, I also started a project which began as a little blog and has since morphed into a big website that I am working on a lot and totally in love with.

I am very, very excited about it and am hoping to develop a comprehensive resource for my community.  I have tons of ideas about networking and things that I am working on and brainstorming about.

During this time, I have been reconnecting with old friends and connecting with new friends.  I met a woman in my mom's group who is also passionate about birth and we talked about the website and other things.  I told her that someday, I want to become a birth educator.  Lately, I have found myself telling that to several people with the caveat someday, eventually, when I'm able.

Last weekend, I was looking at the website for Birth Boot Camp (again).  Birth Boot Camp is a new childbirth education class that was developed this year and focuses on natural birth and breastfeeding education.  It's not widespread yet because it's new, and they are putting on workshops every few months to educate new instructors.  On a whim, I decided to apply.  When I looked at it a few months ago, the fact that it was in Dallas and the cost of the workshop seemed insurmountable.  When I looked at it last week I started to think... well, I could probably raise the money... right?

I applied.

I GOT ACCEPTED.

I wish I even had the words to describe how I feel about this.  It's a dream for me.  I am taking this chance and following my heart and my passion.  I will still need to get another job, but this is my focus for the moment, and I am excited and feel blessed that I will get to follow my dreams and not wait for "someday."

But... there's a catch.  The thing is that right now, I don't actually have the money for the full cost of the workshop, plane tickets, hotel and materials.  The total is going to be around $1700.  I am doing a garage sale tomorrow, and I have a few other ideas, but I need help.

Like most people, I don't like asking for help.  I like asking for financial help even less.  It just seems so... tacky?  Personal?  Weak?  I don't know.  The thing is, right now, asking could be the difference between doing what I really, really want to in life and... well, not doing it.

So, I've decided that just this once, I am going to flat out ask.  I'm trusting the universe here, and relying on the kindness and generosity of my family, my friends, and of any generous strangers that may happen to be out there.  I'm putting my pride aside because this is more important to me than almost anything I've ever done before.  And I'm hoping and praying and trusting that I will find a way to make this happen.

This is a button.  You can use it to donate if you feel like you want to.  It's directly connected to my paypal account and you can use paypal or a card.  Select 'gift' as the reason for sending money.

Some people will think this is completely tactless or inappropriate.  Maybe it is.  That's fine.  I'm okay with whatever people think.  If you don't like it, just ignore it.  I am just as happy to receive well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts.  But for once in my life, I am not going to feel embarrassed reaching out to people who may be kind and want to help me do something.  If When I reach my goal, I'll remove it.  Every penny I get will be put towards the cost of the workshop, airfare, hotel and my reading materials.  If you feel inclined to share this, I'd appreciate it.  If you sort of want to punch me right now, then please just move on and try to forget this ever happened.  :-)

This year, everything in my life is changing.  Instead of just going about my business waiting for my life to be the life I want, I am going to find it.  I'm going to find it, and grab it, and hold on for dear life and see where it takes me.

A Prayer for Aurora

It is 10:07 on a Friday night, and in our culture is one of information-this-minute.  It feels like old news to talk about something that happened 22 hours ago, even though in reality the ramifications of this morning's tragedy will last years.

I had a busy day without much computer time until after the kids were in bed, and I didn't have time to think about last night's shooting at the midnight show of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado.  It is so hard to think about these things happening in the places where we are most relaxed, and where we feel safe.  At school, at work, places we are comfortable because we are there every day.  And now, at the movie theater, where we go to get away.  Christopher Nolan, director of the movie, said the following:

"The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me," Nolan said in a statement on behalf of the cast and crew of the film. "Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."

I can imagine how devastating it would be, in much the same way it was devastating for teachers when the first school shootings started to happen.  This is his livelihood, his life, his ART, and it is painful to have this kind of mark thrown across it.

Then the kids were in bed, and a story came up in my feedreader on MamaPop.  In "The Batman Massacre And How We Grapple With Tragedy", Kristine wrote:

"At the time of this writing, there’s still very little known about the details surrounding this shooting. We do know that it happened in a packed movie theater during a midnight showing of Batman. We also know that the gunman was 24 years old and was taken, without struggle, into police custody shortly after the shooting. And we know that many people–children included–are dead, and even more–an infant included–are wounded.

And what the hell are we supposed to do with this information? Other than rage and plead and beg for it to stop?"

Honestly, what can we do?  We cannot do anything.  It is done.  For whatever reason, this young man decided to go out and murder a bunch of people, and in a setting where they felt completely safe.  He did not discriminate by age, sex, or anything.  People can argue about security, gun control, weapons control; but it seems like those who are compelled to harm in this manor will always find a way.

For whatever reason, because of the way things are, everyone has to give a quote about how sad and shocked they are, from the studio heads to the directer to others in Hollywood.  They have to worry about the trailers being shown in the theaters and be asked if they think this will affect the box office for opening weekend of their new movie.  I see the headlines and wonder how ridiculous the media can be to ask these questions, but for some people this is their livelihood.  Movie theater owners and workers, and who knows who else.  For some people, asking these questions is how they will try to push down their feelings about what's happened, they will look at the numbers and facts and forget about the emotions.

Other people will immerse themselves in debate.  Is this movie too violent?  Are movies these days too violent as a whole?  Have we become desensitized?!  Do we need more gun control?  In one comment I read, someone jokingly mentioned an Entertainment Safety Administration ala the TSA.  It seems ridiculous, but honestly, before 9/11 you could walk into the airport without much of a problem.  People will start to question and start to blame, and they will put police at the doors even though the likelihood of anything like this happening again this weekend is probably absurdly low.

In her article, Kristin ended by saying this:

"Each of us is trying to wrestle with some massive and intangible monster. Sometimes that fight looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like disillusionment. Sometimes it is simply a tremendous pile of sorrow and helplessness.  

 Let’s be gentle with each other. Let’s be self-aware and kind and do our best to shine a little extra light into a day that is so filled with darkness."

That is where my heart lies.  As human beings, it is not our job to debate about gun control, to demonize the shooter, to discuss little kids in movie theaters at midnight or to judge the situation in any number of ways, really.  It IS our job to feel compassion, to offer whatever love we have, and to hold each other up.  To help others when they need it in whatever tiny way we can.  This is not about gun control or politics, this is about people.

I can scarcely bring myself to imagine the terror of being in a movie theater by myself and having this kind of thing happen.  Let alone being in a crowded theater.  Let alone with my best friends or children, the people I love most in the world.  I cannot comprehend the horror of it.  Some of them will not be able to go out in public.  Some of them will never go to the movies again.  Some of them will need years of therapy.

Tonight I will lie awake in bed, and I will pray for the victims of the shooting.  For their peace, their eventual happiness to return.  I will send any positive thoughts and energy I have to these people, who are confused, and hurt, and terrified, and feeling things they didn't even know were possible.  I will pray for the families of the people who died.  They have lost the ones they love suddenly and tragically and violently.  I will pray for their peace, and for the ability to remember the good times, and to be left alone if that is what they want.  There are probably hundreds of people in Aurora who are currently having the worst day of their entire life, and that is... well, there are no words.  For some, it won't be, because one of the first major school shootings ever happened in Littleton, only 13 miles away.  And there are no words for that either.  No one should have to experience one tragedy like this, let alone two.

I will pray for the owner of the theater, whose workplace has been turned into a place of tragedy.  I will pray for the workers whose regular shift turned into something terrible.  For the police who had to respond, and for the EMTs and doctors and nurses who saved lives, and for those who couldn't because there was nothing they could do.

This is also not about crucifying the shooter.  I will pray for him too, because he obviously has monumental problems that I cannot imagine.  Because until more news comes out, I don't know if he is sick or crazy or has had terrible things happen to him.  I do not know why he did this, and I don't care.  He is in custody, and he cannot hurt anyone else now.  I hope that if he needs help, he gets it.  I know it won't be a comfort to anyone who was in that theater, or lives in that town, but maybe it will be to his family.  Speaking of whom, they'll be in my prayers as well.  In these cases, it seems like at some point people always decide to question and blame the parents.  How insensitive can you get?  They have lost everything too, their child, the life they had, it is all gone.  They will worry for their son, their brother, or whoever it is to them, and they will wonder how this possibly could have happened.  Before people start to blame them, they will probably wonder if they could have somehow prevented this.  They will forever be conflicted with the love and pain in their hearts over their son and the pain and desperation they will feel when thinking about the victim's and their families.  I will not judge them.  I will pray that somehow they'll find peace too.

In the end, none of this will affect my everyday life.  I don't know these people, and it is a terrible, sad, tragic event, but it will have no impact.  But for tonight, I will wonder why, and I will let myself cry and in the end I will pray.  Because it's all I can do.

Week 31: 19 Weeks to Lose 19 Pounds

Current Weight:  219.6
+/-  this week:  -0.0
+/- this round:   -30.2
+/- total:    -47.6
Current Short Term Goal:  217 (50 pounds lighter)

I didn't got to a meeting this week or go get weighed in.  We are in the middle of a sort of cleanse with Sam that makes it easiest to stick close to home.  


When I wrote up my goals for 2012, one of them was to be under 200 lbs by my birthday (Nov 23).  I am halfway to that goal, and there are 19 weeks left.  I need to lose 19 pounds by then.  This should not be hard.  Maybe I can even make it to 192, which would be a total loss of 75 lbs.  Mostly though, before I turn 32, I want to see 199.9 on my scale.

One of my other goals was to exercise at least 3 times a week, which up until summer vacation, I've actually been doing pretty well on.  Now that I'm counting and getting back to accountability, I'll have to start looking for my activity points again.  I have been making an effort to still get the kids to bed fairly close to their usual time, but really I could do it after I put Danny to bed even if Sam's still up.  Maybe.  We'll see.

So that's that.  I'll do an official weigh in next week.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  47.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 59.6 lbs

A Conversation

This occurred when Sam was almost 4.

Sam:  I'm the Mayor, what do you want?

Me:  A hundred dollars.

Sam:  No, you give us money and we give stuff back.

Me:  A unicorn.

Sam:  A real one?

Me:  Yes.

Sam:  That's alive?

Me:  Yes.

Sam:  That's unavailable.  There's only one that's made of crap.

Introducing: Born in Bellingham

Yesterday, an idea struck me and I couldn't let it go.  After reading another inspiring birth story in my Bellingham Mamas group on Facebook, I started to think that it would be really cool to have a place online for all of us to share our stories and inspire other women.  Out of that, this was born.

From the homepage:

This is a place for local mamas to share their inspiring birth stories. From time to time, we will also feature birth stories from outside of Washington, but we're starting right here at home. We believe that birth is amazing and can be one of the most empowering things a woman experiences in life. We also believe that all mothers deserve recognition for their strength, whether their baby was had at home, in a hospital, with an epidural or without, or by c-section. Each birth is different, and each is powerful in it's own way. By sharing our stories, we hope to inspire, empower and educate other women in Bellingham and the rest of the world.

So, I would love for you to check it out.  And if you're in Bellingham, or Washington in general, or wherever really, I want to include YOUR birth story.  This is small for now, but I'm hoping that it will grow and be something really special for my community.  I feel a little spark... like maybe this is just the beginning of me getting involved in a field I am really passionate about.

Hannah Montana and a Raccoon

Bad Days

Yesterday was a bad day.

It started okay, with Sam sleeping in until 9.

We were going to a garden party, hosted by one of the moms from my Facebook mama's group.

I was really looking forward to meeting and chatting with a bunch of awesome women I'd never met before.

20 minutes into it Sam started to whine and complain about how he didn't want to be there.

After another 20 minutes, including whining and sitting down in the grass and crying and begging me to leave, I decided we would.

There was no point in sitting there and making everyone else listen to it, and I wasn't getting to talk to anyone other than Sam.

I was mad at him because there was another kid there his age, who had ninja turtle toys no less, and Sam refused to even talk to him.

He would not make any effort to have a good time.

I said, fine, let's go but told him we were NOT going home to watch game videos or play the Wii, and that he would not get everything he wanted today.

Total meltdown.

He cried all the way home and for a while after.

Telling me he was sad, telling me to apologize, telling me he felt like I didn't love him, that it was not a good day etc.

I cried too.

It's hard when things like this happen normally, but with the extra rawness of my emotions and stress from other stuff going on, it is horrible.

He finally calmed down but had another mini meltdown when I would not let him watch one of his videos before leaving for the doctor.

Then we went to the doctor.

Sam's encopresis is not solved in any way.

We got an X-Ray and it turns out that, in fact, it is WORSE now than it was in April.

Which means either the cleanout we did before did not work all the way.  OR it has somehow gotten this bad again in only 2 months, despite regular BMs.

I know this is gross, but I am so incredibly frustrated.

We have to do the cleanout again, and it's really hard for both of us.

He has to take a lot of medicine, and we are pretty much housebound for at least 4-5 days.

It is messy.

And unpleasant.

I am worried that there is something else wrong, but everything I read about impacted bowels just says this is the cause.

We are supposed to go back to the doctor in 2-3 weeks.

I will ask for another X-Ray then, to make sure that it worked and we are really starting from empty this time.

Part of me hopes that it will show that it didn't fully work.

Because then I wouldn't feel so crappy about not doing it right the first time, and somehow messing up the last 2 months so we have to go through all of this again.

I cried on the way home from there too.

Danny was super fussy after we got home.

I am exhausted.

I got time to myself last night, but now it's 9 am and I'm already on the edge today.

Sam is being good, but Danny is being a pill.

He won't eat the food I give him, and I can tell he is hungry and would be happier if he would eat something.

He is whining and hitting his brother.

Justin and I conflicted this morning too which never helps the day start off well.

I feel like I want to run away for a week and just be by myself.

Maybe in a few hours I will feel better.

But for now, it's just bad days.