Wordless Wednesday: Cherub

Taken @ St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City 1999

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Unravelling Like a $2 Sweater

He isn't listening, and instead of getting his shirt on he climbs from the chair to the couch and stands behind me. He leans on my back with his arms around my neck and tells me he wants to play horsie.

Mommy can't play horsie right now, sweetie. That's a game for Daddy or Grandma.

But he WANTS to. His arms tighten and I trundle up off the couch. As he whines, I feel the tears start to come.

Sam, I can't right now, you know that. Can you please get your shirt on?

More whining and I leave him to watch Max & Ruby. I feel myself unravelling. It's not the beginning and it's been going on for days. Maybe even longer, it's hard to say. I sit in the living room, thankful the TV has his attention for the moment as I root for a tissue and hold my head in my hands.

I don't like to cry in front of him. It makes me feel like a terrible mother.

I feel like I am failing right now, failing at almost everything. I walk into my house and it's a mess. But I can't seem to find the strength, mental or physical, to fix it. I am not a good mother right now - my temper is short and my frustration level is high. When he doesn't listen, instead of the patience I can normally provide, I feel overwhelmed and tears fill my eyes. It is completely ridiculous. It could be something as simple as me asking him to come get his pants on and him not replying. And once I get started? It's so hard to stop. The tears flow so easily, so steadily. Sometimes they are quiet. Sometimes, if I feel like it's safe and I won't have to explain myself, if I'm alone, they turn louder and I sob.

I know that he can sense change, he can sense that I'm not normal, and it just makes him want to be close to me even more. But my body is already not my own, and sometimes I just want him to give me a little space.

I am not a good wife right now either. My temper is not only short with Sam, but with Justin too. I tell him I need more help. But what I really need is for him to take over. Maybe that's not fair, and I get that. But I can't bend over. I desperately want to move things, to clean, and I'm not physically capable. It's beyond frustrating.

I pride myself on organization, on tidiness. Last week I cancelled the playdate scheduled at my house because I knew I just couldn't get it clean in time. This weekend, I am supposed to have people over on Saturday AND Sunday and I am not sure how to get ready in time.

I am in control of nothing.

Mentally, I can see logic, but it doesn't stop me from feeling overwhelmed. I curl up like a child and cry, and on top of everything else I feel selfish and unreasonable.

What do I have to be so sad about, really? Life is good. We'll meet our baby soon and we have a great new job and spring is here, it's sunny and nice. When I walk outside, it's to the scent of freshly cut grass. I am in good health. I am loved so much by so many people. My pregnancy is going well, my baby is going to be here soon. So light, and yet I feel dark and heavy.

Physically, my body is not my own. Hormones course through my veins and I have no power to stop how they make me feel, when they make me feel it.

My stomach is huge and uncomfortable. Walking is no longer just something I do, it's a conscious act. I've gained 7 pounds in 3.5 weeks and sometimes when the baby moves, I have to push him back to a different position because he's hurting me.

I can't sleep. I'm throwing up again, unpredictably. Friday morning, last night, and at 4 AM when I got up to go to the bathroom. My body wants food, but nothing sounds or looks appealing. I feel like I need to eat constantly, but at the same time I don't feel like eating. There seems little reason to what will improve my stomach, and what will make me sick.

My to-do list is a mile long. Things that used to be easy, like picking up the living room, are daunting to me now. I have not done a good job of teaching Sam to pick up after himself, but I don't have the patience to start right now. I can't bend over and pluck up the dirty clothes or toys. I almost can't reach the bottom of the washer and the back of the drier. I can't carry more than a couple of pounds, so there are things that need to take out to the garage that just sit. I can no longer carry anything up the stairs - it's hard enough just to carry myself up.

I can ignore it all for a while. Getting caught up in Google Reader, or taking Sam down to the bus stop and playing for a few minutes in the driveway. But it catches me again, when Justin calls to say Hi and I tell him that I had a bad morning, it all just rushes back and I find myself in tears again. When I call my Mom to check in about our book club meeting and she asks how I am.

I hate writing about it. I hate that it is how it is. I feel like a big jerk baby, and I don't want to spread my negativity. But at the same time, how do I write about anything else right now? There are 10 posts in my draft folder I'd rather be finishing, but I just can't do it right now.

I can't wait to meet my baby, but at the same time I am scared. I would be stupid not to be, really. Two kids instead of one. Not knowing how Sam will react. Not knowing how I'll do since Justin won't be home like he was last time. Maybe it will be easy. We'll make the adjustment, and we'll be a family of four. We have other help, my Mom and her husband especially, and my Mother-in-law Deanna and her husband. They will help with Sam. Mom will take time off work. Deanna wil take Sam to her place for a visit. We will be okay. It's just hard to see it sometimes.

Now I sit on the couch wondering what to do next. It's been hours since I started writing this. It's come a little at a time, any more and I can't hold back the tears. The baby is pressing on my bladder and at the same time my ribs. I am hungry and not sure what to eat. I have an hour and a half before Sam gets home and there is so much to be done, but I really just want to take a nap.

I almost don't want to hit publish. What's the point? I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want people to think that I think I have a terrible life. I have no idea what I want. This isn't even good writing. It's disjointed - how could it not be? This is just me. Right now.

35 Weeks: UGH

I am now 35 weeks pregnant. First, let's talk about how I felt last time I was 35 weeks pregnant. Here is an excerpt from an entry from April 2006, when I was pregnant with Sam:

Do you hear that? 26 days until this little guy is due to join us in the world. I can't believe it. Things are going all right. I've been getting some stuff done during the day, but when it's later at night I still feel anxious, and my head is filled with the things I still have to get done. But, I have gotten the following done this week:

• Put together the crib.
• Put together the toy box. This was actually an ordeal, as I mentioned in the photo album. I put the whole thing together myself and then got to the LAST step, which was attaching the safety springs so the lid won't fall down. After I attached them, it would not close! I almost went crazy, and Justin finally figured out that the wood blocks that are attached to the lid to screw the springs into had been attached upside down at the factory. For some reason, the one thing they had to do themselves, they couldn't do right. Sigh.... all is well now though, and the toy box is very cute.
• Called & set up the first delivery for our diaper service.
• Called & made an appointment with the pediatrician next week.
• Cleaned out the storage at our apartment to make a little more room for whatever we need it for.
• Packed up some glasses in the kitchen cabinets to make room for the bottles & put them in.
• Went to Babies R Us again and got a few more things I needed.
• Talked to Kira about picking up our dresser, which is finally in.
  

Now, let's talk about things I got done this week, with 32 days left to go:

• Overreact several times (a day)
• Cry three times at the show "Parenthood."
• Clean approximately .75 rooms per day, then feel like I needed a nap afterwards.
• Not take a shower for several days.
• Wish Justin was home from work. Despite the fact that he is at his awesome new job, which became paperwork official on Wednesday and is great so far.
• Give Sam a bath when I realized I didn't know when he'd had his last one.
• Wash a load of baby clothes, then abandon them in the drier. Also abandoned the second load in the washer, and now it needs to be washed again.

Um... yeah. We don't have a crib set up for Danny, and we have no place in the kitchen to keep bottles. We need to pack up the fine china and get it back to Justin's Mom, but we don't have the right containers, and that hasn't happened yet.

Since we seem to be on a roll with lists, here is a list of things that I am currently unable to do, which is quite frustrating:

• Keep my house clean because every task takes 100 times more energy than it used to.
• Manage my diet effectively because really it seems like I need to be eating constantly and I'm just not accustomed to it. Also, half the time nothing sounds good at all.
• Go more than 20 minutes without peeing. Okay, I may be exaggerating a little bit but c'mon... we should have bought stock in toilet paper.
• Walk more than 5 feet or 3 stairs without feeling like I need an inhaler.
• Explain to Sam why he can't climb on, push on, knee, elbow or sit on my stomach in any manner that seems to mean anything to him.
• Prevent myself from becoming frustrated in about 10 seconds. Apparently my rope has become about an inch long, and it doesn't take much for me to reach the end of it.
• Go grocery shopping at a reasonable pace (I move like a tortoise) and not feel like my belly is about to fall off when I'm done.

With Sam, I made it to less than a week before his due date before I felt "done." If you've ever been pregnant, you know what I'm talking about - reaching that plateau where you feel done and start to wish that the baby would come early. I never wished for or thought Sam would come early, but now I find myself thinking that I wouldn't mind if Danny showed up a week or two before he's due!

At the same time, I don't feel ready! We still have stuff we need to get, including clothes and bottles, and the baby's room? Not ready in ANY way. But hey, we don't need too much, right? A few outfits, some diapers... In any case, I know he's still growing and I am okay if it goes all the way, but I'm pretty sure if he's late I'm going to punch someone.

Speaking of growing, do you want to know how I know he's growing? Because I have gained SIX POUNDS in the last three weeks. Two a week. That's right. I went 33 weeks without gaining weight, and then BOOM! I don't feel too bad about it since I lost 10 lbs early on, so right now I'm at the weight I started at 8 months ago. Even if I gain 2 pounds a week until I have this baby, I'll end up a little lighter than when I started after he comes out. Not too bad! BUT, it is still disconcerting to see the numbers on the scale go up so much after such a long plateau!

We still have not chosen a middle name yet. We have not talked about it lately, but we were at a sort of impasse last time we did. So, we'll see!

At my last midwife appointment, I met her assistant, who was very nice. She also felt Danny is head down now. It's weird because he's curved so that his back is on my left side and his butt/feet are on my right. So, I only feel movement one one side ever. I feel big rolling movements when he shifts his body/butt and kicks. I also feel him punching me in the crotch sometimes. Thanks for that, little dude. At this point sometimes I have to push at him when he moves a certain way because it can get uncomfortable when he stretches my belly too much!

I will post a belly picture this weekend when I hit 36 weeks, I didn't get one last weekend. For now all I really want is to take about 2 naps a day and sleep for 15 hours a night. Oh well, we can't always get what we want.

Wordless Wednesday: Friends

From an outing last summer, young friends.

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Where to Find me Online

So, there are all these crazy sites out there for networking and communities and this and that and the other thing.

Yesterday I finally set up a profile at The Blog Frog. See that little widget over in my sidebar? It's a cool site where you can follow blogs and instantly have an easy forum for connecting and discussions. I've seen in a couple of different places and decided to give it a try, so if you're so inclined, please come visit me and connect with me and my readers there!

Here are some other places you can find me online...

Facebook
Twitter
Yelp
Twitter Moms
The Savvy Source
LinkedIn
Parents Connect

Where can I connect with you?

Boundless Blessings

It's been almost a week since we found out about the job. The job that we were hoping so hard for. The possibility that kept us up in the air for two weeks, that we were waiting, walking on eggshells and praying for after his unexpected layoff. The job that got him excited about the possibilities for the first time in a long time.

There are a lot of reasons that this job seems so wonderful. Justin will be working as a computer programmer again at Whatcom Community College. Despite his foray back into tech support/networking for the last couple of years, programming is what he loves to do. I know that recently he's felt uninspired and longed for the days when he got paid to go and actually create something. Beyond the actual job, there is the location.

We both have ties to the community college, but Justin's are very strong. His dad was the President of the college for the years between 1984 and 2007. He built it up from one building out in the county to what it is now - an 8 building campus close to the mall and many other things that also got built up during that time. Justin has been around the campus and connected to the college since he was 4 years old, both of us were students there. Justin worked there previously while he was a student, with the same guy he's working with now, who he really likes.
Justin's older brother got married in the theater there, and a couple of years later, Justin and I got married AND had our reception there!

In the Heiner Center Theater:

Justin in front of the Heiner Center on the fountain:

Not only is it a special place for us, but I think that Justin is going to do amazingly well in an academic environment. Not only that, but the hours will be more regular, he'll get actual vacation time, paid holidays, and life/disability insurance for the first time since Sam was born.

Anyhow, I didn't necessarily mean to go on so long about WHY we were so excited, but there it is! Where I'm really going with this post is a little bit darker, but bright in the end.

The week and a half in between when Justin got laid off and when we found out he got this job were really hard. We have been in situations before when we were counting pennies and living paycheck to paycheck. But this was different. For a THANKFULLY very short while, we were not sure how we were going to buy food for ourselves. Not knowing at all what the future holds is not easy. Add to it the way Justin's job ended and that he was feeling pretty low during that time, pregnancy hormones, and that Sam could sense that something was not going so well around here... it was painful.

I was panicked almost daily about our financial situation and what we were going to do. Even now, it's a little bit tough to try and plan out the next month not knowing when we ill get our first paycheck and when Justin's official first day will be at the new job.

But through all that darkness, there was something that we sometimes forget about. There was a light shining all around us. Sometimes it does take a hard time to remind you of the amazing people that are in your life. In a time when fear easily overwhelmed me, these people were there to grab my hands, lift me up, and tell me that I wasn't alone.

The generosity of our families, and of one friend in particular, blew me away. Honestly, to the point of having no words that could express how grateful I was that we are blessed with these incredible, loving people in our lives.

Because of them, we will be able to get through the next month until Justin gets paid again. Because of them we have plenty of food in our fridge. Because of them, Sam had an Easter Basket this year. Because of them we know we'll be able to afford gas to get to appointments and for Justin to drive to work. Because of them we'll be able to pay our bills in April and still have something left over to live on. Because of them, I have been able to relax.

Because of them, I have been reminded that it is okay to be humble and to accept gifts where God offers them. That there is no shame in letting people know when you are hurting. Because being honest with what's happening in your life can lead to help you didn't even know was there for you.

I think it's natural that most of us have difficulty accepting this type of gifts. It's never easy to admit that you need to rely on other people. Even when you know you need help, it can feel like too much. Sometimes it's very hard to give in, to surrender to offerings and blessings where they come, not where you are COMFORTABLE with them coming.

It reminds me of the inherent good that I try to see in the world. It reinforces my belief that people are good at heart, and want to help each other. It helps me remember that things turn out okay if you can try to let go and trust the love that people have in their hearts. It gives me a great feeling to remember the times I've been able to help people, and helps me look forward to a time when I will be able to 'pay it forward' to someone else.

Through hard times, I have been reminded of the boundless blessings that surround me. My fear is washed away, and replaced by love, excitement for this new opportunity, and joy in the people I love most in my life.

Friday Fragments: A Sunny Day (even if it's cloudy outside)

I've watched Kori do Friday Fragments every week and thought about participating many times, but this is my first week! Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post. Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.

*** First off, I'm sorry I haven't posted anything this week. I have about 15 posts in my head and just haven't had the time to sit down and actually write them. If you haven't heard, we got GREAT news on Tuesday - the job that Justin was waiting to hear back on came through! He will be officially starting sometime next week, although he's actually been there a few days this week already. We are super excited about it and there's a whole post there, probably up sometime next week. I hadn't posted anything about it here b/c Justin has a post in mind he wants to write, and I've been waiting for him to have time. I'll make him do it over the weekend so next week we can get back on schedule!

*** I am giant. I will be 35 weeks pregnant tomorrow and gained 2 lbs in the past week. What?! More about all of that next week, for now I'll just say I'm sort of sedentary and exhausted and feel humongous and slightly unweildy. Also, my hormones are completely out of control.

*** Driving around on Wednesday while Sam was at school, I saw two different people who I just looked at them and felt instant dislike because I could tell how COOL they thought they were. The first was a hipster type, jacket, scruffy, sunglasses. The second was a 'gangsta' type with clothes 3 sizes two big and a swagger no doubt caused by trying not to have his pants fall off.

*** If I had the money and occassion to buy a fancy new sportscar? I would totally get one of the new Camaros. I saw one last week on Human Target, then saw one driving around and I think they are soooo pretty. You can tell I'm a girl because I just called a car pretty.

*** Sam's Grandma and Grandpa are teachers and were both on Spring Break this week. My mom bought him a climber, and Grandpa Paul put it together this week. I see HOURS of fun in our future, and can't wait to have other kids over so Sam can play on it with his friends.



*** I have been feeling a little bit bummed about the meetup group that I'm running. I took it over from a friend a few months ago because she just couldn't fit it in anymore, and attendance has pretty much sucked. For the 15 or so playdates/outings we have scheduled in April most of them only have me and 1 other person saying they'll come. It used to be so great to have playdates to look forward to every week where I could relax and Sam could play. I miss my old friends who I used to see every week, and our Moms Nights Out. I don't really know what to do about it, I just sent out an email to all the members asking what would help, but haven't gotten a huge response so far. Right now I'm just feeling like it's a lot of effort to keep so much time clear on my calendar, to spend time finding new things to do, and have no one show up. So, I guess we'll see.



*** I am looking forward to this weekend, we are heading down to Seattle for Easter Brunch with friends, and I'm going to get to meet my friend Tara's baby boy for the first time! I can't wait. I've also got plans with friends Saturday night for one of their birthdays and I'm looking forward to seeing people. We have not made up an Easter Basket for Sam yet, I guess that's on the list for today or tomorrow.

*** I just finished reading "The Girl with No Shadow" by Joanne Harris. She is one of my favorite authors, and this one is a continuation of the story she started in "Chocolat." I HIGHLY recommend her books, I loved this new one and "Chocolat" as well as "Five Quarters of the Orange." I read this one in only a couple days when Sam was at his Grandma's house last weekend and couldn't put it down! Now I'm reading "Sati" by Christopher Pike, which has been on my list for quite a while. Next I need to tackle "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin for book club later this month.

*** Have you seen those commercials for Kool Aid Fizzers? Does anyone else find it totally creepy that it shows all these little creatures/organisms swimming inside the Kool Aid? Also, those Wheat Thin commercials where that handsome, fit black man dives through the air to crunch on a Wheat Thin? Totally weird.

*** I was writing this post and blogger said it wasn't autosaving, then I copied it just in case, but forgot to paste it into notepad, and copied and pasted something else. When I tried to publish, blogger was down. I thought I lost it but when I was finally able to log back in, almost everything I'd written HAD saved somehow. Whew!

*** Sam had his first dentist appointment on Thursday. Yes, he is almost four years old. Shuddup. He got his X-Rays and did a really good job! He does not have any cavities, just one spot that we need to make sure to keep clean. I also think that having gone to the dentist will make him more willing to have his teeth brushed, it was certainly easier this morning! Yay!