Current Weight: 233.0+/-
this week: -2.4
+/- this round: -16.8 (15 pounds down!)
+/- total: -33.9
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
There was no update last week. I didn't go to a meeting last Tuesday, or get weighed. The last two weeks have been a little stressful, and last Tuesday was positively gloomy. It was pouring buckets all day and I just felt really, really yucky. Combine that with the fact that I had a really bad week eating wise (like 60 points in the red bad - but at least I tracked, right?) and I just didn't feel like going to a meeting. So, I didn't.
I didn't expect much this week because honestly, I went over my points again last week. But it seems like I'm sitting a little lower, and I haven't gained. I lost 2.4 pounds in the last 2 weeks, which is not too bad! After my last weigh in at 10 weeks, I was feeling down about my progress so far. It just seems so slow. So I went back and checked out my weekly updates from last time I stuck with Weight Watchers in 2009 and lost 3 pounds. And you know what? I didn't hit -15 pounds until week 13. When I realized that, I felt better and more motivated because I know that I DID it last time and I can do it again.
This week my two challenges will be date night on Friday and a birthday party on Saturday. I will use weekly points to have a piece of cake, but I'll try to eat light that day and not graze - only eat from a plate - at the party itself.
I went for a walk yesterday with Danny. If I get to Sam's bus stop 35 minutes early there's a good loop to walk that gets my heart rate up right away because it starts with a hill. I may try to do it again today, but it's kind of gloomy so it's possible it will start to rain. My plans of trying to get up before anyone else and do exercise have not worked out. Danny is getting up at 5:45 or 6 every day. If he was sleeping until 7, I might be able to stomach getting up at 6:20, but I can't get up at 5:15 to work out.
A friend invited me to go to Zumba with her, which is something I'd love to do because I used to go and loved it. I might see if I can work it out with Justin to do that at least once a week, because I really enjoyed it and the activity points really add up with it!
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011): 249.8 lbs
Starting BMI: 41.8
Weight Lost: 33.9 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI: 25.1
Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 73 lbs
February 28, 2012
February 23, 2012
Friday Fragments: Nails, Politicians, TV & Funnies
Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.
Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.
*****
This week I've got some fragments and some pictures I've found on the internet that made me laugh and love the internet!
*****
Last week I got fake (acrylic) nails. Yeah... I have only had them one other time, for my wedding. I recently decided I wanted to try them out again because I really want to have square nails and I just can't get my nails to stay in that shape. I did it once, in December. And they were perfect. For about 20 hours, until one broke and I was back to square one. I've had them for a little over a week actually, and I'm getting used to them. I have been really into nail polish lately and I started a new blog, Nail Me, to post about it... it's a little crazy, but I have so much fun with it. It's a fun way to dress up without having to spend a bunch of money on new clothes etc.
Here is a little peek of what's over there today - my first Water Marble. I LOVE IT.
*****
The day before Valentine's Day, Washington Governor Christine Gregoire signed legislation that will make it legal for gay couples to marry in Washington State come this June. I am so proud of Washington for finally doing this. We're not the first, but we're far from the last. Even after 10 days, I still choke up when I think about it. I think of my friends who are gay, and the fact that they have not been afforded the same rights that I have, and I am so, so happy that they will finally get what they deserve.
*****
Engagement Ring WIN - More than meets the eye!
see more WIN - Epic Win Photos and Videos
*****
So, Danny is 21 months old now, and we have taught him a couple of signs. He still doesn't really talk, he just has a few words (cat, car, dog) that he'll say, but I'm not sure anyone else can understand them. A couple of weeks ago we noticed that he had started doing this sign where he would pat his left arm near his wrist with his right hand. I asked my Mom if she'd taught it to him and she said no, and we finally realized he made up his own sign! It basically means 'I don't like this' or 'I don't want to.' It is so fascinating to watch them grow and learn!
*****
Because when I hear WWF, I ALWAYS get confused like this.
see more WIN - Epic Win Photos and Videos
*****
Last month for my book club, we read Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah. The first half of the story didn't really pull me in, but once I hit the second half? Woo boy! I loved it, despite the fact that I was crying through most of it. I'm pretty sure the last time I cried that much was at the end of My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, and if you've read that one, you know why. So I decided I need to read way more Kristin Hannah books. I just finished Night Road, which I really liked. I need to get started on my book club book, but sometimes I get in the mood for one author and I just go on a streak. I think I'll read Firefly Lane next.
*****
FLASH drive!
see more WIN - Epic Win Photos and Videos
*****
Let's talk TV for a minute... I feel like I want to write a separate post about this week's Glee and Parenthood episodes, since I watched them right in a row then kind of wanted to assume the fetal position. Did anyone else watch The River? I haven't watched the second episode yet, but I totally loved the first! It was so freaking scary though - those scenes with the dolls? Just... no. So creepy! I liked how they revealed so much in the beginning - what the explorer guy was actually searching for/doing out there - and didn't drag it out. I also watched the first episode of Awake, and I really liked it. Plus it has Jason Isaacs and BD Wong, both of whom I really like! And finally, this week was the first part of the finale of the greatly underwhelming Top Chef Texas. I really, really want Paul to win.
*****
You guys, Bakerella is a freaking genius. SO CUTE!
*****
Did you hear that some crazy-ass politician in Indiana decided to rail against the Girl Scouts because of his opinion that they are promoter and supporters of Planned Parenthood? Also, Rick Santorum talked about Satan, and I tried to figure out how it is even possible that he is an actual candidate.
*****
Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!
February 16, 2012
Writer's Workshop: Sister Love!
It's Thursday again, which means it's time for Mama Kat's Pretty Much
World Famous Writer's Workshop! We've all got the new year on our
minds, so this week it was easy to choose which prompt I'd follow. I
chose #5.) Share a story about a sibling.
I have two sisters. Kira is 29, we're almost exactly two years apart. I was thinking the other day about a moment I experienced with her a couple of years ago, so I'm going to share that.
A Perfect Moment
Originally published June 2008
My Mom got married on Saturday, to a wonderful man who makes her really happy. The wedding was great, they were married at a lake northeast of where we live, the actual wedding was in a meadow, framed on one side by trees and the other side by a lake and tree covered mountains. There was no civilization to be seen, just a group of family in friends and they said their vows and brought our families together. It was perfect. The reception was in an amazing group picnic shelter there with a big fire pit in the center, and a kitchen area with a stove and sink. Wine and beer and amazing food were had, the cake was cut, producing my favorite photo from the entire day, and the guests began to dwindle.
At 11:00 when we had to be out of the shelter, we headed to a smaller shelter with a fireplace and picnic table just across the dirt road from the cabins we were staying in, and down the road from where other guests were camping. We lit the fire, and there were eight of us just chatting, including my Mom and her new husband, and my sister and her boyfriend. He broke out his guitar and played and sang. Then he handed the guitar over to my Mom.
She sang a couple of songs, "Wildflowers" and another one. Listening to my Mom play the guitar and sing is an almost perfect experience for me. She has a truly amazing, beautiful voice and it takes me back to my childhood, listening to her play her guitar and sing. I thought she was amazing then, but over the years her singing has gotten even better after being part of a chorus for the last several years and practicing. I was feeling so peaceful, and could feel tears of emotion prickling at the back of my eyelids as I listened and felt the warmth of the fire in the middle of a dark night after a day of celebration.
"She got it from her captain when he sailed around the horn, bringing gifts from China to their Oklahoma home..." As soon as I heard the first chords, the first lyrics, sung by my newlywed mother, the tears began to flow. I sat with my eyes closed, swaying, feeling the warmth of the fire, feeling so peaceful as the tears ran in warm, salty rivulets down my cheeks. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I was peaceful. So full of emotion from the day, happiness for my Mom and my new family, feeling content. Then I felt it. My sister, two years younger, sitting next to me snaked her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I put my hand on her arm and leaned my head against hers and after a moment I could hear that she was crying too. We sat that way, emotions melding, in the perfect bond of our relationship with each other and with our Mom, until the music stopped.
Later, when saying goodbye to my Mom as she went to go to bed and get up at 5 AM to make the flight to a 2 week trip to Costa Rica (wish I was there!), I asked if she'd seen us. She said she hadn't, but her new husband had and it had brought tears to his eyes... A sweet end to a sweet and wonderful day.
* The song my Mom was singing was "In China or a Woman's Heart" by Kate Wolf.
My other sister is Lianna, who is 13 and in 8th grade this year. I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to because she lives with my stepmom in New Jersey. They're coming to visit in May and I'm beyond excited. Thinking about my two sisters today also reminded me of a few moments of joy and fun we had back in November of 2008...
I have two sisters. Kira is 29, we're almost exactly two years apart. I was thinking the other day about a moment I experienced with her a couple of years ago, so I'm going to share that.
*****
A Perfect Moment
Originally published June 2008
My Mom got married on Saturday, to a wonderful man who makes her really happy. The wedding was great, they were married at a lake northeast of where we live, the actual wedding was in a meadow, framed on one side by trees and the other side by a lake and tree covered mountains. There was no civilization to be seen, just a group of family in friends and they said their vows and brought our families together. It was perfect. The reception was in an amazing group picnic shelter there with a big fire pit in the center, and a kitchen area with a stove and sink. Wine and beer and amazing food were had, the cake was cut, producing my favorite photo from the entire day, and the guests began to dwindle.
At 11:00 when we had to be out of the shelter, we headed to a smaller shelter with a fireplace and picnic table just across the dirt road from the cabins we were staying in, and down the road from where other guests were camping. We lit the fire, and there were eight of us just chatting, including my Mom and her new husband, and my sister and her boyfriend. He broke out his guitar and played and sang. Then he handed the guitar over to my Mom.
She sang a couple of songs, "Wildflowers" and another one. Listening to my Mom play the guitar and sing is an almost perfect experience for me. She has a truly amazing, beautiful voice and it takes me back to my childhood, listening to her play her guitar and sing. I thought she was amazing then, but over the years her singing has gotten even better after being part of a chorus for the last several years and practicing. I was feeling so peaceful, and could feel tears of emotion prickling at the back of my eyelids as I listened and felt the warmth of the fire in the middle of a dark night after a day of celebration.
"She got it from her captain when he sailed around the horn, bringing gifts from China to their Oklahoma home..." As soon as I heard the first chords, the first lyrics, sung by my newlywed mother, the tears began to flow. I sat with my eyes closed, swaying, feeling the warmth of the fire, feeling so peaceful as the tears ran in warm, salty rivulets down my cheeks. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I was peaceful. So full of emotion from the day, happiness for my Mom and my new family, feeling content. Then I felt it. My sister, two years younger, sitting next to me snaked her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I put my hand on her arm and leaned my head against hers and after a moment I could hear that she was crying too. We sat that way, emotions melding, in the perfect bond of our relationship with each other and with our Mom, until the music stopped.
Later, when saying goodbye to my Mom as she went to go to bed and get up at 5 AM to make the flight to a 2 week trip to Costa Rica (wish I was there!), I asked if she'd seen us. She said she hadn't, but her new husband had and it had brought tears to his eyes... A sweet end to a sweet and wonderful day.
* The song my Mom was singing was "In China or a Woman's Heart" by Kate Wolf.
*****
My other sister is Lianna, who is 13 and in 8th grade this year. I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to because she lives with my stepmom in New Jersey. They're coming to visit in May and I'm beyond excited. Thinking about my two sisters today also reminded me of a few moments of joy and fun we had back in November of 2008...
February 15, 2012
Job Hunting
I have been looking for a part time job for a while, and after looking at our finances the other day I kind of need one. I should say that I would be working when my mom or Justin could be watching Danny and Sam, otherwise there would be no point - I would just spend everything I made paying for child care.
Anyway, I found out last week that they're opening a Torrid in the mall here! That is awesome because there's a Lane Bryant, but other than that there's not really a good place to buy plus size stuff that's cute. I filled out an application and had a little mini interview on Thursday, and on Saturday I got a call they they decided to go with people who "more closely fit" their hiring needs. I guess that translates to me not being young/hip/pinup-like enough. I was pretty annoyed when I got the message - I have great experience and pretty open availability, and I know they have a lot of spots since they're just opening.
I looked online again and didn't find much. I haven't worked in retail for a while, but honestly the idea of having a job where I stand up and walk around while I'm doing it is actually appealing to me at this point. But I haven't been finding many postings and I don't want to work at K-Mart. Yesterday I was perusing Craig's List again and found out the Lane Bryant in our mall is hiring.
Today I went to the mall and filled out an application. I asked her the timeframe and she said she's hoping to collect applications through next week then interview. She also said that they usually get a good response from Craig's List, but that it's been slow this time. That's good news for me, because it means less competition. She also said that she's looking for someone mostly for morning/daytime, which is exactly what I want. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Anyway, I found out last week that they're opening a Torrid in the mall here! That is awesome because there's a Lane Bryant, but other than that there's not really a good place to buy plus size stuff that's cute. I filled out an application and had a little mini interview on Thursday, and on Saturday I got a call they they decided to go with people who "more closely fit" their hiring needs. I guess that translates to me not being young/hip/pinup-like enough. I was pretty annoyed when I got the message - I have great experience and pretty open availability, and I know they have a lot of spots since they're just opening.
I looked online again and didn't find much. I haven't worked in retail for a while, but honestly the idea of having a job where I stand up and walk around while I'm doing it is actually appealing to me at this point. But I haven't been finding many postings and I don't want to work at K-Mart. Yesterday I was perusing Craig's List again and found out the Lane Bryant in our mall is hiring.
Today I went to the mall and filled out an application. I asked her the timeframe and she said she's hoping to collect applications through next week then interview. She also said that they usually get a good response from Craig's List, but that it's been slow this time. That's good news for me, because it means less competition. She also said that she's looking for someone mostly for morning/daytime, which is exactly what I want. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
February 14, 2012
Week 10: Meh.
Current Weight: 235.4
+/- this week: -1.2
+/- this round: -14.4
+/- total: -31.5
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
I'll be honest, I was not completely happy with today's weigh in. I know, I know, it's a good loss. I guess I just expected at least 2 pounds. I did well with following my points this week and I got over 20 activity points. But somehow, it didn't translate to the scale. Oh well. Things were going so well for the first seven weeks I'm struggling a little now with it not continuing to go as smoothly.
I think I really need to get into some kind of class or something for exercise. Walking is great, but it's not enough and I don't really like it. At least if I'm in a Zumba class or something it's distracting. Part of the thing is that I can go for walks when I have Danny with me, and lately he'll often fall asleep and nap in the stroller while I walk. I think I really want to get the Zumba game for the Wii. It's kind of a crap shoot with the kids though. It might be something I need to do when Justin's home, which is a little bit limiting. OR I could go back to that idea of getting up early before everyone else in my house. I'm just not sure.
This week's challenges are date night tonight, Bunco on Thursday, visiting the zoo on Friday, and possibly staying the night in Seattle next Monday. Four in one week... not great, especially when I am not feeling as motivated as I could be. At least the zoo will be plenty of walking and activity.
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011): 249.8 lbs
Starting BMI: 41.8
Weight Lost: 31.5 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI: 25.1
Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 75.4 lbs
+/- this week: -1.2
+/- this round: -14.4
+/- total: -31.5
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
I'll be honest, I was not completely happy with today's weigh in. I know, I know, it's a good loss. I guess I just expected at least 2 pounds. I did well with following my points this week and I got over 20 activity points. But somehow, it didn't translate to the scale. Oh well. Things were going so well for the first seven weeks I'm struggling a little now with it not continuing to go as smoothly.
I think I really need to get into some kind of class or something for exercise. Walking is great, but it's not enough and I don't really like it. At least if I'm in a Zumba class or something it's distracting. Part of the thing is that I can go for walks when I have Danny with me, and lately he'll often fall asleep and nap in the stroller while I walk. I think I really want to get the Zumba game for the Wii. It's kind of a crap shoot with the kids though. It might be something I need to do when Justin's home, which is a little bit limiting. OR I could go back to that idea of getting up early before everyone else in my house. I'm just not sure.
This week's challenges are date night tonight, Bunco on Thursday, visiting the zoo on Friday, and possibly staying the night in Seattle next Monday. Four in one week... not great, especially when I am not feeling as motivated as I could be. At least the zoo will be plenty of walking and activity.
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011): 249.8 lbs
Starting BMI: 41.8
Weight Lost: 31.5 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI: 25.1
Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 75.4 lbs
February 7, 2012
Week 9: Back on Track, Despite Frankenfoot
Current Weight: 236.6
+/- this week: -0.8
+/- this round: -13.2
+/- total: -30.3
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
This week at weigh in I was back on track, mostly. I didn't lose much, but it was still a loss. I'm happy with it considering that I had a bit of a stressful week that included unplanned fast food on more than one occasion.
The challenge this week was STRESS. Last Thursday, Justin had a little accident with his motorcycle when his foot slipped off the pin as he was parking it, and the pin then decided to attack his foot. When he took off his shoe after getting home, it looked like this:
That is a photo he took at the ER AFTER he had taken Ibuprofin. When he pulled his sock off at home, it was swollen in such a weird way (see those bumps going out to the sides?) that for at least 10 minutes I was SURE that it was broken. I may have said "Oh my God" about 20 times.
I called my Mom to come watch the kids so I could take him to the ER. We decided that chances were it was not broken, but we wanted to get X-Rays just in case and also something for the pain. Here's me waiting for the 2nd round of X-Rays to come back. Don't I look happy?
I am calling it Frankenfoot because it's purple. that bruise goes all the way around his whole foot, plus there's more bruising up on his ankle and on the top and bottom of his foot. One of the worst parts is that he had just finally gotten his motorcycle fixed and had freedom again not to depend on his boss or the bus for rides to work, and this happened on the 2nd day he rode it to work. Bummer.
In any case, this made for a bit of a stressful week. Time spent at doctors plus grouchiness caused by the pain plus taking care of the kids even more than usual because Justin can't do as much = me looking for comfort in the pantry.
Luckily I did okay. I didn't go too overboard, although I did go over my 49 weekly points by 7. I went for a walk around our neighborhood on Monday afternoon with Danny in the stroller. He fell asleep in there, so I got exercise and he got a nap. Good deal. I timed how long it takes to walk around this certain loop. It took 35 minutes, so now I know that I can do that just before Sam gets home on the school bus. There are a couple of places that I can add extra small loops if I need to add minutes, for instance on Monday I walked for an hour by adding a couple of little detours. As the weather gets nicer, I think this is something I'll do more often. I just used Google Maps to map it out, and it's a 1.46 mile loop. If I do it several times a week, I think it'll be a good routine to establish. It's challenging because it's really hilly where we live, and the way I do this walk has me going up the biggest hill right at the beginning, so it gets my heart rate up and then I can keep it up.
This week's challenges will be date night on Friday night and my book club on Sunday. I'm going to save my weekly points for those two occasions and also eat a light breakfast on Sunday. I'll also just keep portion sizes in my mind, and make sure I only eat what's on my plate instead of grazing from the food that's out.
Here's to a bigger loss this week!
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011): 249.8 lbs
Starting BMI: 41.8
Weight Lost: 30.3 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI: 25.1
Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 76.6 lbs
+/- this week: -0.8
+/- this round: -13.2
+/- total: -30.3
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
This week at weigh in I was back on track, mostly. I didn't lose much, but it was still a loss. I'm happy with it considering that I had a bit of a stressful week that included unplanned fast food on more than one occasion.
The challenge this week was STRESS. Last Thursday, Justin had a little accident with his motorcycle when his foot slipped off the pin as he was parking it, and the pin then decided to attack his foot. When he took off his shoe after getting home, it looked like this:
That is a photo he took at the ER AFTER he had taken Ibuprofin. When he pulled his sock off at home, it was swollen in such a weird way (see those bumps going out to the sides?) that for at least 10 minutes I was SURE that it was broken. I may have said "Oh my God" about 20 times.
I called my Mom to come watch the kids so I could take him to the ER. We decided that chances were it was not broken, but we wanted to get X-Rays just in case and also something for the pain. Here's me waiting for the 2nd round of X-Rays to come back. Don't I look happy?
Right before this photo was taken I totally ate Taco Bell. Not great for points. The docs said it was not broken, just a really bad sprain. They gave him a prescription for like 5 Vicodin. The next few days were stressful, Justin has been in pain and not able to get around really well, and every time something bumps his foot it hurts pretty bad. He got some crutches on Saturday. On Monday it was still hurting pretty bad so he went to the clinic after work. They recommended keeping it elevated as much as possible and gave him a few more Vicodin. Here's what it looked like last night:
I am calling it Frankenfoot because it's purple. that bruise goes all the way around his whole foot, plus there's more bruising up on his ankle and on the top and bottom of his foot. One of the worst parts is that he had just finally gotten his motorcycle fixed and had freedom again not to depend on his boss or the bus for rides to work, and this happened on the 2nd day he rode it to work. Bummer.
In any case, this made for a bit of a stressful week. Time spent at doctors plus grouchiness caused by the pain plus taking care of the kids even more than usual because Justin can't do as much = me looking for comfort in the pantry.
Luckily I did okay. I didn't go too overboard, although I did go over my 49 weekly points by 7. I went for a walk around our neighborhood on Monday afternoon with Danny in the stroller. He fell asleep in there, so I got exercise and he got a nap. Good deal. I timed how long it takes to walk around this certain loop. It took 35 minutes, so now I know that I can do that just before Sam gets home on the school bus. There are a couple of places that I can add extra small loops if I need to add minutes, for instance on Monday I walked for an hour by adding a couple of little detours. As the weather gets nicer, I think this is something I'll do more often. I just used Google Maps to map it out, and it's a 1.46 mile loop. If I do it several times a week, I think it'll be a good routine to establish. It's challenging because it's really hilly where we live, and the way I do this walk has me going up the biggest hill right at the beginning, so it gets my heart rate up and then I can keep it up.
This week's challenges will be date night on Friday night and my book club on Sunday. I'm going to save my weekly points for those two occasions and also eat a light breakfast on Sunday. I'll also just keep portion sizes in my mind, and make sure I only eat what's on my plate instead of grazing from the food that's out.
Here's to a bigger loss this week!
Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009): 267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011): 249.8 lbs
Starting BMI: 41.8
Weight Lost: 30.3 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI: 25.1
Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)
Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 76.6 lbs
February 6, 2012
Sam and Baby Powder
I just found some random photos on my computer while looking at new photos. I am WAY behind on photo processing, I have probably a thousand photos that I haven't done anything with or archived. ARGH! BUT, I came across these photos from May of 2009. Sam had just turned three and got a container of baby powder.
The best part is that Justin and I were both RIGHT THERE. I was laying on the couch with my eyes closed, and Justin was sitting at the computer 2 feet away with his back turned.
The best part is that Justin and I were both RIGHT THERE. I was laying on the couch with my eyes closed, and Justin was sitting at the computer 2 feet away with his back turned.
February 3, 2012
In an alternate universe, I am married to Alec Baldwin
“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”-John LennonOn Wednesday night, I dreamed that I was engaged to Alec Baldwin. In the dream, we were the same age, and it seemed like maybe instead of being an actor he was a wealthy socialite. He proposed to me with an enormous sapphire and diamond ring, and later as I walked alone back to the penthouse suite at the hotel we were staying in, I thought about ordering a martini from room service. And I felt it. In my heart, pure joy. I knew in that moment that I was getting everything I'd ever wanted, my dreams were coming true, and my life was as near to perfect as it could get. I was so happy.
In the end, the content of the dream is inconsequential. I've never even had a daydream about Alec Baldwin or wished for a life without kids. But the feelings...
Nine years later, I dream of a boy I used to know, one of my true friends in life, and I feel the loss of him like he had died. Ten years later, I still dream about people I used to work with and wake up missing them so much it feels like my heart is breaking. I rarely have nightmares, but when I do they are so real they can leave me in tears for a whole day, or more.
Yesterday morning, I awoke with the feeling that I was going to have the life I'd always wanted, and then it was gone.
It stuck with me all day. In my head, it feels completely ridiculous. I love my friends, my family, my children. I don't wish this life away, and even if I did, realistically this crazy dream life is just that, CRAZY. But the feeling in my heart, or my gut, was so real that it stuck with me all day long, and gave me this weird nostalgic melancholy. Thursday evening I found myself in my car holding back tears as I drove my husband to the ER.
Not only do I not have the dream life, but in my real life I am driving my husband to the ER for a badly sprained foot that looked so bad when he took his sock off that for several minutes I was completely convinced it was broken. In my real life I hadn't had dinner, I was going to go over my points for the day, I gained weight last week and am having a really hard time not just eating everything I can see, I'm overweight and far from perfect or beautiful. I have two kids who had exhausted me, a 21 month old who was completely fussy and cried as I left him with my Mom to hop in the car.
I felt overwhelmed and sad and on top of it all incredibly silly for letting something so trivial and so far from reality influence my day at all. The past year has been really, really hard. Some days, it's overwhelming. It's true that right now, while parts of my life ARE what I've always wanted, other parts are far from it. It's something that I'm working on, and most days I have hope that this year will end on a higher note than the last - well, in a whole other octave really. I guess when I sleep and my inhibitions are gone and I don't have to be anything for anybody else, my mind purges the feelings.
Sometimes, I wish that I did not dream like this. When I have a good dream, I often think about it for hours after I'm awake, closing my eyes and letting the feelings was over me, holding on to the memories of it as they slowly slip away back into the ether from whence they came. When I have the rare bad dream, I want it to go so badly, but it sticks with me and makes me feel like I'm losing control of my own mind.
In the end, I can't control it. I've never been a lucid dreamer, and my mind needs to work out what it needs to work out. Maybe there are just feelings inside me that need to be felt, and I'm not in a place where I can feel them for what they are, so I feel them through the untruths of my dreams. I don't love this longing for something that I'm left with, but I try to accept that it just means that I'm processing the things that need to be processed and maybe that's the only answer I need.
"Dreams are symbolic in order that they cannot be understood; in order that the wish, which is the source of the dream, may remain unknown."- Carl JungHow do you dream?
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