15 years after one of the weirdest moments of my life, I am wondering about you.
It's been so long since that summer before ninth grade when you tossed aside our friendship. I wonder if I talked to you now whether you'd admit how bizarre it was for you to tell me a tall tale about the baby you'd had with the boy you liked while I was out of state for the summer. Would you acknowledge that this was a strange way to end our friendship? That the fact that you mockingly stuck with this story you'd made up just for me throughout high school was absolutely weird?
Some days I think about emailing you. Not much to lose, but how could I deny that it's a little weird that I'm still thinking about this? How weird is that exactly? The why of this situation is one of the great mysteries of my life, and I wonder if you ever think of me.
The other night, I dreamed I was working with your father and that I was finally building up the nerve to ask him he he knew about what happened between us and if he may have any insight into my perpetual question of what happened there.
As with all dreams, I had to wake and this time to unsettling unanswered questions.
15 years later my memories of the 2 years we were inseparable best friends are mostly fond. Perhaps they still haunt me because I don't' think I'll ever know why you decided not to be my friend, why you chose to realign yourself and forget me. You'll probably never know how your decision affected me, and I don't know if you'd even care.
In the end, it's just another piece of my heart I left behind, a piece I gave to someone and now I live without it. Maybe you still have it, maybe not. 15 years later, does it matter?
November 30, 2009
November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
This year, I am most thankful for...
My Family: My wonderful husband Justin who is pretty tolerant of my horrible pregnant zombie-ness, my beautiful little boy Sam who is such a joy in my life, my baby who I can't wait to meet, my Mom and her husband who support us so much, my Stepmom and little sister, and my Dad, my other little sister Kira, who is one of the coolest people I know.
My Home: Despite any hardships, we have a beautiful roof over our heads. We're lucky for Sam and baby #2 to grow up in such a cool place, the house is big and homey, and there are lots of woods to explore.
My Health: It's been almost a year since I finally saw a doctor then an endocrinologist who figured things out. They helped me to have a healthier year than I ever have had in my adult life, to lose the 30 lbs I lost, to eat better, to feel better, and in the end to get pregnant with this baby, which I love despite the "morning" sickness.
My Friends: Most especially for my 'new' friends in Bellingham, Amy, Shalyn, Rowenna (you're still here in our hearts!), Jill, Jillian, Melissa, Angie, Arica, Sarah and the other Moms from our meetup group. For Violet, my bestest friend who knows me so well and is always there for me, for Sati and Xotchil who are two of my oldest friends. And, for Auds, Kori, and Maria and all the other people I've met online in the past couple of years.
Hope that you have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving this year!
November 25, 2009
Sam
So, apparently I have a school kid now. This was his first week, he started on Monday. I can hardly believe it. We had a meeting last Friday to go over Sam's IEP (Individual Education Plan) and register him for preschool through the Mt. Baker School District. His school is called the Educational Resource Center (ERC). He goes on Mon, Tue and Wed from 1:00-3:30, but he rides a school bus, so it'll be more like 3.5 hours he'll be gone.
I am super happy to have him go to school, especially at this school. My Mom knows his teacher, she worked with her at Head Start and she's great. I know he's going to lvoe going to school and I can't wait to see him grow and change. I was super happy when I found out he was put into the afternoon class since neither of us are morning people. Once a week he'll have a 20 minute session with the Occupational Therapist there to work on fine motor skills, specifically around drawing/writing and learning to use scissors. The great thing is that since it's special programs, he'll have people focusing on his specific needs, like improving his listening and attention span. Also, since it's through the school district, there is no cost to us, and with where we're at that is pretty great for us.
Sam has been doing well. He knows about the baby in my tummy, but I'm sure he has no concept of what that really means. I am glad that Amy, who babysits him once a week, has a 3 month old daughter so he is around a baby pretty frequently. Sometimes he talks about things he'll teach the baby, like jumping, spinning, and running.
He's still a total beanpole, he doesn't eat a whole lot, which means his endless energy supply continues to baffle us! he loves to read books and "play" computer games - usually that means I play and he watches. He still LOVES to play puppets with his hands, and now he'll have conversations between his puppets.
Sam still crawls in our bed every night. It's really been a struggle for us trying to work on getting him to stay in his own bed. When he wakes up at 2 in the morning and we're both tired, neither one of us wants to fight with him for an hour about where he's going to sleep. I'm not sure what the best solution is, other than to persevere. It's all good lessons for what we'll do with the next one, but that doesn't really help us figure out what to do right now.
Other than that, Sam is a pretty great kid. He gets distracted and doesn't listen too well, but he's also 3 1/2 years old. I'm really excited about entering this new phase in his life and seeing where it takes us!
November 24, 2009
Baby, Baby
Guess what? On Friday I scheduled my next ultrasound for December 10! That means less than 3 weeks until we get to find out if this one is a boy or a girl. I can't wait. With Sam I really wanted a girl but always had a feeling he was a boy. With this one, I don't have a feeling either way, though I'm still hoping for a little girl. I'll be 19 1/2 weeks then, and I am SO glad I was able to schedule it for December. If I hadn't been able to schedule it before the 20th, I would have had to wait until my Mom got back from her trip in January.
Things have gotten all straightened out with my midwife and endocrinologist since my last appointment. I ended up stopping at the endocrinologists office last week to pick up some more test strip samples and was lucky the nurse was available to talk to me even though it was lunch time. I explained to her that I was confused and we talked about my treatment. One thing I didn't realize is how linked the PCOS and Insulin Resistance are. Basically, I have IR because I have PCOS. So even though the reason I asked the doctor for Metformin was to help regulate my cycles, it's most likely something she would have put me on at my next appointment in December to help control the PCOS/IR anyway. We also figured out that the reason I felt so blindsided at my last endocrinology appointment was because the nurse thought I'd scheduled the appointment BECAUSE of the pregnancy, but it had actually been scheduled months before that. So, basic miscommunication. She also explained to me that the reason that I'm at risk for Gestational Diabetes is because of the IR, and that women with no IR have zero risk for GD. So, there is no 'what is my risk compared to average women.' Also, she explained that the reason for me to stay on the Metformin throughout the pregnancy is to help control the IR, which will reduce my chances of GD. After talking to her I sort of breathed a sigh of relief and felt like I understood what was going on much better.
I had an appointment last Wednesday with my midwife and she had also talked to the endocrinologist's nurse and to my primary care doctor. I took my blood sugar ever morning for 2 weeks and it was never very high. My highest was 104, and one other day at 102, but most days fasting was below 90 and the few I've taken after eating have been really good. The target fasting number for pregnancy is 95. So, for now we're just going forward, and she seems fine with that. I'll be testing my sugars 2-3 times a week fasting, then after one of my meals. I'm still thinking positive and pretty convinced that GD won't be an issue.
As far as diet and exercise go... ugh! I'm 16 weeks and still feeling like crap a good portion of the time. It really sucks. I felt like I was improving, but the last week has kind of sucked. I've also been SUPER tired again, getting fatigued in the afternoons and feeling like I need a nap. I'm totally useless around the house and feel bad for Justin because there is a giant checklist of stuff that needs to be done before Thanksgiving. We're having people over, but lucky for us (AND our guests) my Mom's husband will be cooking. With Sam my nausea REALLY went away around 20 weeks, so at this point I'm kind of counting down and hoping next month will be the light at the end of the tunnel.
The one upside to not being able to eat is that I'm doing great with weight gain. I lost 10 pounds in the first 6 weeks, and since then I've stayed steady - no gain or loss. With the way things are going and the way my last pregnancy went, I'm thinking that weight gain won't be a problem, which is nice.
I am anxiously awaiting the day I'll finally feel this one move. I think it's the BEST part of being pregnant and I can't wait. I'm 4 months now, so hopefully any day now! I have already abandoned jeans for comfort but I dont' feel like I'm showing much yet. People I know are starting to say I'm looking more pregnant. Once I think I actually look it, I'll start taking pictures - I wish I had more from when I was pregnant with Sam, so this time I'll get Justin to take more! For now I'm just biding my time until I get to the part of pregnancy that doesn't suck.
Things have gotten all straightened out with my midwife and endocrinologist since my last appointment. I ended up stopping at the endocrinologists office last week to pick up some more test strip samples and was lucky the nurse was available to talk to me even though it was lunch time. I explained to her that I was confused and we talked about my treatment. One thing I didn't realize is how linked the PCOS and Insulin Resistance are. Basically, I have IR because I have PCOS. So even though the reason I asked the doctor for Metformin was to help regulate my cycles, it's most likely something she would have put me on at my next appointment in December to help control the PCOS/IR anyway. We also figured out that the reason I felt so blindsided at my last endocrinology appointment was because the nurse thought I'd scheduled the appointment BECAUSE of the pregnancy, but it had actually been scheduled months before that. So, basic miscommunication. She also explained to me that the reason that I'm at risk for Gestational Diabetes is because of the IR, and that women with no IR have zero risk for GD. So, there is no 'what is my risk compared to average women.' Also, she explained that the reason for me to stay on the Metformin throughout the pregnancy is to help control the IR, which will reduce my chances of GD. After talking to her I sort of breathed a sigh of relief and felt like I understood what was going on much better.
I had an appointment last Wednesday with my midwife and she had also talked to the endocrinologist's nurse and to my primary care doctor. I took my blood sugar ever morning for 2 weeks and it was never very high. My highest was 104, and one other day at 102, but most days fasting was below 90 and the few I've taken after eating have been really good. The target fasting number for pregnancy is 95. So, for now we're just going forward, and she seems fine with that. I'll be testing my sugars 2-3 times a week fasting, then after one of my meals. I'm still thinking positive and pretty convinced that GD won't be an issue.
As far as diet and exercise go... ugh! I'm 16 weeks and still feeling like crap a good portion of the time. It really sucks. I felt like I was improving, but the last week has kind of sucked. I've also been SUPER tired again, getting fatigued in the afternoons and feeling like I need a nap. I'm totally useless around the house and feel bad for Justin because there is a giant checklist of stuff that needs to be done before Thanksgiving. We're having people over, but lucky for us (AND our guests) my Mom's husband will be cooking. With Sam my nausea REALLY went away around 20 weeks, so at this point I'm kind of counting down and hoping next month will be the light at the end of the tunnel.
The one upside to not being able to eat is that I'm doing great with weight gain. I lost 10 pounds in the first 6 weeks, and since then I've stayed steady - no gain or loss. With the way things are going and the way my last pregnancy went, I'm thinking that weight gain won't be a problem, which is nice.
I am anxiously awaiting the day I'll finally feel this one move. I think it's the BEST part of being pregnant and I can't wait. I'm 4 months now, so hopefully any day now! I have already abandoned jeans for comfort but I dont' feel like I'm showing much yet. People I know are starting to say I'm looking more pregnant. Once I think I actually look it, I'll start taking pictures - I wish I had more from when I was pregnant with Sam, so this time I'll get Justin to take more! For now I'm just biding my time until I get to the part of pregnancy that doesn't suck.
November 23, 2009
A Memorable Birthday
29 years ago today, I was born. Here are things I've gotten for my birthday this year: A giant basket, which I fully plan to put my baby in and photograph; a unicorn backpack, a jewelry box, a statue of three monkeys (hear no/see no/speak no evil - Sam picked it out at Goodwill and it's hilarious), and my kid's first day of school.
After he got on the bus, I watched it drive away and I cried. Hey, it's my birthday, I can cry if I want to. I didn't really expect to cry so much, and I can't even explain the reasoning of exactly what I was feeling. I'm not worried about Sam, I know he will LOVE school. There's just something viscerally heart-wrenching about sending your kid off to school for the first time.
Once I got over that (kind of), I realized I will now have 3.5 hours 3 days a week to do... whatever! Today I'm concentrating on laundry in between blogging and relaxing.
This will definitely be a memorable birthday for me. For my birthday, won't you leave a comment and tell me about one of your most memorable birthdays?
After he got on the bus, I watched it drive away and I cried. Hey, it's my birthday, I can cry if I want to. I didn't really expect to cry so much, and I can't even explain the reasoning of exactly what I was feeling. I'm not worried about Sam, I know he will LOVE school. There's just something viscerally heart-wrenching about sending your kid off to school for the first time.
Once I got over that (kind of), I realized I will now have 3.5 hours 3 days a week to do... whatever! Today I'm concentrating on laundry in between blogging and relaxing.
This will definitely be a memorable birthday for me. For my birthday, won't you leave a comment and tell me about one of your most memorable birthdays?
November 12, 2009
Thursday Thirteen: Animation Edition
Obviously, having a 3 year old in the house means LOTS of cartoons. Whether it's movies or shows, there are always ones that are more entertaining than others. We were watching "Over the Hedge" the other day and I got to thinking about who my favorite animated characters are. So, I decided to make a list because... well, why not?Thirteen Favorite Animated Characters
- Denis Leary as Diego in the "Ice Age" movies.
- William Shatner & Avril Lavign as the opossums Ozzie & Heather in "Over the Hedge."
- Patrick Warburton as in "Bee Movie."
- James Earl Jones as Mufasa in "The Lion King."
- Bob Peterson as Dug in "Up."
- Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots in the "Shrek" movies.
- Danny Elfman as Jack Skellington in "The Nightmare Before Christmas."
- Norm MacDonald as Norm the Genie in "The Fairly Odd-Parents."
- Tracy Grandstaff as Daria in "Daria."
- John Goodman as Sulley in "Monsters Inc."
- Pamela Adlon as Bobby Hill in "King of the Hill."
- Robin Williams as Genie in "Aladdin."
- Richard White as Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast."
I'm sure I'm missing some, and I'll probably remember them as soon as I hit 'publish', but there are some of my favorites none the less! Who are your favorite animated characters?
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November 10, 2009
TV: Because really, what else is there?
You know how I have been lax on posting? I've been so tired that when I get free time at night when Sam's in bed, all I want to do is relax and when I relax? I enjoy me some TV! Here are some of my thoughts on some new/favorite shows so far this year (sorry Kori! :-)
Supernatural - This is probably my absolute favorite show. I love it so much. This season has not disappointed. I am totally freakd out by Jacob from LOST being Satan, and I just can't... agh! Satan wants Sam! Honestly, I can't believe that this show has gotten so crazy - the apocolypse? One brother who Satan wants as a vessel, and the other searching for God with an ousten angel? That is some crazy shit right there, but somehow they make it work. Swoon.
Flash Forward - LOVED the first episode. I do feel like this one has slowed down some though. Where is the new stuff? I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how Ralph Fiennes is the most whiny leading man ever. He is kinda whiny. And John Cho doesn't want to do anything because why bother, he's going to die anyhow. UGH! Just man up and live whatever life is left! Anyhow, I still like it, but I kind of wonder if it's going to last if it keeps going at this pace.
Eastwick - I really wasn't sure about this one at first, but I find something compelling about it. What is it? I dunno. Maybe it's partly watching the town square scenes and thinking they are in Star's Hollow because it's the same set. There's just something about the whole story that keeps me coming back. Obviously, it's a totally girly show, it's fun to watch the friendship between the three main characters.
Cougar Town - This is the only new sitcom I kept watching. I like it, it's funny! I think Courtney Cox is pretty great. And I seriously love Ian Gomez as the neighbor/best friend's husband. He's hilarious! It's just a great cast, and I think it's well written.
Glee - My absolute favorite new show! It's got heartbreak, romance, humor and MUSIC! It's just awesome. If you haven't been watching it, give it a try. Jane Lynch is hysterical, as usual, and the kids in the Glee club are talented. It's just FUN to watch, but at the same time it has serious plots and breaks your heart a little. Just the way I like it. Joss Whedon's going to direct an episode later and I absolutely CAN'T WAIT!
Desperate Housewives - Can I just say I am SO GLAD that Mike chose Susan? Plus it left room for the crazy ex storyline, which I have been enjoying. I think this season has been pretty good so far.
The Office - Jim and Pam's wedding? Great. The horror of Michael & Pam's mom? Awesomely awful. Kevin accidentally getting Jim's credit card cancelled? Hysterical! It's great as always!
The Vampire Diaries - A new vampire show, of course I'm watching it! It's a little slow moving, and I AM left with the 'why spend your life in high school if you're immortal' question. Other than that, I am enjoying it. It's a campy, angsty teen vampire show.
The Cleveland Show - I wasn't sure if I was going to like it, but I think it's pretty funny. Also, the theme song is really catchy and I periodically find myself singing it around the house.
V - Watched the premiere of V and thought it was good! I didn't know that this was a remake. I was surprised at how much they gave away in the first episode, and I was so sad during the credits to see Alan Tudyk as a guest star because I was super happy to see him (love him! If you haven't seen 'Death at a Funeral', rent it immediately) and I knew he was not going to stick around. It'll be interesting to see if they can keep this momentum going. It's a total bummer they're only showing 4 episodes and then it's not back until spring, and I wonder if that's a wise choice.
Castle - I seriously love Castle. I seriously love Nathan Fillion. And this?
One of the best things I've seen on TV in a long time.
Those are just some of the shows I'm enjoying this season.
Along with the good came the not good enough. I watched one or two episodes of the following shows and decided they weren't worth it: Modern Family, Community, Mercy, Trauma.
What shows are your favorites? Which ones have you given up on?
Supernatural - This is probably my absolute favorite show. I love it so much. This season has not disappointed. I am totally freakd out by Jacob from LOST being Satan, and I just can't... agh! Satan wants Sam! Honestly, I can't believe that this show has gotten so crazy - the apocolypse? One brother who Satan wants as a vessel, and the other searching for God with an ousten angel? That is some crazy shit right there, but somehow they make it work. Swoon.
Flash Forward - LOVED the first episode. I do feel like this one has slowed down some though. Where is the new stuff? I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how Ralph Fiennes is the most whiny leading man ever. He is kinda whiny. And John Cho doesn't want to do anything because why bother, he's going to die anyhow. UGH! Just man up and live whatever life is left! Anyhow, I still like it, but I kind of wonder if it's going to last if it keeps going at this pace.
Eastwick - I really wasn't sure about this one at first, but I find something compelling about it. What is it? I dunno. Maybe it's partly watching the town square scenes and thinking they are in Star's Hollow because it's the same set. There's just something about the whole story that keeps me coming back. Obviously, it's a totally girly show, it's fun to watch the friendship between the three main characters.
Cougar Town - This is the only new sitcom I kept watching. I like it, it's funny! I think Courtney Cox is pretty great. And I seriously love Ian Gomez as the neighbor/best friend's husband. He's hilarious! It's just a great cast, and I think it's well written.
Glee - My absolute favorite new show! It's got heartbreak, romance, humor and MUSIC! It's just awesome. If you haven't been watching it, give it a try. Jane Lynch is hysterical, as usual, and the kids in the Glee club are talented. It's just FUN to watch, but at the same time it has serious plots and breaks your heart a little. Just the way I like it. Joss Whedon's going to direct an episode later and I absolutely CAN'T WAIT!
Desperate Housewives - Can I just say I am SO GLAD that Mike chose Susan? Plus it left room for the crazy ex storyline, which I have been enjoying. I think this season has been pretty good so far.
The Office - Jim and Pam's wedding? Great. The horror of Michael & Pam's mom? Awesomely awful. Kevin accidentally getting Jim's credit card cancelled? Hysterical! It's great as always!
The Vampire Diaries - A new vampire show, of course I'm watching it! It's a little slow moving, and I AM left with the 'why spend your life in high school if you're immortal' question. Other than that, I am enjoying it. It's a campy, angsty teen vampire show.
The Cleveland Show - I wasn't sure if I was going to like it, but I think it's pretty funny. Also, the theme song is really catchy and I periodically find myself singing it around the house.
V - Watched the premiere of V and thought it was good! I didn't know that this was a remake. I was surprised at how much they gave away in the first episode, and I was so sad during the credits to see Alan Tudyk as a guest star because I was super happy to see him (love him! If you haven't seen 'Death at a Funeral', rent it immediately) and I knew he was not going to stick around. It'll be interesting to see if they can keep this momentum going. It's a total bummer they're only showing 4 episodes and then it's not back until spring, and I wonder if that's a wise choice.
Castle - I seriously love Castle. I seriously love Nathan Fillion. And this?
One of the best things I've seen on TV in a long time.
Those are just some of the shows I'm enjoying this season.
Along with the good came the not good enough. I watched one or two episodes of the following shows and decided they weren't worth it: Modern Family, Community, Mercy, Trauma.
What shows are your favorites? Which ones have you given up on?
November 9, 2009
Teen Angst
Remember when I started that new series, Teen Angst, back in August? Then I didn't ever post again? Well, the baby sickness is calming down (thank the Lord!) and I'm back. So, here we go...
11-27-98 (18 years old)
I wanted to be alone. Actually my real feeling was that I desperately needed to be alone and I couldn't help that feeling. Stuarts* seemed like a good place to be alone. I'm sad. I don't know I guess it could be the holiday season upon us once again and I guess I can't help recalling how I was feeling last year at Christmastime. Right now I can feel that my self esteem is low and that I do not feel like my usual happy, giving self. It's like the best way to describe it is bummed but oh it seems much more profound** than just that. I've been having dreams about someone holding me in his arms. So, I've grown used to this gnawing loneliness that I've carried for so long but it seems that in the past couple of days it just can't stay down and it is gnawing at me. I want to cry so much I feel all bottled up inside and I'm not sure why. I feel awful about the whole situation with Garrett*** which perhaps in the future will seem trivial, but at this moment I only feel that what I did was wrong. Then there's Dad. I seriously am doubting that I'll be able to get time off to go back to Philly for Christmas. I don't' know how I feel about that. And no matter how much deep seeded anger I have in me for Dad, I still miss him and especially if I don't' go for Christmas that will be the longest time I've gone without seeing him. I can't help wising that he cared more.**** I guess that's all I ever wanted and it's just never happened. Is that so much to ask? I don't want to deal with anything and suddenly I feel I have to deal with everything all at once. I don't even see why all this matters, because what do our lives amount to if we are not happy? We just end up moping around taking up everybody else's space for no good reason. I don't really know what my motivation is right now. Don't get me wrong, this certainly isn't any kind of suicidal feeling. It's just some kind of profound unhappiness. I feel I'm just going through the motions and can't be sure where they're taking me next. Maybe I don't even care either. Okay, so let's be honest here. I know that the real reason I cam to Stuart's was because I was hoping I'd run into Garrett here. I mean, it is true I just wanted to be alone (or more accurately, left alone), but when he wasn't home when I called this morning all I could think about was seeing him. It's all I've been able to think about at least since yesterday morning. I don't even know if he's worth all of this thought or not. I almost wish I hadn't come on Monday night and hadn't seen K hanging all over him. I almost wish that I hadn't left that message on his answering machine. But wishing never got me anywhere, did it? If there was a god, if I knew what I believed, I would ask him to give me strength now, I'd rather not spend my time feeling this way or feeling that all I want more than anything is a sweet caress, is to be held and that my strong want (need) for this makes the joy of anything else acquired much dimmer in my heart. So where will I end up? Maybe I'll end up an unhappy overweight addicted to nicotine lonely single old woman. What do you think? I share my every thought with you, wish you were able to give me an answer, I am sure that you would know what would make me happy. And I am sure you would know how I could make myself a better person and to improve my life and the lives of those around me. I play the fool, falling too hard too soon, able to over analyze every situation I get into, every move that is made, every person I meet and every breath of air and word spoken by said person. Able to see life as a silhouette of happiness. Wishing for the shadows of my doubt to disappear. And when I look back at this journal entry will it just be one long cliche to me***** will I have been writing in clips and phrases of what I have already experienced? Or will I have been profound and poetic without even trying in this caffeine heightened state of awareness as my mind outruns my hand and I try to keep up my words turning into unintelligible scrawls? Remembering that writing is a rush for me, the adrenaline flowing through my veins tells me that I feel the words I put down and that there is nothing, nothing in this world that I would trade for a life of being able to write down my thoughts, my feelings and anything to evoke emotion and response in another person****** That there is no praise greater to me than to be praised for my writing as I say thank you with a cramp in my hand and a smile on my face. That there is no better feeling than to page through a book of my work and to know that these are my accomplishments and they belong to no one else but may be shared by all. And that I must let no negative thoughts, no negative feelings, no rejections and no reflections turn me away from this art that they call poetry or prose or some people call shit but I would never agree because these are my sentiments. And that this exercise of my mind has got my heart pounding, my blood flowing hot and my breath coming short as adrenaline pulls pulls pulls feelings and emotions from deep within me flowing down my tired arm into the ink that I guide onto the paper. Thinking of a famous authors thoughts on writing and wondering one day these will too be published on an anthology called authors of the 20th century discuss the art of writing******* or some such thing. And wondering if anyone in this friendly, awake coffee house has noticed my frantic scrawling and the change of my demeanor from sad to nothing but emotional flow a hard concentration and the movement of my lips to the words I am now writing. And if someone was to notice these things or the way I pause to take the knots out of my cramped hand would they wonder what I was writing about?
And that's how I feel.
* Stuart's was an amazingly awesome coffee shop that used to be in downtown Bellingham. It still exists in a different form in our Public Market, but it's not the same. It was my second home when I was 16-19, I hung out there constantly.
** Profound? Really? I like how many times I wrote profound in this entry.
*** Garrett was the guy who ran the weekly poetry night at Stuart's. I had a brief and strange sort of flingish relationship with him. It ended with us talking and me saying 'you play games', his reply 'i know', and my retort 'don't play games with me, or I won't be your friend'. I know he wouldn't mind me using his name here because he'd probably think this was pretty hysterical. I think I'm friends with him on My Space now.
**** I had a lot of issues with my relationship with my Dad, I rest assured now that he totally did care and I love him a lot.
***** Um, probably the cliche thing. Yeah.
****** I wanted to be a writer then, and I still do. If I could make a living off writing, it would be a dream for me.
******* Seriously? This drivel in some kind of anthology about thoughts on writing? No. Just. No.
I chose this one for several reasons. It's almost a perfect sample of something written at that time in my life. I wrote this 4 days after my 18th birthday. I love the embarrassing cliche of it (my favorites are in red), but I also love that even re-typing this I could feel that rush I used to get from writing. I write here because I still love the feeling I get when I am putting words down and something comes to me and makes me feel. I still share my writing because I want it to mean something, and I still want to write a book someday. I wrote this sitting in my favorite coffee shop, I used to go there several times a week and write in my journal, write poetry, and mingle with the other regulars. That was my culture then, it was me. I also see looking back many journal entries where I talk about being sad - I wish I'd known then about depression and that it didn't have to be that way. But I also love what I see here - this outlet I had where I started writing down and in true 'teen angst' and ended on a high, invigorated and ready to go on.
11-27-98 (18 years old)
I wanted to be alone. Actually my real feeling was that I desperately needed to be alone and I couldn't help that feeling. Stuarts* seemed like a good place to be alone. I'm sad. I don't know I guess it could be the holiday season upon us once again and I guess I can't help recalling how I was feeling last year at Christmastime. Right now I can feel that my self esteem is low and that I do not feel like my usual happy, giving self. It's like the best way to describe it is bummed but oh it seems much more profound** than just that. I've been having dreams about someone holding me in his arms. So, I've grown used to this gnawing loneliness that I've carried for so long but it seems that in the past couple of days it just can't stay down and it is gnawing at me. I want to cry so much I feel all bottled up inside and I'm not sure why. I feel awful about the whole situation with Garrett*** which perhaps in the future will seem trivial, but at this moment I only feel that what I did was wrong. Then there's Dad. I seriously am doubting that I'll be able to get time off to go back to Philly for Christmas. I don't' know how I feel about that. And no matter how much deep seeded anger I have in me for Dad, I still miss him and especially if I don't' go for Christmas that will be the longest time I've gone without seeing him. I can't help wising that he cared more.**** I guess that's all I ever wanted and it's just never happened. Is that so much to ask? I don't want to deal with anything and suddenly I feel I have to deal with everything all at once. I don't even see why all this matters, because what do our lives amount to if we are not happy? We just end up moping around taking up everybody else's space for no good reason. I don't really know what my motivation is right now. Don't get me wrong, this certainly isn't any kind of suicidal feeling. It's just some kind of profound unhappiness. I feel I'm just going through the motions and can't be sure where they're taking me next. Maybe I don't even care either. Okay, so let's be honest here. I know that the real reason I cam to Stuart's was because I was hoping I'd run into Garrett here. I mean, it is true I just wanted to be alone (or more accurately, left alone), but when he wasn't home when I called this morning all I could think about was seeing him. It's all I've been able to think about at least since yesterday morning. I don't even know if he's worth all of this thought or not. I almost wish I hadn't come on Monday night and hadn't seen K hanging all over him. I almost wish that I hadn't left that message on his answering machine. But wishing never got me anywhere, did it? If there was a god, if I knew what I believed, I would ask him to give me strength now, I'd rather not spend my time feeling this way or feeling that all I want more than anything is a sweet caress, is to be held and that my strong want (need) for this makes the joy of anything else acquired much dimmer in my heart. So where will I end up? Maybe I'll end up an unhappy overweight addicted to nicotine lonely single old woman. What do you think? I share my every thought with you, wish you were able to give me an answer, I am sure that you would know what would make me happy. And I am sure you would know how I could make myself a better person and to improve my life and the lives of those around me. I play the fool, falling too hard too soon, able to over analyze every situation I get into, every move that is made, every person I meet and every breath of air and word spoken by said person. Able to see life as a silhouette of happiness. Wishing for the shadows of my doubt to disappear. And when I look back at this journal entry will it just be one long cliche to me***** will I have been writing in clips and phrases of what I have already experienced? Or will I have been profound and poetic without even trying in this caffeine heightened state of awareness as my mind outruns my hand and I try to keep up my words turning into unintelligible scrawls? Remembering that writing is a rush for me, the adrenaline flowing through my veins tells me that I feel the words I put down and that there is nothing, nothing in this world that I would trade for a life of being able to write down my thoughts, my feelings and anything to evoke emotion and response in another person****** That there is no praise greater to me than to be praised for my writing as I say thank you with a cramp in my hand and a smile on my face. That there is no better feeling than to page through a book of my work and to know that these are my accomplishments and they belong to no one else but may be shared by all. And that I must let no negative thoughts, no negative feelings, no rejections and no reflections turn me away from this art that they call poetry or prose or some people call shit but I would never agree because these are my sentiments. And that this exercise of my mind has got my heart pounding, my blood flowing hot and my breath coming short as adrenaline pulls pulls pulls feelings and emotions from deep within me flowing down my tired arm into the ink that I guide onto the paper. Thinking of a famous authors thoughts on writing and wondering one day these will too be published on an anthology called authors of the 20th century discuss the art of writing******* or some such thing. And wondering if anyone in this friendly, awake coffee house has noticed my frantic scrawling and the change of my demeanor from sad to nothing but emotional flow a hard concentration and the movement of my lips to the words I am now writing. And if someone was to notice these things or the way I pause to take the knots out of my cramped hand would they wonder what I was writing about?
And that's how I feel.
* Stuart's was an amazingly awesome coffee shop that used to be in downtown Bellingham. It still exists in a different form in our Public Market, but it's not the same. It was my second home when I was 16-19, I hung out there constantly.
** Profound? Really? I like how many times I wrote profound in this entry.
*** Garrett was the guy who ran the weekly poetry night at Stuart's. I had a brief and strange sort of flingish relationship with him. It ended with us talking and me saying 'you play games', his reply 'i know', and my retort 'don't play games with me, or I won't be your friend'. I know he wouldn't mind me using his name here because he'd probably think this was pretty hysterical. I think I'm friends with him on My Space now.
**** I had a lot of issues with my relationship with my Dad, I rest assured now that he totally did care and I love him a lot.
***** Um, probably the cliche thing. Yeah.
****** I wanted to be a writer then, and I still do. If I could make a living off writing, it would be a dream for me.
******* Seriously? This drivel in some kind of anthology about thoughts on writing? No. Just. No.
I chose this one for several reasons. It's almost a perfect sample of something written at that time in my life. I wrote this 4 days after my 18th birthday. I love the embarrassing cliche of it (my favorites are in red), but I also love that even re-typing this I could feel that rush I used to get from writing. I write here because I still love the feeling I get when I am putting words down and something comes to me and makes me feel. I still share my writing because I want it to mean something, and I still want to write a book someday. I wrote this sitting in my favorite coffee shop, I used to go there several times a week and write in my journal, write poetry, and mingle with the other regulars. That was my culture then, it was me. I also see looking back many journal entries where I talk about being sad - I wish I'd known then about depression and that it didn't have to be that way. But I also love what I see here - this outlet I had where I started writing down and in true 'teen angst' and ended on a high, invigorated and ready to go on.
November 6, 2009
Pieces I Left Behind; Part 1
9 years later, I awake one morning to memories of the heartbreakingly real dream you just appeared in.
It's so mysterious to me the way the mind works. I am happy and have a wonderful life. Yet in my dreams and sometimes in waking I see ghosts and I know that somewhere out there, lives go on without me, pieces of my heart I left behind trailing unnoticed in their shadows.
To say I miss you wouldn't be quite accurate. I Loved the time we spent together. The way you made me feel, the friendship and security and honesty of it all. I suppose my heart thinks it might somehow regain those feelings. But my mind knows that the likelihood of there being any place for you in my life now is slim.
You are a vagabond, perpetually moving and society's standards fit you like a wooly, uncomfortable cloak, trying to hang on and failing. I am a pregnant homemaker with a family and a certain future. If we met on the street as I've imagined time and time again, what would you even see in me aside from an overweight breeder you used to know when we were young? In the midst of my probably unrequited fondness for you, what would we even say?
But despite all this, I still dream about you. In my slumber I break your heart in an unavoidable choice between our friendship and my husband, who I know is my almost perfect mate. How arrogant to dream that I have broken you.
I still look, having glanced and seen you twice this year, my eyes scan for you every time I drive downtown. I look, despite knowing that if I saw you I wouldn't stop.
9 years later I carry you with me because I don't know how to let go, my subconscious holds on without explanation and I dream.
It's so mysterious to me the way the mind works. I am happy and have a wonderful life. Yet in my dreams and sometimes in waking I see ghosts and I know that somewhere out there, lives go on without me, pieces of my heart I left behind trailing unnoticed in their shadows.
To say I miss you wouldn't be quite accurate. I Loved the time we spent together. The way you made me feel, the friendship and security and honesty of it all. I suppose my heart thinks it might somehow regain those feelings. But my mind knows that the likelihood of there being any place for you in my life now is slim.
You are a vagabond, perpetually moving and society's standards fit you like a wooly, uncomfortable cloak, trying to hang on and failing. I am a pregnant homemaker with a family and a certain future. If we met on the street as I've imagined time and time again, what would you even see in me aside from an overweight breeder you used to know when we were young? In the midst of my probably unrequited fondness for you, what would we even say?
But despite all this, I still dream about you. In my slumber I break your heart in an unavoidable choice between our friendship and my husband, who I know is my almost perfect mate. How arrogant to dream that I have broken you.
I still look, having glanced and seen you twice this year, my eyes scan for you every time I drive downtown. I look, despite knowing that if I saw you I wouldn't stop.
9 years later I carry you with me because I don't know how to let go, my subconscious holds on without explanation and I dream.
November 5, 2009
Best Laid Plans
Should've and could've are words we don't use,
they only depress us and give us the blues.
My mom used to say that to me, and really? It bugged the crap out of me. It's cutesly and rhymes and it's a little annoying.
But...
Like many annoying things in life, it's also true. Part of the reason it's annoying if someone says it to you is because they're right about the fact that you'e holding on to something you should let go of. Regret isn't something I'm very fond of. I think it's a waste of time and that energy is much better spent looking forward, not back.
I had my second appointment with my midwife yesterday and it didn't exactly go as I had planned. She got my records from my endocrinologist and whatever was contained therein indicated to her that I have had high blood sugar levels. And if I have high blood sugars and/or am at isk for gestational diabetes, she can't treat me. If I have high sugars, I have to have a doctor and a hospital birth.
ARGH! First off, I have NOT had high sugars. I have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, but they've never had me monitor my sugars until now. I passed my glucose tolerance test during my last pregnancy without even having to do the 3 hour, and passed again when not pregnant. I specifically asked my endocrinologist after my bloodwok whethere I was at risk for diabetes because it was something I was really concerned about and one of my reasons for wanting to lose weight. She said that I'm not prediabetic or high risk for diabetes. As fa as I am/was aware, I was put on Metformin ONLY to treat PCOS and my irregular cycles, and it had nothing to do with my insulin levels. But it doesn't seem like that fact was noted in my chart.
At my last appointment at the endocrinologist, I met with her ARNP, and she is a diabetes specialist. I thought I was going in for a followup on my bloodwork and instead I was met with a plethora of information about gestational diabetes, a blood sugar monitor, and the distinct feeling that I was being told I was going to GET gestational diabetes for sure. It was fairly upsetting for me, I was unhappy because I didn't feel like it was a positive way to look at things, and I was fine through my last pregnancy. However, she never told me anything about how high my risk was for getting GD or why. Thinking about that, and after my appointment with the midwife yesterday, I find myself wondering if she even knew what that appointment was for, and whether the nurse and the endocrinologist are even talking, and whether I am misunderstanding something about my being teated with Metformin. I'm wondering what my chart says and if it's correct.
I hate being confused about my own medical care, and I think I deserve to have correct information about my treatment and what is happening to my body.
In the end, we scheduled another appointment for 2 weeks and my midwife is giong to call and clarify things with the endocrinologist and my primary care doctor. For now, I've started taking my sugars every morning, but I'm worried. The TARGET level for pregnancy is 95 fasting, ie when you first wake up in the morning. But the normal acceptable range is large, from about 80 to 130 depending on where you look. This morning I tested at 104. So... higher than the target, but not super high. It just sucks that even if my levels are OK, if they're not PERFECT my whole pregnancy and birth plan could change.
She also told me that it would be good if I didn't gain any weight. I've lost 10 pounds since I got pregnant, so it's okay to gain that back, but I'm worried that I'll gain too much weight and that will suck especially since I just lost 30 pounds. I would like to not gain that back during the pregnancy, but I'm already feeling stressed out about monitoring my diet carefully and trying to eat right when food aversions and cravings come and go.
I broke down after the appointment yesterday and cried. I feel betrayed and I found myself almost wishing I'd never been diagnosed with insulin resistance. Of course I realize that without all my diagnoses and treatment I probably would not have even gotten pregnant in the first place. But I'm annoyed that my body can't just cooperate. I've had myself really excited about how this birth experience would be and it's really hard thinking about never getting to experience the birth I really wanted.
Today it still sucks. But I know whatever happens, it will turn out okay and as long ast he baby is healthy that's what is really important. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of letting go fo this particular dream and moving on to just loving and looking forward to my new little son or daughter. For now, it's just 'we'll see.'
P.S. Unisom? Best thing ever. I am still not feeling 100% but in the last week things have GREATLY improved and I've been throwing up once a day or NOT AT ALL! Woo! I'm still tired, but things are definitely improving.
P.P.S. The baby is doing fine, we heard the heartbeat. I can't wait to feel him/her moving around.
they only depress us and give us the blues.
My mom used to say that to me, and really? It bugged the crap out of me. It's cutesly and rhymes and it's a little annoying.
But...
Like many annoying things in life, it's also true. Part of the reason it's annoying if someone says it to you is because they're right about the fact that you'e holding on to something you should let go of. Regret isn't something I'm very fond of. I think it's a waste of time and that energy is much better spent looking forward, not back.
I had my second appointment with my midwife yesterday and it didn't exactly go as I had planned. She got my records from my endocrinologist and whatever was contained therein indicated to her that I have had high blood sugar levels. And if I have high blood sugars and/or am at isk for gestational diabetes, she can't treat me. If I have high sugars, I have to have a doctor and a hospital birth.
ARGH! First off, I have NOT had high sugars. I have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, but they've never had me monitor my sugars until now. I passed my glucose tolerance test during my last pregnancy without even having to do the 3 hour, and passed again when not pregnant. I specifically asked my endocrinologist after my bloodwok whethere I was at risk for diabetes because it was something I was really concerned about and one of my reasons for wanting to lose weight. She said that I'm not prediabetic or high risk for diabetes. As fa as I am/was aware, I was put on Metformin ONLY to treat PCOS and my irregular cycles, and it had nothing to do with my insulin levels. But it doesn't seem like that fact was noted in my chart.
At my last appointment at the endocrinologist, I met with her ARNP, and she is a diabetes specialist. I thought I was going in for a followup on my bloodwork and instead I was met with a plethora of information about gestational diabetes, a blood sugar monitor, and the distinct feeling that I was being told I was going to GET gestational diabetes for sure. It was fairly upsetting for me, I was unhappy because I didn't feel like it was a positive way to look at things, and I was fine through my last pregnancy. However, she never told me anything about how high my risk was for getting GD or why. Thinking about that, and after my appointment with the midwife yesterday, I find myself wondering if she even knew what that appointment was for, and whether the nurse and the endocrinologist are even talking, and whether I am misunderstanding something about my being teated with Metformin. I'm wondering what my chart says and if it's correct.
I hate being confused about my own medical care, and I think I deserve to have correct information about my treatment and what is happening to my body.
In the end, we scheduled another appointment for 2 weeks and my midwife is giong to call and clarify things with the endocrinologist and my primary care doctor. For now, I've started taking my sugars every morning, but I'm worried. The TARGET level for pregnancy is 95 fasting, ie when you first wake up in the morning. But the normal acceptable range is large, from about 80 to 130 depending on where you look. This morning I tested at 104. So... higher than the target, but not super high. It just sucks that even if my levels are OK, if they're not PERFECT my whole pregnancy and birth plan could change.
She also told me that it would be good if I didn't gain any weight. I've lost 10 pounds since I got pregnant, so it's okay to gain that back, but I'm worried that I'll gain too much weight and that will suck especially since I just lost 30 pounds. I would like to not gain that back during the pregnancy, but I'm already feeling stressed out about monitoring my diet carefully and trying to eat right when food aversions and cravings come and go.
I broke down after the appointment yesterday and cried. I feel betrayed and I found myself almost wishing I'd never been diagnosed with insulin resistance. Of course I realize that without all my diagnoses and treatment I probably would not have even gotten pregnant in the first place. But I'm annoyed that my body can't just cooperate. I've had myself really excited about how this birth experience would be and it's really hard thinking about never getting to experience the birth I really wanted.
Today it still sucks. But I know whatever happens, it will turn out okay and as long ast he baby is healthy that's what is really important. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of letting go fo this particular dream and moving on to just loving and looking forward to my new little son or daughter. For now, it's just 'we'll see.'
P.S. Unisom? Best thing ever. I am still not feeling 100% but in the last week things have GREATLY improved and I've been throwing up once a day or NOT AT ALL! Woo! I'm still tired, but things are definitely improving.
P.P.S. The baby is doing fine, we heard the heartbeat. I can't wait to feel him/her moving around.
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